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I can’t stay on top of this blog if my life depended on it..

It’s 10:06pm and I am tired as hell. I have 4 clients tomorrow starting at 6am, so that doesn’t make me a very happy girl. I love sleep and waking up at 4-5am does NOT get any easier with time… BUT I figured since I wrote last post how I have been on point with writing blogs, that the longer I go without writing the next one makes me look like an idiot. Guess I jinxed myself there lol. It’s really because once again, I have been super overwhelmed. I feel like I can never get ahead and oh would you look at that? I have yet to do anything about anything I am currently struggling with. I just don’t understand. It is like when I use to binge.. you like that? USE to.. Haven’t in forever and do NOT plan on going back to that life (then again, I have yet to compete again so who knows. However, wishful thinking). I KNOW binging would make matters worse, yet I would continue to do it. It;s like the same concept. I bitch about things in my life yet do nothing but bitch. I don’t know. All I do know is I need to get my head out of my ass.

I don’t know where I left off but I do know that I didn’t talk about my weekend which was actually super amazing. Saturday I met the wonderful Vevian (fitalicious_me) from instagram in chicago. I had my boyfriend drop me off and we went to a bar called Old Town Pour House I believe. It was definitely not the sit down and get to know someone type because I could barely hear her but long story short this chick is AMAZING! She started off in the instagram world as anyone normally would but things have skyrocketed for her and I could not be any happier. She flys to people’s houses and helps them create meals that are short of ingredients (the less the better!) and cost wise, next to nothing! She is just beautiful inside and out and has opened my eyes to becoming something better. In the short time that I have known her she has opened my eyes to dreaming big but being proactive about making them come true. She is a true inspiration and I wish her nothing but the best. After a few diet cokes and a girl throwing up on me later, we went to another bar across the street. This one was called benchmark and was even louder than the last. We stayed for a little while and after my boyfriend came we left not long after that.

On our way!

On our way!

The boy and I ended up grabbing food at Maxwell Street in Chicago. Before I go into what I ate this weekend, let me disclaimer the fuck out of it and tell you this was my last weekend to have whatever I wanted. I decided I am going to go without a cheat meal for 4 weeks (just in time for my birthday 😉 Just to see how I look and how I come in. Just a little something I am doing for myself. That being said, I got a double hamburger, a hotdog (which was ok lol) and a side of fries. Their fries are amazing and I could eat them all day. Afterwards, we headed home. The next morning I got his ass up after numerous times (he is NOT a morning person), because I wanted to go to the taste of chicago. Around 12:30 we were out the door. In the car ride there we had planned to visit a friend that owns Dragonfly (a FANTASTIC sushi place) after we strolled the fest. However, we decided to get sushi before the taste (mostly because all I wanted at the taste was ice cream lol) so that’s what we ended up doing. Chi met us there and sat us down. After the waitress arrived to take our drink order he had 4 drinks placed. A peach sangria (amazing), a regular sangria, a mojito and a jack and coke for the man. I literally had a buffet of drinks in front of me.

My favorite was the one on the right. The peach sangria!

My favorite was the one on the right. The peach sangria!

Now I am NOT a drinker. I may have once before but I think its pointless to drink all those calories especially when you can have a delicious cupcake for the same amount. Yes. This is how I think. THAT and because even after these drinks plus another 2 mocasto’s I was sober. It has happened to me a lot before. I will drink 6 shots in 30 minutes, or shotgun this, drink that and STONE COLD S O B E R. Now.. it’s not like I want to get shitface wasted, but not even tispy for all those calories? Yeah, no thank you. Anyways after that, we ordered our food. We got about 4 rolls (imo gimo? is my fave) and a side of BBQ pork fried rice. Yes, we are fat kids inside. Well.. after we ate, and said our goodbyes we sat in the car for about 15 minutes in a straight food coma. Another long story short, we never did make it to that taste….. lol. We headed home and laid around till the food settled. Around 9:30pm we got up and went to Oberweis played a few games of checkers (I won :P) then got a movie (The Call- SUPER GOOD!).. and relaxed for the rest of the night.

Look @ all those drinks! and there was only 2 people sitting there.. haha

Look @ all those drinks! and there was only 2 people sitting there.. haha

SUSHI!

SUSHI!

Considering today is Wednesday night, I will cut all the crap out from the last few days and let you know that I have stayed true to my No Cheat till my birthday promise. I didn’t work out at the gym Monday (I was too exhausted) but I did do a work out at home. Tuesday and Wednesday though, I busted my ass. Tuesday was a leg day (feeling the effects of it as I type this) and today was a shoulder day. Two of my fave. Actually.. Chest day and Back have also become my favorite. Mostly because I have been benching lately and want to see myself bench 135lb. Back, because I have been slowly but surely doing body weight pull-ups and have a goal of at least 20 by either the end of summer, or by my competition (sometime in oct or nov lol. Idk the exact date, all I know is that its about 18 weeks out). So instead of having a weight loss or body fat goal, I want to get stronger* (again, will explain these asterisks at a later time). I can currently squat 135/145 (my body weight), box squat probably 185lb, bench 95lb and only do 3 spull-up (that IS after I do work outs though so I am not quite sure if I can do more when I am at my strongest).. I don’t know. I really want to do a powerlifting competition or a CrossFit one.. something other than getting judged on how my body looks in a bikini. I want more.

My diet has been somewhat challenging. Going through a rough time so I feel like all I do is spend my money on gas, bills and food. I have a diet plan written up but I don’t know if I could afford eating that much. I am trying though.

Today’s Diet looked as follows:
4:30am Quest Bar
7am Banana
9am 1/2 roll up (tons of fiber and protein) w/ 1/2c tuna
1130pm A spinach smoothie with 1/2 lemon and strawberries with 1/2c greek yogurt (this messed my stomach up. I have acid reflux and I need to stop drinking these delicious smoothies)
12pm Shoulder Work Out and 1 scoop of a 2:1 carb to protein shake (Idk if this is a good idea yet)
2:30pm 15 minutes of a fat burning cardio session
2:45pm 1/2c whole wheat pasta, 1/2c ground turkey and 1/2c organic pasta sauce
5pm A pita bread with 2 TBS natural PB (probably more but I had to finish and scrape every last ounce out of it before I threw away that $6 jar of greatness)
8pm 3 small chicken breasts, 1/2c cottage cheese and some broccoli
1045pm Now that I think about what time it is I might go grab some brown rice with ground turkey because reading what I wrote I did not meet any of my needs. EAT TO GROW PEOPLE and I’ll be damnedddddd if I don;t at least try.

Oh and insert 25 almonds and another tablespoon of PB. I REALLY need to lay off the peanut butter for a while..

That was pretty much it. I burned probably around 600 calories during my workout. Here are a few progress pictures:

This was post all that crappy food. I figured it was best to take the first progress picture all water weighted down :)

This was post all that crappy food. I figured it was best to take the first progress picture all water weighted down 🙂

7/17/13

7/17/13

Ahhh.. 6 hours to sleep. Sleep also helps muscles so I better go ;P More later, I promise :*

P.S now it is WAY to late to edit this so I apologize in advance if everything blows donkey peepee.

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Some sort of growth, right?

“When I see these pictures I often find myself thinking, what else have they had to give up in order to attain that physique? What relationships have suffered? What other areas of their life have they not had the opportunity to cultivate? What would that person ever do if circumstances (such as age, illness, some personal tragedy) turned the tide and they couldn’t maintain that image anymore? Would their identity be lost? Would others no longer be impressed by them?”

I recently saw this on someones blog, and holy cow.
I haven’t thought about my life without fitness or a healthy lifestyle till I came across that paragraph and wow was I lost for words.
My life has consisted of years of self abuse. Eating disorder after eating disorder. Diet pill after diet pill. Work out after work out.
This is all I know. I know weight loss. I know self hate. I know unhealthy. I know healthy.
Now.. I don’t know a life without constantly thinking about working out, hating myself, and food as much as I’ve lived this one. lol. Whatever I am doing.. surfing the net, posting fitness tips, pinching extra fat on my things, looking in the mirror, smelling a bomb ass slice of pizza, salivating over pinterest.. literally.. not a day.. not an hour.. not even a min goes by without me thinking about “fitness”.. So what would happen? What would change if I no longer could do the things I do on a day-to-day basis? What if I couldn’t work out?
The only thing I can pinpoint that I know 100% to be true.. is as long as I didn’t put on weight (or get what I feel s my uncomfortable zone) then I would try to make the best out of the situation.. but if the weight starting creeping and I wasn’t able to be active I think would ruin me. The idea of me being fat… FEELING fat hurts my heart. No joke.
Actually writing this out makes me sound selfish. Fuck. Seriously.. lets move on..
SO reading this on Friday guess what I did?
I had one of the best weekends of my life.
It didn’t start off so well but it definitely made me realize that I wouldn’t be lost without my fitness lifestyle.. that’s not something I focus on. It is literally my outward appearance. I NEED to look good (or at least THINK I look good lol). I like seeing collar bones and broad shoulders. I love having an ass but a flat stomach. I want my legs more defined… bigger even. Before I wouldn’t IMAGINE being “thicker” (I fucking hate that word). But in reality this is comfort. Healthy IS happy.
So, since I really don’t want to make this super long I won’t go much into detail (I ramble anyways so feel free to speed read).. I got home friday night knowing I wasn’t going to work out. I wanted to rest so that’s exactly what I planned on doing. I had saved these pre made smores the entire week and really wanted it right then and there. So what did I do? I had it.. Do you see a pattern in my decision-making? lol. So I was talking to my mom and she interrupted and said, should you be eating that? 
Fuck. I literally snapped. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time she’s made a comment like this, however it’s usually when I really shouldn’t be eating it (during contest prep). So I suppose I could understand.. but what the f u c k ? It kind of hurt. I ended up trying to explain how I felt and she got weird and didn’t understand so I walked out and called her a fucking asshole. 
 
1. Yes I was wrong for calling my mother an asshole.
2. This exact question, from her and an ex boyfriend, has started binges. Consider it a “trigger”.
 
We pretty much didn’t talk all night. I think she texted me something but my phone ended up dying. I passed out trying to charge my computer so it could charge my phone.

Saturday Morning..

.. I woke up feeling pretty good. I made breakfast, and cleaned up a bit. I had plans to go to Ribfest with a few friends but it was still pretty early (damn you internal clock). So I ended up putting a blanket outside and trying to tan. About 15 minutes in he calls me and I plan to leave within the hour. Everything pretty much goes as planned. I get to his house and we take the convertible down towards the city. tragic wasn’t that bad but I was stoked to be in the sun tanning with the top down lol, so I could care less. We see a carnival on the side of the highway and I made a comment about exes saying they’d win me a bear but I end up winning it myself. So what did he do? Took a detour parked the car and we didn’t leave the carnival till he won me a bear. Oh and eat a funnel cake too. So we hoped back in the car, got to the fest and pretty much gained weight. We ate fried oreos, ribs, more ribs and more bbq lol. After we walked around a bit, he got a few calls to go to the race track in Joliet. We dipped and ended up staying at the track for at least 5 hours. We drank margaritas and I ate someones french fries.. and popcorn. lol. Blahblahblah we end up driving home but ended up stopping at a friend’s house to drink. And drink I did. 
 
Woke up in a bed on..

Sunday AM..

.. Up early as hell no hangover. Success. 11am his friend calls him to go with him and his gf to breakfast. We drive about 20 minutes to a breakfast place named Ellies (no pictures because phone was dead). I think it would have been a lot better had I known what the ingredients were like. They were fresh but wasn’t expecting it. Like for example I ordered a skillet with green pepper… however they were the huge peppers and not cut down (they were literally the size of a mini twix lol)… but then I took no joke less than 10 bites and I was full. I was just dehydrated like a mother fucker. So I just chugged diet coke and water (bad idea btw). We leave and get dropped off not knowing what are plans were next. I sit in the backyard and put suntan lotion on. He gets a call and we roll over to his friend’s house. Sun tanning and drinking for hours. It was so chill. Literally stopped everything to go to Trader Joes for Mochi balls.. lol…. I think in total we had like 8 boxes.. They were defiantly weird lol. After we bail we go back to his house and sit and chill till I realize that I wanted Cold Stone. So what did we do? We got Cold stone lol. Fuck yeah.
So. that was pretty much straight my weekend. Now.. this wasn’t anything special.. No, I didn’t win the lottery or get a new car. I didn’t work out once and I ate like shit the entire weekend (no I do not recommend this. One or two cheat meals a week. NOT cheat DAYS!) Yes, I wasn’t AS comfortable and no I didn’t really want to walk around in a bikini, but for once I wasn’t constantly thinking about fitness, the gym, working out or fucking protein powder. I was LIVING. As simple as my weekend was, it was unbelievably relaxing. I felt like I took a mini vacation from myself.

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