Tag Archives: dreams

The only journey is the journey within..

..and you better strap on (lol), because this is gonna be a bumpy ride.
 
Not even kidding.
 
I was updating pictures, blog posts and emails last night when I spotted a journal I had used while I was training for one of my very first shows. It mostly talks about relationships and how I am feeling throughout the days (pretty much my blog in writing). What I found to be pretty common in the posts, is me trying to understand why I binged like I did. I am still almost lost after reading even what I thought were my triggers, however I don’t really need expect or even want an explanation, but I want to be able to shed light for others. I truly believe the best teachers out there are the ones with experience. Yes, knowledge is incredibly sexy and intimidating, but experience is real life situations turned (hopefully) positive lessons learned.
 
So what I found in common was how much I wrote about food, and how it consumes me more than I consume it (which is ALMOST hard to believe right?)..My mind is constantly surrounded by images of food, when, where or if I’ll eat something, anything or everything. Fitness, weight Loss, anything revolving around my body image, clouded my brain every  s i n g l e day. NOTHING else mattered when it came down to it. With that being said, I believe I will be in the fitness industry/ have a healthy background/lifestyle till the day I die. I am not one that could continue day to day being or feeling over weight.
 
I have been heavy (or what I feel  is over weight and completely and utterly UNFUCKINGCOMFORTABLE!), and I have never hated myself more. Me being/feeling uncomfortable is nothing less than a recipe for disaster aka my main “trigger”, and for someone who wants peace in the world and hates bullying and abuse against animals blahblahblah hippie shit.. I sure practice hate in my heart, against m y s e l f. How horrible. What a SHITTY way of living and I have done this for YEARS. Eating disorder after eating disorder. Tear after tear. This was my life.
I want everyone to know out there that you need to do this for yourself. Please don;t try to drastically change for a boy or girl to get them to like you. Because if you don’t even like yourself I promise you its going to be an upward battle. Stay patient and know that if you wish, this doesn’t have to be forever. Things do change.

So tomorrow is June 1st..

..It marks my 100th post, && 6 Months Cigarette Free

It is also the day I start (just) a 7 day cleanse, 2 and 1/2 weeks till contest prep, and another journey towards Operation Gonna GROW! hahahaha.. No joke. I WANT HUGE LEGS! Okay not huge, but look at Larissa Reis‘ Quads.. O. M. G.. #inlove haha
 
 
Like.. I could cry at how beautiful her legs are. lol.
 
Alright so I am ready to kick some ass. I have a pretty dope support system, and finding ways to focus on being and staying positive. I know my blog has just gotten personal and not fitness related (like it was), but that will all change. This weekend I am going to get organized (LOL.. literally just said I am the most organized unorganized person there is)… ha. That’s it for now. Life has been up and down lately, but I am holding my head up 🙂
 
oh P.S – I’m taking up running too, thanks to jlgentry
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If what you’re doing is not your passion, you have nothing to lose.

Agenda for Monday:

9-5pm Work
530pm Back Work out with Taylor @ X Sport in A.H
7pm Yoga

Marley’s Agenda for Monday..

Me leaving the house today.. I forgot my lunch box and gym bag in the car.

The Food Log

830am Quest Bar (Vanilla Almond)
1130am Greek Yogurt
2pm Chicken with Mixed Veggies
530pm Chicken with Broccoli
8pm Almond Butter on P28 Bread
11pm Don’t know yet.

The Work Out:

BACK ATTACK!

Focusing on:

Lat Pull down
Pullups
and Rows

LIFTING AS HEAVY AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT LOSING FORM!

PLUS +

60 Min of YOGA.. yep. Yoga.. wtf am I gonna do? Taylor is like a super star and my dog can do a better downward dog then I can.. Not to mention my legs are so fucking sore still that I look like I have a huge load in my pants. HA… this should be fun. OH and this is my past employer lol (I worked here for 4 years).. so that should add to the interesting part.

Goals for the next 4 weeks:

  • Have a cheat (or 2) on the weekends ONLY!
  • Gym session 6 days a week for 45-60 minutes of weight resistance training.
  • Focus on growth not weight loss.

Don’t know how that last bullet will effect me. I really would LOVE to see my abs 24/7 but I also want defined arms and HUGE ass legs (not to mention, keeping my huge ass…ass). Pretty much meaning that I am going to lay off cardio a bit. I think I will do it if I feel like it (which is usually never, but hey!), but I won’t beat myself up over it. I will however, eat clean as shit. I want to see what my body is capable of. I want to stop with the excuses and stop with the dumb ass binges that happen every now and again. I think that since I am allowed back my fruits that it will subside any sugar cravings I may have. I honestly feel like that part of my life is gone. Yes I have consumed A LOT of food in the last week that wasn’t in any way shape or form good for me but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed every last bite. Yes I felt like shit afterwards and about 3 days after but I enjoyed it because I LET MYSELF! I need to learn to love myself regardless of a bloated belly or a significant muffin top. My weight doesn’t define me and as much as I am obsessed with fitness and health, I will never stray down the broken road of disordered eating again. I will never throw up or starve myself EVER again. EVER. Yes people call me obsessed and a fitness freak blahblahblah.. but they don’t know the battle I fought to get where I am. This is MY body, MY life and I will not stop the journey I am on, till I can HONESTLY say that I love myself with everything I have. Now please don’t take this like I want to be perfect, or I am striving for any of that sort, because that wouldn’t be fair. I want to accept myself as I better myself. I am doing this for me.

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Day 23 idk wtf is going on.

 

I woke up at 6am. Wide awake because Marley wouldn’t stop licking me. but I was wide awake. So I got up. checked emails and shizznit. Then I did my daily get up.
730am finished my protein shake. this time i added the super blend food (hemp cacao and maca) and the pb2 ice and water) It was actually pretty good 🙂

oh and I snacked on the last 1/4 of the lemon bar. I also grabbed 2 cuties to snack on..  (they have seeds and they suck).

I’ve been snacking on fruit and  bc of the natural sugars, I don’t really crave anything.
1. don’t eat fruit past 11am  UNLESS u work out like i do at night, and this is because fruits do have alot of sugar, regardless if its natural or not. It still affects the body. So use up those carbs!
2. check on which fruits are the best to eat, bananas are great after a workout!**

952am Feeling good, super excited about doing Legs today. Focusing more on squats, lunges of course! Cant forget the calve raises either. :/ Snacking on some Black tea, and a cutie orange 🙂 Have to head to whole foods again lol I FINALLY GOT PAIIIIDDDDD!!!!! haha and have to get chicken again. Seriously can I please get a discount or something?

1pm I left to go to Whole Foods and I stopped at the salad bar and I got SUPER excited. I decided I wanted potatoes, carbs starches ohhhh yeah LEG DAY BABYYY! Then I had fajita chicken (had cheese, yes I’m well aware I need to relax with this cheese kick here)…. and a LIL corn.. here is to prove it. And then I also got 2 pieces of blackened chicken. I only need one, but they looked SOOOOo good today! I was gonna get a almond butter, but even though Ill be burning a shit ton of calories later, I knew that my portion was a little bigger then I’m use too, so it’ll even it out with the snacking.

Mood: FUCKING AWESOME! I could use a power nap, obviously not possible but I could def use one. That or a massage. O M G. I cannot wait to get my taxes finished so I can have $$$ agaain! lol. I am very very excited about training today. Like I said early I’m focusing on squats today, I think I might want to try to go 3 plates on the leg press 🙂 that and lunges, leg exts and calf raises.

I do feel like I am getting skinnier, I JUST took a progress pic today, and it was before I had to pee and I really had to pee lol. regardless I still have a while, but I can only imagine what Im going to look like. I AM S T O K E D!.
I do feel/see that I’m holding water on my thigh under my ass cheek (cellulite), but that should disappear in a couple weeks.. Nothing to get upset about. I also know I looked skinnier when I’m tan and right now I’m pale as FUCK.  :(:( I also feel sexier when Im tan.. :/

Anywho Im bikini shopping today. Just looking around. I found a suit I want for actual summer,and then im checking out ones for the show. Jennifer got back to me and said the white one would be for sale but not the coral which Im super upset about. So ill just have to find something similar.

I love the chain, this is the look I’m going for.  Not to mention gold looks awesome on tanned skin 🙂

For some reason Im digging this. I think it would really “pop”.. But I wouldnt do the strings on the sides, id do a black chain. I listed a picture of all the connectors I can choose from.  L-61c is nice

Obviously have to add a pink one in for good measure lol. I actually really like her connectors, that or I can do smaller diamonds.

See this and a silver chain? Sc-22 Down below \/ Love the zebra And the pink.

So I got home last night at around 530pm

I took Marley out and ate (kind of more then I should have but I was hungry.)

I had 2 LARA BARS (wtf) and some nut butter. Idk what the fuck is wrong with me and the worst part about it?? I went to lay down so I could wait for my mom to get here to watch Marley, we’ll I felt SUPER tired, not normal. Well guess what? I JUST WOKE UP NOW AND ITS 7am! I missed my fucking workout. and i don’t get to workout today because I have class. How fucking shitty. THAT or I go to Xsport the 24/7 gym OR I see what time LA fitness closes at. regardless I’m pissed. and now hungry again.

Sorry guys.

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