I’m insecure as fuck and it’s messing with my head. For some reason, I am potentially jeopardizing my relationship with Mike because of this.
Now let me begin. We haven’t had the easiest relationship and he’s slipped up a bit, regardless I’m still standing by his side. However.. it’s become rather difficult.. I feel any beautiful woman who walks down the street is going to catch my boyfriends attention and it’s all down hill from there (told you I was insecure). I’m scared of him moving jobs so I can’t “monitor” him 40 hours of the week. Now that sounds horrible however it’s kinda the truth (though I did just make myself look like the worlds worst girlfriend, I promise I’m not!) . 3 out of the 4 fights we have had have been saved because we work together (we are/were spoiled) meaning, I don’t doubt that had we worked separately we wouldn’t be together today. But we are..
&& he is by far the best boyfriend I have ever had. He’s the one I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. We joke about it but it’s true.. I want to start a family with him and watch it grow with endless amounts of love.. He is so special that I think this is why I’m having a hard time.. Why I’m having anxiety about our relationship in the next coming of months.. I’m scared. Truth be told I’m scared out my damn mind. But things DO change and I need to mentally prepare myself for this.. I get so worked up because I know how it is from a girls perspective.. No one cares anymore.. I’m in love and I’m pretty sure someone greedy enough to try to come in between that IS in fact possible.. But it takes two to tango doesn’t it? That’s what I need to remember because not only does he tells me everyday how beautiful I am and how he wants to grow old with me, but how I am a “catch” (never been told that) and how he doesn’t want or need anyone else.. Now that may sound all goody gum drop to one, but sometimes actions speak louder than words..
But regardless when I get my body back and my tan on and my nails did and whatever else I think I need to do in order to be “happy”, it still won’t change that life doesn’t go as planned. I can’t change if my boyfriend leaves me, I can’t ponder on the what ifs because that’s a waste of time.. And it’s time that I’m not guaranteed to have. All I know is that my insecurities are affecting my relationship right now but so very blessed that he is at least trying to help and work on them with me.. That’s what I have to be thankful for, not the what ifs and the negative bullshit that’s been clouding my mind for days now. I have to focus on me and growing as a person, not grow to be dependent on anyone but myself, but to really cherish the good times I have with people.
Whatever happens next is going to happen regardless of what I want.. I have to grasp the concept of everything turning out okay in the end. I really truly believe that.