Day 36 I sat on the pity pot today..

My whole body is sore.. and I have had acid reflux for going on 24 hours.

It started even after my shake when I didn’t even add chia/hemp/flax or fiber, yet I am still hurting.. Hmmm… All there was was pineapple, coconut oil, and whey protein.. hmmmm BUTat 3 in the morning I did wake up and eat part of my pizookie w PB.. that had flax in it I WOKE UP AT 730 THOUGH!

and its 1151 and I still have it.

Ate a piece of flank steak, snacking on edamame. Yawning..

306pm Cried today for the first time in awhile… Felt good and bad all at the same time.. I tried holding them back, but it was like buttons were being pushed every time I thought I had it all under control. It is all work related. I deserve better. I know this but I don’t want the pressure of trying to find another job right now.. Everything happens for a reason, just have to believe in that.

Had some pulled pork earlier, going to eat another piece of steak with some broccoli in 3 min or so.. Don’t even feel like eating 😦 I am just tired and cold and feeling a little down today.. I really just want a nap 😦

Seriously FUCK MY BOSS. HE is the BIGGEST FUCKING ASSHOLE I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. I honestly do NOT understand how someone is capable of daily hate towards others.

Not even worth talking about anymore its wasted energy.

I haven’t eaten that much today 😦 I am in a weird mood.. Can’t wait to unwind AT THE GYM! haha ❤

Today is going to be shoulders… This weeks schedule is actually going to be as follows :

• Mon- Shoulders
• Tues- Quads
• Wed- Off
• Thurs- Back
• Fri- Cardio
• Sat- Hams
• Sun- Bi’s Tri’s

Military, Overhead press, front raise, lateral raise, upright rows 🙂
5 Minute Planks
30min Stairmaster.

ITY BITY PITY COMMITTEE

So today at work my boss was making me look like an idiot in front of everyone.. I started getting hot… and I really didn’t know how I was going to handle this situation because I didn’t know how far my boss would go… Well he made me do something one last time and when I got in the back of the shop I starred up into the ceiling and felt the tears just build up.. I really didn’t want to cry… (I actually enjoy crying, you feel so relieved afterwards), because I was still at work, so I tried to keep walking.. but I had to keep pausing… I hadn’t cried in such a long time I think that’s why I couldn’t stop it. So I bent over and had the tears drop onto the ground, trying not to go back looking like a hot mess.. I wanted to pretend it didn’t get to me.. but I regained composure and went back up front.. Words were exchanged and I gave him what he wanted and walked to the furthest bathroom. I sat on the toilet bailed for 30 seconds, realized I was still at work, sat and focused on breathing and waited till I was ready to leave.. Honestly I felt so much better, yes it looked like I was crying but I didn’t have to make much eye contact with anyone the rest of the day… I barely ate, which I think is weird because he has been triggers for me bingeing… any who.. So I did what I had to do and left for the day.. drove home no big deal, got Marley out, took her for a walk and made steak and broccoli. Well 7pm comes around and this is when I am ready to bounce out the door to the gym and my mom watches Marley well as I am getting ready I notice that this bracelet that I bought on Saturday was missing. Completely off board it came on, and the empty part was lying in the same spot my sister found it in… I don’t know why but I FREAKED OUT. I called my sister a fucking bitch all because she claimed to NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!!! LITERALLY verbatim!!!! I have the texts, it goes from Idk what your talking about, to asking me if I remember wearing it, she doesn’t know what to tell me, then 20 min later after I told her she lost me as a friend (we have gotten really close, and id do anything for her) because I KNEW she took it and she was LYING in my face, making me feel and go  and even act crazy. I disrespected my mom and my sister for me being upset. I was in a bad mood when I got home.. and then I saw that. I freaked. And not even to mention THIS MORNING, as I was getting ready for work as I moved this bracelet to the spot it was at I thought to myself, how funny if Hayley tried stealing this, since I KNOW its right here.. Literally no joke, no crosses I legit thought this on the way out.. so for her to say, are you sure you didn’t wear it?

Omg. Words could NOT describe. I was BALLLLLLLING. On the FLOOR crying. It was a whole mess… I shut my door and prayed to God for strength, I was hyperventilating. Trying to breathe, hysterically crying and repeating God give me strength wasn’t quite all working lol.. I had to stop speaking and start praying silently till my breathing calmed down..  I felt so so soooo low at this point crying just felt natural, like a relief…. I felt so much better afterwards..

I do take full responsibility for how I reacted today and I am quite embarrassed. I don’t know what got into me..IF you want an example of sitting on the pity pot this is it.

All that was consuming me had to do with how my work sucks and I deserve better and if not at least respect. I am completely broke (had to dip into savings type shit), taxes will NOT go thru, this is the 6th time I sent them in, school called me once, sent to vm, called back, sent to vm, no call back. That’s in regards to financial aid (OR LACK THEREOF!), and how I am broke because of that too.. then my sister tries and makes me go crazy, my mom had an attitude the entire day (am AND pm), then I am bloated as fuck ALL THE TIME!…..

So anyways I balled. Hard. I let it all out. Everyone is on good terms now. I need to do a little soul searching and figure out this mess. I mean I know everyone has their ups and downs but FUCK. There are ways to avoid feeling hopeless.. 😦

So back on track After all the shhhhiiiiaat I needed to hit the gym. WITH MAH NEW SWEATSHIRTTT!!! and after a great meal 🙂

730pm BOULDAH SHOULDAH (boston accent)

Switched things up, started with Smith Machine Chest Press
50lbs x 12reps
50lbs x 12reps
60lbs x 10reps
60lbs x 8reps
70lbs x 4reps <– no idea lol……

Went to do should press, but I WAS SLACKING SO BADLY! I tried to start with 60 lbs so like a 30 DB in each hand and I couldn’t even do it…. That sucked for my ego.. NBD I think I tried to do 2 sets and switched to Upright Rows Supersetted with a Front raise (20lbs BB)

50lbs x 10reps
20lbs x 12reps x 4 sets

then went into the yoga room and did 10 (30)DB swings (like a squat to front raise) then did 10 (ea) lateral raise for 10 reps 3 Sets

then finished with 3 sets of an incline chest press at 50lbs

5 minutes of planks

30 minutes of treadmill no less then 12 incline (max 20) on 2.8-3.0

Went home stopped at Baskin Robbins, grabbed my mom some of her chocolate chip ice cream and headed home. Ate a protein shake (my yuckie strawberry and banana expensive as shit protein with actual strawberries (3) and a 1/2 banana ice and water, didn’t taste that bad actually…

NOWWWWW it is 1204am and I am super tired but I had to write this blog.. I knew I had to finish it so I can post it tomorrow morning… I don’t even know if my point was understood or if I even made one…… Anywho, I need to stop worrying and have no fear..

Where God’s love is, there is no fear. God’s perfect love takes away fear.

=)

Goodnight ❤

Day 18 Motivational Rant

Maintaining Motivation

 

I don’t even know where to begin. Do I talk about how hard it was before? or the steps I am going to take now and for the rest of my life?

I would say lets be realistic here but I am going to stay on a positive note on this one. I am learning to love myself for who I am, for who God made me to be, everyday. No it hasn’t been easy TO SAY THE LEAST, but after looking back to everything I have been through (and more to come, BRING IT ON!), I know that it has been worth it.

My dictionary defines motivation as: “1) the reason or reasons behind one’s actions or behavior. 2) enthusiasm.”

My motivation is seeing past pictures of myself, and knowing what I did to get there. I remember those days, the night before my show seeing how flat my stomach really was, how PROUD I was….

Factors that Damage Motivation:

1) Low Self-Confidence – If you don’t have realistic confidence in your abilities you won’t even start. Building a healthy and realistic self-image is necessary to take action. The best way to build your confidence is just to start. Confidence is often a natural side effect of making steps in your personal development.

2) Arrogance – This is the opposite of low self-confidence, and it too adversely effects motivation. Overconfidence can often result to some very painful failures when reality confronts your self-image. Arrogance often goes hand in hand with ignorance. If you start educating yourself, you will soon realize how much you need to learn, which can help reduce an inflated ego.

3) Past Failures – Failure can often damage motivation. The key to recover this motivation is to set yourself up for some successes. Remember to take steps to learn from your failures so they become a learning opportunity rather than a blow to your ego.

I don’t think I will EVER turn down the roads that brought me here today, ever again. I actually FULLY understand the reasons of my “failures” or my weaknesses and  I am finally in CONTROL, and I have never felt better.

I am staying positive.

I am staying true to MYSELF.

I am happy.

Besides getting down yesterday about a test (that I thought I for sure was going to ace), I overate (technically I didn’t but it was a lot of carbs) and though it was all clean food it shouldn’t matter, the fact that I did it NEEDS to be mentioned. I didn’t have cravings for shitty food, I just had craving for food. Maybe it had to do with the test and those results? Maybe I was bored?

Whatever the reasons may be, I need NOT to punish myself.

Am I normal? Am I the only one with these thoughts? Am I the only one that thinks about food ALL the time? Am I the only one that researches and googles fitness related articles ALL day?

Yes I know  I’m not, but if only people realized how much this has and does effect me. Fitness is my life.

A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE is now my life.

 

TALK ABOUT MOTIVATION!!!!!!!!!

Oh another rant eh?

830am Finished my protein shake (yes it is ALWAYS THE SAME MON-FRI LOL)

1030am and I’m fucking starving.
I am finishing up taking pictures for work and then I am going to head over to Chase.. Ugh got a late fee for my CC that I JUST got down to 22% interest lol.. SAME DAY PAY MY ASS!

then I will head to whole foods because I forgot my food again.. fucking idiot I am… maybe not an idiot but a straight up basket case.

1237pm Just got back from whole foods.. spent $15 exactly. 2 chicken breast, 2 Justin’s all natural almond butter, and a mix of edama carrots and asparagus. YUM!

 

then I left to marios (pizza joint) to get Ron and I a drink and this is the second time (once yesterday) that someone told me I had nice skin.. awe 🙂

5pm PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE! 😦 Snowflakes were HUGE today SUPER COOL! so I took the Charger home, sucky on gas but its great in the snow.

Got home around 6pm, got Marley out. Ate some “meatloaf, ” tuna and some broccoli OH AND some PB 😦 Probably shouldn’t of eaten the tuna (because my mom puts mayo) but it tasted GREAT. haha and now I write it in, shouldn’t of eaten the PB either lol.

Shoulders/Chest today

 

Started with Seated Shoulder Press (30lbs each arm)

3×8-10 reps

in-between front raises (20lb BB)

3×12 reps

The last 3 reps of each seated s. press got extremely hard and I had no spotter, so I did 3 reps (each arm) squat to shoulder press.

Moved onto Lying (chest) flyes (15lb each arm)

3×12 reps 

in between  lateral raises (10lbs each arm)

3x10reps

finished with cable machine shoulder press.. don’t know the weight they just have numbers, it was pretty heavy got about 8 reps 4 times.

I did 2 sets of planks :30 sec each time.

with 25 min STAIRMASTER.

And boy was I sweating. I felt my ass muscles burning and it felt great.

8:43pm Myofusion and PB2 (even though I shouldn’t of put the pb2 in there. I had enough fat today).

I am going to finish up editing this a bit, throw in some cool pictures :):) Nothing too exactly today.. Boss is getting nicer (I work at a body shop FULL OF DUDES THAT PMS MORE THEN EVERY FEMALE I KNOW COMBINED!).. but its a dope job and for the most part enjoy the people I work with.. sucks its as far as it is though (about 45 min-60min on a bad day).. OTher then that I am pretty excited this week is almost over.. I love cuddling and knowing I have no schedule, no where to be, no clock to have to set, nothing. Ugh.. best feeling in the world. ❤

 

1115pm Just finished showering and made the chickpea snicker doodle blondies. and let me tell you the batter was AMAZING… they fell apart 😦 and I think I should of put raisins in the whole thing and not just half.. but overall they were great..

 

goodnight ❤