Monday 36/83 (2/11)

I totally jinxed myself.

Saturday I went off my rocker. No, I jumped off that bitch.

Oh not following me? I “binged”. Not to the extent of which I have before but definitely consumed a shit load of calories thanks to none other than myself. All I did was sleep and eat chocolate and I would give it all back than have to endure the stomach pains all day sunday. After 2 hour increments of going to the bathroom, I woke up with a 4 month prego food baby looking stomach. I couldn’t even function right. I went to a couple of stores with my mom and had to leave early because the stomach pains just didn’t want to go away. So when I got home I chugged pepto and tried drinking some water. Nothing really helped except a heating pad for about 30 minutes.

I am so dumb. Literally a fucking idiot. Yes, I tell my clients not to worry and not to be upset after a binge or even a legit cheat meal but now I see how it’s so easily said then done. I feel worthless. I already have my doubts about this contest and I just threw it away for a day. Yes a day, so yes I sound like an idiot but I also feel like one. I have yet to do this the entire prep but it’s still no excuse. I have about 6.5 weeks left and here I go doing the destructive things I have done in the past. But it ends here. Maybe I just needed that, maybe it will work out for me in the end. I technically didn’t have a cheat meal last week so … a possible validation? Lol.. no.

That’s what you call an excuse ladies and gentleman!

But I am over it.

Planned my next couple of weeks which will be harder but I really want to start leaning out now. Hopefully my little abs want to make an appearance some time in the near future 🙂

So, even after my baby food drama the boyfriend and I went to sushi. LOL. Hmmm… rice when already bloated? Whatever, it is what it is. We did finish off some fried ice cream because apparently I am just a born fat ass at heart. No lie. We ended up just getting a movie and relaxing the rest of the night (aka I passed out).

Things are starting to get a little nerve-racking lately. By the end of the week things will have drastically changed (for the better, I hope) and change is hard to deal with at times. He (the bf) did mention how maybe all of this will make us work harder into moving in together and how he doesn’t feel any of this will change us. It is always nice to have a little reassurance..  so I am starting not to worry about us that much any more. I just can’t waste time on the unknown. I must have faith that we will be okay at the end of the day, because as much as I preach, everything will be okay in the end. Everything IS done for a reason, and anything meant to be will find a way. All I do know is that I love this man very much and frankly, that’s all that matters.

For now, I want to focus on myself. Get MY shit together and have everything else fall into place.

I have faith.

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2 thoughts on “Monday 36/83 (2/11)

  1. michelle kim says:

    I always appreciate your honesty. I also had a bit of an over-eating session over the weekend. Even if I would tell my friends that they shouldn’t beat themselves over things like over-eating, I always give myself a tough time. It SUCKS to feel that way (the whole bloated stomach/food baby thing), but as you said, “it is what it is” and as long as you move on to better things, it’ll be a thing of the past. Hopefully.

    • Marissa says:

      I think “binging” will always be a part of life.. or my life rather.. I mean… maybe not to the extent of its definition but with how “strict” I am in regards to food I think I would beat myself up over anything nowadays. I mean.. Ive BINGED before..THOUSANDS of calories.. and not just a one time thing Ive binged numerous times… and its always a vicious cycle. I hate myself, then dont work out because Im too bloated or well.. I hate myself, then I realize I hate myself even more so I keep eating.. maybe or a hour or a day, or even a week.. then I get so sick.. not even physically but mentally and emotionally that I just stop and pretend nothing happened till I look in the mirror. Why the FUCK does having a body your proud of take so much effort.. so much emotion and turmoil. I just don’t get it. What I do get is that this is something that I am going to have to work on for the rest of my life. I already know I am unhappy being fat.. (I dont go out, I dont even get out of bed) so everyday I have to work on bettering myself.. its hard work.. but I rather be sore tired and cranky then locking myself in my room depressed. :/ We just need to find the balance in each of our lives. Eating shitty food IS okay.. yes our bodies may not like it but hey.. its life. We enjoy fattening foods, sugar highs and calories in mass quantities… but is that what we really want? Maybe at the time.. but in the long run we are slowly ruining our confidence.. Hang in there girlie enjoy life but stay afloat!

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