Tag Archives: depression

One thing after another..

Things are getting tough. It’s been 4 days since surgery and although I have amazing support, I feel myself falling into depression..

What was suppose to be a 15 minute surgery, turned into 2 and 1/2 hours, putting me to sleep twice, an incision and an extra pin (total of 5).

I was given pain meds, but after the numbness went away no medication seem to help. After a few hours, mike drove me back to the doctors, all the while tears flooded my face. They said they wrapped my hand too tight and prescribed “Mercedes Benz” of pain meds.. Only to realize those didn’t help either..

I’ve been home this entire time, taking off work. Which is hard being a personal trainer and all, considering I don’t get paid but nothing I can do. Not much I can do really, physically.. Any motion any slight pressure hurts like you wouldn’t believe.. So taking my mind off it, is something I’m struggling with.

The only thing I am happy about is the fact that I haven’t fallen to good for satisfaction. In fact, I’ve been losing weight (yes more than likely muscle WHICH SADDENS ME EVEN MORE!!!!), staying “clean” for just about a month now. I figured I wouldn’t be as active so I need to lighten up with the cookies 😛 Though, I’ve have ZERO cravings.. Not even the double layered homemade cake my mom made, made me budge. Success.

But enough of that before my mouth starts watering.. It’s been 3 weeks since I lifted upper body, and only 3 lower body workouts, I have 4 weeks to go. Doesn’t seem like much and could be a lot worse, the here and now sucks. I cry a lot.. Not having a hand, more so excruciating pain when you try to use it, makes you appreciate it that much more. I just wish I could stay positive, I’m praying that I do.

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Birthday, Binging and Bitching.

Well well well.. If you would look at that… what’s it been.. over a week now?

In that case, lets take a look into what I have been doing, or have not been doing with a little recap, and random as hell pictures I have taken through out the week…

So, life caught up to me and I have been having a lot of ups and downs. Still trying to feel afloat and stay positive thru everything that’s been thrown at me. I guess that’s all you can do right? A long story short, the week drastically turned for the worse when I visited my college looking for a few answers and was left with nothing. Literally nothing. No financial aid, nothing. I have no idea what went wrong but without help I cannot afford to go. Though, I am taking that with a grain a salt and focusing on spending that time studying for my NASM certificate. My certification that I have now, doesn’t expire for a little less than a year, but I want to refresh myself. I also want a more recognized certification, not some run of the mill one that I currently have.

Progress shot, before I went all ape shit on thousands of calories..

Progress shot, before I went all ape shit on thousands of calories..

Spent friday before work, walking pitbulls at a rescue.

Spent Friday before work, walking pit bulls at a rescue.

After school took a dump on me, I was feeling insecure about the relationship I have with my boyfriend. Things have been super rocky and this takes a total toll on my life. I can’t allow that anymore. I am done over analyzing and not trusting him. Because in the end, I AM THE ONE SUFFERING!!! I am no longer holding my true self hostage over some one else. Yes, I still love him and will love him and will continue the relationship as long as its healthy, but no more doing what I have been doing to myself. Nope. Not going to happen. I would rather lose the relationship than myself.

Yes, some of these pictures are going to have nothing to do with what I am talking about. But thats because telling you what I ate, is well.. rather boring. So instead, just look.  Greek yogurt, blueberries and Kashi cereal.

Yes, some of these pictures are going to have nothing to do with what I am talking about. But that’s because telling you what I ate, is well.. rather boring. So instead, just look.
Greek yogurt, blueberries and Kashi cereal.

Whole Wheat pasta, Ground Turkey and Tomatoes.

Whole Wheat pasta, Ground Turkey and Tomatoes.

Eating a ton of Quest Bars lately. JUST GOT THE WHITE CHOCOLATE RASPBERRY!!!!

Eating a ton of Quest Bars lately. JUST GOT THE WHITE CHOCOLATE RASPBERRY!!!!

Lets jump around to another day shall we? One night we went to his buddies house, after we got some food at Jason’s Deli. I got a whole wheat wrap with spinach and turkey. Or should I say, a spinach wrap with a side of turkey. I was a little disappointed. Had mixed steamed veggies on the side as well. Though shortly after, my stomach started hurting. I ended up spending the entire time on the total debating whether I should move, or if I was in fact going to puke. Lets just say, I made it to the couch safe and sound. Now, this wasn’t exciting but this lead to my binging.

Binged on these too. Healthy or not. Recipe is from Chocolate Covered Katie:     2 cups spelt flour (250g) (All-purpose also works, and a reader had success with Bob’s gf mix plus 1 tsp xantham gum)     1/2 tsp plus 1/8 tsp salt     1/2 tsp cinnamon     2 tsp baking powder     1/2 cup sugar of choice or xylitol (100g)     pinch pure stevia, or 2 tbsp more sugar of choice     1 tbsp apple cider vinegar or white vinegar (15g)     1 cup milk of choice (240g)     1 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract (6g)     3 tbsp vegetable or coconut oil (30g)     1 1/3 cups fresh blueberries (165g) Preheat oven to 350 F, and grease a muffin tin or line with muffin liners. In a large mixing bowl, combine first 6 ingredients very well. In a separate bowl, whisk together all remaining ingredients except blueberries. Pour wet into dry, stir until just evenly mixed, and then add the blueberries. Gently stir again, but only until evenly mixed. It’s important to not over-stir and break the berries. Pour into the muffin tins and bake 19 minutes. Muffins should look perfectly domed when you take them out. Allow to sit 10 minutes before removing from the tins. Makes 14-15 muffins.

Binged on these too. Healthy or not. Recipe is from Chocolate Covered Katie:
2 cups spelt flour (250g) (All-purpose also works, and a reader had success with Bob’s gf mix plus 1 tsp xantham gum)
1/2 tsp plus 1/8 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup sugar of choice or xylitol (100g)
pinch pure stevia, or 2 tbsp more sugar of choice
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar or white vinegar (15g)
1 cup milk of choice (240g)
1 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract (6g)
3 tbsp vegetable or coconut oil (30g)
1 1/3 cups fresh blueberries (165g)
Preheat oven to 350 F, and grease a muffin tin or line with muffin liners. In a large mixing bowl, combine first 6 ingredients very well. In a separate bowl, whisk together all remaining ingredients except blueberries. Pour wet into dry, stir until just evenly mixed, and then add the blueberries. Gently stir again, but only until evenly mixed. It’s important to not over-stir and break the berries. Pour into the muffin tins and bake 19 minutes. Muffins should look perfectly domed when you take them out. Allow to sit 10 minutes before removing from the tins. Makes 14-15 muffins.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Quest Bar. Ftw.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Quest Bar. Ftw.

Yes, you read that right. I, for the first time in MONTHS, binged. I believe it started Sunday night, or mid afternoon. I don’t know what got into me, but after going a month without cheat meals, I went crazy. Waffles and ice cream, chocolate up the ass. Literally.. carbs for days. I don’t know if I was just drained, mentally.. or deprived.. or depressed.. but I definitely stress ate the fuck out of everything in sight. Maybe it was because I knew my birthday was only days away.. but then again that would just be a validation and fuck those. So.. Monday was an all or nothing.. then it led to Tuesday as well. By Wednesday (my birthday), I believe I was alright. I got a work out in (the first one of the week) and continued to eat good.. That is till I got home. I told my boyfriend I was binging (which is the first time I have ever admitted to it) and he felt pretty bad. I think it was because he ended up bringing a pie over (again, for my birthday) and didn’t want me to feel anymore guilty. But let me tell you. I was looking forward to it and regardless of whatever was going on inside my head, it was birthday and I was going to eat it regardless.

Birthday dinner @ Texas de Brazil.

Birthday dinner @ Texas de Brazil.

So, I spent my birthday pretty low key. Hung around the house, got to sleep pretty early. Thursday I had to be up at 4am because I had to wash my spray tan off (L O L) and had clients starting around 5am. Eating wise, I did okay. Snuck a few bites of pie in but nothing too crazy. Wonder why? well let me just cure your curiosity. The boy and I went to an all you can eat meat buffet. Yep. Texas de Brazil 🙂 I knew that going on an empty stomach wasn’t the smartest idea, as you may or may not believe. So I made sure I ate a little previously to eating dinner. THe night didn’t go as planned but I am not going to go into detail about it because I plan on moving on and remembering the good times. After we left for dinner, we rented a movie and got a small thing of ice cream. He mentioned going to the casino but by this time it was around 11pm and anyone that knows me even the slightest bit knows that by 11pm I want to pass the F out.. However.. I was actually open to the idea. After bumming around for 30 minutes we headed out. We only spent about an hour there. The first machine we sat down next to, I ended up winning $75. That was nice. Considering I have been to many casinos and HAVE NEVER WON BEFORE! I ended up cashing out, giving the boo back $20 and kept $40 in my pocket so I would be up all night. Left the casino and headed to bed.

Now we have today. Ate a pretty healthy “breakfast” at around 2pm and hung out with each other till I hate to leave for work at 3. I got to work and trained 2 clients, and then….. had 6 cancellations. Yep. So I ended up half assing a work out, went to the store for a few things and arrived home around 7:30pm.

Now.. a recap of what I have learned this week:

I needed to take a break from eating as clean as I did for 4 weeks.
I cannot depend on someone for my own happiness.
I can eat a lot.

Basically that sums up everything. But since this is a road to ripped, fitness enthused blog. I wanted to take a little look into what this week really meant. I believe that everything happens for a reason. That being said, I truly believe I needed this week “off” to gain control back. I needed to take a look at myself, whether it was in disgust (I mean.. come on. How would you feel THOUSANDS OF CALORIES later???), or in a positive manner. I ended up gaining 7 lbs and although I felt like crap the days I ate like crap (coincidence?), I was physically and mentally drained. I am currently 13 weeks out from another bikini show (which is a huge amount of time), and excited to get back on track. Because although I was LOVING the progress I was making, everything seemed like a chore to me. I was excited about working out (WHEN I was working out) but prior everything about the day was just annoying me. Prepping my meals, working out for however long, dealing with people and clients who didn’t take training seriously, or whatever it was… it was on my last nerve.

7lbs heavier. Just another reason to get my head out of my ass.

7lbs heavier. Just another reason to get my head out of my ass.

So, what I am trying to say, is that sometimes we all need just a mini “vaca” away from our every day life once in a while. Especially if you are competing or working out tremendously throughout the week, you have to LISTEN to your body. NO! I am NOT saying to binge in any way shape or form.. but give yourself a break. If you want a PB&J sandwich.. have that motherfucking PB&J sandwich. This is LIFE.. you are supposed to enjoy it. Don’t fall victim to becoming obsessive and unhealthy about what you are doing. Training should give you a mental toughness on what you can endure. It is a way of life. It is supposed to help motivate you to make healthier decisions, to live longer, to be HAPPY and in LOVE with the person that’s looking back at you in mirror. Try to find a balance. We all just need to find a balance.

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Day 15 F A T

Sorry for all the swearing ahead of time. I AM NOT HAPPY &&

F U C K

Dilemma so far?

So my mom and I went to the mall yesterday and I got 3 pairs of jeans, ALL different sizes. I COULDN’T EVEN FUCKING FIT INTO THE BIGGEST FUCKING SIZE.

so.. just imagine my fucking morning. I no joke blame it on my ass. Here is a recent pic of this nonstop growing ass of mine:

LIKE W T F ? !

NOT my house and no that’s NOT a fucking cat.

and NO these were not photoshopped, even though I was browsing my blog and they FER SURE looked photoshopped. But they are NOT. I pinky promise.

BUT today I start cardio so that’s something to look forward too (not technically but you know lol).

On my mood:

I am not really depressed, or feeling THAT down, but it sucks. I actually want to say that whenever I felt fat, or unattractive I would binge (weird right, because binge’ing is going to make me soooo much skinnier..LOL).. but I didn’t even think to cheat, even when my mom randomly and coincidentally asked “so how do your pants fit marissa?”  great mom, just great.

I couldn’t even answer her.

So this is what I am struggling with today. I feel fine, and actually I feel really pretty.

Until I feel/notice my muffin top.

830am Had my Myofusion and PB2 protein shake.

10am I’m going to snack in an hour or so. My stomach is getting pretty hungry but I need to go to Whole Foods to get a chicken breast. I don’t think I have enough food for today because I wanted to get the fuck out of the house because I was going to get bitchy. I’m just focusing today, knowing it will be a good day.

1130am Went to Whole Foods in Chicago and it was A W E S O M E. IT WAS HUGE! I ate 2 pieces of honey flank steak and got a piece of turkey that has spinach provolone and tomatoes in it. Pretty excited about that;) lol. It was nice to get out of the office for 2 hours =D

Looks A LOT better then it tasted (AND it was like $6)

As for the gym later tonight (730pm), I am going to do back instead of legs, because my legs are KILLING me still. Training schedule for this week:

  • Monday: Back
  • Tuesday: Legs
  • Wednesday: OFF (for now)
  • Thursday: Shoulders/chest
  • Friday: Legs w/ calves
  • Saturday: Arms
  • Sunday: Cardio/Plyo.
 So I got home pretty fast today (530pm), walked Marley and baked some sweet potato fries. THESE WERE NOT ALL NATURAL.. they said they were but they had quite a bit of ingredients, so I will eat the rest of the bag (THEY ARE DELICIOUS) and be done with them. I think for lent wednesday I will give up soda.. Remember I was going to today, but I remembered ash wednesday or whatever is coming up. I CAN DO IT!!!!!!. Officially 1 month and 2 weeks since I quit smoking. HELL YES!
700pm Finish eating 3oz sweet potato and some meatloaf, waited 45min and headed to the gym.
Oh I did have 2 “sugar cookies”. LOL.
I got to the gym at 820pm and hit:
Assisted pull ups for 5 sets.
Row for 4 sets
Back Ext 3-4 sets (I forgot)
Lat pulldown 4 sets
A different row set up 2 sets
Treadmill 20 min level 10-12 Speed 2.5-3.1
Finally added cardio.. :(:( and super pissed there were no stair masters. I SAID CARDIO SHOULD ONLY BE THE STAIRMASTER (in my case) and they weren’t getting off anytime soon. There were only 2 because the 3 was broken. Pieces of shit. ugh. but whatever.. In about 2 months ill be going from 20 min of cardio to 2 hours of cardio lol. CANT WAIT
930pm I had a protein shake (myofusion and pb2 again) for after the workout.
10pm Studying for 30-45min then IM HITTING THE SACK! ugh can’t wait to lay and bed, stretch and get some well needed rest 🙂

And the motivation for the day:


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