Oh, the feeling of feeling sore..

..haven’t felt this in awhile because like I always write about, I am still on my way to finding a balance between my “normal” life and my obsessive relationship with body image. Where instead of worrying about not getting a work out in and enjoying the time in which that time was spent.  It’s hard, and being in a new relationship is even harder. I have been splitting what free time I do have with him and the gym (.. I did take a few weeks off prior to this post but that’s besides the point). The only thing that is hard about this is that I am giving up being happy with myself, for being happy with him. He makes me feel comfortable. He makes me feel okay about the fact that I don’t have my bikini body 24/7. On the flip side, it doesn’t take away how I truly feel inside..  but this give and take thing is sort of wonderful… now if I can only get to love myself a few pounds heavier.

It’s a far fetched “dream” coming from a 23 yr old whose suffered from eating disorders ever since she could remember. However, there is nothing wrong with being in shape. Absolutely nothing. The only problem I see is with how obsessive I get and how I beat myself up if I’m not “up to par” with how I should.. or feel like I should look like. Now.. with that being said, whose fault is it that I am not in as great of shape as I’d like?

This girls.

Fuck. Seriously just fuck. I have no explanation. I have excuses.. that’s for damn sure, but no REASONABLE explanation as to how this makes any sense. I choose what I put into my body. I choose whether or not I am going to the gym, going to finish cardio…

I am my own worse enemy.

..even as I write this, I feel ashamed. Now I have clearly pinpointed the problem, understand the consequences, yet continue to do nothing about it.

Not this time.

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7 thoughts on “50/50

  1. jlgentry says:

    I love the feeling of sore muscles after a good workout. Sometimes working out is a reward in itself, regardless of whether it gets me closer to some goal or not. You’ll find your balance, of that I am sure. Don’t be hard on yourself for trying to figure it out. Hell, I’m still confused about what I want to do and how I’m going to get there, so don’t think it ever stops. It kind of lets me enjoy the moments, like the spent feeling after a long run, where I’m not so confused. And yes, I could lose 3-4 lbs but I don’t give a shit right now! I’m liking the beer with dinner at the end of a long work day.

    • Marissa says:

      I always appreciate your comments. Still trying to get into running but I’m afraid of losing my ass.. however when I search about it they say its 50/50 lol

      • jlgentry says:

        The ass is one of the major muscles used in running. Especially climbing. You want an ass so tight you can bounce a quarter off it, then do hill repeats or stadium steps once a week. Cycling is the other best ass builder. Walking does nothing for your buns. I am a wealth of knowlege about nice asses – on women 🙂

      • Marissa says:

        AHHHHH cycling last night.. I forgot how much I actually loved it.. and having my ass and legs sore you really feel where its working!

      • jlgentry says:

        I love how my ass and quads feel after a bike ride. Running will put the shape on your calves like nothing else, too. Frankly, I just like exercise that requires movement. Fits my ADD personality!

  2. I understand that feeling of guilt and shame when I go overboard (or even when I don’t but I still feel like I totally screwed up a “good-eating day”). Having gone through anorexia and bulimia, I have a weird relationship with food now… everything being labeled as good or bad. But a little after I came out of the major eating disorders into disorderly eating, I started going out with my boyfriend. He was patient and encouraging and made me feel good about myself. Now it’s almost 6 years later and even though I deal with some thoughts in my head, my body is recovered and healthy.. and my boyfriend is continuing to be my biggest support.

    • Marissa says:

      I feel you 100%.. at one point I even labeled carrots as a bad food.. FREAKIN carrots!!!!!! Now I am relearning and actually enjoying the healthy raw foods and all of them too.. as long as I dont “binge” or say “fuck it” (haven’t binged in awhile but I say fuck it a lot lol especially with a new boyfriend).. I’ll be fine.. my boyfriend is supportive again new so its different for him to deal with but hes dealing with it 😉 Congrats on having 6 years under your belt.. I want that so bad :/

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