Monday 1/83

So yesterday marked the first day of my contest prep, and let me tell you I was a little disappointed.

Slept at the boyfriends on Sunday so it gave me almost an entire hour of extra sleep (I live far from work), so that was nice. Ultimately went about my day as usual as any other. I didn’t eat as much as I would of liked (for some reason my appetite hasn’t been “normal” lately. Going on 2 weeks of being sick), but was still able to consume enough calories to work out.

3 cuttie oranges (idc about fruit sugar this early in prep)
1/2 quest bar
2 chicken breasts with broccoli
1 piece of WW bread with PB
1/2-1c cottage cheese

I got home around 6 and relaxed a bit for an hour and 1/2. Well.. before I got dressed to head out my boyfriend called and said he was going to a bar. Then my friend “forgot” to call me back (when all I wanted to do was just talk to her. I get in weird moods and we play phone tag sometimes but for some reason I just wanted someone to talk to). Checks in @ Xsport with her friend, then at Buffalo Wild Wings with another and apologizes she didn’t call. Well for some reason all this kind of irked me.

Regardless, I headed to the gym and arrived around 7:45pm. I started doing my thing and I could feel my emotions arise. This wasn’t good, but I wasn’t stopping. Instead I started getting more pissed. Pissed at the situations, then pissed at myself for not pushing thru. Well I “gave up” around 8:10.. I just threw in the towel. I walked my sorry ass upstairs to the cardio section and hopped on the treadmill. I finished 45 minutes but that was the end of that work out.

I headed home, ate my meal and got in bed in time for the new Catfish show around 10pm. I was disappointed but at least got something in, even if it wasn’t how I expected my first work out back in 2 weeks.

Laying in bed creeping facebook and instagram, my boyfriend tried calling a couple times, as did Ashley. I ignored both and just wanted to be “alone”. I ended up calling my boyfriend back (and texting Ashley), because as much as I was in my own world I love him dearly. We talked a bit and he wanted me to talk things out with him but the last thing I wanted to do was go back to the reasons I was upset.

That lasted shortly. Something else came up that sparked my insecurities and I just balled. He then continued to tell me how much he loves and adores me but the tears kept falling.

Listen, me telling you I am insecure as fuck doesn’t even scratch the surface. Yes, he has done some things that haven’t made it easy but most of those things wouldn’t of been a problem had I been secure. I just cried. I told him I don’t know if things are going to change, if I am going to change but I know I can’t live like this. It hurts so much, and again… doing this to myself.

HE LOVES ME. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM!??!?!??!?!?! I have never been with someone like him, someone who doesn’t mind reminding me why they love me or how much they love me. When it all comes down to it, it’s me.

..and I don’t know what to do, or if there is anything I can do. Will I be like this forever? All I know is that I love this man so much. So much that any attention he puts out to another human, I am envious of. It’s sick and I am embarrassed.

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5 thoughts on “Monday 1/83

  1. Diane says:

    Trust has been broken somewhere not necessarily with him…. I know it’s hard too believe that someone is so wonderful or such a great friend that they can’t possibly just only want me? Or just is my friend for me and can be here just for me good and bad because so many other people have dicked around with me and my feelings and trust. This is just a general question… When was the last time you did something for you? For example I would get my nails done but I was doing it cause I think my hands look like a old lady and i dont want anyone looking at them. mot forme thats for others? lol I’m talking about something you do where you can say Ahhhh this is relaxing or enjoyable that is just for me! Be selfish for a couple hours. I promise you you will feel so much better. You know he loves you… You know you love him just tweak that focus for a minute to you what you give him and everyone else to just Mrs. You let me know how it goes if you try it

    • Marissa says:

      thank you for leaving a comment Diane and I really appreciated this one.. I have been thinking about doing something for me a lot lately.. trying to get my mind off everything. I live far from work my boyfriend and friends in general so its kind of hard to get out however I do have my gym.. and that takes up a lot of my time. I have been thinking about getting a massage I think that would really put my mind at ease for an hour or two. I will def let you know how it goes 😉

      Thanks again!

    • Marissa says:

      thank you for leaving a comment Diane and I really appreciated this one.. I have been thinking about doing something for me a lot lately.. trying to get my mind off everything. I live far from work my boyfriend and friends in general so its kind of hard to get out however I do have my gym.. and that takes up a lot of my time. I have been thinking about getting a massage I think that would really put my mind at ease for an hour or two. I will def let you know how it goes 😉

      Thanks again!

  2. As always, I love how honest and vulnerable you are with us, your readers. It is funny how people can tell you all the time that you have no reason to be insecure because you’re beautiful and a lovely person… yet something inside just won’t let you feel secure. You’re beautiful, girl! Also, hope you have another workout that makes you feel awesome as you step out of the gym (I’ve had those blah gym sessions, too… it kinda sucks).

    • Marissa says:

      I think I have just been in really shitty relationships so I know looks have nothing to do with it when someone wants to leave you. I am def struggling but he has been a really big support. Most guys would get sick of it and WANT to leave.. he fights for me and doesnt let a day go by without telling me how much he loves me.. god bless him..

      working out again tonight. HOPEFULLY everything goes well ❤ Have a good rest of the day sweetheart, thanks for the comment.

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