And you wonder why I attempt to leave before I am left..

Shits SO much easier, even knowing that were done for good. Someone that I truly loved broke up with me and I am okay. Not in break down mood not even crying. Perfectly fine.

I think the reason is because after he went behind my back the last time I lost complete trust. Instead of giving up I wanted to try with him. Ever since that happened my insecure self was even more insecure. In the back of my head I was constantly thinking of his 5 year relationship with his ex. I always knew he wasn’t over her from the geico but he told me over and over that he was.

I had no choice but to believe you.

Once the I miss yous where found however, trust was lost real quick. I tried to not give a shit but I care about my heart… Because when it hurts, it hurts bad..

Long story short, after I attempted to Break Up with him maybe a week
Ago.. Everything went wrong.. Knew something wasn’t right and needed to end it. Someone who loves another person tries to solve the problem (should be solved before its even a problem) but deep down I knew he was guilty of something when he finally got ahold of me. It’s like he knew something he was doing was wrong and when I came on strong but didn’t explain why, he shut his mouth.
No use in bringing something up if I didn’t already know About.. This is what we call selfish ladies and gentleman.

Fast forward to two nights ago…

Ever since the attempt to break up and slowing “pretending” nothing happened at work the next day, I really just wanted to show that I truly wanted to be with him and that I would wisen up a bit. At that point I KNEW I wanted to put my faith and trust in him again, that I was going to wipe the slate clean and give him the happiness we had when we first got together..

However that was ended short. We went out that night.. Everything seemed pretty cool.. I knew he was “off” a bit but I couldn’t think anything more into it.. I knew what had just transpired the nights before and I couldn’t add any more pressure onto the situation. I KNEW that..

Well the night ended and he stayed over we had sex till sometime in the morning then he fucked me before he left. Hours later I get a Fb message from His ex Gf saying Karmas a bitch and he wants nothing to do with me.. Blahblahblah enter in some Stuff about being a whore and yadda ya.. Well I immediately texted him asking if he wants my trust to just answer this question truthfully. Asked him, If he and Lisa were speaking again. He admitted it, and just then I knew it had to be over
For good.

I don’t need this. I have my flaws and was slowly getting better but what just happened, NO one deserves. Especially someone you say that you’re in love with.. Or used the night before..

The worst part about this is that I am being accused of something I know
Nothing about. Everything I was involved with I told him.. But no way was I going to try to defend myself especially via text. Its not worth it.

It will never be okay again. You betrayed me yet AGAIN. You went back and started talking to your ex again for god only knows why (if you wanted to be with her.. Should of been been with her.. Not me.. Makes sense much?) , finding out I said ONE thing, her coming back and accusing me of some BS and have the nerve to come up with a far fetched rumor about how I made a fake Fb to send her pictures..  (just for the record.. If I wanted to do something relevant I would of just stole her number out of your recent messages list and sent her pictures myself. Btw I’d LOVEEE to see these pictures I’ve been sending via a fake Fb..Mike you should KNOW me better than this)..

…I don’t know what hurts more whether it’s being attacked about something I am not  involved in or my bf going behind my back, for the 3rd time, to his ex again and taking her side?

It just all hurts.

I just find it really classless that after all we’ve been through and even how I was there for you when she broke your heart, that you have the nerve to break my heart the exact same way…

On a better note.. I’m sure everyone is aware that I am an emotional motherfucker.. But MINUTES after this whole thing went down, I headed to the gym for my second round of cardio. Usually I’d be crying myself to sleep or binging on some bullshit but I KILLED it at the gym. I am SO ready to give this my all.

As much as I did love being with him I took so much time and energy into him then into myself trying to find my way in life. I just enjoyed (ALL of) the time with him and would put that time towards hanging out and not towards improving my fitness goals.

But in the end I knew this had to happen as much as I didn’t want it to. He’s a Good guy that’s confused as fuck who didn’t mind sticking his dick where it shouldn’t of belonged. No I don’t mean you cheated on me.. But how long we’re u going to fuck me.. TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.. Before you were going to tell me you “wanted nothing to do with?”

Im not mad I’m disappointed. Another guy that I thought would NEVER do this to me, did (losing someone you love over something immature says more about him then he does me). I can’t put myself out there anymore. All the time I have is going to focus on me. Getting better feeling better looking better. I have goals and dreams and I feel like I’m on the edge of either really going far or sinking in my own self doubt.

I don’t need anyone.. I wanted him but as god is my witness, I don’t need you. And I don’t need the shit you just did to me.. NO one does. You had all night of rsd to talk to me about it… Or ask wtf was up or get my side of the story.. Because unlike her I don’t need to make up shit and would of told you the truth. You know me enter than that and know I’m not behind ANYTHING that has been said about me..  Instead you hide it and continue to talk to her.. All the while I’m laying on your chest after you just stuck your dick inside me.

Thanks for showing me your true colors before I invested anymore
time into someone less deserving. I apologize for the things I put you through, mostly because of your own actions, but because I know how easily hot headed I can be.. But just know I acted out like that because I was afraid of losing you and really did love you.

In some vain way, it’s all about me now.

P.s

Tell her to push the “unsubscribe” button next to my name and she won’t be getting “weekly updates” from me. Dumbass.

Sent from my iPhone

It’s okay..

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5 thoughts on “It’s okay..

  1. April says:

    girl, you don’t deserve ANY of this. keep on beastin! you are my hero for keeping your head up and not wasting your breath against someone who doesn’t listen. <33 *hugs*

  2. jlgentry says:

    My heart aches for you. You are strong and will overcome this and gain something from it. What I love most about where you are right now is that you took your anger/disappointment and channeled it into a workout – that is the act of a survivor. Don’t let up. Men are often confused by women with strength of personality. Hang in there – keep the focus on you.

    jlg

    • Marissa says:

      I get a joy out of reason your comments and once again I appreciate it. I’m def looking at the positives regarding this break up and using them to better myself. I wasn’t perfect and we had our flaws but I will not beat myself up over the choices hes been making or the final one he mad. This wasn’t about me this was about him.. But now it’s time to focus on the things around me that I choose and only have control of. I’ve been cycling the last three days and am in complete love with it.. Love how great it feels and how I KNOW my ass is being worked out haha thanks again for taking the time to comment.. Hope you’re doing well..

      • jlgentry says:

        Went out on an 8+ mile run today doing hills and laughed as they kicked my ass and I kicked back. That’s how I survive. I thought about your cycling while I was out there. Keep loving it. Cycling is so wonderful when you get into that rhythm. I’m probably sick, but I love running and riding hills. Thanks for the kind words. jlg

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