What really matters, is to live.

I feel like I haven’t written in forever, and now don’t know where to begin.

My head is all confused.
I am starting to feel like I am at one of those low points in my life. You know, where everything seems to always go wrong. Like I have no control. I don’t know. But I sure as hell don’t want to keep typing hoping to find the answer. I just need to focus.
On myself.
My life, my job, my training.
My sanity.

I don’t have a very interesting life at the moment, due to training clients and myself majority of the day. Though you would still figure I had more time on my hands than I actually do. Maybe I am sick of the same schedule, same shit everyday. I know I want more, but honestly don’t think I am ready for it. I am starting to get more motivated about branching out my own business but still very intimidating of the idea because I would be going into it blindly. That’s nerve-racking.  Though living pay check to pay check is too, I am still paying bills. Going about what I want to do, could bring in no money at one point. That, I don’t think I am ready for. I’m already living a stressful life, I don’t need bill collectors harassing me, or whats left of my savings to disappear. I just don’t feel safe. Maybe that’s what I need though, not to feel safe. To fight.

To fight for my life.

Well. That’s enough. I am already stressing about writing this blog. I think that’s why I don’t write as often. Okay, never mind. We all know it’s because I am just a boring lifter wanting more out of every F * * * ING thing possible! Greedy.

and selfish. That’s what I have come to the conclusion about myself. No, those aren’t the only characteristics, but those are the negative ones I yearn to change. It’s hard. Because what else is there to do then constantly think of your surroundings thoughts, feelings emotions, needs and wants?

As much as I give, I feel like my hand is always out expecting something. But in the end, I know I am a good person and will do anything for the people closest to me but even the people I know nothing about. Though, doesn’t change the way I feel, like this life is all about me.  I need to grow and continue to grow into something beautiful. I want to change my behaviors and actions. I want to be SELFLESS. True, wholesome and giving. I hate the way I think sometimes. I hate the way I am sometimes.

But flashback to my previous posts, I am the one in charge of everything I want to rid of. So what does that say about me that all I do is whine bitch and moan and hope that one day things are different?
Nothing. It says nothing good about who I am.

But to any and everyone that it matters to, know that I am trying. Is it all that I can do? Maybe not. But I am going to try harder.
..and keep trying.

Okay, someone people stop me. Lets change directions, shall we?

Met with an old friend the other night (friday). It was nice to catch up. We went out to eat and chit chatted for a bit. I am still doing my 4 week no cheat, so I ordered a steak with sweet potato fries and broccoli. My steak was ordered medium rare. Twice, it was not. No big deal, I was hungry. I ate it. Medium well and all.

Left shortly after, and it takes me an hour to get home. In which, I live 15 minutes away. Damn you wrong turn!

The next morning, I woke up around 7:25am and needed to be out the door around 7:30am. I had a client at 8 and a spin class shortly after. That day, I believe I ate 2 quest bars, an isopure drink, 2 bananas, a greek yogurt, some kashi cereal, and chicken for days. I napped around 5:30pm and got ready to head to the boyfriend’s house. It was a couple of his buddies birthday’s, so we were going to go out for a bit. Why I didn’t think I needed to bring food with me, is beside me. I had 1/2 a quest bar and some freeze-dried fruit in my bag (that I only found once I was rummaging through my bag hoping to find food). Though, we stopped at noodles and co for a quick bite to eat. I was thinking that all I could get was a salad (but I am a picky salad person) but noticed the options and they were pretty healthy! I ended up ordering a small order of whole grain pasta with veggies and added chicken. Roughly 450 calories (without the chicken). We ended up staying at his buddies house, while more people showed up. At this point, it was around 10:30-11pm and the boring person I am, was already tired. A couple of girls came over to me and started asking about macros (calories, protein, fats) and about my work out regimen and what I do basically. It was a long conversation that turned into people planking, my boyfriend showing me his squat, to the girls and I complaining about how we needed food. I mean.. I would have had 2-3 meals by the time we ended up leaving :/ I knew I had a Quest bar in the car, but too be honest.. I didn’t go get it because I didn’t want to share it… 😛 (SEE, greedy as f u c k). BUTTTTTTTTT the hunger pains grew to painful to bare so the boyfriend got it and warmed it up by the fire for me. Little did he know, it was cute gesture and all BUT I JUST WANTED TO SCARF IT DOWN! haha..

Noodles and Co FTW!

Noodles and Co FTW!

How sweet. Warming my brownie quest bar for me..

How sweet. Warming my brownie quest bar for me..

The boys, however, wanted pizza though. Imagine that. But the girls didn’t. Which I was pleased about but made sure that I would leave before that happened. Instead, he talked about going to maxwell street to get burgers and was I NOT having that nonsense. Though it is a little challenging when its 1am and you’re hungry. BUT! NOT IMPOSSIBLE! Yes, you don’t know what they add or sneak into their food to make it better, it is what it is. All you can do is ask and hope they honor it. We ended up stopping at ihop. I knew that I could at least get meat (HA!) and can’t go wrong there.

We ended up talking for a bit. Things aren’t going so well. This goes back to the beginning of this post as well, but that’s not appropriate talk right now. The only reason I mentioned it was because when our food came, no matter how hungry I was, we didn’t eat it for at least 8 minutes UGH!) ON TOP OF HIM TAKING UP PRECIOUS TIME NOT KNOWING WHAT HE WANTED TO EAT!!!! The lady came back twice before we actually ordered. Oh my lanta.

Any who, this is what I ate:

-3

3 eggs scrambled, 2 pieces bacon and sausage with sirloin tips with onions. Yup. For being ihop, wasn’t that bad.

Headed home, slept till 10am and now I am here. Got home around 11:30am, after stopping and vacuuming my car. I ate a banana on the ride home but made a big bowl of oatmeal when I got in.

#addicted.

#addicted.

1/2c oatmeal
1 TBS flaxseed.
3 strawberries, cut.
A small handful blueberries.
A small handful Kashi go lean crunch cereal.
A sprinkle of honey on top.

Have yet to count the macros in the oatmeal (again, proteins fat and carbs), but will get around to it in a bit. Speaking about that, I got off the phone with a client yesterday and how it would be helpful if I had a list of recipes and ingredients that people could eat that would make healthy eating easier. I think I am going to get around to that. I think it would help people, help themselves.

The only thing is that its time-consuming but I think if I break it up a bit, I could get it done relatively easily. I just hope that through all this, people stop over thinking things and start relearning new habits. I mean, you know fast food isnt food for you, so why eat it? Make it at home and save HUNDREDS OF CALORIES!!!! That’s all you need to do. Find foods that you love, and MAKE THEM HEALTHY!

😦

I don’t know. I hate coming off rude but I feel people either don’t want to change, or completely disregard my time spent with them trying to help them. That’s all. I am just trying to help. All I wish is that people are considerate of not only me and my time, but themselves. We need to work together and make things happen, or all we are going to do is fall short to the things that are slowly killing us.  Yes, we all die but why not love the life you live right now? No more hating yourself. No more feeling guilty. Just live life as healthy as we can and enjoy it. Being fit and healthy has a way of opening eyes to new and beautiful things.

I promise.

Spending the rest of the day cleaning and organizing. No work out today besides active resting (stretching, random push ups and lunges and a possible walk around the FP with the pup) and prepping food for the week. Tomorrow will be more of a helpful post, not a helpless one.

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