It’s about that time..

So I haven’t been to the gym in 3 days. Besides all the excuses, I think mentally its okay.

Okay.. not “okay”, but something I can get passed. The extra weight I am carrying, does put a burden on my every day life.. mood.. attitude.. just about everything that consumes me on a daily basis.. however I am taking this and using it for the better. I am slowly piecing my life together, one day at a time.

I am dedicating the next 6 weeks to see how hard I can push myself. No cheats for 2 weeks. Just a ball to the wall type attitude. I know I can do this, so I will patiently wait to say I did it 🙂

This past weekend was fun though. Spent time with the boy, went to dinner and got cupcakes (something we had planned to do for awhile now).. I took the dogs to the park and they had a great time. Marley on our second trip around just decided to lay down randomly because she was tired (or hot, it was beautiful out though), but she kept truckin like a good girl! I managed to knock out 200 lunges.. randomly.. just lunging away while I walked my doggies haha.. Ohhhh a sight to see.

Here are some pictures from this weekend:

As you can see, its pretty much all the food I ate. LMAO. Ugh.. def feeling it now. Actually feeling it so much that it doesn’t even appeal to me anymore (I mean it would if the situation arise, but so far I NEED to stick with this). I know my boyfriend is 100% supportive, as my mother and what not but I still find excuses to sleep rather go to the gym first. I am though, finding different ways to boost my energy that I seem to be lacking each and every day, but I am working on it. For this week, I want to focus on my eating and getting a work out in each day. After this week, I will be doing 2 a days just to knock them out. I am hoping that waking up early and getting a kick start to my day will benefit me (okay i know it will benefit me, but really? How awesome is sleeping in a bed?.. okay not as awesome as looking in the mirror and cheesing but a close second).
So.. with all this being said, my excuses have taken a toll and I am ready to give it 100% again.

Grocery shopping.. 101.

So as I was grocery shopping last night, I realized how many people stand there looking at the back of whatever they just picked up. Now.. there is NOTHING wrong with this, for I do it constantly (okay maybe not constantly because I buy the same things majority of the time), but when I find something new and interesting I instantly flip it over. But do these people have any idea what they are looking for? I HIGHLY doubt it.. but I’m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt.

Do you know what I go for?
No not the calories.
Not the carbs.. not even the fats..

The ingredients.

I don’t know if people just don’t care, or don’t know what they are looking for but it’s easy. This whole fitness “phase” (I swear I see a new diet everyday, a new “magic” pill etc), but eating clean isn’t a hard concept to grasp. Like I have said before, it’s the dedication and motivation that’s challenging.

It’s simple.

Eat WHOLE foods. Foods at their natural state.. this means the less processed they are.

Here is an example:

Now.. I don’t ever buy things in packages like this, or even pick them up for that matter (I stick to the outside of the grocery store where the food is perishable..hence why I go shopping probably 3x a week lol)… but this is why. It’s a bag of “sweet potato” chips. Now.. ignore the nutrition facts and look above to the ingredients. Sweet potatoes are the FOURTH ingredient!!!!! Granted there isn’t a lot of ingredients (a long list of ingredients is a sign to put that shit back), but this defeats the purpose of calling them sweet potato chips don’t you think? This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this.. but the first time I stopped and actually was in disbelief.

What I left with that day..

See how all my food would go bad if left out for a few days? This is what you want, and what your body needs. (please excuse the russell stover smores.. they are amazing and for my mother. However I advise everyone to try one before they die. It’s like that).

My tips while grocery shopping:

• The less ingredients the better (and make sure you can actually pronounce that shit).

• Sugar should be the furthest on the list, or 86’d completely.

• When buying items, like whole wheat pastas or breads, the first ingredients NEEDS TO BE WHOLE WHEAT!!!!!!! I cannot stress this enough.

• Stick to the outside of the store. This is where you will find your fruits veggies, and meats. Pretty much the staples of my “diet”.

We need to stop counting calories and start paying attention to the things that actually matter.

I needed this..

“Sometimes the best thing that you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess, just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.”

This is how today went (9/10)..

Mom had surgery on her foot not too long ago.. friday I believe. So she is a little crippled at the moment. No big deal.. except my mom gets flustered and cranky at the drop of a dime.. which I do too so I know how it feels/goes… So she must have been in one of her little moods and started talking about getting rid of my dog Marley.. for the second fucking time might I add. I had to get rid of her once because we moved.. took her back because she wasnt getting along with the other dog. A few weeks went by and my mom told me I really had to get rid of her, so I had an ex bf help me out and we found a home for her. I wasnt happy and it hurt every day I didn’t have her but I needed to do what I needed to do. I was put in a position that I really didn’t have a choice in so, so be it.  I think maybe a month went by and she came into my room crying, telling me I need to get Marley back. So I did. Now fast forward a few more months and were back to today.. Now Marley is a lot to handle. She gets overly excited and wants to be up in everyone’s grill. I personally love it, but not everyone loves the smell of dog breath. Well with that being said, my mom told me that she thinks I need to get rid of her.. so while I am trying to get ready in the morning she’s pretty much picking a fight with me. I stopped talking, made my protein shake and left.

On my way to work, radio turned off like I have been doing for some weird ass reason, I sit and think. I have about 45 min dedicated to me over analyzing every possible situation in my life. 45 minutes to dwell on everything that’s going wrong.. 45 minutes to sit on the pity pot..but this time.. I had 45 minutes of prayer. I literally grab the steering wheel and just talked to God. I pray for mom a lot, but lately I’ve been so selfish it’s about me and what I need.. like faith. I need to put more faith in the unknown. I need to realize that worrying really has no purpose in life and the only thing that holds me together is that everything will be okay. I literally remind myself of this constantly.. repeating it over and over…. so meanwhile I am doing my thing, talking to God, and a tear managed to escape from my eye no matter how hard I tried to stop it. I quickly wiped it from my face and kept driving like nothing ever happened..

..Work was a little different today. One of the dudes that has been there for quite some time, put his two weeks in. Via email. Like a bitch. Sorry.. but if you met this dude, you would wish you didn’t. I’m sorry Eric.. if you ever read this for some bizarre fucked up reason, know that you need to learn how to become a better person. Youre vindictive and manipulative and you hurt so many people along the way. I honestly never understand why people do the things they do.. no conscience? no soul? to each their fucking own, but leave me the fuck out of it. So yeah, that’s been kind of the big talk around the shop lately.. Everyone is pretty stoked. Him leaving is best for everyone.

Amen.

Ate pretty good today. Had my morning protein shake, brought Greek yogurt, a banana, whole wheat pasta, and my leftovers from last nights dinner with the boy.

My Meals for the Day:

Lunch 🙂

At around 530 or so (I get off at 5, boy gets off at 6), I hung around for a bit. The boy and I started talking, and like it always does with my big ass mouth, gets kind of escalated to where I just walk away. The emotions that over come me.. would drop jaws. So I turned and walked away and he called for me back, telling me how unfair it was that I got to speak but how I am just bailing on him, giving him no opportunity to explain himself. So I walked back, he was right, so I took a couple of breaths and just stood there. We talked a little more and then got interrupted (we usually always do.. they like to tease us now that they know were together lol).. And so a few of us stood around and talked (mostly with Eric about him leaving and how much of a “piece of shit” Ron is), and I happened to open my mouth one too many times. It was awkward..luckily I saved my self those couple of times and no one caught on..after the 4th fucked up thing I said I had to excuse myself. I got into my car and dipped. About 500ft later, I see a text from the boy asking me to say for a second. I reversed all the way back into the parking lot and waited for him. He talked some more.. he explained himself and we continued to talk. It’s exactly what I needed. I have been so fucking consumed by our relationship that its been eating me alive. All I think about is one day waking up and him telling me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, or he’s found someone else, or cheated on me, or even WORSE getting back with his bitch of an ex (sorry lisa if YOU ever read this for some bizarre fucked up reason, you’re a straight mean fucking person).. phew.. anywho.. it’s been all i’ve been thinking about lately.. but I have been trying to tell myself that I don’t need this. I’ve been trying to coach myself into telling him that were better off as friends, but realized I might as well wait it out.

So after a shit load of tears literally escaped.. I’m not kidding.. we were laughing at me crying because it just wouldn’t stop. I kept choking up. This man is like no one I have ever had in my life before. He is truly amazing in every way and I get giddy inside when I look at him knowing he’s all mine. Knowing I have his heart.. knowing were in love with each other. I’m not going to say love is hard (because when its true love, it’s not something you have to try at.. hold me to this.. you work together but there’s no “hey im trying to love you” bullshit).. but staying on the same page has been for us, and that’s all I ever wanted.. was to be on the same page. I don’t want to be in a relationship that someones in just because.. I don’t want to go thru another heartbreak any time soon. I know I’ll be okay, and “it” will be okay, but heartbreak really is like losing a loved one (like my last post).. it hurts the soul, it hurts to breath…

..but it happens.. and most of the time you get over it.

Regardless.. I still want to give us my all. All I needed was this talk. I needed to hear you say that you want to be with me. I needed to hear you say that it’s all okay and will be okay. I needed the reassurance.. I needed the kiss at the end that made me feel loved.. I even needed the tears that fell down my face..

Fishing is an off season bikini competitor’s hobby..

.. and why it’ll make me fat.

1. Only way I have patience is when drunk.

• Alcohol makes you fat.

2. When you go cat fishing you’re drunk late at night. Late night munchies in Wisconsin = bar food.

• Bar food tastes great when drunk.

3. I’m one lazy mother ——.

• Perfect.

 

Yep. I caught this.

but to hell if I’d touch it.

 

Weekend Recap

Where do I even begin?

Blueberry Pancakes w/ Walden Farms Pancake syrup

Friday Night- Driving to RSD

My boo and his boo 😉

Showing off my picture taking skills 😉

Saturday Morning- Pre Work Out

Boat Fail

Picture fucking perfect 🙂

Sunday Funday =D

 

Friday after work the boo and I went to RSD- dragstrip. Had a great time.. he raced his car with a new tranny and hit 13.0 (so proud of you boo).. He was super excited and it was ADORABLE.. I also ate a burger. It was great.

Saturday Morning rolled around and he left pretty early to do a job while I got my ass to the gym… we all know I am uncomfortable as fuck (or insecure I suppose) about being in a bikini in front of a shit ton of people.. Figured I would of been fine.. had a flat stomach when I woke up..abs were slightly visible.. blahblahblah got a leg workout in and drank my normal post workout protein shake but as the hours went by I got more and more uncomfortable. Go figure.

I told my boy the day before that if I don’t feel like going (aka I look like shit) that I still want him to go and enjoy himself. He knows how I am and how I get and I appreciate it to the fullest, but doesn’t mean that he needs to put his life on the back burner just because I don’t know how to just go with the flow… buttttt I ended up going and still had a great time. My boss came out with his boat and another co worker had a friend out there too. It was hot but not sunny music blaring and smiles all around. After 4ish hours went by I started getting a little too drunk for my liking.. I told my boy to go get his keys so I could get away from the music (head started to spin).. as I was walking up to the car he thought I was mad at him (miscommunication on my part) and we got into a littler argument about looking at girls? uhh.. I was silent during this whole thing so when he started throwing shit around I obviously got aggravated.. I don’t give a FUCK who he looks at.. as long as I am not cheated on for once in my life, I am all gravy.

So shit went south, I left to go back to the boat to get my shit, came back and waited a little bit (both a little tispy).. then headed to go get more burgers. lmao. I don’t know why but I have been craving burgers for the longest time. Ate outside and just talked.. pretty much about how in love we are with each other.. and its true. I can’t even say it enough..
ANYWAYYYYYYSSSSSSSS

We got home, he wanted to go out (sorry boo) but when I drink too much I cant be around people I told him to go (not like i wanted him too because I don’t want to be in a house that’s not mine alone but whatever.. hate ruining peoples plans) but he didn’t. We got home, I laid in bed and that was it. Passed the fuck out.

Woke up at 930am lounged around for a bit then headed to TGIF with the boo because apparently I eat what I want. Ive been super stoked to go there for some odd reason. Orders nachos (not that great) but had this cheese dip that was flame.. maxed the fuck out.. Ordered teryaki skewers with sweet potato fries.. ate my bf’s regular fries though and took most of my lunch home.. After we were in a food coma we napped.. for hours. Woke back up again and I left shortly after. Pretty much did the same thing and was lazy the rest of the weekend.. again.. go figure.

Monday morning (today), over slept.. kept hitting snooze but was ever so comfortable. Ill start my early morning cardio sessions tomorrow. No joke. I have less than 3 weeks till my birthday with a few pounds to play with (id prefer to lose my fat into muscle then just lose it altogether).. I can do this. No eating shitty, no alcohol drinking, just clean good fun 🙂 I have a super sexy dress I want to wear and Ill be damned if I don’t feel fabulous in it 😉

 

Cheesin’ like a motherfucker.

So shit has been going great.. I am staying on track, and keeping up with my workouts.. but the most amazing part of this journey has been falling in love with a great man and on the right steps to loving myself.

They say you can’t fully love until you love yourself. I beg to differ (to an extent). He is the reason I smile and he never fails to put one on my face. He loves me for me, not because of how my ass looks, or whether or not I have abs that day (lol). I know I haven’t really posted about my relationships (mostly because I had none) but figured it took away from the reason I started this blog in the first place. However… it has EVERYTHING to do with it. I have dated assholes who have given me ultimatums regarding competing for a show or staying with that person. I have dated people that think I am shady or cheating on them because I stayed at the gym for one hour too many. I have dated people where I needed to impress them. Never again. I don’t want to have to constantly have a stick up my ass because I’m not feeling “up to par”.. I need to focus on my emotions and really what is causing them. It’s like my whole days goes to shit if I feel that I look like crap, and now.. being with someone that enjoys my company outside of a good body or a pretty face, is life changing. Enjoying life isn’t something I am familiar with, with all these fucked up thoughts constantly running through my brain.

But lately, I feel different. I feel like even though I am the only cause for my interal happiness, he is by far one of the biggest helps in my life. He pushes me to be a better person and truly understands the fight I fight each and every day. He tells me I am beautiful multiply times a day, and I am starting to actually believe it. I don’t need a man in my life (like I did when I was younger), but every part of me wants him.

I have fallen in love with my best friend.

First Shit Show of the Summer.

Where do I even begin?

What was suppose to be a mini 3 day vaca, couldn’t even start off on the right foot.

 

For the most part I will just post pictures (even though I don’t have many because my phone was always dead).. just because I don’t even know if words will or can describe this fucking shit show. 

 

So let’s start off with waiting for the boys to come scoop Marley and I up. Mom thinks it’s a good idea to start on about my relationship with one of the boys I have been “seeing”. I know I haven’t been open about my personal life but when its necessary I will. With that being said and without saying much, she kind of started bashing him. Ok, so I wouldn’t say “bashing” but not talking positively about our little so called “relationship”… okay fuck it, she thinks that since we are having sex that hes using me. Ok granted in most of my past relationships I have been used (and have been the user so I am no pocket of sunshine) but what she doesn’t know that if I didn’t want the sex I wouldn’t have it. Is it that hard to comprehend? The sex is great and until further notice I will continue to have it. In NO way shape or form do I feel used. This guy (again, without even saying much) is just short of amazing. And since I now know that you read my blogs, I hope you’re blushing 😉 lol kidding but honestly I hope you know that I pray to God everyday, thanking him for putting you in my life. 

 

Okay okay okay.. exactly why I don’t get all emotional and shit lol because it sounds like that ^ ^ 🙂

 

So after our argument, blood was starting to boil…. walked upstairs to get the cage out of my room (for Marley) and I literally could not figure out  how the FUCK to tear it down.. I wanted to throw it out the fucking window. My mom started getting pissed because she said it sounded like I was going to come thru the ceiling so I said fuck it and left it. Now.. maybe I should let it be known that I have always have problems managing my anger and just scream and swear and act immature as a way to cope. I have learned that this is not a healthy way of living. Trust me. 

 

So as hot tempered Marissa bitch fitted her way out the door, the boys roll up. Now.. we rented a car for the weekend because we were bringing up two dogs and a shit ton of….shit I guess (fishing poles food coolers ext) and again… 2 fucking pit bulls lol. Okay.. so they roll up.. I start putting my shit in the car and we try to get the dogs in there as well.. Well….. that didn’t work out as well as I had planned. At this point.. with the littlest shit pissing me off, I didn’t even want to go. Not to mention guess who was sitting in the SMALL ASS backseat with 1 huge pit trying to bang my baby girl THE WHOLE FUCKING TIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

Fuck it.. not even that important.. I sat there quietly. Awkward. as. fuck. Until I realized that I wanted to drink. So I did just that. 3 hours later we pulled up to his house. At this point I realized that I needed to suck it all up for once and stop being such a gosh darn princess. We all unpacked and I made the boys peanut butter and jelly on my little bad ass sandwich grill lol.. So as we ate and drank we just chilled for a bit.

 

Fast forwarding to Saturday Morning..

 

..I impatiently wait around and before noon even hit we were in the car heading down to the water. We get into the water and we all start drinking (more so because I was freezing and the sun wasn’t out.. just like earlier where life sucked in the back of the car, apparently drinking solves problems)… a couple of bites later, the weather turned. Rain start pouring down and we headed back to shore. I was still sitting on the edge with my rod in the water… I swear rain helps fishers lol.. but it didn’t. No big deal. We head home, change and probably start drinking again. Later that night we headed to the casino and I pissed away a little bit of money.. nothing too drastic (but I can SURE as fuck see how people lose mortgages.. holy fuck).. So we all decided to sit down at the roulette table which had turned all digital, it was all touch screen. It was awesome. I sat by my dude for a bit and picked some numbers for him.. probably 20 minutes later Kornel put $20 on my screen and I started playing. I swear, INSTANTLY I was up at least double my money. I ended up walking about with $60 lol… not bad for nothing right? On our way back from the casino we stopped at this strip club that I had been to once before. Now granted I haven’t been to many strip clubs but this was like nothing short of a hole in the wall (speaking of random holes.. omg jk lol)… but just remember, I am in Wisconsin. LOL.
Here.. you weren’t suppose to take pictures but I clearly can’t follow rules…So that’s Teddy pretty much getting molested and loving it. I got groped by a stripper and my boobs were taken out and fondled. lmfao. so dirty idk wtf was going on. We leave the strip club, and we run into a younger guy (early 20’s ??) walking with a cane. I don’t know how this all started but we all got to talking. Long story short he pretty much got jumped (a pussy way of beating the crap out of someone), and it left him paralyzed. Holy fuck I know I am a bitch, but I cry like one too. I swear I could cry at the drop of a dime. sometimes, it sucks lol. But my heart dropped.. I felt so fucking bad. After we all keep drinking till the bar closed, we headed back home. The car ride back got pretty heated though. I swore at his friend (teddy) and pretty much didn’t hold back when he started saying shit I didn’t like. Clearly I was drunk so I don’t remember what was said I just know that when I get passionate about something (or feel that someone is being disrespected) I have NO problem letting people know whats up. I just don’t think being ignorant/disrespectful/hurtful is anyway shape or form is something to be proud about. I have hurt so many people in the past, that I am ashamed of it and hope that I am doing a better job not even for myself, but because of the pain I have brought on to so many people. It’s disgusting to even think about.Anyways lmfao.

blahblahblah I don’t remember anything after the car ride… soooo moving on lol..

 

Sunday Morning..

..and I am up before anyone else..aaaaaaaaaaagain (745am exactly lol). wait and wait and wait….teddy wakes up…waiiiitingggggggggggggggggg. I get annoying and wake Mike up. I keep lying to everyone and telling em its later then it really is and that we are pissing away our vaca hours! lol. I honestly dont care what people think of me anymore (I think I pissed both his friends off at some point, AND him now that I think about it lol)… so we pack up the booze and the rods and errrrybody and head out (not even 11am lol), we stop at the gas station and pick up some chasers and the boys all got cigarettes (btw 5 months CLEAN BITCHES!!) lol.. so we all start to head out and we hear something drop off the boat when Mike veered off the road a bit. Later we find out its my bowl that I have had for years.. literally years. lol. Super pissed (well kinda..shit happens).Sun is shining, boats in the water, drinks in one hand, fishing poles in the other.

We all have a good time, drinking and fishing.. Jumping into the water, falling into the water all for a few hours (besides waking up in the morning, this entire weekend I never actually knew what time it was lol).. So the sun was shining, temperature rising to the high 90’s.. Apparently I got drunk and passed out and now I have incredible sun burns.. oh.. and bruises. Words cant describe them and actually neither can these pictures because my bruises are BAD (falling into the water and boosting myself back up are the only things I can think of as to why I look like I got my ass beat). lol. So Sunday night was nice, we all chilled a bit, drinking more lol.. (don’t remember anything late night though)..

Monday Morning..

..I wait and wait and wait for people to get up. Teddy and I say fuck it and go and try to find my bowl on the side of the street. We pull up and park and as soon as we get out of the car I have 7 mosquitoes on me. 7. Fucking so fucking stupid. What the fuck. I was so annoyed all weekend because of these damn mosquitoes lol.

 

So as you probably could of guessed, we didn’t fucking find it. whatever. Just add it to the reasons this was a stupid shit show.. I don’t know a lot of these details lol so I went and asked this boy (enter smile here), and as what I waited to say happened Monday actually happened Sunday…. so lets back track.. blahblah were back to Sunday..

 

I happen to like this boy. We are nothing official unless Facebook adds a Friends with Benefits or Best Friends who are having sex button or “title”. I am okay with this. I actually PREFER this. YES ladies and gentlemen, I prefer this over being in a relationship. I am not going to get sappy or tell you how I don’t guys (Lol.. its true, but I also just don’t like people in general) <– true as shit and maybe I will post a separate blog as to why I wish I could keep the things I want and get dropped off on an island by myself (and the things I choose ect)..

 

..anyways another disclaimer/reminder? I AM AN EMOTIONAL ASS FUCK!

 

okay well.. that and I am very intuitive.. it’s almost scary sometimes. That being said I went thru his phone. I have never wanted to do it.. EVER. I can’t even explain why I did it. Well I happened to see texts from him and another girl (same girl we bumped into when I was out with him for his friends birthday), going back and forth about how he still loves her and how I am just a friend. Now.. I had NO right to do what I did (let this be known). I KNOWINGLY thru away trust and respect when I did that, but no joke.. Something inside me,  felt like I had to. Seek and you shall find.

 

My heart hit the floor. After all the conversations we had had, HE (out of all people) does this to me..? It was a slap in the face.. more like a spit in the face rather. I left the messages up of where it said he still loved her and set it on the table, plain sight, out in the open, the first thing he will see when he opens up the door and follows me inside. I meet him outside on the verge of a panic attack.. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I was 3 and 1/2 hours away with no reception. I wanted to throw up. I looked at him and calmly (legit calm) told him that I was going into our room and how I didn’t want to be bothered for the entire time. He looked at me, back down (probably because I wasn’t hyperventilating  like I wanted to, or screaming and slapping him in the face).. I swear sometimes I think I am psychotic. He was confused until after I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him, then I think the confusing got worse. I walked away and shut the door to our bathroom and sat on the toilet. I had NO idea what the fuck I was going to do. Had this been done in Illinois I would have NEVER spoken to him again. This is no way short of the truth, I am THAT stubborn. So I sat there, he came in, phone in hand. I don’t remember much of the details but I have never called someone a scumbag as much as I did that day. FUCKKKKKK was I hurt. He tried explaining, and I’ll cut this shit short, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. His logic only made sense to him, and as I tried explaining it I think he understands where I’m coming from. You don’t tell an exes best friend that you’re still in love with her and either a. think that wont be repeated or b.make her stop texting you? I don’t know and I don’t care, (To him: you’re only hurting yourself in the end babe..if you love her fight for her. No joke loves hard to find)..

 

 Okay so..that was like the cherry on top.

 

..Now you may be confused on why I was even pissed in the first place because I did this to myself and he really didn’t do anything. I mean I AM just his friend.. but the whole love thing…. again that’s not something you throw around. If it didn’t hurt me it should hurt the other ears listening. I would NEVER tell someone I was still in love with them if I didn’t mean it. THAT shit breaks hearts.. so do you get where I am coming from now? I mean 5 years he spent with this girl.. 2 months later we started “talking”.. shit has been great no bullshit no drama then this shit? And after my mom mentioned something to this extent MINUTES before he came and picked me up? Fucking weirrrrrddddd. Lol. But everything happens for a reason. Not even those weird signs but just the fact that this happened in Wisconsin. Like I wish all of you readers knew me on a personal level just so you know how I view life because I really am trying to be passionate about LIVING that I don’t DEAL with “drama”. That shit doesn’t phase me. You know why? I don’t allow it too. Yes shit pisses me off but nothing I can’t handle. So after that, probably countless apologies later, shit was like that never even happened..back to MONDAY.. shit was fine. I bitched some more about being hungry that they eventually got up and headed out to breakfast. Since we were already in bumble fuck we had to drive probably 15-30min away just to find some food (lol), not to mention it was memorial day… lol.. in Wisconsin wheres there like 2 McDonald’s in the entire state, we pull up to some breakfast place (kinda super excited only because small hole in the walls, unlike strip clubs, are fucking awesome) “rumored to be the best breakfast in town” (uh well no shit Sherlock you’re the ONLY breakfast place in town)… whatever. LOL. Teddy and I walk in while the other boys smoked a cig. Lady took awhile to even notice me, so teddy went and smoked a cig too.. She acknowledged me and then sat me. They all sat down and we looked over the menu which was awesome. lol I wanted EVERYTHING. I ended up like wanted a “Denver Scrambler” (actually spelled scramblee and realized how close the r is to the e and decided to correct it because y’all would just think I misspelled it and now know they did not name a scrambler a scramblee lol). It was Ham Onions Red Peppers and Cheddar Cheese. So when it was my time to order, I wanted that scrambler with Sausage instead of ham. She told me that I cant substitute the scramblers. I don’t know why but I said okay and someone else ordered. As I was scrambling around I wanted a different “scrambler” (wasn’t technically a scrambler but I forgot the name) and figured that I just couldn’t substitute but I could take out. So it had mushrooms and beans, but everything I wanted, I didn’t even want to add anything and she told me I couldn’t even do that…. blood fucking boiling. I had been hungry for the past 3 hours and now this waitress is making me look like a retard. So pretty much if his friends weren’t there I would of walked out. Again, no joke. She pissed me off that much. At first ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS CHANGE HAM TO SAUSAGE. Are you shitting me? Then ALL I WANTED WAS TO TAKE 2 INGREDIENTS OUT!!! Lmfao. God forbid. At that point I didn’t even want to eat I was just so fucking annoyed. Lol. Holy shit balls get me home.We stayed around for a little bit (sleeping, drinking ect), then started playing Frisbee. Time started to pass and it was already 6:30pm.. Teddy was going to stay (so he was getting tipsy) and we decided that we needed to leave soon. We packed up and cleaned the place up a bit, while Kornel was telling Teddy he’ll drive his car (FUCK YEA! Meaning I didn’t have to sit in the back with 2 dogs, sober and sun burnt as hell. NO FUCKING THANK YOU ). We got our shit in the car and headed out. About an hour and 1/2 later we stopped for food and I swear it was the best part of the trip. I need to go to AW again. Hamburger and chili cheese fries (and CHEESE CURDS HOLY FUCK) needs to be in my belly again. After that, another 2 hours later and I was passed out in my bed. Sun burnt but alive.

 

 

Positivity

So the whole not blogging every day has actually made me miss posting *smh..

..sometimes less IS more.

😉

So what’s clouding Marissa’s brain lately?

I am starting to appreciate things more.

Understanding that tomorrow is NOT promised.

So why do we do the things we do? Don’t people get it? Let’s just take money for example.. it can buy anything your little heart desires except one thing…time. You’re gone when its your time.

Plain and simple.

Don’t take advantage of today. We all have the ability to be completely happy.and I truly feel we have no one to blame but ourselves.

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.”- Robert Anthony.

Start rethinking what you may think are “priorities”, stop fearing the inevitable and live.

Other then my lovely rants.. I am feeling pretty good. Eating has been so easy ever since I put my carbs and fruits back in the mix. I can feel myself growing already and I am s t o k e d.

The Food Log

830am Brownie Quest Bar
11am 1/2 P28 Bagel and Almond Butter
2pm Leftovers of WW pasta and Ground Turkey
5pm 3 small chicken breasts (almonds if still hungry)
830pm (don’t know if I am working out today).. so this would change but protein and fat
Last meal– Casein protein shake (slower digesting protein)

The Work Out

Probably not working out today (but you never know).. But I will list my workout from yesterday.

I trained glutes 😉

Sumo Squats
3x15x35
2x12x45

Back Ext
4x10x45 w/ calf raises

Abs (I have to discuss this at a later date lol)..

Hamstring Curl

Only 3 sets- forget the weight.. but it didn’t feel good lol.

I have been killing it in the gym.. literally walked out earlier this week not being able to walk (I split legs into 2 sessions so I train them twice a week).. I have just been focusing on form and contractions rather then reps (even though I still count most of them).. but I have been feeling really good. Have laid off cardio a bit (wont hold my breathe) so that makes it easier to kill it even more 😉

Will be in Wisconsin tomorrow night till Monday afternoon.. so that means so time in an actual gym..  Meaning hopefully we go for a lot of walks and canoeing and just stay active. I know my diet will be on point ( I actually get excited about traveling and eating healthy).. but I know one day I WILL drink lol and maybe enjoy some extra carbs here and there :):):)

Heading over to a small shop to pick up a few tank tops and a pair of shorts to wear on the boat, then stopping at sunset to pick up meat (and my healthy food to bring on the way up there).. Def hope I score some of those Sugar Free Chocolate Chip Cookies again.. Those were solid and I wouldn’t even need to “cheat” haha if I had those.. We’ll see. I am so E X C I T E D! It’ll be like a mini vaca! I’ll still be emailing and responding though (as much as I can.. up there doesn’t have much service).. but I will do my best.

Until then, practicing patience and positivity. ❤

The ever so anticipated progress pictures:

No explanations, no validations no more disclaimers (besides this one, that is)..

After AM show this is what I ate….

and then this is what I looked like (bloated) after breakfast..

…..btw have NO idea why my pictures are turning sideways and upside down lol. I apologize.

Post Comp/ Weekend Recap

Well that sucked.

Lmfao. I don’t even know where to begin. I wrote a Thursday post but never posted it for some reason. I’ll start from there I suppose. So I had to wake up extra early to finish cardio before I had to pick up my bosses kids for school (yeah…. I know).. But regardless the day went as planned. After work I headed over to the nail place, got acrylics and my toe nails painted. This took about an hour, at which point I went directly to Taylor’s salon. We ended up doing an all over, an eggplant color. This took about 2 hours at which point, was already 930 at night, but still made it to the gym to do some cardio and sit in the sauna. After I finished with her I went right to the hotel and tried to unwind.

Friday morning wasn’t as hectic as I thought. I got up thinking that they had a fitness center in the hotel but they didn’t. No big deal I just went to X Sport down the street, finished cardio and on the way home stopped at Sunset foods (which is like a Whole Foods), and got a turkey and some sugar free cookies for after the show. I was running a little behind only because I called Taylor’s salon and she wasn’t there yet so I waited for her text to tell me to come by. We started my tanning process a little before noon. I was there till 3 fucking o’clock. This Jan Tana BULLSHIT was just that, bullshit. Turned me black and did NOT look good sprayed on. So after I left her salon looking like a fucking moron, I went back to the hotel. I wasn’t that upset because I still had time to get sprayed (she had another solution she wanted me to try), but I fell asleep for a couple hours. I woke up at about 630pm and Mike came over. We picked up Marley and headed over to Bridgeview, Il to check in at the gym over there. I was running so fucking late. Why I took a nap before check in is beyond me, but I literally made it with 5 minutes to spare. 5 minutes. 7:55pm no joke. After all this I went back to the hotel and we just chilled. Marley was being the biggest pain in the ass and I had no idea why but Mike left for a bit and I fell back asleep.

Taylor came over at midnight (after I kept falling asleep), and we started spraying another coat of this tan called Fake Bake (which she originally wanted to use prior to using the jan tana color) but I was hesitant because its not a competition spray.. I understand it may get someone dark but on stage is awhole nother story. You should be BLACK … lol.. she finished at about 2am. She left, mike came back and I laid upright in bed for 2 hours.  Got up at 5am, took a shower to wash off the excess solution, but the entire tan came off. So at 530 am on the morning of my comp, I was about as pale as they come. Awesome.

Well, Taylor came back at 530am, and wanted to just spray just this bronzer on me but I remembered we had another bottle of a different solution made by jan tana, so.. I got naked, stood in front of the mirror and we both started applying this solution. Well.. it looked better. I guess.. if better just means I looked….. uh different? lol.. I was streaky as fuck and just getting pissed. I needed to be out the door at 7am because I had a mandatory meeting at 830am in CHICAGO (which not to mention is FUCKING BULLSHIT! that and the whole checking in at USA gym.. just is so stupid and you would think they know that this whole thing is stressful enough).. whatever.. anywho…. so as I’m getting pissed.. hair is still curly as all hell.. and still had to finish my hair and put my make up on as my tan tried to dry. Ohhhhhhhh the time just flew by. Taylor was patient as shit with me (God bless her) and we finally got all our shit together and I was on the road at 730am.. traffic was a little bad at times because of some summit shit but I got to there within 45 minutes. Not like I really could of gave a shit.. but whatever.

So I got to the theater, found a semi decent parking spot and just sat there. It was raining… I had no umbrella or anything to cover my hair body or face with… so I just sat there for another 2 minutes ready to just book it. People were piling in, and vendors were setting up.. I waited for Taylor and we got some final touches done.. Bloated, streaky, hair frizzy, and bikini too small… I felt like shit.. especially seeing these beautiful ladies.. beautiful TANNED ladies… lmao.. ughhhhhhhhh…

Alright well it was what it was.. I really didn’t have time to take any pictures (it was so packed in the pump up room), and it was STICKY in there. This is a huge problem. My hair.. yeah.. unless you know me personally you’ll never understand. my hair is fucking crazy. I could feel it getting worse. I couldn’t stop touching it. I didn’t know what to do.. not to mention NO PONYTAIL HOLDER???? Really???????????????? Since when don’t I have a scrunchie? fuck me. Yup and then they called bikini tall. Lined up. Last one in line. Couldn’t stop grabbing my ass, complete wedgie. Why? forgot bikini bite. After hours of “preparation”… yes I borrowed some but I should of done it WAY earlier.. Oh so picture me.. fidgeting with my hair, my ass, and walking like I have something in my ass. OIL SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN THE PUMP UP ROOM.. Guys don’t care because they are bare foot, so they just drip that shit errrrrrywhere. Yes I just  want to bitch.. Well yeah so that was me. Even on stage. Most embarrassing 5 minutes of my life. Why? I KNEW I wasn’t ready and I was just doing this because I felt obligated. Yes I worked hard but I took this like it was just something I signed up for. I wasn’t ready. I knew it. I am upset with suitsyouswimwear, my bikini was not custom made.. I was holding water like it was nobodies business… My hands are still black from the original Jan Tana tan (my elbows? Oh yeah.. I look like a giraffe or a cow.. whatever.. oh yeah.. actually… a cow fits me PERFECTLY!) Seriously though, I apologize. I’m not fat per say, but I sure did feel it. I took pictures after I got home from breakfast that are currently uploading..

Okay back on track.. so yeah blahblahblah got my happy ass off stage real fast, gathered my shit up and went to breakfast. Please see below:

How AMAZING! Only finished half of each(okay more then half of my waffle… but that’s because we were there for awhile and I knew I wasn’t going to take home a waffle.. so I couldn’t help myself!) lol my stomach was hurting.. So after breakfast I went back to the hotel to actually check in for another night.. I had called and asked for a late check out (which was $10 per extra hour) but since the room was less then $60 it was just better to not have to worry about packing up and going home since my sister just arrived back from Minnesota… so I went back up to my room and chilled out for a bit, while I did my own photo shoot.. please don’t be offended, you should know by now but I take provocative pictures.. Please see below as well:

haha yeah.. so that was me bloated.. okay even MORE bloated after that wonderful waffle creation.  Lmfao.. also stopped at a “chocolate factory” haha.. it was a tiny chocolate store I saw on the way to breakfast.. Got cookie dough dipped in chocolate.. then finished my night with Buffalo Wild Wings.. my FAVE restaurant lol and ate part of my life away there too… Ordered whatever I wanted without a care in the world. Felt awesome. I don’t remember what time I feel asleep but I woke up Sunday, at 930am feeling fully charged.

I finished packing up my shit and checked out of the hotel at 1130am and headed home. Found my sister, or rather my sisters clothes EVERYWHERE.. sucks I don’t have my own room when she comes home because she steals shit. And thinks shes entitled to whatever she wants to do.. meaning all my shit is moved and whatever lose odds and ends I may have had lying around are misplaced or taken for ransom or until I find it in her purse a week later. I took a nap for a few hours, got up, got in a fight with my sister, and about an hour later I left to go meet up with mike so we could go to coldstone. yep. coldstone.. lol

Even though it sucked because I didn’t add in enough shit lol. So it was basically ice cream.. but it was still better then chicken and broccoli. Thatsferdamnsure.

Blahblahblah and now its Monday. Clean relaxed eating now.

Literally feel awesome. I don’t have to worry about anything anymore, except lifting big and eating big! I WANT TO GROW! I have SO much potential and it sucks I did something to “track” my progress KNOWING I wasn’t ready but I will continue to go strong. I am so excited to finally be allowed almost twice as many carbs as the last month, and using that energy to kick ass in the gym.. This show was a stepping stone for bigger and better things.. I am STOKED.. seriously fucking ecstatic. Game on.