Tag Archives: Crying

I needed this..

“Sometimes the best thing that you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess, just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.”

This is how today went (9/10)..

Mom had surgery on her foot not too long ago.. friday I believe. So she is a little crippled at the moment. No big deal.. except my mom gets flustered and cranky at the drop of a dime.. which I do too so I know how it feels/goes… So she must have been in one of her little moods and started talking about getting rid of my dog Marley.. for the second fucking time might I add. I had to get rid of her once because we moved.. took her back because she wasnt getting along with the other dog. A few weeks went by and my mom told me I really had to get rid of her, so I had an ex bf help me out and we found a home for her. I wasnt happy and it hurt every day I didn’t have her but I needed to do what I needed to do. I was put in a position that I really didn’t have a choice in so, so be it.  I think maybe a month went by and she came into my room crying, telling me I need to get Marley back. So I did. Now fast forward a few more months and were back to today.. Now Marley is a lot to handle. She gets overly excited and wants to be up in everyone’s grill. I personally love it, but not everyone loves the smell of dog breath. Well with that being said, my mom told me that she thinks I need to get rid of her.. so while I am trying to get ready in the morning she’s pretty much picking a fight with me. I stopped talking, made my protein shake and left.

On my way to work, radio turned off like I have been doing for some weird ass reason, I sit and think. I have about 45 min dedicated to me over analyzing every possible situation in my life. 45 minutes to dwell on everything that’s going wrong.. 45 minutes to sit on the pity pot..but this time.. I had 45 minutes of prayer. I literally grab the steering wheel and just talked to God. I pray for mom a lot, but lately I’ve been so selfish it’s about me and what I need.. like faith. I need to put more faith in the unknown. I need to realize that worrying really has no purpose in life and the only thing that holds me together is that everything will be okay. I literally remind myself of this constantly.. repeating it over and over…. so meanwhile I am doing my thing, talking to God, and a tear managed to escape from my eye no matter how hard I tried to stop it. I quickly wiped it from my face and kept driving like nothing ever happened..
..Work was a little different today. One of the dudes that has been there for quite some time, put his two weeks in. Via email. Like a bitch. Sorry.. but if you met this dude, you would wish you didn’t. I’m sorry Eric.. if you ever read this for some bizarre fucked up reason, know that you need to learn how to become a better person. Youre vindictive and manipulative and you hurt so many people along the way. I honestly never understand why people do the things they do.. no conscience? no soul? to each their fucking own, but leave me the fuck out of it. So yeah, that’s been kind of the big talk around the shop lately.. Everyone is pretty stoked. Him leaving is best for everyone.
Amen.
Ate pretty good today. Had my morning protein shake, brought Greek yogurt, a banana, whole wheat pasta, and my leftovers from last nights dinner with the boy.

My Meals for the Day:

Lunch 🙂

At around 530 or so (I get off at 5, boy gets off at 6), I hung around for a bit. The boy and I started talking, and like it always does with my big ass mouth, gets kind of escalated to where I just walk away. The emotions that over come me.. would drop jaws. So I turned and walked away and he called for me back, telling me how unfair it was that I got to speak but how I am just bailing on him, giving him no opportunity to explain himself. So I walked back, he was right, so I took a couple of breaths and just stood there. We talked a little more and then got interrupted (we usually always do.. they like to tease us now that they know were together lol).. And so a few of us stood around and talked (mostly with Eric about him leaving and how much of a “piece of shit” Ron is), and I happened to open my mouth one too many times. It was awkward..luckily I saved my self those couple of times and no one caught on..after the 4th fucked up thing I said I had to excuse myself. I got into my car and dipped. About 500ft later, I see a text from the boy asking me to say for a second. I reversed all the way back into the parking lot and waited for him. He talked some more.. he explained himself and we continued to talk. It’s exactly what I needed. I have been so fucking consumed by our relationship that its been eating me alive. All I think about is one day waking up and him telling me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, or he’s found someone else, or cheated on me, or even WORSE getting back with his bitch of an ex (sorry lisa if YOU ever read this for some bizarre fucked up reason, you’re a straight mean fucking person).. phew.. anywho.. it’s been all i’ve been thinking about lately.. but I have been trying to tell myself that I don’t need this. I’ve been trying to coach myself into telling him that were better off as friends, but realized I might as well wait it out.

So after a shit load of tears literally escaped.. I’m not kidding.. we were laughing at me crying because it just wouldn’t stop. I kept choking up. This man is like no one I have ever had in my life before. He is truly amazing in every way and I get giddy inside when I look at him knowing he’s all mine. Knowing I have his heart.. knowing were in love with each other. I’m not going to say love is hard (because when its true love, it’s not something you have to try at.. hold me to this.. you work together but there’s no “hey im trying to love you” bullshit).. but staying on the same page has been for us, and that’s all I ever wanted.. was to be on the same page. I don’t want to be in a relationship that someones in just because.. I don’t want to go thru another heartbreak any time soon. I know I’ll be okay, and “it” will be okay, but heartbreak really is like losing a loved one (like my last post).. it hurts the soul, it hurts to breath…
..but it happens.. and most of the time you get over it.
Regardless.. I still want to give us my all. All I needed was this talk. I needed to hear you say that you want to be with me. I needed to hear you say that it’s all okay and will be okay. I needed the reassurance.. I needed the kiss at the end that made me feel loved.. I even needed the tears that fell down my face..
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Day 36 I sat on the pity pot today..

My whole body is sore.. and I have had acid reflux for going on 24 hours.

It started even after my shake when I didn’t even add chia/hemp/flax or fiber, yet I am still hurting.. Hmmm… All there was was pineapple, coconut oil, and whey protein.. hmmmm BUTat 3 in the morning I did wake up and eat part of my pizookie w PB.. that had flax in it I WOKE UP AT 730 THOUGH!

and its 1151 and I still have it.

Ate a piece of flank steak, snacking on edamame. Yawning..

306pm Cried today for the first time in awhile… Felt good and bad all at the same time.. I tried holding them back, but it was like buttons were being pushed every time I thought I had it all under control. It is all work related. I deserve better. I know this but I don’t want the pressure of trying to find another job right now.. Everything happens for a reason, just have to believe in that.

Had some pulled pork earlier, going to eat another piece of steak with some broccoli in 3 min or so.. Don’t even feel like eating 😦 I am just tired and cold and feeling a little down today.. I really just want a nap 😦

Seriously FUCK MY BOSS. HE is the BIGGEST FUCKING ASSHOLE I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. I honestly do NOT understand how someone is capable of daily hate towards others.

Not even worth talking about anymore its wasted energy.

I haven’t eaten that much today 😦 I am in a weird mood.. Can’t wait to unwind AT THE GYM! haha ❤

Today is going to be shoulders… This weeks schedule is actually going to be as follows :

  • Mon- Shoulders
  • Tues- Quads
  • Wed- Off
  • Thurs- Back
  • Fri- Cardio
  • Sat- Hams
  • Sun- Bi’s Tri’s

Military, Overhead press, front raise, lateral raise, upright rows 🙂
5 Minute Planks
30min Stairmaster.

ITY BITY PITY COMMITTEE

So today at work my boss was making me look like an idiot in front of everyone.. I started getting hot… and I really didn’t know how I was going to handle this situation because I didn’t know how far my boss would go… Well he made me do something one last time and when I got in the back of the shop I starred up into the ceiling and felt the tears just build up.. I really didn’t want to cry… (I actually enjoy crying, you feel so relieved afterwards), because I was still at work, so I tried to keep walking.. but I had to keep pausing… I hadn’t cried in such a long time I think that’s why I couldn’t stop it. So I bent over and had the tears drop onto the ground, trying not to go back looking like a hot mess.. I wanted to pretend it didn’t get to me.. but I regained composure and went back up front.. Words were exchanged and I gave him what he wanted and walked to the furthest bathroom. I sat on the toilet bailed for 30 seconds, realized I was still at work, sat and focused on breathing and waited till I was ready to leave.. Honestly I felt so much better, yes it looked like I was crying but I didn’t have to make much eye contact with anyone the rest of the day… I barely ate, which I think is weird because he has been triggers for me bingeing… any who.. So I did what I had to do and left for the day.. drove home no big deal, got Marley out, took her for a walk and made steak and broccoli. Well 7pm comes around and this is when I am ready to bounce out the door to the gym and my mom watches Marley well as I am getting ready I notice that this bracelet that I bought on Saturday was missing. Completely off board it came on, and the empty part was lying in the same spot my sister found it in… I don’t know why but I FREAKED OUT. I called my sister a fucking bitch all because she claimed to NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!!! LITERALLY verbatim!!!! I have the texts, it goes from Idk what your talking about, to asking me if I remember wearing it, she doesn’t know what to tell me, then 20 min later after I told her she lost me as a friend (we have gotten really close, and id do anything for her) because I KNEW she took it and she was LYING in my face, making me feel and go  and even act crazy. I disrespected my mom and my sister for me being upset. I was in a bad mood when I got home.. and then I saw that. I freaked. And not even to mention THIS MORNING, as I was getting ready for work as I moved this bracelet to the spot it was at I thought to myself, how funny if Hayley tried stealing this, since I KNOW its right here.. Literally no joke, no crosses I legit thought this on the way out.. so for her to say, are you sure you didn’t wear it?

Omg. Words could NOT describe. I was BALLLLLLLING. On the FLOOR crying. It was a whole mess… I shut my door and prayed to God for strength, I was hyperventilating. Trying to breathe, hysterically crying and repeating God give me strength wasn’t quite all working lol.. I had to stop speaking and start praying silently till my breathing calmed down..  I felt so so soooo low at this point crying just felt natural, like a relief…. I felt so much better afterwards..

I do take full responsibility for how I reacted today and I am quite embarrassed. I don’t know what got into me..IF you want an example of sitting on the pity pot this is it.

All that was consuming me had to do with how my work sucks and I deserve better and if not at least respect. I am completely broke (had to dip into savings type shit), taxes will NOT go thru, this is the 6th time I sent them in, school called me once, sent to vm, called back, sent to vm, no call back. That’s in regards to financial aid (OR LACK THEREOF!), and how I am broke because of that too.. then my sister tries and makes me go crazy, my mom had an attitude the entire day (am AND pm), then I am bloated as fuck ALL THE TIME!…..

So anyways I balled. Hard. I let it all out. Everyone is on good terms now. I need to do a little soul searching and figure out this mess. I mean I know everyone has their ups and downs but FUCK. There are ways to avoid feeling hopeless.. 😦

So back on track After all the shhhhiiiiaat I needed to hit the gym. WITH MAH NEW SWEATSHIRTTT!!! and after a great meal 🙂

730pm BOULDAH SHOULDAH (boston accent)

Switched things up, started with Smith Machine Chest Press
50lbs x 12reps
50lbs x 12reps
60lbs x 10reps
60lbs x 8reps
70lbs x 4reps <– no idea lol……

Went to do should press, but I WAS SLACKING SO BADLY! I tried to start with 60 lbs so like a 30 DB in each hand and I couldn’t even do it…. That sucked for my ego.. NBD I think I tried to do 2 sets and switched to Upright Rows Supersetted with a Front raise (20lbs BB)

50lbs x 10reps
20lbs x 12reps x 4 sets

then went into the yoga room and did 10 (30)DB swings (like a squat to front raise) then did 10 (ea) lateral raise for 10 reps 3 Sets

then finished with 3 sets of an incline chest press at 50lbs

5 minutes of planks

30 minutes of treadmill no less then 12 incline (max 20) on 2.8-3.0

Went home stopped at Baskin Robbins, grabbed my mom some of her chocolate chip ice cream and headed home. Ate a protein shake (my yuckie strawberry and banana expensive as shit protein with actual strawberries (3) and a 1/2 banana ice and water, didn’t taste that bad actually…

NOWWWWW it is 1204am and I am super tired but I had to write this blog.. I knew I had to finish it so I can post it tomorrow morning… I don’t even know if my point was understood or if I even made one…… Anywho, I need to stop worrying and have no fear..

Where God’s love is, there is no fear. God’s perfect love takes away fear.

=)

Goodnight ❤

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Day 30 My only wish is I die real.

HAD TO START WITH SAYING 2 MONTH CIGARETTE FREE!!!

But I feel like shit.

I felt like shit last night too, so woke up 15 min prior to  me needing to leave. Not like I give a shit, but Marley would NOT stop whinning at 6am. My mom had to come in and take her out, shes such a weirdo.

But back to me feeling like shit. It feels like acid reflux. Haven’t had it in AWHILE.. so it’s weird that its coming back now. FUCKKKK I took 3 tums last night and I woke up fine, now it hurts again.

Had a dope ass shake though.

830am W/ the nasty WF vanilla P. powder with fresh pineapple, frozen mango ice and water (oh and fiber). It was awessssssssssssssssome. I am going to add coconut oil tomorrow 🙂

Anywho its 1041am I found Raw almonds in a customers car LMFAO. I had to go in it to get the title and all of a sudden a bag of unopened almonds popped out. FUCKING PERFECT. I was starving and not only was my stomach hurting from WHATEVERTHEFUCKISGOINGON, i had hunger pains too. 😦 No bueno.

So I ate a handful of those then had a piece of pineapple. MMMMMM I LOVE FOOD!

NEED TO GO TO THE DMV today, but Matt isn’t here. I am seriously in so much trouble. :(:(

Bought another sweatshirt from LIFT BIG EAT BIG. The purple one. 🙂 I only bought one sweatshirt from their because I am rewarding myself. I haven’t gotten any check from school cathy or my tax return so this is my money rewarding myself for hitting day 30 🙂 But I want like 2 or 3 more things 🙂

&& I want these SO BADDDDDDD ❤

Anyways. I am in a really good fucking mood. the weather is FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!! no joke its 68 degrees March 6. Take a few seconds and thank WHOEVER you think is in charge of life and death and thank them for another day here on earth.

Actually what if death is better then life? lol. Like once we die its like a never ending party. hahahaha justkidding. THANK YOU GOD FOR TODAY! ❤

I feel myself getting a little hungry (231pm) I have more pineapple that I shouldnt eat, actually I CAN, omg stomach pains again 😦 but I may go sneak some more almonds lmfao.. ITS LEG DAY TODAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! Lets see some sexy legs!!!!!!!!!

So far doing legs 2x a week is going great. My ass is huge, and its staying that way, all while my legs (thighs ext) are thinning out. FUCK YEAH!..

See I’m positive about my body when I’m in a good mood, and think I’m pregnant when I’m not.
Writing things down does help…….

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

924pm Just an update

Left for work at 5pm. Got flicked off and tried to run off the road TWICE. I was taking a video of the first guy because he was acting crazy and as soon as I was about to hit off I said ” and I need to cut this guy off”.. but hoesntly THERE WAS ENOUGH DAMN ROOM. it wasn’t like a huge ordeal. Well I turned the record button off and continued driving. Well the road merges back onto the highway or follow with traffic. Well this guy got on the further road to go straight and wouldn’t let me in.. Pretty much he was running me off the road.. WEll I saw I had like 100 feet and sped up and I didn’t give a shit if he hit my car. He had a mercedes and I simply didn’t care. I wouldn’t of said anything, probably wouldn’t of even stopped had he hit me lol.. Anywho I got my camera back on and he started acting normal till he got on the right again (after fucking with me) and I slowed down and rolled down my window.. I wanna see if I can post the video here.. lol

Nevermind it won’t let me :(:( Hopefully I can figure it out sometime.. But he said, cut me off one more time bitch.. and he sounded so flustered like he knew he was on camera lol and didn’t know if he was going to roll down his window or not.. whatever hahaha.. I can’t believe it.. thats 3 times in 2 days..

So I got home I ate a piece of steak again at like 445 so I only ate a couple scoops of applesauce (just because lol) and part of a lara bar.. I had a lot of fruit today.

Got to the gym at 730pm

Squats!

60lbs x 10reps
80lbs x 10reps
90lbs x 8reps
100lbs x 6reps
110lbs x 4reps

Moved onto lunges. MHMMMMM started at 40 lb DB in each hand

80lbs x 100 MOTHER FUCKING LUNGES BABY!

My forearms wanted to give up more then my legs did. My legs were hurting at the last few reps.. like wobbly type shit. Then went over to the Leg Ext.. Even though I was going to do calves but I was kind of spacey.

65lbs x 12reps
80lbs x 10reps
95lbs x 10reps
110lbs x 8reps
125lbs x 8reps
140lbs x 6reps

FInished with 3 sets of 10 reps (45lbs) seated calf raises.

Did 2 set of planks. I was hurting. I did 10 box jumps though lol.. and I really didn’t feel anything jiggle up and down lol.. whichhhh is fanfuckingtastic.

🙂

Got a diet coke (yes I am taking full advantage before I can’t drink it anymore)… ate some stolen almonds. And then made a smoothie.. coconut mango pineapple… mmmmm so fucking good.

Probably all Im gonna eat.. I want to go to bed at a normal time..

I have been thinking about things… and I really need to stop getting so upset about things so fast. Everything can be solved. But first you just need to breathe. Honestly. ENJOY your life. Do something for YOU! Not only that find something you can hold on too.. That gives you faith.. that gives you hope… I really think people need to start living for  something.

Then I get to thinking about how people can’t even say thank you or bless you when someone sneezes. How people can’t even hold a door open for someone anymore, and I think people are going to just take a few seconds even to thank the universe for all I care, just to be alive.  Life is so precious and you really don’t know when its all going to end. but when it does I want to have at least help or have helped someone… anyone.. I want someone to have been changed by something I stood for or just said in general. I want little girls to know that they are beautiful. That the outside does NOT define who you are inside. That vanity is ignorance to the beauty thats around us. I want people to be happier.. just fucking stop hating each other.. why are you holding a grudge? why is everyone SO DAMN MAD ALL THE FUCKING TIME?!?!

The thing is is I always LOOK mad, completely different then actually being mad.. yes perspective is everything and everyone judges, but honestly I think in my life, I’ve been more sad then mad and I used being angry to cover up wanting to always cry. I mean fuck I’ve done my fair share of crying (and I could cry at just about anything lol). But I think I rather choose to scream and yell then to crying and hyperventilate.

I always knew anger was a second emotion but never put much thought into it. The thing is is I wasn’t mad at the world, or people around me.. I was just upset at my life and how I was living it. I was probably jealous and envious over certain peoples lifestyles, bodies, cars  (whatever the fuck it may be) but never truly upset with anyone.. Not even my dad who introduced himself to me on my 8th grade graduation.

Yeah my mom thinks I should be angry at him but honestly I don’t. He didn’t leave me, he never hated me.. Shit happens and people react in different ways. Hence what I am saying about myself. I choose to do stuff differently (judge people ext), and no one really told me I was ever wrong, Just like my father knows (hopefully) but thats it. As long as you learn a lesson from past mistakes I think in the end it will make you a better person. Though they say never to regret anything, well I don’t believe in that. I don’t mean sit there and dwell, but I don’t think regretting something is wrong. It doesn’t do much, but its not wrong. I think it would be wrong if you didn’t regret it (meaning you’d do it again).. Idk to each their own.. I just wish I didn’t have to hurt people to become what I think is a better person now.

Words hurt. Words stay in peoples minds. and I am so sorry to anyone that I have ever hurt.

and trust me, I have hurt people with the words I have said. I am not proud the fact that I can hurt someone so badly with just the words that come out of my mouth. and to think I WANTED to hurt someone with them…

I was just lost. lost and confused 😦

Shit this could go on forever but I am going to end it here.. its going on 10pm..

Point is.. I am a different person now. I do not judge anyone, because it is not my place to judge. Being open and having people being open with me, has made me realize that just because a person is smiling on the outside, that they are not living, going or been thru hell.

I have heard some fucked up stories, that I couldn’t even dream up if I wanted too, not to mention, would I have EVER of guessed that this person has been through, what they went thru.

Just please the next time you want to say something mean rude, hurtful disrepesetful ext.. know that not only do sticks and stones hurt…. so do words. and some people are going thru enough behind close doors, that they don’t need an ignorant jackass talking shit.

Sorry. Idk why that all came out.. 😦

Anyways I’m going to bed. Sorry to bore the fuck out of you.

Goodnight ❤

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