Tag Archives: Binge

Grasping for air.

A lot has happened in the last week and it’s finally coming to an end.

Atleast that’s what I’m telling myself. Because I can’t stay in this hole any longer..

It’s not healthy.
Nor am I happy.

I’m far from happy.
Like, far far.

I sit here.. A week into a binge and purge roller coaster. An ENTIRE week.

I was fine, doing so well.. Food was on point. I was doing what I could workout wise. My head was clear.

Then I get injured.
Shattered knuckle.

That’s it. Nothing crazy..Nothing life altering.

Or, well.. So I thought.

Made the best of it, even 4 weeks post operation.. Then last week, I felt like my life was just swept with a deep dark sense of sadness…

Then the demons arrived.

I started seeing a therapist maybe two months or so ago just for straight life guidance (I think a lot) and I remember specifically one of the first things he asked was if fitness wasn’t a part of my life anymore, though it didn’t take long for me to reply it felt like a no brainer.. It won’t. I will ALWAYS be involved and super interested in the fitness industry.

End of story.

Wrong..
More like just beginning.

Fast Forward two weeks, I shatter my knuckle. FF another two weeks, I had the surgery. A surgery in which was suppose to be 15 minutes, turned into 2 and 1/2 hours.

After that, even just the day after, when I returned in pain and the dr said they had wrapped the splint too right.. I still had high hopes. But soon it turned from an it what it is situation, to wtf did I just get myself into??!!

Bad vibes from doctors, painful experiences.. Take for example the picture was taken this past Wednesday. The Dr (who I’ve been seeing and haven’t been to fond of) had someone shadow him then leave the room to have him stitch me. I get that may be a requirement to know what to do, but this guy .. Let’s just say had some trouble. Like, walking out, grabbing an assistant kind of trouble. It was a bad time..

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The week of the last pin removal, really hit me hard. Everything just flooded my head with negativity. I had just interviewed for a really good job, but called back and asked for my application to be put on hold, knowing with surgeries PT and basically not being at able to perform at my best, wasn’t good qualities of a new hire..

I got into a car accident. Backed up into a guy who said he saw me but thought he could move around me..

The thought of my hand never being the same again constantly triggered mood swings..

Feeling helpless, ALL THE TIME.

Self destructing, falling back into old habits.

It was one thing after another and I couldn’t control it. I had given up that power.

2 months ago I was doing push ups in my room for fun, timing handstands and planks.. Now I could barely dress myself, tie my shoes..

Everything.. just like that.. Taken away.

I know maybe I’m being dramatic.. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe.. But what I do know, is I’m a girl whose been so insecure from the moment I could remember and has dealt with body image issues for just as long… Understand and grasp the harsh reality that my happiness seems to be directly related to my body issue..

And this surgery.. An obstacle if you will, made me realize just how caught up I am in all of this..

..how I’ve been LETTING the fight consume me.

This time, I’m fighting back!

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Live love LIFT!

I got the go ahead to lift lower body!

It’s been a few weeks, and I could not be happier.. Like I’ve previously mentioned, my “diet” has kept me from spiraling into a depression. I went 30 days without a chest meal, and had one last Friday. I’ve been wanting pizza and my wish was granted. Everything felt fine. My stomach did turn just a bit but I held everything together. A few hours later, we indulged in some frozen yogurt and I’ll have to say, I felt a tad guilty. I’m not sure if it was because it was late at night, but I felt I went a bit overboard. The next day however, I was back to eating like normal (instead of usually continuing the binge).

Today, a few days later.. I feel better than ever. I started tracking my food which helps in holding myself accountable.

Slowly adding in cardio but for now my focus is on lifting lower body. I’ll check in soon!

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Nothing new.

Besides what seemed like my whole life crashing down, I seem to have regained my balance. I went this whole week with great work outs and fantastic eating. This weekend, though, was a different story. I wanted to have 2 cheat meals, instead I practically ate shitty the entire time. Today, I am regretting the entire thing. I am feeling like complete crap. My stomach is hurting and I can’t seem to take enough medicine to help it. This vicious cycle of clean eating, turn binge is causing a lot more damage than keeping me sane. Doing quite the opposite actually. I have said this before and I will say it again, I am going to deal with the consequences but I will no longer beat myself up. Though I feel like I look like shit on top of actually feeling like shit, I need to KEEP, not even take, but keep my head out of my ass. I see what this does to me, yet do this all the time. When will I ever learn?

Starting tomorrow, Monday I am adding two (30-45) minutes of cardio in a week. I will keep my calories at about 2000 to ensure energy through out this process. I was actually contemplating whether I should do more work (cardio) or take down my calories. All of a sudden, I see a post from Erin Stern that very day speaking out about what she does. It makes the most sense. Do more work, keeping energy up for that work, then when time comes, take a few hundred calories off a day. Most likely drop to about 1700 but really all depends on how I look. I am about 3ish months out. If any one has competed knows that magic could happen in that amount of time. Knowing this, I still get bummed out. Summer is over and I wasn’t at my tip-top shape. I wasn’t happy to be in a bikini. Although, I know I looked okay, I didn’t feel great. It’s a little disappointing. But let me tell you, if I wasn’t competing, I would have stepped my game up. I would have done cardio more than once a week, and most likely dropped my calories down to look good. I didn’t want that.

But I struggle each and every day knowing that I completely 100% do.

It is so easy telling everyone around you to trust the process, but damn if it’s not easier said than done…. I look at myself and see so much that needs to be done but in due time. I just want to be lean already!!!! Its frustrating. You know what you could look like and what it’s going to take to get there, yet you look in the mirror and need to say, alright.. one day at a time. It WILL happen. Enjoy this ride..

Really? Thats almost as bad as baking brownies and needing to wait till they cool down to eat them.

Fail.

I feel like this process never gets any easier. This is literally a full-time job and I am getting burnt out. Thats why I took a week off last week, and now I have missed 2 work outs because of it. I feel lazy and unimpressed with my progress. I am consumed with looking and feeling good and its something that I have yet to control. This is not only my hobby, but my job. It is like i know nothing else. Dealing with eating disorders and insecurities it has now merged and become one with my life. If I feel fat, my whole day and attitude is ruined. I take it out on other people in which I apologize, but who really gets affected by this, is myself. I am bipolar as all hell. No, not medically diagnosed, but its a no brainer. I eat shit because of my fuck it attitude, I cry because I then feel like I ruined my progress, I work out hard as hell, then get dumped on by some other lifes curveball and I feel like all I do is take it out on myself.

Life is not easy. I feel like it is a constant struggle to keep my head above water, but I will be damned if I give up this fight. Everyday does NOT get easier, you just find ways to cope. I am going to do my best to stay positive. This road to ripped is sure a long haul but I cannot wait for my destination.

 

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Birthday, Binging and Bitching.

Well well well.. If you would look at that… what’s it been.. over a week now?

In that case, lets take a look into what I have been doing, or have not been doing with a little recap, and random as hell pictures I have taken through out the week…

So, life caught up to me and I have been having a lot of ups and downs. Still trying to feel afloat and stay positive thru everything that’s been thrown at me. I guess that’s all you can do right? A long story short, the week drastically turned for the worse when I visited my college looking for a few answers and was left with nothing. Literally nothing. No financial aid, nothing. I have no idea what went wrong but without help I cannot afford to go. Though, I am taking that with a grain a salt and focusing on spending that time studying for my NASM certificate. My certification that I have now, doesn’t expire for a little less than a year, but I want to refresh myself. I also want a more recognized certification, not some run of the mill one that I currently have.

Progress shot, before I went all ape shit on thousands of calories..

Progress shot, before I went all ape shit on thousands of calories..

Spent friday before work, walking pitbulls at a rescue.

Spent Friday before work, walking pit bulls at a rescue.

After school took a dump on me, I was feeling insecure about the relationship I have with my boyfriend. Things have been super rocky and this takes a total toll on my life. I can’t allow that anymore. I am done over analyzing and not trusting him. Because in the end, I AM THE ONE SUFFERING!!! I am no longer holding my true self hostage over some one else. Yes, I still love him and will love him and will continue the relationship as long as its healthy, but no more doing what I have been doing to myself. Nope. Not going to happen. I would rather lose the relationship than myself.

Yes, some of these pictures are going to have nothing to do with what I am talking about. But thats because telling you what I ate, is well.. rather boring. So instead, just look.  Greek yogurt, blueberries and Kashi cereal.

Yes, some of these pictures are going to have nothing to do with what I am talking about. But that’s because telling you what I ate, is well.. rather boring. So instead, just look.
Greek yogurt, blueberries and Kashi cereal.

Whole Wheat pasta, Ground Turkey and Tomatoes.

Whole Wheat pasta, Ground Turkey and Tomatoes.

Eating a ton of Quest Bars lately. JUST GOT THE WHITE CHOCOLATE RASPBERRY!!!!

Eating a ton of Quest Bars lately. JUST GOT THE WHITE CHOCOLATE RASPBERRY!!!!

Lets jump around to another day shall we? One night we went to his buddies house, after we got some food at Jason’s Deli. I got a whole wheat wrap with spinach and turkey. Or should I say, a spinach wrap with a side of turkey. I was a little disappointed. Had mixed steamed veggies on the side as well. Though shortly after, my stomach started hurting. I ended up spending the entire time on the total debating whether I should move, or if I was in fact going to puke. Lets just say, I made it to the couch safe and sound. Now, this wasn’t exciting but this lead to my binging.

Binged on these too. Healthy or not. Recipe is from Chocolate Covered Katie:     2 cups spelt flour (250g) (All-purpose also works, and a reader had success with Bob’s gf mix plus 1 tsp xantham gum)     1/2 tsp plus 1/8 tsp salt     1/2 tsp cinnamon     2 tsp baking powder     1/2 cup sugar of choice or xylitol (100g)     pinch pure stevia, or 2 tbsp more sugar of choice     1 tbsp apple cider vinegar or white vinegar (15g)     1 cup milk of choice (240g)     1 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract (6g)     3 tbsp vegetable or coconut oil (30g)     1 1/3 cups fresh blueberries (165g) Preheat oven to 350 F, and grease a muffin tin or line with muffin liners. In a large mixing bowl, combine first 6 ingredients very well. In a separate bowl, whisk together all remaining ingredients except blueberries. Pour wet into dry, stir until just evenly mixed, and then add the blueberries. Gently stir again, but only until evenly mixed. It’s important to not over-stir and break the berries. Pour into the muffin tins and bake 19 minutes. Muffins should look perfectly domed when you take them out. Allow to sit 10 minutes before removing from the tins. Makes 14-15 muffins.

Binged on these too. Healthy or not. Recipe is from Chocolate Covered Katie:
2 cups spelt flour (250g) (All-purpose also works, and a reader had success with Bob’s gf mix plus 1 tsp xantham gum)
1/2 tsp plus 1/8 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup sugar of choice or xylitol (100g)
pinch pure stevia, or 2 tbsp more sugar of choice
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar or white vinegar (15g)
1 cup milk of choice (240g)
1 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract (6g)
3 tbsp vegetable or coconut oil (30g)
1 1/3 cups fresh blueberries (165g)
Preheat oven to 350 F, and grease a muffin tin or line with muffin liners. In a large mixing bowl, combine first 6 ingredients very well. In a separate bowl, whisk together all remaining ingredients except blueberries. Pour wet into dry, stir until just evenly mixed, and then add the blueberries. Gently stir again, but only until evenly mixed. It’s important to not over-stir and break the berries. Pour into the muffin tins and bake 19 minutes. Muffins should look perfectly domed when you take them out. Allow to sit 10 minutes before removing from the tins. Makes 14-15 muffins.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Quest Bar. Ftw.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Quest Bar. Ftw.

Yes, you read that right. I, for the first time in MONTHS, binged. I believe it started Sunday night, or mid afternoon. I don’t know what got into me, but after going a month without cheat meals, I went crazy. Waffles and ice cream, chocolate up the ass. Literally.. carbs for days. I don’t know if I was just drained, mentally.. or deprived.. or depressed.. but I definitely stress ate the fuck out of everything in sight. Maybe it was because I knew my birthday was only days away.. but then again that would just be a validation and fuck those. So.. Monday was an all or nothing.. then it led to Tuesday as well. By Wednesday (my birthday), I believe I was alright. I got a work out in (the first one of the week) and continued to eat good.. That is till I got home. I told my boyfriend I was binging (which is the first time I have ever admitted to it) and he felt pretty bad. I think it was because he ended up bringing a pie over (again, for my birthday) and didn’t want me to feel anymore guilty. But let me tell you. I was looking forward to it and regardless of whatever was going on inside my head, it was birthday and I was going to eat it regardless.

Birthday dinner @ Texas de Brazil.

Birthday dinner @ Texas de Brazil.

So, I spent my birthday pretty low key. Hung around the house, got to sleep pretty early. Thursday I had to be up at 4am because I had to wash my spray tan off (L O L) and had clients starting around 5am. Eating wise, I did okay. Snuck a few bites of pie in but nothing too crazy. Wonder why? well let me just cure your curiosity. The boy and I went to an all you can eat meat buffet. Yep. Texas de Brazil 🙂 I knew that going on an empty stomach wasn’t the smartest idea, as you may or may not believe. So I made sure I ate a little previously to eating dinner. THe night didn’t go as planned but I am not going to go into detail about it because I plan on moving on and remembering the good times. After we left for dinner, we rented a movie and got a small thing of ice cream. He mentioned going to the casino but by this time it was around 11pm and anyone that knows me even the slightest bit knows that by 11pm I want to pass the F out.. However.. I was actually open to the idea. After bumming around for 30 minutes we headed out. We only spent about an hour there. The first machine we sat down next to, I ended up winning $75. That was nice. Considering I have been to many casinos and HAVE NEVER WON BEFORE! I ended up cashing out, giving the boo back $20 and kept $40 in my pocket so I would be up all night. Left the casino and headed to bed.

Now we have today. Ate a pretty healthy “breakfast” at around 2pm and hung out with each other till I hate to leave for work at 3. I got to work and trained 2 clients, and then….. had 6 cancellations. Yep. So I ended up half assing a work out, went to the store for a few things and arrived home around 7:30pm.

Now.. a recap of what I have learned this week:

I needed to take a break from eating as clean as I did for 4 weeks.
I cannot depend on someone for my own happiness.
I can eat a lot.

Basically that sums up everything. But since this is a road to ripped, fitness enthused blog. I wanted to take a little look into what this week really meant. I believe that everything happens for a reason. That being said, I truly believe I needed this week “off” to gain control back. I needed to take a look at myself, whether it was in disgust (I mean.. come on. How would you feel THOUSANDS OF CALORIES later???), or in a positive manner. I ended up gaining 7 lbs and although I felt like crap the days I ate like crap (coincidence?), I was physically and mentally drained. I am currently 13 weeks out from another bikini show (which is a huge amount of time), and excited to get back on track. Because although I was LOVING the progress I was making, everything seemed like a chore to me. I was excited about working out (WHEN I was working out) but prior everything about the day was just annoying me. Prepping my meals, working out for however long, dealing with people and clients who didn’t take training seriously, or whatever it was… it was on my last nerve.

7lbs heavier. Just another reason to get my head out of my ass.

7lbs heavier. Just another reason to get my head out of my ass.

So, what I am trying to say, is that sometimes we all need just a mini “vaca” away from our every day life once in a while. Especially if you are competing or working out tremendously throughout the week, you have to LISTEN to your body. NO! I am NOT saying to binge in any way shape or form.. but give yourself a break. If you want a PB&J sandwich.. have that motherfucking PB&J sandwich. This is LIFE.. you are supposed to enjoy it. Don’t fall victim to becoming obsessive and unhealthy about what you are doing. Training should give you a mental toughness on what you can endure. It is a way of life. It is supposed to help motivate you to make healthier decisions, to live longer, to be HAPPY and in LOVE with the person that’s looking back at you in mirror. Try to find a balance. We all just need to find a balance.

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The life of a Fitness Freak!

Finally.. a night where no alarms are set and NO obligations tomorrow. So what better to do on a Friday night at 9:53pm than to blog? Well not only do I have nothing to do (nor do I want to do anything) but I took a nap around 6:30 for about an hour and half. Not too smart of an idea because I have a feeling I will be up quite late :/ No worries. I will be in bed all night. That, or on the floor doing burpees, planks, pushups and sit ups ;D

Not kidding either.

I worked from 8am to around 2:30. My longest Saturday since working at the gym. Most people don’t like working out on the weekends which is weird. Not weird I guess, just different from my last experience at a gym. I don’t mind though. Usually it means I get the whole weekend off. I pretty much worked straight through, client after client. But scheduled around a 9am spin class. It was nice. I left about 10 minutes early to make sure I had enough time to change and to eat my post work out meal.

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Tuna, sweet potatoes and a banana. Yum (or not).

I had 2 cancellations at the end which were a bummer. Mostly because it wasted an hour of which I could have saved a little more energy to get a work out in. Instead I waited around. Spent a little more time with a previous client, then left shortly after. Being in the gym for as long as I am, I am getting use to (and loving) at home work outs. Again, mostly burpees, planks, push ups, tricep dips, other core work, body weight squats, and kettle bell (db swings). I have a few weights but nothing to extreme, so I am playing around with different rep schemes and tempos. I need to invest in more resistance bands and KB’s. I think this will also help me help clients when they are too busy to get in the gym. I had a client today say that he gets off track when he doesn’t work out. So knowing that, I HAVE A SOLUTION! NO MORE EXCUSES!!

So not much going on tonight. Since I didn’t get a work out in at the gym (besides the 50 minutes of spin class, aka cardio) and I have already taken 2 rest days this week, I got a little proactive. I went to the park and did some pull ups and rows then came home and did “lawnmowers” for a couple of sets. I want to get a picture, or at least a video, because my back is coming in real well. Even JP said something. I mentioned how I was 150lbs and he was like no way?! So I marched my happy ass over to the scale and 151 with my clothes and shoes on (also about 3 meals in and a ton of liquids. If you plan on weighing yourself I suggest doing it in the morning right when you wake up. Okay, after you go to the bathroom that is). I don’t mind being 150. Like you may know, I have suffered from many eating disorders. The scale was the enemy and would ruin my day if I was not under such and such pounds. Not anymore. I never weigh myself. Instead, I go by how I look and feel. The scale is meaningless to me. Anyways, so after I was done weighing myself, Jp commented on my back and how it looks great. Always a nice feeling to hear a compliment here and there 😉

So that is my Friday night. Just enjoying my bed and making sure I stick to my word and blog since I knew I wouldn’t yesterday.

We left for the track around 6:30pm. I finished with my client a little early and got home, changed and packed my lunch box. LOL. Ohhhh why you ask? Remember? 4 week no cheat for this little lady! I wonder if I can do it. Actually, I will do. Just to say that I can. Now.. This means no cheat meal. However, I stole a handful of popcorn yesterday and although no clean, I still don’t consider it a cheat. It’s little things like that, that will keep you sane. I promise you. You want something, have it. Because it will be a downward spiral if you don’t. Even today, my last client and I were talking. He gained 25lbs since really staying consistent with me. I weighed and did his body fat and surprisely only about 50% was from fat, the other muscle. Which made him feel a little better. But we got to talking about how he would actually binge. Not many guys would admit that, but at least I could help him through it.

Anywhooooo..

Oh, just sitting in the car eating.

Oh, just sitting in the car eating.

Since I am not having a cheat meal till my birthday, I knew that the track would be a little tease. I usually get a burger but.. not this time 😦 The boy actually wanted a funnel cake but I made him get a beer instead so I wasn’t tempted. LOL! He wasn’t happy with me. But.. it is what it is. I ended up packing 2 quest bars, carrots blueberries and strawberries. I should have packed a little more or at least ate more because I was STARVING. We had a good time. His friend ended up getting a spot in the hat races and made it all the way till the final round! So, we ended up there quite late. I didn’t mind… For once. We had a good time. I did get upset for a minute or two because I was in the car with another one of his friends girlfriends chilling in the A/C (LOL)  and a situation got brought up that I had dealt with the day before. I am trying this whole “trust” thing and all of a sudden this gets brought up again. I was instantly not happy. I almost don’t even want to go into detail because i don’t want to give them the satisfication of knowing it pisses me off. I handled the situation pretty well, I’d say. Usually I’d freak and blow up at them but figured that’s exactly what they wanted. So.. I am choosing to be the bigger person and to be honest, it feels good.

It was beautiful out. That, or a sick filter!

It was beautiful out. That, or a sick filter!

MMMM Camaro.

MMMM Camaro.

The last race was our boy and this corvette that seemed to be smoking the competition. They ended up talking before the final race and the guy wanted land. WHICH I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BUT I KNEW WAS BULLSHIT. Our guy ended up losing but it was a close race. Honestly, a good time. We left around 11:30/12 and headed to Buffalo WIld Wings to grab some food because I was starving. I ended up getting a salad, but not before I ordered celery and carrots with our drinks (seriously, I was starving). The salad was pretty good. I was debating between a wrap and this, but decided I could do without the carbs (and the wrap doesn’t have much chicken). So I figured if I was going to consume the extra calories of the ranch dressing (on the side), I would rather skip the extra carbs and go with more protein. After we were done, we went home and passed out around 1:30/2am. About 4 hours before I had to be up. Maybe that’s why I am always tired. Ugh. But.. got up no problem and started my day.

BUFFALO WILD WINGS FTW!

BUFFALO WILD WINGS FTW!

Food for the day (Spaced throughout the day. Just didn’t track the time):
Quest bar on the way to work.
Tuna, some sweet potatoes, and a banana post spin class.
1/2 c WW pasta, 99% lean ground turkey and some organic pasta sauce 2 hours later.
Blueberries and carrots not too long after that.
Another serving of the pasta mentioned above.
1/2 (or a little more. Now that I get the big container of yogurt [cheaper], I have to measure it all out and that’s just a pain when you can get the convenience of the cups) with strawberries and blueberries.
1 Kind bar (dark chocolate, nuts and sea salt. MY FAVE).
1/4c sweet potatoes.
25 Almonds.
Oh, and some Gatorade during spin.

Now.. not too sure what I want to eat next. I haven’t had eggs in a while. Maybe I will eat that with some cottage cheese. Maybe this is why I am not losing weight lol. I am not really paying attention to my calorie intake and barely doing cardio (AND EATING TOO MANY ALMONDS!!!!!). I think this week has been the most cardio I have done. I know I did a 30 minute, a 15, and a 45 min session. Maybe do some more tomorrow but don’t want to do too much. I am still pretty far out from the show I am training for (yes, I said training for not necessarily doing lol). So I will take my time and enjoy the time I don’t have to do cardio because I have a feeling a lot more cardio is in my future :/

But.. you do what you gotta do to look good right? No real progress pictures today. Maybe I will tomorrow. I do still have a flat stomach (abs when flexing) this late at night which is a good sign. So we will see. Going to cook some food for my last meal and finish cleaning my room. Ohhhhh the exciting life I live.

;D

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Monday 36/83 (2/11)

I totally jinxed myself.

Saturday I went off my rocker. No, I jumped off that bitch.

Oh not following me? I “binged”. Not to the extent of which I have before but definitely consumed a shit load of calories thanks to none other than myself. All I did was sleep and eat chocolate and I would give it all back than have to endure the stomach pains all day sunday. After 2 hour increments of going to the bathroom, I woke up with a 4 month prego food baby looking stomach. I couldn’t even function right. I went to a couple of stores with my mom and had to leave early because the stomach pains just didn’t want to go away. So when I got home I chugged pepto and tried drinking some water. Nothing really helped except a heating pad for about 30 minutes.

I am so dumb. Literally a fucking idiot. Yes, I tell my clients not to worry and not to be upset after a binge or even a legit cheat meal but now I see how it’s so easily said then done. I feel worthless. I already have my doubts about this contest and I just threw it away for a day. Yes a day, so yes I sound like an idiot but I also feel like one. I have yet to do this the entire prep but it’s still no excuse. I have about 6.5 weeks left and here I go doing the destructive things I have done in the past. But it ends here. Maybe I just needed that, maybe it will work out for me in the end. I technically didn’t have a cheat meal last week so … a possible validation? Lol.. no.

That’s what you call an excuse ladies and gentleman!

But I am over it.

Planned my next couple of weeks which will be harder but I really want to start leaning out now. Hopefully my little abs want to make an appearance some time in the near future 🙂

So, even after my baby food drama the boyfriend and I went to sushi. LOL. Hmmm… rice when already bloated? Whatever, it is what it is. We did finish off some fried ice cream because apparently I am just a born fat ass at heart. No lie. We ended up just getting a movie and relaxing the rest of the night (aka I passed out).

Things are starting to get a little nerve-racking lately. By the end of the week things will have drastically changed (for the better, I hope) and change is hard to deal with at times. He (the bf) did mention how maybe all of this will make us work harder into moving in together and how he doesn’t feel any of this will change us. It is always nice to have a little reassurance..  so I am starting not to worry about us that much any more. I just can’t waste time on the unknown. I must have faith that we will be okay at the end of the day, because as much as I preach, everything will be okay in the end. Everything IS done for a reason, and anything meant to be will find a way. All I do know is that I love this man very much and frankly, that’s all that matters.

For now, I want to focus on myself. Get MY shit together and have everything else fall into place.

I have faith.

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(Healthy) Apple Pie Pancakes!

Apple Pie Pancakes

(Can be gluten-free!)

Inspired by these guys.

  • 1/3 cup flour (ww pastry, white, spelt, arrowhead mills’ gf mix, etc.)
  • 2 T rolled oats
  • 1/2 cup finely-chopped apple
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 2/3 tsp baking powder
  • 1/8 tsp salt
  • 1 tsp pure vanilla extract
  • 1 T sugar or 1 packet stevia (omit if you don’t want sweet pancakes)
  • 1/3 cup nondairy milk (or more, for  thinner pancakes)
  • If you don’t like the taste of fat-free pancakes, add 1 T oil or vegan butter, and reduce milk by that amount

Combine dry ingredients in a bowl, then add wet. Mix, but don’t over mix. Cook on an oiled (or sprayed) pan, on low-medium, flipping each pancake once.

 
I wonder if I could just put these in a muffin tin.. or a bundt cake tin..hmm.. guess and check eh? I steal all my recipes. I am not clever enough to come up with my own.. lmfao… this one is from chocolatecoveredkatie 🙂
 
Work outs and eating healthy/clean is still going strong. I have a boat party coming up in a few days downtown Chicago. A shit ton of people and me in a bikini. Awesome. Don’t know how I feel about it, but I sure as fuck will let you know when the day comes. My abs are coming back and I see definition in my legs (WHICH IM FUCKING STOKED ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), so my goal of being in tip top shape come my birthday looks like a good game plan (birthday is August 14th, a little less then a month). I am excited to see how I look. I haven’t done much cardio except last night I struggled with completing 45 minutes on the stair master.. but yep.. 45 minutesssss. Usually can finish 60 but I was DRENCHED. I was suppose to do yoga and cardio with a friend but shit got weird and then my phone died 😦 No bueno. Regardless, I had to do SOMETHING.. I wanted to kill Hams today and my upper body was sore as fuck for some reason but I know that if I don’t work do cardio in the early morning Friday that that will have to be a rest day because I am going to the race track 🙂
 
Here have been a couple meals & snacks I’ve had lately:

Apple Pie Quest Bar

I really haven’t portioned anything out or cut out fruit (because of the sugar).. I am learning to eat CLEAN (cept maybe that bratwurst lol).. I am not restricting myself anymore.. I don’t think I am doing a competition for awhile till I relearn how to eat. lol. But honestly a lot of my binges and my outbreaks have been because I chose to label food as good and bad. Now its healthy foods, whatever it is. Fruits galore (I love my fruit), almonds, Ezekiel bread whatever I want as long as its not processed or fast food. I don’t or haven’t thought about binging in forever.. I actually cant even remember the last time I did. I feel awesome. I feel proud 🙂
 
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Make Peace with Your Cravings to Drop More Pounds!

Do you struggle with cravings and wish you had the will power to cut out certain foods completely? When we work toward a healthy diet, so many of us think that making a list of food culprits and calling them off-limits will help us to succeed. However, if you take a deeper look at the psychology behind this flawed method, you’ll see so many reasons why adopting a ”good food” or ”bad food” attitude will never work.  Restricting certain foods won’t just make dieting miserable–it can also ruin your good intentions of getting healthy and losing weight. Making arbitrary rules about good and bad food isn’t the answer to lasting lifestyle change. Instead, use the tips below to build a better relationship with food, learn to master cravings, build self-control and enjoy all foods in moderation.

Stop Labeling Foods as ‘Good’ and ‘Bad’
For decades, behavior analysts have studied the effects of deprivation on people’s preferences for food, tangible items and activities. The majority of literature on this topic says that, when we’re deprived of something, we’re more likely to select that particular item from an array of choices. In a recent study conducted at the University of Toronto at Mississauga, researchers found that participants who were asked to restrict either high-carb or high-protein foods for three days reported higher cravings for the banned foods. So, if you label chocolate as evil and forbid it from your menu, you’ll be more likely to want it in any form.

The good news is that some level of satiation (satisfying your craving for a particular food) can actually help you to avoid overindulging more often than not. If you can be conscious about your eating and have just enough of your favorite chocolate bar to satisfy that craving, you’ll be much less tempted to dip into the candy jar on your co-worker’s desk or buy a sweet snack from the vending machine.

This information about deprivation seems like common sense, but you’ve probably heard from friends or fellow dieters that the first step in avoiding high-calorie foods is putting them out of your mind altogether. Not true! Researchers are realizing that suppressing thoughts about a particular food can cause an increase in consumption of that food. In a 2010 study, 116 women were split into three groups. The first group was asked to suppress thoughts about chocolate, the second group was asked to actively think about chocolate, and the third group was instructed to think about anything they wished. Afterward, each of the participants was given a chocolate bar. The women who had suppressed their thoughts about chocolate ate significantly more chocolate than the others, despite identifying themselves as more ”restrained eaters” in general. This just goes to show that ”out of mind” doesn’t necessarily always mean ”out of mouth.”

Dump the Idea of ‘Diet Foods’
Often, when people are trying to eat better, they start to categorize foods into those that are on their diet plan and those that are not. However, banning specific foods from your weight-loss plan may just make you crave them more.  According to an article published this year in the journal Appetite, a UK study of 129 women measured the cravings of those who were ”dieting” to lose weight, ”watching” to maintain their weight, and not dieting at all. The researchers found that, compared with non-dieters, dieters experienced stronger, more irresistible cravings for the foods they were restricting.

Noticing the difference between healthy and unhealthy options is definitely key in establishing a pattern of better eating. And, when you’re starting a weight-loss program, it does help to read food labels and menus carefully so that you can choose wisely. However, when you start to categorize specific foods such as candy, baked goods, alcohol and fried chicken as foods you can’t have, you’re setting yourself up for a backfire. The issue with labeling a food as a forbidden substance is that your thoughts immediately center on that particular item… and then you inadvertently start bargaining and rationalizing to get more of it. (How many times have you broken your ”diet rules” to reward a trip to the gym with chocolate or a long day at work with a cocktail or two?)

There are some diet plans out there that advocate choosing a particular day of the week as your ”cheat day”–a day when you can indulge in all the foods you’ve cut out during the week. But listing certain foods as ”cheats” or ”treats” can set up a scenario where you’re depriving yourself all week long and constantly looking to the future, waiting on the moment that you’ll be showered with your favorite forbidden goodies (like those commercials where fruit-flavored candies fall from a rainbow).

Besides causing you to crave, labeling certain foods as ”forbidden” makes it really difficult to be mindful of and content with the healthy food you’re eating most of the time. Instead of worrying about restricting foods, try to redirect your focus on creating the most delicious salad, grilling a succulent chicken breast or munching a juicy piece of fruit. If you turn your attention to the abundance of healthy options in front of you instead of weighing the pros and cons of particular foods, you’ll be more likely to really relish and rejoice in your everyday choices.

Make Sense of ‘Moderation’
You’ve heard the line a thousand times: Everything in moderation. But what does this phrase really mean and how can you apply it to your healthy eating plan? Usually, people hand this advice out when they’re indulging in unhealthy food and drink and trying to get you to join in, say at a wedding or birthday party. So is it just peer pressure? Or is there something to this age-old saying?

Choosing to eat all foods in moderation works just fine for some people. If you have a healthy relationship with food (e.g., you have no trouble putting away the bag of chips after just one serving), then eating a little bit of your favorite food may satisfy your craving and leave you full until the next healthy meal.

However, for some people, it just doesn’t work that way. Sweets, salts and alcohol all cause biological reactions in the body that are hard to ignore. And, if you’re someone who responds strongly to these reactions, even one small bite can trigger you to continue sampling similar goodies. If you’re one of these folks, you’re definitely not alone, and it is important to know which foods affect you in these ways. Perhaps you’re a person who can have a bite of a sundae and pass the rest on to your spouse, but a fun-size candy bar can unravel your motivation and spark unhealthy choices for the rest of the day. Noting which tempting foods are your triggers can help you arrange your environment so that you don’t overindulge.

Rearranging your environment for success is the easiest way to change your behavior. If you do decide to indulge in a ”trigger food” in moderation, opt to eat it in a place where there aren’t any other snack options for you to munch on afterwards (a food-filled party would not be the best environment!). Choose snacks that you like, but don’t love, so you’re not tempted to eat too much but are still satisfied. Understanding which foods are likely to lead you down a slippery slope and preparing your environment and schedule for success will help you keep cravings at bay and keep your overeating under control.

Keep Cravings in Check
Cravings are a good thing. On a basic, biological level, cravings tell us when we’re hungry, thirsty, sleepy and even when we need some human attention. The problem is that, because we’re so accustomed to having easy access to eat whenever we want and we’re able to choose from many unhealthy foods, the ratio of our wants and needs are all out of whack! It is time to step back and become aware of what we’re really craving and why. When we can look objectively at our yearnings for soda, chips, cake and cookies, we can make much better decisions about what we put in our mouths.

One of the best ways to get back in touch with your true cravings is to keep track of them.  For a few days, keep a journal of the time of day, what you’re craving, and whether you’re at work, at home, on the road, with your kids, etc. You can still give in to temptation—this exercise will simply give you a clearer picture of how often you crave, what you crave and in what settings those cravings occur.

In behavior science, before we try to change any habit, we do an assessment like this to look at the person’s current patterns so that we can set goals for small, stepwise changes. You’ll likely notice a pattern quickly (e.g., I always want something sweet with my 10 a.m. coffee). Then you can put some measures in place to deter this craving or make a healthy choice before it happens (e.g., I’ll start bringing a piece of fruit to eat with coffee so I don’t grab a muffin from the break room).

With a little mindfulness, you can ditch the ”good food, bad food” attitude! Plan carefully and stay in tune with your body to make sensible decisions that will satisfy your cravings and promote weight loss.

Stolen from Sparkpeople.com

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I don’t know what’s going on here.

I caught a glimpse of a bad angle of myself in the mirror. I stopped in place. Instant sadness took over. Usually that would cause a binge. It didn’t (thank God).. But it sure made me feel like shit. The only thing that kept me on track was repeating to myself that I need patience. This took a month to undo.. I’m not going to wake up one morning lean. Not going to happen. So I just have to understand (which I do) but I have to have faith that I can keep straight. Here I am trying to help others and I am having the hardest time trying to help myself. Even driving  home yesterday, I realized I literally make myself unhappy.. But for what? What am I getting out of feeling like this? No one knows the pain I feel inside but me.. So it’s not pity or sympathy… Do I just like to cry? Feel sorry for myself?

What. The. Fuck?

I’m unhappy. And I’m bringing people down with me and it disgusts me. This is not the Marissa show here and I’m living like it is.

With that being said, I don’t think I can have a relationship anymore. I thought I was ready.
Far from it.

I don’t want to push anyone out of my life but I need to focus on building a healthy relationship with myself and God first. The two things I should be focusing on, seem to be missing from the to do list entirely.

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Day 73 I apologize in advance if you open this.

Okay. I think I’m done with that. My sweet tooth is ah rockin’. I don’t know where teh cravings came from but they are here. Mind you I probably wont ever have my favorite foods (like the above mentioned) but these made a little happy dance in my mouth. No joke.. I could binge for days on this kind of sugar.. I didnt however take a picture of the Pizza Pot Pie.. okay now, I am allowing myself to take a trip here. It is in Chicago and I hear you will always wait no less than 60  min. It comes in a small size then a lb then 2 lbs (but I hear only 7-8 people have eaten the entire thing), it looks AMAZING. SIMPLY DIVINE! A huge “BOWL” of crust with whatever you want in it (I love just cheese on my pizza), so a bowl of homemade suace with a heeping cover of cheese. Holy Shit. Okay okay I’ll post a picture haha 🙂 AND… ONLY because I will already be in Chicago I will try out Sprinkles cupcakes.. I am super excited.. but more importantly I am looking forward to cooking my healthy cooking again.. I have AWESOME recipes to try out and I miss my Lara bars and my fruit smoothies.. (that’s  possibly why I am having cravings.. I cut out my fruit aka sugar!!)..  But anywho.. today is a busy day..

Got up at 530am, did 45min of the stairs.. work from 9-5, class from 6-950, then a quick 45-60min round of cardio 🙂

The Food Log..

7am Protein Shake (1/4c Oatmeal, Dymatize, 2Tbs PB2, Ice, Water)
11am Chicken Breast
1pm 1/4 c Almonds
4pm Extra Lean Ground Turkey w/ Broccoli and mustard.
7pm Chicken Breast
11pm Protein Shake (Dymatize, PB2)

The Workout..

6am 45 Min Stairmaster
10pm 45 Min Stairmaster

Day 73 in Pictures…. have you had enough with the pictures yet??

http://www.somethingshinyblog.com/2011/10/chocolate-chip-cookie-dough-cake.html

Holy shitballs. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t help it. If you want an awesome cheat I left the recipe up top … :/// and this I found on pinterest…. actually I pretty much find all my munchie “wishicouldeatthis” on pinterest.

Actually I was going to post my normal pictures of the day, but fuck it.. This is practically what I thought about constantly. Not to mention I ate a few slices of pineapple. Paid for it later, let me tell you. My stomach was in knots. 😦 Anywho.. had a psych test and bombed it. Literally guessed on every single question. I didn’t even read them. Just waited for him to give us like 5 answers so I’d at least get something right. I don’t care. We do not get along, and I do not agree with how he teaches. Well everyone have a good morning! Achieve dream and believe.

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