Redo

I can’t seem to get the words out. I keep erasing shit.

5th time now.

I have a lot on my mind. 6th time.

7th time. I don’t know. Came back from Wisconsin with the boy and his father and it wasn’t as awkward as I expected. 8th. The language barrier issue wasn’t really bothersome. I love his family and I want that to be known, but sometimes its hard not understanding the language they speak. I feel rude and disrespectful, more so left out 😦 But it is what it is and I am slowly learning to deal with things without making an issue first. However, I have to say that even if I do get mad I have like a rebound rate of like 60sec-60min lol. So, it could always be worse!

right…?

Came back friday night, with only one day of fishing. The boy and I slept in till 2pm on friday and his dad got to pissed to go out that late so we just went home. I was down to just drill a hole and fish standing up lol but I think it was his mom’s birthday party that night. As long as he wasn’t too upset, I was alright. Got home and the next night went to the boys work party. I knew most of the people there so it was nice to see them again. However I suck at life and got a super sickening feeling in my gut. As soon as I turn and look some chick is starring me down like we had prior beef type shit. I turn to him and ask him if she worked with him, and he said yes. Like, wtf. I don’t know. I instantly flipped. We got a table to ourselves and I told him I wanted to leave. I wanted to go, he was more than welcome to stay but I couldn’t be in that situation. He told me I have nothing to worry about but I mean come on. I’m secure as fuck, you’ve put me thru some bs before, and she was the only person I wasn’t introduced too. Just all too much to handle sometimes. I may “overreact” but I am simply just explaining my feelings. They are sudden and uncontrollable as far as I know. Trust me, I don’t want to keep feeling like this! What it boils down to, in regards to porn, checking out another chick, awkward stares in front of your girlfriend, I am just jealous of the attention given. All I want is you in like a little fucking bubble. No, NO ONE! lmfao!! Creep fucking status right here.

I just needed a little more time to build this trust then I was given. I was just thrown into a different situation, all too fast, and told to just, “trust”.

Holy shit.

and its like I can’t even explain the feelings I have because they wouldn’t make sense. I try to explain and I just end up babbling. So I just randomly stop and say never mind. Or I get embarrassed that I’m talking so much and leave the other person speechless. Like all I do is talk about his and I’s relationship. Yes, I could probably validate them somehow, blame it on daddy issues or something but I don’t care for that bullshit. I just want to know how I can control them, how I can live with them if all else fails. Having little trust, less communication, and more distance, yea I don’t really think that sounds like the recipe for success in anything really, let alone a relationship… I just can’t fucking grip this simple concept of having faith, accepting the idea that everything will happen regardless of my actions, thoughts or feelings.

That I simply, have z e r o control outside of myself.

So why not work on me? Why not dedicate the time that I spend on worrying on actually doing something good for myself? From working out consistently and meeting my goals, to continuing my education so I can feel secure as a woman not needing the dependency from others. Why not focus on what I AM doing, how I AM feeling? Why not put myself first?

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2 thoughts on “Redo

  1. A friend sent me this quote once, and I think it’s helped me – worrying is like praying for what you don’t want. So simple, yet true. 🙂

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