Tag Archives: Emotion

Procrastination Post.

Figured I would take this time to reflect. One because I usually do on Sundays and two because things are either about to get a lot better or a lot worse. My boyfriend broke up with me today. Okay maybe he didn’t but long story short, we should have a long time ago. He wanted to talk about it, I simply want to wake away liking him as an amazing person that he is rather someone I despise. Who knows but after this post, I am going to bed. My head hurts and I honestly was going to go out and eat a “cheat meal” aka emotional binge and validating it like a boss. But I didn’t. And I am glad that I didn’t. I had an amazing leg work out, 30 minutes of incline walking, and 2 games of basketball in which I can hardly move. It may be a combination of a ridiculous work out and me taking out 2 guys during a game of basketball. Awkward. yet So badass. My battle wounds are getting better day by day. Lol.. kidding.. but seriously let me enjoy it because I could barely walk up and down the stairs yesterday..

You should see how bad it is now.. lol

You should see how bad it is now.. lol

Workouts have been on point and so was eating. I ended the four-week no cheat and felt like shit doing it. I don’t know. Thinking going lighter.. or at least find a way I feel less guilty about it. Anyways. Not unhappy at all. My body is definitely making progress and I am super stoked. I just need to stay consistent. It is literally key.

Yesterdays leg work out, which I was not excited to find out they were doing legs when I walked in. They were literally mid hack squat and me almost not making the work out, realized I would not have been unhappy if I did. Lol. But it was awesome. I felt (or didn’t feel lol) things I havent felt in a while. Justine had to literally extend a hand to help me off. It was crazy, exhilarating and hurt so damn bad. But good. ya know? ;p My legs were numb. H actually checked my legs out to make sure I didn’t tear anything. Crazy. Lol.. And to think that was JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE WORKOUT@!!!!!! Anyways we did some leg curls ext jefferson squats which are just annoying.. and finished with jumps squats I believe. It was insane. I chilled for a bit and went to chipotle. I ordered food and yet I was not hungry. I felt like I wanted to puke smelling everything. I ended up enjoying the water more than anything.. So I saved 1/2 of it and drank some Gatorade. I finished with clients, did 30 minutes of incline walking with Cylia and late at night played 2 games of basketball after Todd asked H but he declined. After first so did I but after they played a game he got me to play. It was nuts. My legs hurt so bad. We won. That is all.

Lmao.

I am slowing getting better. Going to lift back tomorrow which I am actually quite happy about. I want to post some progress ISH pictures. Mostly because in this picture I finally went under 150lbs! It was about damn time. Lol. Not that I care but it was a little small hooray type ordeal.

Imaweirdo.com

Imaweirdo.com

just chillen in the chipotle bathroom! 147lbs!

just chillen in the chipotle bathroom! 147lbs!

photo 1

😛

Wednesday: Clearly I haven’t found enough time to get to a wifi connection to post this. I have friday off so I will edit and post. I let this whole break up ruin my work out today. Then I ate some oreos. I realized that I take care of everyone before myself. I am 50% sure I want this break up. I validate binging and eating like shit on any bad situation. enjoy in the time, then hate myself not for eating it because I clearly loved it but hate that I am either behind now on how I want to look or I have more work to do. Knowing that I set myself back is the only reason I feel guilty about eating crap food. MMMMMMM I dont know. I feel sad.

#Americanhorrostory brb ;P

Thursday: Passed out after AHS. I love this show. Slept in, rescheduled the two clients I had. My body hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts. I’ve been crying lately. Speaking of crying.. I was on facebook.. yep reactivated it.. and it was a series of photos that this husband took of his wife while going thru cancer. It was so touching. So sad, but the very last picture was her tombstone that read “I loved it all”, and as I am sitting here hurting over a hard lesson of a break up and this women was battling cancer and still loved life. I instantly was wiping tears from my face and really needed to take some time to reflect on all of this.

I will not allow it to succumb me. You can either crumble or you can conquer and conquer I sure as fuck will.

photo 3

NPC Ironman Bikini

Pictures from The NPC Ironman I saw this weekend.

Pictures from The NPC Ironman I saw this weekend.

photo 4

Top 3 Physique

Cylia getting teased with Nutella 2 weeks out!

Cylia getting teased with Nutella 2 weeks out!

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Day 48-52 For someone who doesn’t like excuses, I sure have a shit ton.

Ah. Jeez. So sorry.

😦

I wish I had like a reasonable excuse as to why it has been 5 days since my last post, but I don’t.

Friday I completed my blog (it was boring, so its sitting unpublished lol), and did my 45 min of cardio that night.
Saturday morning I woke up (1130) and did 30 min of cardio on an empty stomach, and sort of rushed the rest of the time.

Around 1230 (after showering and eating) I headed out on a mini road trip, so for the weekend day 48/49 will be better off explained via pictures 🙂

So Sunday I get back. Apparently I ate BBQ chips the night before 😦 and a lot more alcohol then I had wanted too :/ So I was a little weird about that. So what do I do? Eat like shit. Why? The only excuse I could come up with is I was hungover. So I ate, nothing too bad but a whole lot of nothing healthy.

Part of Mondays Binge.

Monday comes along. I feel like shit still. Haven’t been sleeping. Start day 2 of binge.

Enter embarrassing details here.

Tuesday comes along. I feel like shit still, only one to blame is myself. That and fucking pot. Start day 3 of binge.

Enter even more embarrassing details here.

Wednesday comes along. I still feel like shit. I knew I was going to feel like shit. I am SO FUCKING OVER IT.

I have been driving home in silence lately.. trying to figure out my ways of self destruction. I literally talk myself through it. I KNOW what I am doing. I KNOW how I will feel afterwards.. and what..? I still do it?

That makes a whole lot of fucking sense doesn’t it?
no?

YEAH NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK.

Yet I have no excuse. And No I do not want comments saying its okay and todays a new day and shit like that because I know that.. I am not ruining today because of yesterdays..and the day before that were complete and utter shit. No.. I am simply trying to talk my way through this feeling/emotion/lack of dopamine/ whatever the fuck it is, I am trying to U N D E R S T A N D it. Because I don’t.

My mom thought it was because I like to punish myself. FUCK THAT. Why would I LIKE to punish myself? I feel like shit. I treat people like shit when I feel like shit. I get angry when really I am sad inside. and quite frankly I have YET to find joy in my pain/punishment.

I have yet to find a balance 😦 but as God is my witness, I will work each and everyday to try and find it 🙂

So today is Wednesday. I am on spring break from school (big deal lol) so I am going to leave work my usual 30-45min early just so I can get to the gym faster.
I am ready again. GO HARD.

But is it not bizarre that technically I “fell off” exactly 1.5 months in, exactly half way through? lol….. hmmmmm…. It’s allllll good.. I just have to step it up a bit and go fucking tanning. I swear if you are ever self conscious about your body, so spray tanning. Everyone looks good tan. I. am. not. kidding.

and I think I am FINALLY going to get my nails done :):) Its been WAY too long, but I am finally not broke haha.. My reimbursement for school came yesterday WITH MY INCOME TAXES BACK!!! HOLLLLAAAAAAAA… to bad I owe like $500 to people lol.. ol well.. 😦 That’s the price you pay for having fun lol..

but back to the basics.

745am This is now my wake up time. Exactly 15 min to get ready, and 15 min to walk Marley and make a protein shake lol. This was my beautiful baby this morning..

830am HALF OF A PROTEIN SHAKE, I gave the other half to my car. 1 scoop myofusion (nasty kind, DEF picking some good shit up today).  1/2 TBS Coconut Oil, and some c. shreds Ice and Water.

11am Snacked on 1/2 chicken breast and a CCCD Lara Bar.

and possibly some almonds.. look at all the fun stuff I got at Walgreens.. Seriously me with money is NOT good, especially because I need to go to GNC and I finally get to buy my MUSCLE EGGSSS!!! HELLLLLL YEAH! I need to get Glutamine and another jug of myofusion 🙂

The almonds are on sale for Buy 1 Get 1 Free 🙂 Like I said when I put the pic on instagram, careful they are ADDICTING!!!!

2pm Finishing 1/2 chicken breast and some more almonds. I will eat more later when I leave at 415ish

FINALLY FUCKING BOUGHT MUSCLE EGG!!!!!! HELLLLLL YEAH!! Cost me $75 but its chocolate EGG WHITES!!!

and then went to GNC after work and bought $55 worth of protein and a multi vitamin and 2 turbo teas 🙂 Picture will be in tomorrows blog.. 🙂

730pm

THE WORKOUT:

LEGGGSSSS FOR DAYYYYYYSSSS

Leg Press– Actually no.. I didn’t do leg press.. retard sally cakes thinks the gym is a playground and just chit chat BY the machine. Cool story bro.

Lunges– Only had 30lb DB in hand.. 2×20 reps=

100 TOTAL LUNGES!!

Squats– Went into studio for these.

15lb DB x 10 followed by
BW x 10

5 Min of Planks All supersetted. Sweating like a beast by now..

Leg Ext- Started with 135lbs lol. Maxxed out at 155lb.

Calf Raises 3×12 25lbs (my calves were cramping)

No cardio.

845pm Chipotle 🙂 Nuff said.

930pm Went to talk with a friend about a super big move that may take place soon 🙂 deets hopefully soon.

1130pm Had an AMAZING shake with the new products I got. Simply in LOVE with this flavor.

1/2c almond milk, almond butter, dymatize protein powder, a powder multi vitamin, ice and blend. So it sounds like its chocolate peanut butter but it has a WHOLE different taste, and its FANTASTIC 🙂

1145pm Went to update blog and my battery died.. So, sorry it’s just coming out now.. and I promise I wont go another week without updating lol.

Goodnight ❤

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,