Day 30 My only wish is I die real.

HAD TO START WITH SAYING 2 MONTH CIGARETTE FREE!!!

But I feel like shit.

I felt like shit last night too, so woke up 15 min prior to  me needing to leave. Not like I give a shit, but Marley would NOT stop whinning at 6am. My mom had to come in and take her out, shes such a weirdo.

But back to me feeling like shit. It feels like acid reflux. Haven’t had it in AWHILE.. so it’s weird that its coming back now. FUCKKKK I took 3 tums last night and I woke up fine, now it hurts again.

Had a dope ass shake though.

830am W/ the nasty WF vanilla P. powder with fresh pineapple, frozen mango ice and water (oh and fiber). It was awessssssssssssssssome. I am going to add coconut oil tomorrow 🙂

Anywho its 1041am I found Raw almonds in a customers car LMFAO. I had to go in it to get the title and all of a sudden a bag of unopened almonds popped out. FUCKING PERFECT. I was starving and not only was my stomach hurting from WHATEVERTHEFUCKISGOINGON, i had hunger pains too. 😦 No bueno.

So I ate a handful of those then had a piece of pineapple. MMMMMM I LOVE FOOD!

NEED TO GO TO THE DMV today, but Matt isn’t here. I am seriously in so much trouble. :(:(

Bought another sweatshirt from LIFT BIG EAT BIG. The purple one. 🙂 I only bought one sweatshirt from their because I am rewarding myself. I haven’t gotten any check from school cathy or my tax return so this is my money rewarding myself for hitting day 30 🙂 But I want like 2 or 3 more things 🙂

&& I want these SO BADDDDDDD ❤

Anyways. I am in a really good fucking mood. the weather is FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!! no joke its 68 degrees March 6. Take a few seconds and thank WHOEVER you think is in charge of life and death and thank them for another day here on earth.

Actually what if death is better then life? lol. Like once we die its like a never ending party. hahahaha justkidding. THANK YOU GOD FOR TODAY! ❤

I feel myself getting a little hungry (231pm) I have more pineapple that I shouldnt eat, actually I CAN, omg stomach pains again 😦 but I may go sneak some more almonds lmfao.. ITS LEG DAY TODAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! Lets see some sexy legs!!!!!!!!!

So far doing legs 2x a week is going great. My ass is huge, and its staying that way, all while my legs (thighs ext) are thinning out. FUCK YEAH!..

See I’m positive about my body when I’m in a good mood, and think I’m pregnant when I’m not.
Writing things down does help…….

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

924pm Just an update

Left for work at 5pm. Got flicked off and tried to run off the road TWICE. I was taking a video of the first guy because he was acting crazy and as soon as I was about to hit off I said ” and I need to cut this guy off”.. but hoesntly THERE WAS ENOUGH DAMN ROOM. it wasn’t like a huge ordeal. Well I turned the record button off and continued driving. Well the road merges back onto the highway or follow with traffic. Well this guy got on the further road to go straight and wouldn’t let me in.. Pretty much he was running me off the road.. WEll I saw I had like 100 feet and sped up and I didn’t give a shit if he hit my car. He had a mercedes and I simply didn’t care. I wouldn’t of said anything, probably wouldn’t of even stopped had he hit me lol.. Anywho I got my camera back on and he started acting normal till he got on the right again (after fucking with me) and I slowed down and rolled down my window.. I wanna see if I can post the video here.. lol

Nevermind it won’t let me :(:( Hopefully I can figure it out sometime.. But he said, cut me off one more time bitch.. and he sounded so flustered like he knew he was on camera lol and didn’t know if he was going to roll down his window or not.. whatever hahaha.. I can’t believe it.. thats 3 times in 2 days..

So I got home I ate a piece of steak again at like 445 so I only ate a couple scoops of applesauce (just because lol) and part of a lara bar.. I had a lot of fruit today.

Got to the gym at 730pm

Squats!

60lbs x 10reps
80lbs x 10reps
90lbs x 8reps
100lbs x 6reps
110lbs x 4reps

Moved onto lunges. MHMMMMM started at 40 lb DB in each hand

80lbs x 100 MOTHER FUCKING LUNGES BABY!

My forearms wanted to give up more then my legs did. My legs were hurting at the last few reps.. like wobbly type shit. Then went over to the Leg Ext.. Even though I was going to do calves but I was kind of spacey.

65lbs x 12reps
80lbs x 10reps
95lbs x 10reps
110lbs x 8reps
125lbs x 8reps
140lbs x 6reps

FInished with 3 sets of 10 reps (45lbs) seated calf raises.

Did 2 set of planks. I was hurting. I did 10 box jumps though lol.. and I really didn’t feel anything jiggle up and down lol.. whichhhh is fanfuckingtastic.

🙂

Got a diet coke (yes I am taking full advantage before I can’t drink it anymore)… ate some stolen almonds. And then made a smoothie.. coconut mango pineapple… mmmmm so fucking good.

Probably all Im gonna eat.. I want to go to bed at a normal time..

I have been thinking about things… and I really need to stop getting so upset about things so fast. Everything can be solved. But first you just need to breathe. Honestly. ENJOY your life. Do something for YOU! Not only that find something you can hold on too.. That gives you faith.. that gives you hope… I really think people need to start living for  something.

Then I get to thinking about how people can’t even say thank you or bless you when someone sneezes. How people can’t even hold a door open for someone anymore, and I think people are going to just take a few seconds even to thank the universe for all I care, just to be alive.  Life is so precious and you really don’t know when its all going to end. but when it does I want to have at least help or have helped someone… anyone.. I want someone to have been changed by something I stood for or just said in general. I want little girls to know that they are beautiful. That the outside does NOT define who you are inside. That vanity is ignorance to the beauty thats around us. I want people to be happier.. just fucking stop hating each other.. why are you holding a grudge? why is everyone SO DAMN MAD ALL THE FUCKING TIME?!?!

The thing is is I always LOOK mad, completely different then actually being mad.. yes perspective is everything and everyone judges, but honestly I think in my life, I’ve been more sad then mad and I used being angry to cover up wanting to always cry. I mean fuck I’ve done my fair share of crying (and I could cry at just about anything lol). But I think I rather choose to scream and yell then to crying and hyperventilate.

I always knew anger was a second emotion but never put much thought into it. The thing is is I wasn’t mad at the world, or people around me.. I was just upset at my life and how I was living it. I was probably jealous and envious over certain peoples lifestyles, bodies, cars  (whatever the fuck it may be) but never truly upset with anyone.. Not even my dad who introduced himself to me on my 8th grade graduation.

Yeah my mom thinks I should be angry at him but honestly I don’t. He didn’t leave me, he never hated me.. Shit happens and people react in different ways. Hence what I am saying about myself. I choose to do stuff differently (judge people ext), and no one really told me I was ever wrong, Just like my father knows (hopefully) but thats it. As long as you learn a lesson from past mistakes I think in the end it will make you a better person. Though they say never to regret anything, well I don’t believe in that. I don’t mean sit there and dwell, but I don’t think regretting something is wrong. It doesn’t do much, but its not wrong. I think it would be wrong if you didn’t regret it (meaning you’d do it again).. Idk to each their own.. I just wish I didn’t have to hurt people to become what I think is a better person now.

Words hurt. Words stay in peoples minds. and I am so sorry to anyone that I have ever hurt.

and trust me, I have hurt people with the words I have said. I am not proud the fact that I can hurt someone so badly with just the words that come out of my mouth. and to think I WANTED to hurt someone with them…

I was just lost. lost and confused 😦

Shit this could go on forever but I am going to end it here.. its going on 10pm..

Point is.. I am a different person now. I do not judge anyone, because it is not my place to judge. Being open and having people being open with me, has made me realize that just because a person is smiling on the outside, that they are not living, going or been thru hell.

I have heard some fucked up stories, that I couldn’t even dream up if I wanted too, not to mention, would I have EVER of guessed that this person has been through, what they went thru.

Just please the next time you want to say something mean rude, hurtful disrepesetful ext.. know that not only do sticks and stones hurt…. so do words. and some people are going thru enough behind close doors, that they don’t need an ignorant jackass talking shit.

Sorry. Idk why that all came out.. 😦

Anyways I’m going to bed. Sorry to bore the fuck out of you.

Goodnight ❤

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One thought on “Day 30 My only wish is I die real.

  1. April says:

    Awesome on staying 2 months smoke-free! lol i hate arm workouts too.. always want to go straight into legs and butt, but then we’d end up looking a little disproportionate, maybe. haha. speaking of, yours is looking good :3

    what’s going on with your car situation though?! & lmao at the almonds!

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