I don’t know what’s going on here.

I caught a glimpse of a bad angle of myself in the mirror. I stopped in place. Instant sadness took over. Usually that would cause a binge. It didn’t (thank God).. But it sure made me feel like shit. The only thing that kept me on track was repeating to myself that I need patience. This took a month to undo.. I’m not going to wake up one morning lean. Not going to happen. So I just have to understand (which I do) but I have to have faith that I can keep straight. Here I am trying to help others and I am having the hardest time trying to help myself. Even driving  home yesterday, I realized I literally make myself unhappy.. But for what? What am I getting out of feeling like this? No one knows the pain I feel inside but me.. So it’s not pity or sympathy… Do I just like to cry? Feel sorry for myself?

What. The. Fuck?

I’m unhappy. And I’m bringing people down with me and it disgusts me. This is not the Marissa show here and I’m living like it is.

With that being said, I don’t think I can have a relationship anymore. I thought I was ready.
Far from it.

I don’t want to push anyone out of my life but I need to focus on building a healthy relationship with myself and God first. The two things I should be focusing on, seem to be missing from the to do list entirely.

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7 thoughts on “I don’t know what’s going on here.

  1. JWo says:

    Oh wow… Marissa, you are way too hard on yourself. But I know my words don’t mean anything if you don’t feel good on the inside.

    I know from personal experience that you have to feel good on the inside or you will be miserable.

    You have been an amazing inspiration (and help) to me and I hate to think of you feeling bad about yourself. You are one of the hardest working people I know (kinda) and I’m constantly impressed by your dedication.

    Do what you feel you need to do to get right and hang in there. We’ll all be praying for you.

    • Marissa says:

      😦 I know I am. It’s one of my weaknesses. One day at a time. At least I realize it right?

      and once again I appreciate the feedback/comments. Thank you for the prayers and I will keep your step father in mine. I sent over the workout for you. Let me know if any of its confusing or what not.

  2. I agree about building your relationship with God. Hopefully you can see what He sees (a beautiful woman of God). His heart breaks to see you hurting. I definitely can’t say I know exactly what you’re going through, but I have been in that place where I felt like no one was able to understand why I think or feel certain things.
    I’m so so so glad that you did not decide to binge and that you reminded yourself of having patience through this process.
    I will continue praying for you, Marissa.

    • Marissa says:

      You literally have me in tears. Thank you SO SO much for the constant support. Every time I post something I smile every time you leave a comment or like it. Thank you again. I appreciate it so very much .

  3. akemmer47 says:

    Marissa I literally feel like were the same person… I feel like I’m going mental. Training for a competition really messed me up in the head

    • Marissa says:

      aweeee baby girlll!!!! :(:(:( Honestly I should of prepared myself knowing that this is my 3rd comp Ive trained for… you look great still… whats going on??

  4. María Isabel says:

    I think we are Twins but in separate places lol. Common… Go to your email and see how you are helped me. I mean go and read THE WONDERFUL ADVICES YOU GAVE ME. You know how IM FEELING I think no one else know about that and we are in the same place about feelings (even I have a boyfriend but sometimes I messed up everything bc my feelings) but guess what? I knew an incredible little person by IG who always say to me that I need to be patient and that I will reach my goal. That every body is different and that I HAVE TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF. You already know who is right? Well… Little person LEGGOOOO!!! Im with you on this.. We have to keep on track and go out to eat the world lol. We gonna shine just BELIEVE in yourself you are a beautiful person and you dont need to feel that way. I have a challenge for you… Less mirror.. More focussed.. You dont need to binge to feel pretty you are beautiful already you will cheat If you ready need it… So.. Lets put a smile in that face 🙂

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