I have been having anxiety lately.
From the shower, to today at work and I am praying that inside I’ll feel okay. Because in my heart, I know it will be.
I have been reading a few blogs lately, so I get the feel of WordPress, and the blogs I do check out are normally fitness based (same goes for instagram and pinterest). Browsing the blogs have made me open my eyes to the similarities in my life, to other peoples. To see someone blogging about going through what I have gone through, makes me a little on edge. I am a very emotional person and it’s hard not being able to comfort someone going through what they are going through and knowing how they feel. I guess maybe I should be a tad bit more open.. I’ve battled eating disorders for 8 years now, everything from Bulimia, Anorexia, to Binge Eating to BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). I’ll go more in depth about it down the road, but I did want to mention a little something about it. And to everyone that IS going through something like this, get in touch with someone, or write it all down. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I was going to gain control on my own. And gain control I did. You have to BELIEVE that you are better then this. That FOOD WILL NOT CONTROL YOUR LIFE LIKE IT HAS BEEN. No joke. STOP EATING SHIT. I probably ate over 5,000 calories a day and I did that for 2 weeks. Whatever the FUCK I wanted, I ate it and BOY did it all taste so FUCKING GOOD! I never weighed myself but my clothes fit horribly, I felt horrible, and you best believe I fucking looked horrible. I straight up stopped giving a shit, and not just about anything but MYSELF. The only thing I have in this world, the only thing that can make me happy, I was slowly destroying. I have no idea why (I have a slight idea how it all started but that is another page, another day). I was in a horrible funk, my mother knew and it was embarrassing because I ate A L O T . She even said “Marissa you should feel lucky, with how much you ate you should be well over 200lbs”… and she was right. It felt disgusting having extra weight on my body, it was an unnatural feeling and I HATED IT). Then one day I quit smoking cold turkey. I binged for 4 weeks and the day that marked one month of not one puff, I asked God to help me and I just stopped. Just like my addiction to nicotine, I quit my addiction to sugar, to food, just like that. I took back control of my life and have never felt stronger.
It’s 1130am, don’t worry I’ve been up already. Made some blueberry (and blackberry) breakfast cakes and they weren’t as good as I expected. It was nice to eat carbs but it was really bland. I ended up trying to added Sugar Free raspberry jelly.. it was OK (I bet if I added PB and the Sugar Free Jelly it would of tasted ALOT better.. I’ll try it when I get downstairs), I tried it with sprinkled stevia on top (probably the best), and Sugar Free Syrup. LOL… so obviously it was added calories…… GRRR.. OH and I added too many blueberries.. such a thing? yeah….
It looks ALOT better then it tasted
So I’m gonna lay around and be a bum till my next meal (2pm), make cauliflower pizza (YUM!) then head to the gym to do arms.. which is my least favorite 😦 (only because I don’t have definition like I’d like).
Around 230pm I made my cauliflower pizza, and of course it was amazing. I did add a little cayenne pepper and red pepper to the crust. Honestly, the smell that came from the oven when I opened it was A M A Z I N G. You guys NEED to make this.. yes its a little pain in your ass , but it is worth it.
So I waited till that digested a bit.. oh yeah, my pictures just finished uploading and I forget to mention that I almost ate an entire bag of corn. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t stop. Okay, I could of stopped but I didn’t want to. It was just so fucking good.
(Getting rid of this Earth Balance shit. It has some weird shit in it and I don’t like it, even if its vegan).
Got to the gym @ 3:45pm. Started with Barbell (BB) bicep curls for 3 rounds of 12 reps @ 30lbs. In between I did standing skull crushers, so 3 rounds of 10 reps @ 20lbs. Not going to lie.. I was already dying at this point.
I then moved to the cable machines. I haven’t used cables in a while but I love them (especially for arms). I did 6 sets of triceps pushdowns
- Set 1: 12 reps x 60 lbs
- Set 2: 12 reps x 60 lbs
- Set 3: 12 reps x 70 lbs (was actually still pretty light right here)
- Set 4: 10 reps x 80 lbs
- Set 5: 7-8 reps x 90 lbs
- Set 6: 5 reps x 10 100 lbs
In between sets 1, 2 and 3 I did 10 bench dips.
After this, my triceps were on fire. I moved over to a different cable machine because I couldn’t move the bar down and I needed to for the next excerise. I started with 50 lbs and did a cable bicep curl moved up to 60 lbs but only did 3 sets. I went into the yoga room and did 3 sets of Dumbbell (DB) bicep curls followed with burps (with shoulder press- bosu ball). I was sweating and it hurt so bad. I finished with planks and couldn’t move. Caught my breath, and drove home =D
Immediately made a green smoothie. I mixed the ALIVE! pea protein powder, L-Carnitine, Almond Milk, Water, Mangoes, Strawberries, and a small banana. Doesn’t taste bad actually. =D
The longer I’m blogging and reading other blogs I am actually pretty excited about how everything is going. I am going to clean my room and finish laundry. I’m going to make Turkey Meatballs for dinner and relax with a nice bubble bath, I’m feeling pretty sore.. I do wanna post a separate blog regarding Running, L-Carnitine and Trigger Foods. Maybe if I get bored tonight I’ll write an extra blog ❤
625pm Just finished up making a turkey meatloaf.. Meatloaf not meat loaf muffins.. I wanted to try something different (and hopefully the cooking time is the same) and put it in a semi circle glass ware and put a think layer of ketchup on the top.. Hmmmm in 40 min well see I guess. This blog has been pretty boring because I have been pretty boring, and I apologize about that. It will start getting interesting when I start putting progress pictures and I get closer to my compeition date.
HOLY SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT THE MEATLOAF!
Lol.. it was actually a good thing I went downstairs. The TIME SHUT OFF! ugh! lol I had to guess and check, but it turned out great! a little dry but it was actually really good. I had a portion 😉
(sorry don’t know why and how I can change the view.. lol)..
Alright its about 9:30pm. I’m going to head to bed, so I can wake up for church tomorrow. I am also going to make healthy sugar cookies.. yeah remember how I said I don’t eat sugar anymore?? hmmm maybe I lied. 😉 lol Look how cute they look..