I caught a glimpse of a bad angle of myself in the mirror. I stopped in place. Instant sadness took over. Usually that would cause a binge. It didn’t (thank God).. But it sure made me feel like shit. The only thing that kept me on track was repeating to myself that I need patience. This took a month to undo.. I’m not going to wake up one morning lean. Not going to happen. So I just have to understand (which I do) but I have to have faith that I can keep straight. Here I am trying to help others and I am having the hardest time trying to help myself. Even driving home yesterday, I realized I literally make myself unhappy.. But for what? What am I getting out of feeling like this? No one knows the pain I feel inside but me.. So it’s not pity or sympathy… Do I just like to cry? Feel sorry for myself?
What. The. Fuck?
I’m unhappy. And I’m bringing people down with me and it disgusts me. This is not the Marissa show here and I’m living like it is.
With that being said, I don’t think I can have a relationship anymore. I thought I was ready.
Far from it.
I don’t want to push anyone out of my life but I need to focus on building a healthy relationship with myself and God first. The two things I should be focusing on, seem to be missing from the to do list entirely.