Monthly Archives: May 2014

Grasping for air.

A lot has happened in the last week and it’s finally coming to an end.

Atleast that’s what I’m telling myself. Because I can’t stay in this hole any longer..

It’s not healthy.
Nor am I happy.

I’m far from happy.
Like, far far.

I sit here.. A week into a binge and purge roller coaster. An ENTIRE week.

I was fine, doing so well.. Food was on point. I was doing what I could workout wise. My head was clear.

Then I get injured.
Shattered knuckle.

That’s it. Nothing crazy..Nothing life altering.

Or, well.. So I thought.

Made the best of it, even 4 weeks post operation.. Then last week, I felt like my life was just swept with a deep dark sense of sadness…

Then the demons arrived.

I started seeing a therapist maybe two months or so ago just for straight life guidance (I think a lot) and I remember specifically one of the first things he asked was if fitness wasn’t a part of my life anymore, though it didn’t take long for me to reply it felt like a no brainer.. It won’t. I will ALWAYS be involved and super interested in the fitness industry.

End of story.

Wrong..
More like just beginning.

Fast Forward two weeks, I shatter my knuckle. FF another two weeks, I had the surgery. A surgery in which was suppose to be 15 minutes, turned into 2 and 1/2 hours.

After that, even just the day after, when I returned in pain and the dr said they had wrapped the splint too right.. I still had high hopes. But soon it turned from an it what it is situation, to wtf did I just get myself into??!!

Bad vibes from doctors, painful experiences.. Take for example the picture was taken this past Wednesday. The Dr (who I’ve been seeing and haven’t been to fond of) had someone shadow him then leave the room to have him stitch me. I get that may be a requirement to know what to do, but this guy .. Let’s just say had some trouble. Like, walking out, grabbing an assistant kind of trouble. It was a bad time..

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The week of the last pin removal, really hit me hard. Everything just flooded my head with negativity. I had just interviewed for a really good job, but called back and asked for my application to be put on hold, knowing with surgeries PT and basically not being at able to perform at my best, wasn’t good qualities of a new hire..

I got into a car accident. Backed up into a guy who said he saw me but thought he could move around me..

The thought of my hand never being the same again constantly triggered mood swings..

Feeling helpless, ALL THE TIME.

Self destructing, falling back into old habits.

It was one thing after another and I couldn’t control it. I had given up that power.

2 months ago I was doing push ups in my room for fun, timing handstands and planks.. Now I could barely dress myself, tie my shoes..

Everything.. just like that.. Taken away.

I know maybe I’m being dramatic.. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe.. But what I do know, is I’m a girl whose been so insecure from the moment I could remember and has dealt with body image issues for just as long… Understand and grasp the harsh reality that my happiness seems to be directly related to my body issue..

And this surgery.. An obstacle if you will, made me realize just how caught up I am in all of this..

..how I’ve been LETTING the fight consume me.

This time, I’m fighting back!

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“Don’t let the fight consume you.”

I read this at the exact moment that I was meant to read it.

Post in progress.

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No matter how small, progress is progress!

It’s been exactly 2 months since my injury, a month since my surgery. In that time, I have lost 12lbs. In my anorexic days, I would if saw this as a good thing, and now I feel depressed thinking about all the muscle I have lost.

Maybe depressed wasn’t the right word, because although I’m super sad by it, I have yet to do the destructive habits I was once accustomed too… So maybe in light of it all, I’m making progress regardless of what the scale says..

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