Inner peace and happiness is the true balance in life.

Well would you look at that? Second blog post in a row.. Actually I should delete that before I jinx myself again. HOWEVER!!!! Tomorrow I work from 3-6:30pm but going in around 12 to get a leg work out in. After that, I am going with the boy to the track till probably around midnight so no blog post tomorrow. I will update on Saturday though.

Today was short of a train wreck. The boy came over last night late so I pretty much said hello and passed out. Well, that is before I gave him my last strawberry shortcake skinny cow while I ate a handful of blueberries. I am telling you… I am going to STAY STRONG during these four weeks of no cheats. I do however, like today, had a kind bar which is keeping me sane. That, and Quest Bars. If you have never heard of them, I suggest you do yourself a favor and google that shit. They are by FAR amazing. I actually had a client today come over to my desk before a session while I was eating one and informed her about them. After our session, I ran up to the treadmills (Yup, doing cardio like a good client!!!), and gave her my last apple pie one. I didn’t mind. For some reason I am straight addicted to their brownie flavored ones. That is, till I try their new raspberry white chocolate one ;P

Anyways, side tracked like a mother.. So I woke up around 10am and went downstairs to eat something. I knew I was going to go back to bed for a bit and wanted to get something in me before I went hours with an empty stomach. I ate about 1/2c greek yogurt with more blueberries and made a piece of toast with PB on it for the boy and I. After a little while shit got nuts. I got crazy insecure and shit just escalated. I am just sick and tired of feeling how I feel lately. Things aren’t going well. Work is long and strenuous and I don’t get paid like I should. I am literally living paycheck to paycheck with no social life because I can’t afford it. Now I don’t mind per say because it usually affects training (going out for drinks or a movie.. I mean who can say no to a couple handfuls of butter with a side of popcorn?).. but the fact that I don’t even have a choice, is overwhelming. Outside of that, all I worry about is him and what he’s doing and who he’s talking too. Now I am one insecure bia and have always been but this.. this is just crazy. I WANT IT TO STOP! I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop thinking the thoughts I think. All of it. I want to pretend nothing ever happened in our relationship for me to feel like this. No, I am not putting all the blame on him, but it has definitely altered the way I view our relationship now. Time and time again I say how I want to change and how I will and yadda ya but every week its the same shit. I have contemplated talking to someone but I don’t have the time. I am literally on call for my clients and don’t feel its the right thing to do at the very moment. I have seen someone before and have taken psych classes… so I know the road they are going to take. I just need to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. Yes, I can go back and claim daddy issues for this shit but it’s not about that. Yes, I have a fear of being abandoned (more so dumped and cheated on) but because it’s how the story has always ended up to be. Not even that, he has put doubt in my head and although its been a year, time doesn’t always heal as fast as you would like it too. And trust me, I WANT IT TOO! But I will not allow my “home” issues to affect anymore of my life than it already has. I am just lucky that I have not chosen food to cope with my issues. That is a HUGE step for me. Although I have lacked in work outs (second day this week without a full work out), I’d rather lack in work outs and rest than fill my body with mass quantities of bullshit for an instant satisfaction that will only bring days of complete and utter disappointed. I am just going to pray. That’s it. Oh, and lift!

Well, after a few spurts of tears later, he left and I got ready for work. I made up a few meals and ate 4 slices of turkey bacon before I headed out (looked at the ingredients.. Um no thanks).

3:15pm Got to work
3:30pm Trained K. He had a kick ass work out ;P
Had 1/2 Kind bar and 1/2 Quest bar
4:00pm Trained H (had a good convo with her in between her rests to catch her breath)
4:30-5:30pm Had a break because one of my clients cancelled.
5:30pm HM asked me if I wanted to train arms with C and him and I agreed but only had 30 minutes till my next apt.
Ate 1/2c brown rice with 99% FF ground turkey. Cold. Awesome. Not.
6:00-9pm More clients.
In between those clients I ate some more chicken. Also had some almonds and the rest of the kind and quest bar.

On my way home around 9:45pm I ate another 1/2c greek yogurt with.. you guessed it, blueberries. I stopped at jewel for a few items. I mean it was late, but chicken was on sale for $1.99 a pound. LOL

It is currently 11:42pm and I will have, most likely, more greek yogurt and……STRAWBERRIES??? haha.. maybe blueberries. I don’t care about eating fruit at night. I would rather that than a fantastic tasting chocolate bar. From now until 2-3 months, you will see fruit in my diet just about every meal of the day. Yes, it’s sugar but I stay active and until I need to cut, bring it on!

Okay okay.. so as the pictures were uploading I went downstairs and got some. Darn these blueberries!

Okay okay.. so as the pictures were uploading I went downstairs and got some. Darn these blueberries!

Here, I have chicken, ground turkey (UGH! 99% FF is $2 more than 80/20 fml), greek yogurt, bananas, strawberries, blueberries (LOL) and carrots. I bought the carrots for the track tomorrow because all I will be doing is smelling burnt rubber and funnel stix (FML). SERIOUSLY HEAD STRONG! I can do this!!!!!

photo 2

I would be by the PB aisle..

So after my little 20 minute arm work out, that was the most I did working out today. I was not feeling up to it. Besides, my whole body is sore. Although I do miss it, I did a little arm work out at home and took this progress picture of my shoulders again. I am so excited for the changes that are going to come.

photo 1

Other than that, that sums up my day. Nothing TOO crazy might I add. Tomorrow should be exciting though. I am looking forward to this new positive attitude that I am trying out. I mean.. I am staying positive that I’ll be able to stay positive. Hmmm..

photo 3

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