It ends here.

I’ve had time to write but chose not too. Feels that when I write about my life it makes me overthink even more than I already do, and sets me back a couple days mentally. Today, I choose to write.

Maybe because I’m bored, maybe because I’m ready.. I don’t know. What I do know is that I was in a slump. A pretty big one actually. With my fractured finger, to the bills that came with it.. to not being able to lift how I want too.. To being drained mentally.. It seemed like I would never come out of it. I cried most nights. I felt sorry for myself most days. None of which was proactive.

Just like binging, it was a vicious cycle. Speaking of which, I went a whole week eating whatever I wanted. Puked some of it up. You would think I was resorting back to old ways.. When really, I was just making room for more food. Fucked up, no? Yes. Quite so actually. I’m not even embarrassed anymore. I was struggling. I was hating myself and punishing myself all at the same time.

But I’m here. Still afloat. Feeling better, and slowly climbing out of this hole I built for myself. Can’t say I did it alone. I have had help. The same help I tried dismissing every time it was offered. Call it ego call it whatever you want but I thought I could do this myself.

I thought wrong.

It’s not such a bad thing to receive help, and I’m slowly understanding that. This world is way too complicated to roam around lonely and lost.

I finally bit the bullet and applied for classes, beginning in August. Something, that even though hasn’t started, I feel is a huge step forward. Not just for the real worlds sake, but for my own well being. I fight the feeling of worthlessness all the time. I have a lot to offer and feel I stay stuck to feel sorry for myself.

It ends life isn’t perfect, I e known that from years of struggling, but sitting on the pity pot sure gets uncomfortable.

3 thoughts on “It ends here.

  1. jlgentry says:

    Marissa, Over the time I’ve been reading your posts I’ve seen you change. You may not see it because the few issues you have are deep and personal to you, but trust me. You’ve grown and become a very different person than the one I first met. Only you know what you are going through and I don’t profess to have experiences like yours (except I’ve fractured an ankle and separated a shoulder, so we have injury in common). What I do see is your constant striving to be better and improve. So, don’t get too down on yourself. Take a step back, be proud of how far you have come.

    • Marissa says:

      I swear, the comments you leave me make me smile for days. I screenshot all of them because they are truly motivating. I appreciate the time and thought spent on them.

      Here’s to never giving up!

  2. MikeJar says:

    I love you beautiful, keep your head up bc you ARE amazing. You know im always here for you and you can count on me for anything. I believe in you and have grown to adore and love you sweets, everyday it just grows. You are very special and I want to be by your sife learning and growning for many many years to come

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