Truth is..

I’m pretty sure my mom has stayed home from work lately because she thinks I’m suicidal. 

Truth is, I don’t know if I am. I pray to God every night to take me because I won’t take myself. It’s as though I feel like this isn’t my life to take, if that makes sense.

I’m done keeping this shit locked up. It’s for once I open up whole heartedly. Pathetic as it sounds, it’s as if I feel comfort in the online world, because my reality is spiraling out of control. 

I’ll be back.

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13 thoughts on “Truth is..

  1. flamidwyfe says:

    Praying that you find your way. Talking it out, even on here, can be helpful xo

  2. Deb says:

    i have struggled with depression and terrible anxiety all my life, my husband died i am obese and wanted to die too, i discovered birds by sitting on my chair and staring out the window. they are small and tough and are real survivors, when i am not, they get up every day and sing, when i dont ever want to, i wonder who made them and why ? they are beautiful i am not, i want to keep looking at them i want to be like them i hate my job hate my life but i love these birds

  3. brii13 says:

    I wil pray for you tonight. God has something bigger in store for you so keep strong, let it all out online. You may think people aren’t listening but they are. I’m glad I found your blog x

  4. robynchristi says:

    I hope you feel better real soon, no one deserves to feel this way

  5. It truly broke my heart to read this. I know I only know you through your blog and but I care about your life, and I really do pray that you can find complete healing and peace through Jesus.

  6. Shauna says:

    You don’t really know me outside of the few times we commented back and forth, but if you need to talk – I am here. Seriously. All of it sounds silly until you realize you need to really talk. Shaunakleavitt@gmail.com

    • Marissa says:

      Maybe when I was young I would have shied away from “asking for help”, now I could care less who knows how “messed up” I am. I have nothing to prove to anyone. So I will def be keeping your info handy. Thank you, honestly.. I’ve never felt so alone..

      • Shauna says:

        You aren’t alone. A friend of mine hung himself recently and I cant get over it.

        He texted his friend “I love you, call the police”. They found him hanging in his garage. He had barricaded the door from what I understand. His friend found him and called 911. He had enough time to almost save his life. He died a few days later in ICU with his family camped outside ICU living off of hospital food, little sleep and even littler hope.

        His friend is forever changed. In his mind, he failed saving his brother’s life and he has to live with that. His sister is a mess, even months later. And his friends are left wondering what happened.

        His facebook haunts me. His picture on my fridge makes me loss my appetite.

        Marissa, I normally wouldn’t share such private info. But I can’t hold it back when I know someone else is struggling.

        😦

      • Marissa says:

        I am literally in psych class learning about mood disorders.. And how depression is real and could be deadly. I am so sorry you are going through something like this. It makes me feel ashamed this pain I could bring onto others ..

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