Day 92 – Tuesday 5/8 (Last week).

So it is Tuesday, May 8..

“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.” -Peter Marshal

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH oddly the days aren’t flying by like I imagined. It seems like everything has been working out in the smallest ways, therefore making life a LITTLE less stressful.  Granted I just finished a 3 hour exam and have been getting up religiously for morning cardio. The only thing I would say that I am stressing about is losing my ass even more then I have, and getting my period (TMI but I kinda feel it coming. Oh but a little FYI this happened last show too haha).. The only thing that sucks about that is bloating.. and holding water.. this = DISASTER..

 

 

Any who.. at this point, it is what it is. My favorite quote, and something I say almost daily to myself. Its a reminder that we cannot change somethings and I do believe that everything happens for a reason (STRONG believer in this).  I am just going to take this as another thing to check off that I accomplished, something that I trained for for months, something I worked damn hard at (and sometimes not so much HAHA)..  This has been a learning experience for me. As most of you may already know I have struggled with body image for quite some time now. I use to follow what everyone else was doing, and doing shit to my body that I would be ashamed of now. I did whatever I could to look good outside, so I could feel good inside. Little did I know, that was the entire battle. A pointless one. One I wouldn’t win unless I stopped fighting AGAINST the one person I was trying to love all along, myself.  I have eaten next to nothing for days, I have also binged more then one would admit too, I have taken numerous amounts of diet pills, yes I have done a lot in the 23 years I have been living. But growing up hating yourself is a full time job and I am sick of it. It makes me feel uncomfortable, ugly, useless, worthless, and then I turn mean. More so because I am sad inside, but because I am upset with myself. I feel like I failed. How can food be controlling my every move?

Because I allowed it.

No more guys. I sit here with my belly rumbling and 1/2 gallon water sitting next to me. These are different conditions. I am on the last week of my 3 month training regimen, about to walk the stage in 6 inch heels and a bikini in front of hundreds of people, and 4 judges about to critique MY BODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No this isn’t for everyone. Trust me.

It is more mentally challenging then it is physically. The first one I trained for I was shocked. The changes your body goes through and how your brain tries to follow along just gets demanding and you’re left confused. You have to have a happy place and I hope that happy place isn’t balls deep in a bag of Doritos. I don’t believe this was a good decision (regarding competing) in each of my situations only because I wasn’t healthy. I wasn’t ready mentally or emotionally but I did it because in my mind I needed a “goal”. I needed a time limit so I couldn’t make excuses (how’d that work out for me..). But now after this (which surprisingly I have the best attitude towards it then I ever have), I feel so much stronger. Yes I can lift a lot but I mean inside. I feel like I finally have control. Food is fuel = energy. Use it as such. Yes there is a lot of tasty foods out there and yes I think everything is okay in moderation, but why have copious amounts of fat on your body at all times?

Nothing good comes out of it.. PROVE ME WRONG I DARE YOU!

and if you tell me you don’t give a shit and you just want to enjoy food because it tastes good, fine but I can ONLY imagine what you think when you see yourself naked. Honestly.

Alright followers this is a little update/ inside my mind for ya..

Today’s schedule-

7am 30min Cardio
9-5pm Work
7pm Hair cut
830pm Leg Workout + Cardio
1030pm Sports Nutrition Project
11pm Bed

The Food Log

8am 1/4cup Oatmeal, with a 1/2 scoop protein powder, and 1/2 grapefruit.
1130am 1/2 chicken breast with asparagus
230pm 1/2 chicken breast with asparagus
500pm Brown Rice Tuna Avocado Sushi Roll (4)
800pm Some kind of protein
11pm Brown Rice Tuna Avocado Sushi Roll (4)

Just a few pictures because we know how I love to take them..

  1. What I had yesterday morning for breakfast. Awesome  ya?
  2. My meals and snack for the work hours.
  3. What my fridge looks like (see upside down again.. wtf).

The Work Out

Don’t even know. Having Taylor there should help keep my energy up (since I don’t have any)..
All I really know is we are going to be squatting A LOT.. that and lunging like we’ve never lunged before..

Should I tell her how sore she is going to be? lol.

Final Week Check List (cont)..

  • Finalizing hotel today.
  • Picked up Mac foundation, lip gloss, and eyelashes.
  • Need to buy ice packs for coolers.

Other then that, I don’t really need anything else. Everything will just happen as each day passes.. Like tomorrow might be the only day where I don’t have an appointment somewhere.. I just have my final project due for my nutrition class.. But Thursday I have a late nail appointment and that’s when I will be checking into the hotel.. Only a couple more workouts and then Friday after my tan I will just chill all day probably flexing.

HA!

Alright I am going to get back to work and hopefully things continue to stay peachy.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2 thoughts on “Day 92 – Tuesday 5/8 (Last week).

  1. Catherine says:

    I love reading your posts and I actually look forward to them. This one I love the most, everything you said about how you felt about your lifestyle and body it’s like you just took the thoughts out of my head. You are so motivating and I know you are going to do great at your competition. Keep up the good work girl 🙂

    • ohshititsmar says:

      You are awesome. Thank you so much for taking the time out and leaving me this comment. It honestly means a lot. I hope anyone reading my posts can relate and hopefully gain some knowledge to better their lives.. it sucks being held captive in your own mind.. 😦

      thank you again Catherine ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: