I am not taking care of myself. Plain and Simple.
I just ended a week of eating whatever and blatantly not going to the gym and I feel worthless. My boobs are huge (thanks fat, more importantly thanks birth control), but so is the rest of my body. I’m also pale..as fuck. Which makes me being fat even worse. Fuck. I hate it. No one to blame but who? Oh that’s right, me.
Ugh. I knew what I was doing and how I would feel when it was all over and yet it made no difference. I just hope that after tonight’s workout that I feel everything that I always felt being back in the gym. I NEED it. I know it will take about 2 weeks for me to get back on track..sucks, but at least I am aware.
Going back to the whole not taking care of myself, I don’t know what I am doing, ever. Day to day, my life.. so I suppose this is true. I know squat.
I need to get back to what I enjoyed doing. I need to do something that makes me feel whole, makes me feel like I am actually worth something. I had a going away dinner with the guys at a bar on Friday night and it ended pretty poorly. I got made fun of..again.. like I always do and I just couldn’t handle it. I swear this birth control has fucked me this passed month.. I am all over the place and I am hoping that I gain control soon (again, really putting my faith in God lately.. it’s the only thing I have), because I can’t handle this whole “worthless slob” shit that replays in my head because I am actually starting to believe it. Not sitting on the pity pot, just writing how I’ve been feeling.. Trust me, I’d rather not just sit here and complain but this is all I’ve been going thru for the last week and hopefully writing it down embarrasses me enough to actually do a damn thing about it.
Boyfriend and I are good.. really good actually. I am so in love with this pretty motherfucker it’s ridiculous. He just got a “promotion” here at work, hence the going away party for Eric, and I couldn’t be happier.. okay yes I could.. (babe.. I’m jealous. Even as I sit here this morning and I saw you helping Vitaly with the Audi.. I was thinking how disposable I am.. simple unappreciative and semi unimportant. I know you think differently and I think that’s because you love me, but after Friday nights comment.. its been eating me alive. I NEED to do what I love. I need to feel that I am worth something, that people actually give a shit about.. I hope I never take away any joy or passion that you have for this job. You are by far the most hard working passionate person I have ever laid my eyes on. You my love, will go so far in life and I believe it without a doubt).. I know it’s rude to be jealous but I envy it really. I envy being important.. useful.. actually given a shit about.
BUT WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO????
I need all of my faith right now.
“I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking, What if I had given everything instead of going through the motions?”
..and its true. I have so much inside of me that I just need a break. I need THAT break and let all my passion seep out.