Monthly Archives: March 2013

This ones long and probably doesn’t make any sense.

Working weekends actually doesn’t suck. The gym is empty and has a little more calmness about it. I snuck a work out in because I had a couple cancellations and happen to discover a new fling I got going on. It’s called the row machine. Most cross fitters ears would perk and although I have always known what it is, it wasn’t until recently that I began to enjoy it. I did it two days ago for 5 minutes, but a GOOD 5 minutes. I want to condition myself to be able to beat my times and move forward. I started taking pictures of the screen just to really capture my progress and I think, if I am not mistaken, I beat my first time rowing. I think I was struggling to hit 1000m and just fell short, but today I hit 1000m with seconds to spare. I really muscled up the last 45 seconds thinking I just wanted to get close, but the momentum I kept really pushed me forward. I loved it to say the least.

I say this because doing cardio can get kind of boring. I’m sure all of us would agree except the ocassional one who just loves not even just fitness, just pain. I mean from a normal beings point of view, working out sucks. It’s the results that are rewarding and worth the entire process, I promise you. It is about dedication and the will to want. The want is whatever you make it to be. Whatever you want want to be to be, it is. So the only question left, is how bad do you want it? Some say they want it, I mean who wouldn’t? But this is a huge deal. This is what we have been doing, on a day to day basis, for months if not years or even decades. Now all of a sudden things change? What if in other aspects of ones life, things are falling apart. Weight gain being a syomptom .. a reason.. an excuse.. an unhealthy reason to cope? I just know that working out is one of those things that if you don’t go all in, any excuse will be used in order for one not to work out. I am telling you this from someone who went from failing gym class, to becoming a personal trainer. If people just knew that if they dedicated lets just say, 8 weeks to changing their lives that after those 8 weeks when done correctly, they will feel like different people. They will begin to live different lives. Work outs are going to suck, being sore sucks, food options get repetitive if lazy like say me, but still don’t suck.. but you ll have more energy. You will all around feel better. You’ll sleep better. You’ll smile more in the mirror. You’ll catch yourself checking yourself out too. Your walk will be different. Youll probably still be smiling. Your confidence will just glow. It really is just one of those things. Literally.. life changing.

Wow. Do I go off into another world. Cardio. Cardio sucks. Well doesn’t suck but what is something that is boring that doesn’t also suck? Exactly. But being creative is the opposite of boring.. so switch it up from time to time..  Plyometrics: Jump squats and lunges, burpees are interchangeable and always a good time 😉 This gets your heart rate up,just like it would during a treadmill or elliptical work out. Box jumps are always fun too. Oh and swimming. Yes swimming. I talk to a lot of older females and they love that LAF has a swimming pool. Not many people do because it is sort of a hassle and well winter sucks too. But this is also a great cardio idea.

Stairs suck too. They do. Especially if you do it the right way, and you don’t hold on to the railings. But they yield I think, as well as the cycle bikes, the best results and the more “bang for your buck”.  I think I found my new thing though. The whole rowing this is kind of interesting. I mean I really pull like they would in the water. It hurts a little more, but I also think its because its the right way to do it lol. Not even just that though, I can always be improving. Time, and meters being counted but I could only do that for 5 minutes. I mean well yeah if I took a minute or two break I could bust out a little more but that was enough. Ive recently done upper body my muscles fatigued so desperately… lol. fuck fine I was just being a pansy and didn’t want to work out that intensely. Can’t wait for more though..

Knocked out a few more things and sat around for another appointment. I knew it was going to be a no show because I couldn’t confirm it. No big deal. Richard came in to see me, gave me this book back that I had been asked about via my boss. He’ll come in a little later stating he was still interested. But like I told you, lifes other stresses need to be addressed first as well because any stress will make that stress, stressful. 🙂 lol. I don’t know but other issues that are in ones life need to be either in order or acceptable to change because it could only cause more. That client didn’t show, so I sat around for a few waiting for nave to come back just to discuss tomorrows plan of attack.

Heres the thing. The main reason why I even wrote this post, was to talk about this and well I just go off on tangents like I am right now…

We all know I am insecure right? K. Now I think there are many things that have happened in my life and continue to happen in my life, that doesn’t make dealing with them any easier. Outside of any daddy issues I may have, not having a father (in contact and its legit), I think actually worked out in my favor. I used it to grow up faster. Add in an alcoholic mother and youre really in a for a treat (5 years sober and my best friend). But my work environments haven’t helped neither. Guys do the looking and talking, girls are gawked at and spoken about. So growing up as a girl, pretty or not you are treated differently. Maybe its the whole women’s rights clearing the fog or the male species are distasteful enough to still claim dominance but we all have strengths and weaknesses and life plays them all. Don’t we all know that by now? Another tangent. My apologies.

Going back to the work place. I have worked at restaurants but mostly started my “career” in a gym for 5 years as a personal trainer. I then left (FORAFUCKINGMANNEVERAGAIN), and worked at an all male body shop for 2 years. Literally being the only female, to now another gym. Where it ranges from trainers messing around with clients, to judging head to toe any female that crosses paths, to yet the best one, even looking up hookers for your boss. What the fuck is right. No need to elaborate lets just keep going.. now I have been cheated on and lied to and played a fool. I have heard and I have seen. Add all of that together with my own deep insecurities regarding my appearance and what would you assume?

You would be correct. A fucking nut case. Enter me. Hi I am Marissa and I think guys are scumbags.

Had to clear that up, you know a little background info on why I have trust issues. Why I don’t think I will ever be good enough. Why I am so scared of a life with temptations.

Dude sits next to me and walks around for a bit. My face is always buried in my phone so I could care less. I did hear him mention something about youre making me jealous, but once again face, phone, you get it. Well apparently he was having a whole conversation with me and I was ignoring the entire thing till I felt that sense of someone watching you. I look over and he says something about having a high school crush (bigger dude, way older than me, wife and I think kids but only sure about the wife). I said who me? and just laughed (remember I am still new here..) and got up to put my bag away. I sat back down, picked up my phone and he came over, while C was there and said something about marrying him. C messed around and told him to watch his back (C is like a 18 yr old kid.. like my little brother lol) but dude hit em and he sat down laughing. He goes on to say how he wants marry me and take me to Hawaii. I said no when he mentioned getting married but when asked about Hawaii I joking said yeah lets all go right now (dude I am legit awkward as fuck). Laughing he walked back over and said seriously would you go? I quickly responded with no and he starting laughing some more about how I’m playin. Says how I need to be treated right (all coworkers know that I am in a committed relationship). That there are plenty of people here that would/ want/ will. Asked me if I am satisfied in my relationship and I said with out a doubt hes the love of my life. “well you can still love him and have something on the side”. No joke. Legit. Verbatim. You want to talk tangents here, well let me tell you. I go off and off and off about how this is why I think guys are scumbags. How I dont understand how people can do that to one another. He follows with if I actually think that my boy is faithful. Didn’t say faithful, yet blatantly asked if I thought my dude wasn’t fucking other females. It just gets me thinking.. Of course I nodded my head yes because I do trust him to know right and wrong, but here a guy is crossing boundaries. Not even with me, but the fact that he has a wife and is telling me these things. Or when guys ask day to day if I am single yet. Or what he doesn’t know what hurt him. Or get asked out when they know I already have someone or worse that THEY already have someone. It puts alot of doubt in my mind. Why is staying faithful such a chore? I get people fall in and out of love, I really do. A sense of compassion will always lie, but I don’t love some people that I have before.. but by no means have I intentionally hurt someone. Am I just a big fucking cry baby? When I found out I was cheated on a few years back it was devastating. Each one was. Yes, several guys have cheated on me. No I am not really taking it to heart, mostly because I probably shouldn’t have one any more.

lol.

Instead after most likely a few binges and sleepless nights later, I got over them and was able to “love again”. Shitty relationship after shitty relationship.. I started to believe I was better off single. However, being single you truly feel like a piece of meat. I knew what I was getting myself into. I know what this world is about. Regardless if I was pretty or not, lifes one big massive mating pool and anything was bound to happen. I mean look at the shit I go thru when I HAVE a boyfriend. You just start feeling used and disrespected. Some girls like the attention of when they walk by they know someone is saying something, that someone is looking. But news flash, guys look at everyone.. you just may get a couple more minutes than the lady in front of you. It pretty much boils down to knowing how guys really are.. deep down.. that there is this thing.. about females that no matter how dominant of a species they think they are, will always bow down to pussy (sorry). Insert temptation.

Now it sucks because I am dealing with all this shit and literally go back and forth with myself all day. Do you know that even all the above comments and or possibly pick up lines that as much as I get hit on that I am deeply insecure with how my boyfriend is around females. Isn’t that strange? If you answered yes you weren’t paying attention and reread the previous 2 paragraphs. It;s because I know how guys are. Girls yes have same humanely tendencies like people watching and noticing a “good looking” male. I get that and trust me I understand that. But I think more often than not males fall victim first to deviance. Now this is my problem.. I keep generalizing. It shouldn’t matter what all the other boys do, it just matters what mine does right? Well yes, but after having a rocky start to a relationship, just makes you want to pull your hair out.

I have to stop writing. I have so many red underlined words that the more I write the more I see. I just cant type fast enough then lose my thought and its lost forever. I don’t even think I fully explain stories. I just want a faithful relationship, a good healthy committed relationship. I feel like I am asking for so much. Now babe if you are reading this I am not just targeting our relationship because I know that you are with me because you love me and that’s all there is to say. What I am getting at is I don’t think people know what they want or that’s what it comes down to. Do they want to settle? Or do they want to play games? Lie, cheat, completely destroy someones heart? It’s not fair and I wish people spoke up about what they wanted. Being upfront and honest will get you a lot further in life. So maybe this is to all the boys out there specifically the ones in my life who like to cross boundaries. It’s disrespectful and I wish you treated my relationship like you would someone else with yours. I like having morals and values. I like being a good human being and let me tell you, being in love is amazing. Yes, at times I feel like I don’t know what love is or feels like in a relationship but when I am with him even if I’m upset there is always a smile waiting to appear behind a few dimples. I have to believe that just because I deal with these guys, that they are in fact not all the same. I have to have what? Faith.. you know.. the same thing I mention in every other post.

Now don’t get me wrong, I mean it does get nerve racking thinking about spending possibly the rest of your life with one person when you don’t even know if they will last long enough to get there but its not about picking out flaws and having these high standards. I don’t want to be skeptical of whats going on. I just want to go to bed at night peacefully. Its about being respected and loved.. so when you look at the world and see what it has caused and how people truly are, you find the good ones and you stay close to them.

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Redo

I can’t seem to get the words out. I keep erasing shit.

5th time now.

I have a lot on my mind. 6th time.

7th time. I don’t know. Came back from Wisconsin with the boy and his father and it wasn’t as awkward as I expected. 8th. The language barrier issue wasn’t really bothersome. I love his family and I want that to be known, but sometimes its hard not understanding the language they speak. I feel rude and disrespectful, more so left out 😦 But it is what it is and I am slowly learning to deal with things without making an issue first. However, I have to say that even if I do get mad I have like a rebound rate of like 60sec-60min lol. So, it could always be worse!

right…?

Came back friday night, with only one day of fishing. The boy and I slept in till 2pm on friday and his dad got to pissed to go out that late so we just went home. I was down to just drill a hole and fish standing up lol but I think it was his mom’s birthday party that night. As long as he wasn’t too upset, I was alright. Got home and the next night went to the boys work party. I knew most of the people there so it was nice to see them again. However I suck at life and got a super sickening feeling in my gut. As soon as I turn and look some chick is starring me down like we had prior beef type shit. I turn to him and ask him if she worked with him, and he said yes. Like, wtf. I don’t know. I instantly flipped. We got a table to ourselves and I told him I wanted to leave. I wanted to go, he was more than welcome to stay but I couldn’t be in that situation. He told me I have nothing to worry about but I mean come on. I’m secure as fuck, you’ve put me thru some bs before, and she was the only person I wasn’t introduced too. Just all too much to handle sometimes. I may “overreact” but I am simply just explaining my feelings. They are sudden and uncontrollable as far as I know. Trust me, I don’t want to keep feeling like this! What it boils down to, in regards to porn, checking out another chick, awkward stares in front of your girlfriend, I am just jealous of the attention given. All I want is you in like a little fucking bubble. No, NO ONE! lmfao!! Creep fucking status right here.

I just needed a little more time to build this trust then I was given. I was just thrown into a different situation, all too fast, and told to just, “trust”.

Holy shit.

and its like I can’t even explain the feelings I have because they wouldn’t make sense. I try to explain and I just end up babbling. So I just randomly stop and say never mind. Or I get embarrassed that I’m talking so much and leave the other person speechless. Like all I do is talk about his and I’s relationship. Yes, I could probably validate them somehow, blame it on daddy issues or something but I don’t care for that bullshit. I just want to know how I can control them, how I can live with them if all else fails. Having little trust, less communication, and more distance, yea I don’t really think that sounds like the recipe for success in anything really, let alone a relationship… I just can’t fucking grip this simple concept of having faith, accepting the idea that everything will happen regardless of my actions, thoughts or feelings.

That I simply, have z e r o control outside of myself.

So why not work on me? Why not dedicate the time that I spend on worrying on actually doing something good for myself? From working out consistently and meeting my goals, to continuing my education so I can feel secure as a woman not needing the dependency from others. Why not focus on what I AM doing, how I AM feeling? Why not put myself first?

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I seriously hate writing titles.

Just like I have been telling clients and future clients, if you want something bad enough you need to make an effort. This sentence is so vague yet carries such a meaning. There I am simply talking about training, getting active, giving a shit about your body. Here, I am talking about writing. I just need to make the time to sit down and express my thoughts (because we all know I am fucking full of them).

That being said, I just got back from 30 minutes on the stair master, sipping on a protein shake and listening to Marley sleep. I don’t have to be back for a couple hours, thanks to a shift spilt M-W. I actually love it. I have a break in between my day to rest, work out, get shit done. Off Thursday, work half day friday then the rest of the weekend. The weekend is pretty chill though, took some time getting use to having been off weekends for 2 years, but after yesterday, I don’t mind working them at all.

So I’ve been super nervous. Never having one sales position, working full time since I was 15, kind of tackled my confidence from the start. Lucky for me I love fitness and I will believe in it till the day I die, so talking to these people just comes naturally at times*. Lol.. Yes at times. Listen, I have been “training” for 2 weeks now. Diagrams, after presentation, after completely boil room esque meetings with the directors (not to mention, THE ONLY FEMALE), over and over and feel pressured to know the basic workout even, felt insincere. But the more and more I just talk to these people, like truly talk to them, it makes everything okay. I just want these people to feel comfortable. I know that 50% of you know that it’s a sales job, but no one can make you do something you don’t want to do. I mean take working out for example. It’s the reason you’re in the gym in the first place, and most likely you are a new member, so who stopped you from achieving your goals in the first place? Why are you here?

I want people to stop hating their bodies. Yes, I sound like a complete fool calling the kettle black and shit but I know what it takes to get there. I am working on them and thats all that I can ask anyone from themselves.

Then again.. Maybe you shouldn’t be taking advice from someone who thinks getting healthy is only an added bonus. I am so caught up on the physical part of working out that being healthy isn’t as important. I feel like if I didn’t give a crap about my body image I’d eat everything in sight. Food is just fucking good.

Anyway if I don’t shut up now I am just going to bury myself and will end up deleting the whole fucking thing and wont redo it, and that would completely miss the entire point of this blog.. you know, about making time.

So with my spilt shit, I am going to do “two-a-days”. Lol aka meaning working out twice in a day. I figure if my happy ass could get to the gym an hour early, to knock out cardio then. However that is probably not going to happen, so last resort is doing cardio or weight and cardio beginning of the spilt shift and end the day with another set of cardio. Either way, I work at a freaking gym. If I can’t stay on the right path, it’s only ignorance. THATTTTTT being said, I haven’t worked out for three days. I ate like you wouldn’t believe on saturday then chilled the fuck out on sunday but still didn’t lift. I’m still feeling pretty good though. Cardio was a little rough today, my legs felt like tree trunks. They kind of look like them too… okay possibly kidding but hence the cardio so, maybe not…

😉

Possibly going to Wisconsin wednesday night, with the boyfriend. He has off thursday friday, I kind of do too but I work a few hours friday night. So I am going to ask if I can work all day Wednesday to make up for it. Shouldn’t be a problem I just have to stay active about getting appointments and making phone calls. Another meeting at NS on wednesday, hoping they don’t make this a weekly occurrence. Yeah they pay for your gas but the miles on my carrrrrr. I am in dire need of new tires and have to wait a week or two. I just need a new car  in general.

Other than that shit is igght. Boyfriend and I are good. I am choosing not to worry anymore. I have really come to the conclusion that everything is meant to happen just the way is has, and will continue to do so. I am no longer afraid of knowing that I simply don’t know.

Simply having faith, M.

 

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In need of faith.

I wish instead of forgiving, I could forget. 

Well hello there..

As you can clearly tell, I haven’t posted in a while. My life has really  changed and I am finding out, slowly but surely if it’s a good thing or not.

The boyfriend and I have each started new jobs. Meaning, we no longer work together. AW was where we met, where we fell in love, where we spent 40+ hours together. To no longer have that has been quite a change. Though, as much as I feared it would become a problem, it hasn’t.. Yet. Okay just kidding. I will stay positive. We did get in a little spiff about something that I found out recently. I don’t really feel comfortable talking about it, mostly because it’s a clear indication that I am insecure as f u c k. Take out feeling insecure (because frankly WTF else is new), I think it just hurt my heart. That being said, he came over last night with sushi (something he’s never done) and we talked about it. I am still not completely over it but I think we came to a conclusion. Not one that I typically wanted only because I don’t want to be a controlling girlfriend. I don’t want to tell someone they can or ‘ do something, because all said and done he is his own person. He is allowed to do as he pleases I just hope that in the end he sees how it affected me and will respect me.

Going back to the whole starting a new job, I now work at LA Fitness. No more 9-5 at a body shop getting treated like shit. No more dead-end job. No more getting taken advantage of and being called stupid on a daily basis. I now have a job where I am actually appreciated. A job in which I love doing. The fitness industry is something that I will be in for most likely the rest of my life. I feel comfortable there. Working no longer feels like work to me. I am helping people change their lives, while I am able to focus on my own goals. I no longer have an excuse of not getting to the gym 🙂

I am a little nervous with how things are run, but I have to understand that just like working at Xsport years ago, this is a business and they expect that you make them money. Hopefully, one day I will be able to work on my own. I don’t like having “goals” and those “goals” just being about money and sales. I honestly love helping people help themselves. It is so rewarding because I know how it was when I was younger. Always dealing with body issues really takes a toll on the soul. I want people to love themselves, get healthy and truly feel happy. I know it is possible and I am working one day at a time to prove that to each person I come in contact with.

Regarding my own training, I decided not to do a show. Not because I am not ready or won’t be ready but more so the money part. Entering a show is quite expensive and right now I took a huge pay cut and can’t afford to compete at this time. Once I get back on my feet it will be a different story but until then I will continue to train like I am stepping on stage minus the whole 3+ hours at the gym. I am working hard, training hard but not as hard as I would need to come competition time. I don’t do more than 45-60 minutes of cardio merely because I don’t want to burn out. I plan on staying lean, eating healthy but enjoying life. I now spend 10+ hours at the gym so I really have to be cautious about how I spend my time. I am definitely looking forward to the changes in my body though, some of which have already arrived. My boyfriend comments all the time on how I am leaning out and the definition in my legs agree too! Loving it!! But like always, always a work in progress and I don’t mind!

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