Motivational Monday eh? Seems about right. Had a shit show of a weekend again resulting in me getting arrested for the 2nd time in the last 3 months. I won’t go into detail about the way the Rosemont police department treated my boyfriend and I only because I have court Dec 13 and will explain from start to finish when I hear the verdict of our court case. My voice WILL be heard.
Any who I want to keep this post simple and to the point. I had a lovely lady text me needing motivation to get back in the gym. At which point I sent a sexy girl on stage just trying to make her laugh when she went further into detail. She explained that she gained a lot of weight and its hard to get back in the gym because its embarrassing. And its true, its such a horrible feeling to have to leave in the middle of a workout because I feel worthless unmotivated, like I’m getting no where. The thing is, is I was getting somewhere. It doesn’t take a day, wont even take a month but as long as you know that every day you are a day closer to feeling better about yourself, you need to hang on.
I have left mid leg press. Tears streaming down my face not giving a FUCK who saw and just walking out because I was so overwhelmed. Finishing 15 minutes of cardio and thinking I am wasting my time. Binging and not working out because of it. I’ve been through all of it and still to this day knowing what needs to be done in order for me to be happy, keeps me going. We all start somewhere, you just have to. It’s going to be hard, its going to suck you’re going to be tired and cranky most likely hungry, but in the end I rather be tired because of two a days at the gym then spending hours upon hours hating myself, hating the person I let myself become.
It sucks to have to write this. I tend to be the one that motivates others and its hard to help when I have been living in self doubt for awhile now. Its like listen to what I say because it will help, but I can’t seem to help myself right now. But I have been, for the last few days maybe even the last 2 weeks I have been putting a lot more effort into myself because it just got unbearable. The only thing I can say is that I hope everyone kicks their own ass and sticks with eating healthy and working out because once you let yourself slip into your old habits its hard to kick them. You get feelings that are beyond describable to where you just want to curl up in bed under the covers and sleep the day away. Ive had many days like this. Ive had days where my attitude changes in the blink of an eye because of my weight. I have skipped going out and enjoying life and friends and a good time all because my clothes didn’t fit right or I’m bloated from drinking a diet coke. My life hasn’t been easy. I’ve dealt with everything from anorexic bulimia and binge eating.I can pick myself apart better than anyone out there, living a life of self worthlessness but I know what I am capable of. and just because I am unhappy with myself right now doesn’t mean I am giving up. I’m ready to work hard.. I’m ready to give it my all. I want to be happy because I achieved something not wallow in my own self pity, but you know what that involves? The first step.