Thinking thoughts on purpose. 

I am learning to give myself permission to become who I was meant to be. Because all this time I’ve been fighting myself, my own true worst enemy. And although the battle is yet to be over, I have found a new strength in me. With having faith and truly believing, THAT is what was key -MC

 …and that came out of no where. I haven’t written something that rhymed in forever. Nor was it meant to.. I was inspired to post so early this morning after I heard the best lesson of my life. It’s the first morning in two weeks that I didn’t need to set an alarm. Around 830am I turned the TV on. What made me click on Joel Osteen, I have no clue, but there was a reason I did. That service was meant for me. I cried majority of the time which was picked up in the background when I recorded the sermon, cute. But I was speechless. The title of this blog is a quote he said that will forever be embedded in me. I cannot live a positive life with a negative mind. There’s just no way around it. 

I am changing and it’s beautiful. 

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Looking fit means shit. 

With everything going on, years ago I’d punish myself by feeding the pain. Today, I am still holding strong. I no longer look to food as comfort, but as fuel. I realize that with everything going on in the outside world, if I lost myself I’d have nothing. 

I am consistent with my workouts and try to progress every day. My “diet” (you should all know by now I use that word very loosely), is not where it should be, but due to circumstances I’m making the best out of it. 

All said and done, I am in the best shape I have ever been. What does that even mean? I should rephrase that.. I LOOK like I am in the best shape of my life. 

  
Here’s the thing… 

..I can bang out 225# deadlifts, 50# DB shoulder press’.. But when it comes to skill work, and actually USING my muscles, I found I am actually quite weak. 

Shoulder taps, ring dips.. being as sore as I was, I just couldn’t hang (no pun intended 😜). ..and as competitive as I am, it sucked at first.. But I walked away excited for a new challenge. I never get bored with trying to PR on a lift (especially bench and deadlifts), but I’ve never been so intrigued with trying to be versatile in this industry. I don’t want to just look strong, I want to be strong.   
  

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Hope, is an anchor for the soul.

I wish I could be this bitch that I’m perceived to be.. That resting bitch face, I got on lock.. Being one, I struggle with. Would I be fighting so hard if I was all about myself? If I didn’t care so hard? I wonder how I would live this life with another heart. The one I have is too fragile. 

This place just makes me sad. The cruelty of it, the pain the hurt.. We have a way of separating ourselves.. Judging everything.. We as a society.. A nation.. A world.. We cause so much unnecessary hardship, yet ask have the balls to ask, why? We blame God for taking away, but don’t thank him enough for all that he’s given.. Which to us, wouldn’t seem like much. We’re greedy, and one day we will finally understand the meaning behind this place..

I just hope it’s not too late…
Today marks the day, that in all fifty states, that same sex marriage is legal. It makes me so incredibly sad, that it had to take this long. There is not enough love in this world, and to hear people defending against such a “law”, is disgusting. You don’t have to agree, which I can’t understand why, but to fight against equality.. Just goes to show you how far behind we truly are. I understand we are making progress.. But how is that even something to celebrate? It’s year 2015.. Race should never have been an issue, same sex marriage should never have been an issue, woman’s rights should have never been an issue… It’s the ignorance that I find to be the issue. I am sad we flourish on inventing new innovations for the future, yet seem to care less about the present. How are there still kids starving? How are people living their lives with no care in the world except the dollars in their bank accounts? Hoarding money, invading taxes, not paying people a decent living wage… I hate to sound redundant, but again we all have the same outcome. The money means nothing at the end of the day and will not allow you to escape the inevitable. Why are we working against each other, when we would flourish tremendously together? 

Pray to whatever God you believe in, love who ever you want, be whoever you want.. Isn’t that what we preach? Be you.. Be you in a world that will judge you for being you… A place where we all yearn to be different but so accustom to fitting in because it’s easier. We’re fake. We are such a contradiction it makes me cry. It makes me cry because maybe through all the pain heart break and tragedy we place on ourselves, that one day we’ll finally make a break thru. I’m not saying what we’re doing isn’t enough, I’m saying it shouldn’t have ever been an issue to discuss. The color of your skin, who you sleep with at night, how much money you have.. It’s all irrelevant. Why don’t we understand that? 

Maybe through all the bullshit, we will learn a lesson so important, that it was all worth it..

Only time will tell.. 

It’s crazy to think how much time I’ve dedicated to this industry, and how I might have to walk away. I’ve simply lost my patience for people. No one wants to put in the work. Everyone wants a quick fix and I’m telling you if it existed, this world wouldn’t be as unhealthy as it is. 

I thought about it more as I was in spin class. I thought of how it sucked, and how the pain I was enduring burned incredibly. I thought of how easy it was to give up, but really what was I giving up on? Myself, that’s what. I am doing this for me. Regardless of the ulterior motive I may have, at the end of the day this is for me. You have to WANT this. You have to WANT this for you. 

I met a young girl today, 21 years old. She was doing abs and said how she does 500 of them every other day. I get to talking with her and after hearing she won’t give up drinking, I give her some advice. I then tell her who I am and if she had any questions, to feel free to ask. I gave her as much information I could in a quick 10 minute conversation. I apologized for talking so much, she thanked me for doing so.

   

I just want people to educate themselves. I beat myself up over the fact that I didn’t try in high school, and how if I knew better I would have done better. I starved, I puked, I destroyed not only my metabolism but my way of thinking. I saw “results”, and continued doing what I had been doing.. Which sadly, most people do. They see the number on the scale go down, and think what they’re doing is working. It’s frustrating. It’s even more frustrating dealing with clients that SHOULD know better, but think they know more. Although I have been doing this for awhile, I don’t know everything. But even with that being said, I know enough to help these people help themselves and yet it’s never fast enough.. Quick enough.. Nothing is ever good enough and one day I might just start believing that. 

The fuel I may have needed. 

It’s only been a few days since I experienced a life changing situation. I still don’t know how I feel about it. What I do know, is even if my questions don’t seem to be answered at this very moment, it’s just that. A moment. I will not allow my past to take precedence over my future. 

It’s time I feed this fire. 

Mama Indigo 

The best thing you can do is master the chaos in you. You are not thrown into the fire, you are the fire.

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K. Foli 

How did you know you’re a healer? 

Because I kept falling in love with broken people..

Then why are you alone?

Because I’m broken too, so I’m falling in love with myself to get a taste of my own medicine.

Still keeping quiet. 

My mind still races a mile a minute. I don’t think that will ever change, nor do I think I want it too. 
My body, much like my mind, is out of control.

Much like my life. 

However, I’m still treading water and have become great at doing so. 
  
Currently tracking food: Day 30. Trying to keep as many calories down as possible. My body is fighting. 

I want to get organized enough to track and post, so everyone can experience a healthy way of achieving whatever body you imagine yourself to have. I want to continue sharing my past disordered days, with well a little less disordered way of life. I went from starving skinny fat, to loving living healthfully. Why over work (“cardio bunnies”) and under eat, when you don’t have to? Being “fit”, doesn’t have to suck. Enjoy the journey, your journey. 

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You’re still in control,

but don’t for one second think you have won. I am simply being proactive instead of reactive for once in my life. I have zero idea of what you’re capable of anymore, but we both know my safety isn’t a care of yours. 

I wish so deeply that I could write freely. So much is going on, I wish I could journal my way through some of it. Maybe I should write as I would, but save the posts for a better time? Whatever I choose to do, I feel as though I am walking a fine line because when push comes to shove, I enjoy a good pissing contest. I just hope I don’t upset myself and post out of anger. 

One things for certain, my talks with God sure are getting longer. 

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Filters don’t just stop at pictures..

I wish I could be more honest here. I’m truly afraid of my safety, so I have to filter everything. This isn’t like a journal a would keep at home, knowing its out of harms way.. It’s just going to take time before I can truly open up with the pain I am going through..

Until then, filter on.. 

I wrote the paper, actually edited it and turned it into my psychology teacher the last day of class. Meaning, class is over. Meaning, my psychology teacher is no longer my psychology teacher. Instead, she’s my therapist. My first meeting with her was yesterday, and it was literally like reading my entire paper to her. Everything I wrote in that paper is a complete description of the turmoil I have found myself in. So although it was the first meeting, and her already having an inside scoop, it was truly comforting. It felt like she’s been with me the entire time, and I have felt very alone during this journey. 

I am finishing up a few other doctor apts regarding my health this week, literally an appointment every day. It’s exhausting, but feelin like shit sucks worse.

Thanks for all the love on the recent posts. It’s nice to read kind words when you’ve focused solely on the negative ones for so long.. 

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