Category Archives: Controversy

Dear God,

I did not sleep well last night,
But I did wake up.
My muscles are sore,
But they work.
My wallet is not full,
But my belly is.
I may not have all I want,
But I have all I need.
My life is not perfect,
But my life is good.

Thank you!

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Grasping for air.

A lot has happened in the last week and it’s finally coming to an end.

Atleast that’s what I’m telling myself. Because I can’t stay in this hole any longer..

It’s not healthy.
Nor am I happy.

I’m far from happy.
Like, far far.

I sit here.. A week into a binge and purge roller coaster. An ENTIRE week.

I was fine, doing so well.. Food was on point. I was doing what I could workout wise. My head was clear.

Then I get injured.
Shattered knuckle.

That’s it. Nothing crazy..Nothing life altering.

Or, well.. So I thought.

Made the best of it, even 4 weeks post operation.. Then last week, I felt like my life was just swept with a deep dark sense of sadness…

Then the demons arrived.

I started seeing a therapist maybe two months or so ago just for straight life guidance (I think a lot) and I remember specifically one of the first things he asked was if fitness wasn’t a part of my life anymore, though it didn’t take long for me to reply it felt like a no brainer.. It won’t. I will ALWAYS be involved and super interested in the fitness industry.

End of story.

Wrong..
More like just beginning.

Fast Forward two weeks, I shatter my knuckle. FF another two weeks, I had the surgery. A surgery in which was suppose to be 15 minutes, turned into 2 and 1/2 hours.

After that, even just the day after, when I returned in pain and the dr said they had wrapped the splint too right.. I still had high hopes. But soon it turned from an it what it is situation, to wtf did I just get myself into??!!

Bad vibes from doctors, painful experiences.. Take for example the picture was taken this past Wednesday. The Dr (who I’ve been seeing and haven’t been to fond of) had someone shadow him then leave the room to have him stitch me. I get that may be a requirement to know what to do, but this guy .. Let’s just say had some trouble. Like, walking out, grabbing an assistant kind of trouble. It was a bad time..

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The week of the last pin removal, really hit me hard. Everything just flooded my head with negativity. I had just interviewed for a really good job, but called back and asked for my application to be put on hold, knowing with surgeries PT and basically not being at able to perform at my best, wasn’t good qualities of a new hire..

I got into a car accident. Backed up into a guy who said he saw me but thought he could move around me..

The thought of my hand never being the same again constantly triggered mood swings..

Feeling helpless, ALL THE TIME.

Self destructing, falling back into old habits.

It was one thing after another and I couldn’t control it. I had given up that power.

2 months ago I was doing push ups in my room for fun, timing handstands and planks.. Now I could barely dress myself, tie my shoes..

Everything.. just like that.. Taken away.

I know maybe I’m being dramatic.. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe.. But what I do know, is I’m a girl whose been so insecure from the moment I could remember and has dealt with body image issues for just as long… Understand and grasp the harsh reality that my happiness seems to be directly related to my body issue..

And this surgery.. An obstacle if you will, made me realize just how caught up I am in all of this..

..how I’ve been LETTING the fight consume me.

This time, I’m fighting back!

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“Don’t let the fight consume you.”

I read this at the exact moment that I was meant to read it.

Post in progress.

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No matter how small, progress is progress!

It’s been exactly 2 months since my injury, a month since my surgery. In that time, I have lost 12lbs. In my anorexic days, I would if saw this as a good thing, and now I feel depressed thinking about all the muscle I have lost.

Maybe depressed wasn’t the right word, because although I’m super sad by it, I have yet to do the destructive habits I was once accustomed too… So maybe in light of it all, I’m making progress regardless of what the scale says..

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IIFYM

I just ate a brownie. My stomach is in knots and I have a huge headache. It’s crazy how eating healthy for so long and ingesting something that isn’t, affects you so greatly.

That being said, I believe in IIFYM (if it fits your macros), to a point. Macros aka macronutrients, are your carbs proteins and fats. You are given a calorie “goal” as well as c/p/f.. And technically you could eat whatever you wanted as long as it fits in your means.

I find people are either pro clean eating or iifym. But those for iifym, seem to have a thing against clean eaters.. Making memes about it, like eating icecream in the shower.. Ext. I believe in whatever works for that person. Personally, my stomach can’t handle shit foods, nor does my mind. I feel guilty, more so because I tend to bloat pretty bad.. And who can feel happy being bloated?

Anyways, I like my clients to eat 5-6 days “clean” then treat themselves to a “cheat MEAL” once or twice a week. For different reasons.. Mostly up keep them sane. Unless you’ve been in the game for awhile.. You have habits that need to be broken, and until they are brought to the surface, many people can’t stick to a “diet”. They are too use to eating crappy and don’t feel satisfied eating chicken and veggies majority of the time..another reason I believe in eating healthy, wholesome foods, is because of vitamins and minerals. Yes, you could lose weight eating cheeseburgers all day, but sooner or later it’s going to catch up to you.

The thing is, I don’t care if you eat clean or eat icecream.. I want people to enjoy being fit. I want people to grab ahold of themselves and start treating their bodies better. I struggled for years before I took the healthy route, and I’m stunned it took that long.

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Real talk.

I began a Facebook page called Fit R Us. I don’t know where I’m going with, much like this blog, though I hope to just help in any way I can. Mostly motivating articles and just being truthful about how the process of getting fit really works. No bullshit.

I feel like many people don’t understand the basics, just like myself years ago. That alone could be detrimental to ones progress. Years ago, I starved myself. Not too long ago I binged the fuck out of shit. Now, I am living healthy and happy and I hope others will too.

I posted this progress picture (see below) taken this morning (4/25/14). It’s about 2 weeks post surgery. I haven’t worked out.. and by that I have lost around 7lbs. Although not stoked about it.. There’s nothing I can do.. But wait! There is, and I have stayed completely on point on my diet (again, you know me, I use the word diet very loosely).

I have tracked my food in myfitnesspal. Which is sort if a joke unless you know what you’re doing. All my clients have downloaded it and I have manipulated the goals because 9/10 it is so wrong. I don’t really know where they come up with there numbers, but I rarely agree.

I’m staying on a 40/30/30 spilt, at around 1800 calories. And that’s not working out… Most girls would look at that number and think I’m crazy.. But I look at some peoples calorie consumption and think the same. Just remember, if you think eating less than 1000 calories is good.. Realize you will have to eat 1000 calories for the rest of your life or you’ll gain weight. Then think about if you hit a plateau.. Only way to get past it would be to add more work, or to eat less. See where I’m going here? You can eat and lose weight, you just have to be in a deficient at the end of the day.. Maybe people don’t like to work out.. But who likes to, well, not eat?

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Live love LIFT!

I got the go ahead to lift lower body!

It’s been a few weeks, and I could not be happier.. Like I’ve previously mentioned, my “diet” has kept me from spiraling into a depression. I went 30 days without a chest meal, and had one last Friday. I’ve been wanting pizza and my wish was granted. Everything felt fine. My stomach did turn just a bit but I held everything together. A few hours later, we indulged in some frozen yogurt and I’ll have to say, I felt a tad guilty. I’m not sure if it was because it was late at night, but I felt I went a bit overboard. The next day however, I was back to eating like normal (instead of usually continuing the binge).

Today, a few days later.. I feel better than ever. I started tracking my food which helps in holding myself accountable.

Slowly adding in cardio but for now my focus is on lifting lower body. I’ll check in soon!

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Life as I know it (for the time being)!

WOW.. it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride these last few weeks. Up and down an all around…

Lets first start off by saying how hard this is to type, considering I fractured the BLEEP out of my left hand. I just finished up with the doctor just a few short hours ago, where we decided to go ahead with surgery. I’m not saying
I’m thrilled, but happy that things should be back to normal in a few weeks. That being said, I have had two legit work outs in the last 3 weeks. Lets just say, I have been rather depressed. Seems like it’s a domino effect lately. More so, because I am constantly reminded of my lack of being able to do.. well just about anything. For the first week, I couldn’t even put my hair up, or tie my own shoes. Boy, did it make me feel guilty. Just always taking things for granted.. really made me appreciate the things in my life more. Maybe that’s why it happened… who knows..

Regardless, I am still facing challenges each and every day, and not being able to work out has made me feel .. like I lost part of myself. All I have ever known, has been working out and personal training.. and something this small has taken that from me (for the time being). I was deadlifting 255 for REPS and really pushing forward with my prep for competition. I mean.. this happened the day before I was supposed to compete in a DL comp, where the girl who won (and there was ONLY 1 GIRL in the comp) only lifted 235lbs.. let me tell you… that did not sit with me well.

Although my lifting has taken a back seat for a bit (I still lift legs as much as possible, and as much as I can), I promised myself that my “diet” will be the thing that holds me together. I was scared at first.. I was eating cookies practically every day and still  maintaining.. I was barely doing any cardio.. and then BAM! Active lifestyle cut short. I had to do something or I was going to self destruct.

So far so good.

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To be honest, my body is taking the lack of heavy lifting extremely well. I couldn’t believe it.. I woke up and had abs sitting up! Nothing I am doing is crazy extreme.. all I am doing is watching what I eat.. aaaaaaaand passing up the cookies (just for now). I am not counting calories, my macros.. nothing.. I probably should be but until I feel its necessary, I would rather just eat. I do prep my meals still, but again, no measuring of anything. I do take spin classes every other day (heavy resistance), to get SOME activity in my life. Like I said, I would be lost without it… I mean.. it really is my life. Even if I can’t train myself, I train people for a living and now, I can’t even spot someone correctly…  😦 But.. that’s not what this is about.

It’s about appreciating life. Really.. just in general. I mean, I broke a finger and I felt hopeless at times.. I felt like I lost myself.. I felt dependent on people for the dumbest things. Shout out to Justine for tying my shoes countless times..

smh..

But it made me appreciate the fact that I still have every other working limb. That in 4 weeks, I will be healed. Where as others won’t. Where mine seems so minor compared to others. I could only imagine the pain the suffering others with major health issues face. I pray for them, and I will continue to pray for them. When something is taken from you it affects you emotionally, and some times those emotions get the best of you.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I appreciate every single client, gym goer, and just random strangers, that try to boost my moral each and every day. It has been so heart warming to know that even if people are just being nosy, they took the time to ask how I was doing. It really has made me so much more appreciative of the life I live.

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Oh boy.

Second Iphone stolen within 3 months. No insurance, like an idiot. Why? because with the insurance, my bill would exceed $150 a month.. Thought I wouldn’t have to deal with another jackass… I thought wrong.

It’s been almost a week without one. Not that it matters TOO much without having a phone.. but boy do I take it for granted. I can no longer nap because my dumbass has no alarm to wake me up. My clients cancel and I have no way of knowing. It’s the basic shit that I miss.. Not Facebook, Instagram or even Snapchat… I just want to be able to take a nap!

So, no photos of our Ice fishing trip to Wisconsin during Valentines day, no progress pictures, no duckface selfies… no nothing. Lost it all, again.

Smh.

On top of that, I am getting recertified as a personal trainer via NASM. They give you 180 days to complete and pass the test. My boss told me I needed it in 60 days. A week or two ago, it was no longer 60 days, but rather 27. If that doesn’t put stress on someone, I don’t know what will. It’s terrifying really. Not because I lack confidence which we all know.. but because I suck at taking tests and I really needed that time. I paid $800 for it and IF I don’t pass, it’s another $200 to try again. No, not being pessimistic, just laying it out there..

So.. I’m sure you can tell I am stressed out like a MF! Everything is taking a toll on me. My boss comes up to me and starts hounding me about the test and how I need it within the next week and a half.. I blew up at him. I have been such a basket case, that I feel like I can no longer control my emotions. I felt horrible. I still do. I apologize and got him a GC shortly after because I was so embarrassed about my actions…

Needless to say, Friday is my first therapist appointment. I need to talk to someone.. I need to get everything out and have someone say, ‘youre not crazy”.. I need someone to give me something to work with because I am slowly self destructing.

Work outs have been good, and I have been staying on track. Although with everything going on, I am having a hard time eating. I have to literally force myself to eat. Any other time before this, I would have loved not having an appetite.. Yeah.. that was the anorexic me.. the fit me shoves food down my throat so I don’t lose the precious muscle I have been slaving for..

Shits rough right now, but I’ll get through it by the grace of God.

 

 

 

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