Category Archives: Fitness

Only time will tell.. 

It’s crazy to think how much time I’ve dedicated to this industry, and how I might have to walk away. I’ve simply lost my patience for people. No one wants to put in the work. Everyone wants a quick fix and I’m telling you if it existed, this world wouldn’t be as unhealthy as it is. 

I thought about it more as I was in spin class. I thought of how it sucked, and how the pain I was enduring burned incredibly. I thought of how easy it was to give up, but really what was I giving up on? Myself, that’s what. I am doing this for me. Regardless of the ulterior motive I may have, at the end of the day this is for me. You have to WANT this. You have to WANT this for you. 

I met a young girl today, 21 years old. She was doing abs and said how she does 500 of them every other day. I get to talking with her and after hearing she won’t give up drinking, I give her some advice. I then tell her who I am and if she had any questions, to feel free to ask. I gave her as much information I could in a quick 10 minute conversation. I apologized for talking so much, she thanked me for doing so.

   

I just want people to educate themselves. I beat myself up over the fact that I didn’t try in high school, and how if I knew better I would have done better. I starved, I puked, I destroyed not only my metabolism but my way of thinking. I saw “results”, and continued doing what I had been doing.. Which sadly, most people do. They see the number on the scale go down, and think what they’re doing is working. It’s frustrating. It’s even more frustrating dealing with clients that SHOULD know better, but think they know more. Although I have been doing this for awhile, I don’t know everything. But even with that being said, I know enough to help these people help themselves and yet it’s never fast enough.. Quick enough.. Nothing is ever good enough and one day I might just start believing that. 

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The fuel I may have needed. 

It’s only been a few days since I experienced a life changing situation. I still don’t know how I feel about it. What I do know, is even if my questions don’t seem to be answered at this very moment, it’s just that. A moment. I will not allow my past to take precedence over my future. 

It’s time I feed this fire. 

Mama Indigo 

The best thing you can do is master the chaos in you. You are not thrown into the fire, you are the fire.

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K. Foli 

How did you know you’re a healer? 

Because I kept falling in love with broken people..

Then why are you alone?

Because I’m broken too, so I’m falling in love with myself to get a taste of my own medicine.

Still keeping quiet. 

My mind still races a mile a minute. I don’t think that will ever change, nor do I think I want it too. 
My body, much like my mind, is out of control.

Much like my life. 

However, I’m still treading water and have become great at doing so. 
  
Currently tracking food: Day 30. Trying to keep as many calories down as possible. My body is fighting. 

I want to get organized enough to track and post, so everyone can experience a healthy way of achieving whatever body you imagine yourself to have. I want to continue sharing my past disordered days, with well a little less disordered way of life. I went from starving skinny fat, to loving living healthfully. Why over work (“cardio bunnies”) and under eat, when you don’t have to? Being “fit”, doesn’t have to suck. Enjoy the journey, your journey. 

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You’re still in control,

but don’t for one second think you have won. I am simply being proactive instead of reactive for once in my life. I have zero idea of what you’re capable of anymore, but we both know my safety isn’t a care of yours. 

I wish so deeply that I could write freely. So much is going on, I wish I could journal my way through some of it. Maybe I should write as I would, but save the posts for a better time? Whatever I choose to do, I feel as though I am walking a fine line because when push comes to shove, I enjoy a good pissing contest. I just hope I don’t upset myself and post out of anger. 

One things for certain, my talks with God sure are getting longer. 

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Filters don’t just stop at pictures..

I wish I could be more honest here. I’m truly afraid of my safety, so I have to filter everything. This isn’t like a journal a would keep at home, knowing its out of harms way.. It’s just going to take time before I can truly open up with the pain I am going through..

Until then, filter on.. 

I wrote the paper, actually edited it and turned it into my psychology teacher the last day of class. Meaning, class is over. Meaning, my psychology teacher is no longer my psychology teacher. Instead, she’s my therapist. My first meeting with her was yesterday, and it was literally like reading my entire paper to her. Everything I wrote in that paper is a complete description of the turmoil I have found myself in. So although it was the first meeting, and her already having an inside scoop, it was truly comforting. It felt like she’s been with me the entire time, and I have felt very alone during this journey. 

I am finishing up a few other doctor apts regarding my health this week, literally an appointment every day. It’s exhausting, but feelin like shit sucks worse.

Thanks for all the love on the recent posts. It’s nice to read kind words when you’ve focused solely on the negative ones for so long.. 

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Maybe I’ll read the essay I wrote, 

and I’ll share it here. It’s less than 5,000 words (for now), regarding the most significant parts of my life. For everyone who knows, I struggle with writing, for I am my own worst critic. I write, delete then write some more, only to delete the entire thing. My writing, like myself, is truly a work in progress.. 

  

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Truth is..

I’m pretty sure my mom has stayed home from work lately because she thinks I’m suicidal. 

Truth is, I don’t know if I am. I pray to God every night to take me because I won’t take myself. It’s as though I feel like this isn’t my life to take, if that makes sense.

I’m done keeping this shit locked up. It’s for once I open up whole heartedly. Pathetic as it sounds, it’s as if I feel comfort in the online world, because my reality is spiraling out of control. 

I’ll be back.

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Scholarship essay. Learning.

Writing an essay means researching the topic. Luckily for some, the topic is on oneself. With that being said, I’ve currently written this essay a dozen times and still can’t manage to save a draft. Writing about something so close to me, makes me come off as cheesey and that’s the last thing I want. I want people to read this and feel the passion that I have for the health (fitness) and the wellness field. Hopefully you can tell by the end of this what has motivated me, why I myself could use the help and how I will help not only the community I live in, but as many people everywhere that I can.

I’ve been working as a personal trainer for about 5 years now, and in doing so, I’ve realized how truly amazing it is to impact someone’s life. Someone who may be battling the same demons I once did. I may be living paycheck to paycheck, but I’m helping people help themselves, and no amount of money could bring the same amount of joy. I’ve struggled with finding myself worth, wondering if I can actually make a difference. Know a days, everyone is a trainer or some sort of guru. I, for one, want to stand out. I don’t just want to fall in the cracks of this every growing industry, preaching anything just to make a few dollars. Being a trainer for as long as I have, I now know that this isn’t just physical. That there is no magic pill, that every part of this process is mental and emotional. In order for me to help the way I need to help, I need to be taught. I attend classes taught by people like Frank Ardito, and it gives me goose bumps. The knowledge that these people possess is overwhelming, yet so admirable. All I want is to be able to teach and bring knowledge to those who truly want it. Who want help to understand what is truly going on inside of them. What has given me hope in becoming who I’m meant to be has been continuing my education. Although, I didn’t go to college right after high school, I knew what I wanted to become. I knew I was going to be in the fitness industry for the rest of my life, and it still stands true today. The people I meet, the lives they’ve said I’ve helped change, the relationships, the success, the failures, the knowledge; it’s all been my motivation. It’s the guilt from not doing everything I could to attend college post high school, which has put my dreams on hold. I know it may sound like an excuse, but it’s the truth. Without a proper education, I feel like I am not giving everything I can to my clients. People want to see that you know what you are talking about, so I want to feel like I know what I am talking about. Like Albert Einstein once said, “Any fool can know. The point is to understand.” I want to be taught the things I need to know, because as much as I feel my personal experiences help greatly, I can’t be naïve to the fact that I have a lot to learn.

“There is no end to education. It is not that you read a book, pass an examination, and finish with education. The whole of life, from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is a process of learning- Jiddu Krishnamurti”. I may not have much, I may be 25 still living at home, I may feel stuck most days, but what I do have is the ability to see past the struggles, and understand that each day I continue to do what I was meant to do, is going to have such a great return in the end.

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