because just ‘ok’ is not enough..

I am not taking care of myself. Plain and Simple.
I just ended a week of eating whatever and blatantly not going to the gym and I feel worthless. My boobs are huge (thanks fat, more importantly thanks birth control), but so is the rest of my body. I’m also pale..as fuck. Which makes me being fat even worse. Fuck. I hate it. No one to blame but who? Oh that’s right, me.

Ugh. I knew what I was doing and how I would feel when it was all over and yet it made no difference. I just hope that after tonight’s workout that I feel everything that I always felt being back in the gym. I NEED it. I know it will take about 2 weeks for me to get back on track..sucks, but at least I am aware.

Going back to the whole not taking care of myself, I don’t know what I am doing, ever. Day to day, my life.. so I suppose this is true. I know squat.

I need to get back to what I enjoyed doing. I need to do something that makes me feel whole, makes me feel like I am actually worth something. I had a going away dinner with the guys at a bar on Friday night and it ended pretty poorly. I got made fun of..again.. like I always do and I just couldn’t handle it. I swear this birth control has fucked me this passed month.. I am all over the place and I am hoping that I gain control soon (again, really putting my faith in God lately.. it’s the only thing I have), because I can’t handle this whole “worthless slob” shit that replays in my head because I am actually starting to believe it. Not sitting on the pity pot, just writing how I’ve been feeling.. Trust me, I’d rather not just sit here and complain but this is all I’ve been going thru for the last week and hopefully writing it down embarrasses me enough to actually do a damn thing about it.

Boyfriend and I are good.. really good actually. I am so in love with this pretty motherfucker it’s ridiculous. He just got a “promotion” here at work, hence the going away party for Eric, and I couldn’t be happier.. okay yes I could.. (babe.. I’m jealous. Even as I sit here this morning and I saw you helping Vitaly with the Audi.. I was thinking how disposable I am.. simple unappreciative and semi unimportant. I know you think differently and I think that’s because you love me, but after Friday nights comment.. its been eating me alive. I NEED to do what I love. I need to feel that I am worth something, that people actually give a shit about.. I hope I never take away any joy or passion that you have for this job. You are by far the most hard working passionate person I have ever laid my eyes on. You my love, will go so far in life and I believe it without a doubt).. I know it’s rude to be jealous but I envy it really. I envy being important.. useful.. actually given a shit about.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO????

I need all of my faith right now.

“I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking, What if I had given everything instead of going through the motions?”

..and its true. I have so much inside of me that I just need a break. I need THAT break and let all my passion seep out. :/

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9 thoughts on “because just ‘ok’ is not enough..

  1. martha84 says:

    Oh mar :/
    Get your head outta your butt and start feeling better. You of all people know what you have to do to start feeling good again, and you know you are your own worst enemy when it comes to preventing good things in your life.
    I hope things start looking up soon. Do your thing, girl, and do it for you.

  2. Shauna says:

    I love this quote: “You’ll brush yourself off and try again several times today — proof that you’re living to the limit, the way you always aspire to. Failure isn’t falling down: it’s staying down.” I had to accept that in order to get where I wanted to be, I had to accept my flaws in every aspect too. And it always came down to putting in the work, no matter what my mind told me. Cut yourself some slack, you’re human. But the body will do, only what the mind tells it to. You have all the power inside of you to accomplish anything, you just have to see that.

  3. Shane says:

    I feel like I’m watching a lifetime movie when I read these posts :p but more seriously you just have to keep your head up girl. Shit gets rough..and you have weeks, sometimes days, that are just shittier than others. Like the other people said its just about getting back up. And you have this blog to vent on, you have your family to talk to, your bf..shit I mean you’re more than welcome to hit me up if u ever just wanna bitch about your job lol Just keep your head up. You aren’t worthless 🙂

  4. Nico says:

    You are definitely an inspiration to many and I hope you never forget that. I didn’t realize that a change in my lifestyle (eating/working out habits) would be just what I needed and later could not live without until I saw your Instagram. I realized that I should work towards a more fit me but that it’s ok to have those rough days. You were definitely a reason why I decided to help myself because why should anyone settle for less, especially in themselves. I’m definitely going through what you wrote about above and I hate it. I feel like I’ve thrown away all that hard work in the summer by choosing to eat unhealthy and not keeping up like I should be. Ive been trying to change my mentality, to realize all this will be worth it in the end, that it isnt just a diet, but a lifestyle. What helps you get motre motivated and to keep going?

    • Marissa says:

      Hey sorry I never got back.. as you can see I haven’t really updated much. But let me tell you that what you said really put a smile on my face. I think I am a little too hard on myself and think that because I’m not “succeeding” that I can’t motivate other people. Now this blog was solely for me to try and better myself through writing, to see if I can really understand the things I do. I didn’t start this blog to motivate.. I actually didn’t think that anyone would read it.. now that they have, and do its a little intimidating lol.. hence my last post. However the feedback, like your own, has really made it clear that even my rough times helps others. It’s THOSE times that people can relate to.. I mean how hard is it to love being fit? lol.. sure as hell a lot easier than loving being fat, that’s for damn sure. Any who.. I have been in your situation numerous times.. more times than I would like to account for but its true… especially after my competitions, it just all goes to shit. I have looked in tip top shape and then months later I am back to square one if not worse. It sucks. but let me tell you that if you want it, you can have it. What gets me is that I KNOW how LONG it takes to get to where I want to be, so instead of starting right away to “get it over with” I procrastinate. LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Eating whatever I want, not working out, only to validate it by knowing that when I start, I wont stop till I am finished…. but I just have to start first lol. I don’t really know what motivates me other than WANTING to be fit as fuck, but I do know that when I see pictures of fit girls that it either goes well or not. There has been times where I have looked at someone and I know that I could be like that if I just tried… if I just got off my ass, but it actually has had the opposite effect, like. fuck. I’m fat. It just all boils down to how bad you want it. You know it is going to take work and that’s it. It’s HARD WORK though, and I know that. “dieting” sucks.. cardio sucks.. but in the end it really IS worth it. I hate feeling fat, looking fat, being fat. If anyone on the street where to look at me, no they wouldn’t call me fat but its not about that, I truly feel disgusted with myself. When all said and done, I’d rather eat chicken and broccoli and wake up early for cardio for a few months then not be able to look in the mirror because I can’t stand to look at the person starring back.

      Sorry I know that was long.. but honestly keep going. Just know that after all this hard work WILL pay off and you WILL be happy. Everyone has their good and bad days but don’t give up. You may feel like you have to “start over” but so what? This isn’t a race, it truly is a lifestyle.

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