Well.. screw that thought. How about 30 days of clean eating?

Figured if I was watching Breaking Bad I could get this post started before I procrastinate it till tomorrow, than sleep in too late and wouldn’t get it done in the end. So.. in between air squats and BB, here’s today’s post.

This week was a fucking fail.

Okay, fine. Not a failure. Just another reason to try again, or do it differently. So, okay.

I got a few girls together to do 30 days all clean eating. It got brought up when we saw a picture of The Rock. Heres the picture actually. He did 150 days clean eating and had THEE most epic cheat meal (…if you could/would call it that).

photo 1

So, I figured not only would I be held accountable but a few other people attempting to achieve the same thing would give me a reason to challenge myself, as they would be. I think it would be a good start. Because, frankly I’m in a freakin rut. I could go on about shit but when it comes down to it, I’m not working hard enough and my body hurts. More importantly, my wrist. So its been a back and forth thing but being a personal trainer I need to be okay. Regardless of my training, its my job. So I think I am going to focus on my eating and cardio. Not just the treadmill, but stuff that will still challenge me. Plyometrics, with out the use of my wrist. I just need to start putting more effort into whatever it is that will make me feel complete? I dont know if that’s the word but I keep holding myself back from going forward. Though, I havent been complaining about it as much. Usually, I would bitch about something but feel like an idiot because it the end it was my fault that it was what it was. Now, I am trying to make the best out of the situation I am in. Still, emotionally eating and mostly likely by definition, depressed.

I am just stuck. In my own ass.
Seriously.

This road trip has been quite the experience. Taking the road to ripped detour.

Oh man.

This week I worked out probably like 3-4 times. Nothing crazy. I hurt my wrist, and my right shoulder-blade is achy. I ate like a motherf—— cow and I dont know how I feel about it. Some of it was because I like the instant gratification (because nothing else is going right). Other was enjoying the food I was eating. Some was because, why not? Starting on Monday. Validation, excuses, not giving a fuck, routine, I don’t know. All of the above?

And as I feel I look like shit. Definition (because of being a lesser body fat) is slowly going away and so has my excitement for working out. AHHHHHHHH. I sit here though.. and right before I started writing, I felt my body. For once. I don’t even like my boyfriend doing it (I MEAN COME ON! If you’re bloated…the first thing that should not be touched is the mid section! OKAYYYYY??!! So what if Im bloated all the time).

But I did it. And although I am probably at my highest weight (don’t care per say), if I had someone run their hand up and down my leg (…weird), they would think I am crazy. My stomach isnt even that bad and if I flexed, I still had the top two “abs”. I think I have THEE worst body dysmorphic disorder, ever. I mean I knew I was a little fucked up, but I think shits getting worse.

I am mentally breaking myself down.

Alright, brb- #goodbyebreakingbad
!!!

{ Haha.. I actually liked what they did. They had a marathon of every single breaking bad. Now.. a week ago you told me the finale of breaking bad was tonight I wouldn’t of even blinked an eye.. and now.. after watching at least 10 episodes (still missed a bunch), I am super excited for this. }

Back to something important… I realized that this week I need to focus on being consistent. Here I am, a personal trainer, telling/coaching people what they should be doing ext and I can’t even do the same? So, who am I? If I can’t find motivation to do it, why should they? It is tough and it is more mentally demanding then the actual working out part of it is. But through all these years of trial and error, I am still at loss in regards to me feeling balanced. So I sit here and write… these words and the answer feels so simple, in such plain sight that I overwhelm myself. But I am here to do it. Whether I feel pushed down, out of hope, run down, or at a risk for failure, no matter what, I have yet to give up.

So, this is it. If I cannot prove to myself that I can do it, at LEAST for 30 days.. I need to reevaluate what I am doing with my life (personal training). I need to get out of this fucking mess I put myself in. I need to focus. I need to focus on being consistent and not some lazy fucking person.

Yeah, that’s it.

Well, this is it. 30 days, no cheat meal.

photo 1

I want to feel like I can FUCKING DO IT! Like, REALLY do it… As I was creeping fitness pages online, I came up with this and needed to save it:
“Once upon a time I started working hard to get the results I wanted. But I still fuck it up lots”. – Hardcore J

That’s my life in a nutshell.

UPDATE:

DAY 1/30 went a little like this..

3:25: 15 min cardio done. Got here 30 min early so why not. Checked my apts and working with 1 (30 min) break till 1030.

My arm is hurting more as the day goes by. Going to check with H to see if he knows anything off the top of his head. Otherwise I’m going to just ice it and lay off upper body for a bit. It’ll give me time to focus on my diet and doing cardio (about damn time eh)

5:30: have yet to have a break. Thought I would at 4:30 but no. Hungry as fuck.

Snuck in some chicken in between clients and even during :O how unprofessional.

10:15pm: finally home. Another chicken breast down. No other cardio done. Ate well under 1000 calories. Fail. Super fail.

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2 thoughts on “Well.. screw that thought. How about 30 days of clean eating?

  1. jlgentry says:

    Torpor. I think that is the word to describe the muddle you find yourself in. What feels good in your words is that you recognize it but aren’t killing yourself about it. All I can say is hang in there. You’ll find a way. I like your “team clean” mode. The commraderie will help as long as you keep it fun. It should all be fun. Even when it is fucking hard.

    • Marissa says:

      I wish I was doing more than just recognizing things. I yearn to be more proactive but fall short because either its a full on road block or a mental one..

      Thank you for the constant feedback. So much appreciated.

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