Tag Archives: emotions

Dropping all expectations.

The shit I put myself through would make anyone contemplate my sanity.

Work has been putting me in a lot of emotional turmoil and it’s hard to go there for 40+ hours a week knowing its the last place I want to be. Not to forget that I work with my boyfriend and being the only girl there sets myself up for a lot. Certain comments get made, emotions arise.

Crying at your work place sucks dick.

So does crying yourself to sleep at night because you realize you re a lot lonelier than you once thought.

Which directly reflects my texts to my boyfriend last night wanting to break up with him. He begged me not too and told me to think about it. I told him I already have.. and that this was the right thing to do. I woke up this morning to an empty house (my mom left for Boston yesterday afternoon to pick up my sister), and went about my normal routine. I got into my car and turned off the radio and just drove. Tears like always, made their way to the corner of my eyes but I just kept driving. All I could think about was how selfish I am for feeling how I feel sometimes. There are SO many people out there with worse situations yet I am taking out my frustrations on everyone around me.

I am literally pushing away the ONE thing in my life that gives me hope. He loves me for ME. That’s it. It’s THAT simple.. yet I am having the hardest time believing it. I am struggling EVERYDAY to just get through it. He is a great man that will stick my my side thru thick and thin but I find a flaw and instantly pull away? He deserves someone better.. if not better, just someone who isn’t so hurt inside.

Regardless, I haven’t given up. I feel myself in the beginning of this life lesson but can also see me getting out of it. I have yet to learn to love myself but things don’t happen over night. I am trying to be a better girlfriend and give him the love and support he needs but ever so deserves. I am trying to be a better daughter and stop with thinking only about myself. I am trying to rid the acceptance of the name calling at work. I am trying to find my faith.

I am trying.

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**** yeah.

So I know it’s only Wednesday but I am already excited for the weekend.. Regardless I still have a few days to go, so I suppose I should enjoy now, well.. right now!
 
Well first things first.. Yesterday was officially my first day back (in the gym) in 5 days! It didn’t go as planned but I still felt exhausted after it. People kept staring and my clothes were too tight.. and it was fucking hot.. and I was only getting hotter lol.. So I ended up just doing 3 or 4 shoulder exercises. Went as heavy as I could though.. So that is always a plus. I do want to mention to  jlgentry that I did a mile in just under 14 minutes (granted the first 2 minutes I walked).. but I started getting bad cramps .85 of a mile in lol.. At that point I knew I wasn’t going to handle going for much longer.. but a mile was SO CLOSE!! So I kept going.. Had too ..Pain is temporary –> failure is forever –> failure only occurs when you give up  = Don’t give up.… Right?
 
..any who.. I finished and walked on an incline for the remainder of the time. BUT I DID IT!! haha.. Yeah I could of probably kept going but I was trying to focus on anything but these damn cramps. My right calf started first, which I could handle.. but the stomach cramps are the worst.
 
Besides the gym, I have been doing really good with my eating. However like I mentioned in an earlier post that I am allowing myself whatever I want. I know the consequence.. and if I want it that badly, ill deal with it later. But for right now… it is working PERFECTLY! I am even starting to see my top two abs again (FUCKYEAHWHATUP!) and again, haven’t been to the gym in a week 🙂 So… with that being said I had 2 chocolate chip cookies last night. Lmfao. I was only going to have one but my mom randomly barged in my room and brought 3 more in for dude and I.. (awkward).. but I ate another one but left one (yes.. you read that right.. I LEFT A FUCKING COOKIE UNEATEN! Unfuckingreal. lol). I didn’t really think twice like I normally would. I remember years ago when I was working at  X Sport Fitness.. My mom had made cookies and I ate one.. or two probably.. okay 3 or 4 knowing me.. and immediately I went to the gym to burn it off. Fuck that. Never again do I want to be like that. Talk about hating yourself and I was fucking ruthless.
 
So I wanted to find a healthy PB cookie recipe.. and while I’ve been excited about the weekend and getting back into cooking and baking and shit, I saw on CCK’s blog a recipe for skinny vanilla cupcakes. They looked so cute unfrosted.. see:
 
 
Skinny Vanilla Cupcakes

(makes 9-10 cupcakes)

Or click if you’d prefer: Chocolate Cupcakes.

  • 1 cup spelt flour, or white flour, or Arrowhead Mills gf mix (145g)
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 2 tsp ener g powder (or 1 flax or chia egg)
  • 4 tbsp xylitol or sugar (54g)
  • 2 Nunatural stevia packets (or 2 extra tbsp sugar)
  • 1 tbsp pure vanilla extract
  • 1 cup plain or vanilla yogurt of choice (Silk or SoDelicious both work) (230g)
  • 1/4 cup milk of choice (subtract 2 tbsp if using the flax or chia egg) (60g)
  • 3 tbsp coconut or veg oil (can omit, but the cupcakes will be a bit gummy) (36g)

Preheat oven to 350 F, and grease muffin tins. Combine all dry ingredients in a bowl, and mix very well. In a separate bowl, combine all wet ingredients and stir. Pour wet into dry, and mix until just combined (don’t overmix). Cook 18-20 minutes, then let sit at least 10 before removing from muffin tins.

Okayyyy so they still look fanfuckingtastic.. but what about with Reese’s Frosting from CCK?
 
Reese’s Pieces Frosting
 

(Yields almost 1/2 cup)

  • 1/4 cup peanut butter (or other nut butter)
  • 4-8 tsp pure maple syrup (click for a sugar-free alternative)
  • 2 tbsp cocoa powder
  • 4 tsp milk of choice (or more for thinner frosting)
  • 3/4 tsp pure vanilla extract
  • optional: handful of chocolate chips (the “pieces”)

Blend everything (including chips, if using) in a small food processor or Magic Bullet. If you have a bigger processor, it might be best to double the recipe so everything blends more smoothly. Best to store uneaten frosting covered in the fridge.

Or what about making my own cool whip.. Hey have I ever mentioned this before? Leave a open can of full fat coconut milk in the refrigerator overnight.. scoop the clear liquid off the top.. add vanilla.. coconut shreds (if you wish) and stevia..blend.. and there you have whipped cream!!!
 
Now do you see why I am so excited?
 
Oh.. another reason I am excited.. I AM NOW A SPONSORED ATHLETE FOR A NUTRITION COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Hell yeah.  Will go into further detail a bit later..
 
Life is going and I’m going with it..with a huge (mother) fucking smile on my face.
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Post Comp/ Weekend Recap

Well that sucked.

Lmfao. I don’t even know where to begin. I wrote a Thursday post but never posted it for some reason. I’ll start from there I suppose. So I had to wake up extra early to finish cardio before I had to pick up my bosses kids for school (yeah…. I know).. But regardless the day went as planned. After work I headed over to the nail place, got acrylics and my toe nails painted. This took about an hour, at which point I went directly to Taylor’s salon. We ended up doing an all over, an eggplant color. This took about 2 hours at which point, was already 930 at night, but still made it to the gym to do some cardio and sit in the sauna. After I finished with her I went right to the hotel and tried to unwind.

Friday morning wasn’t as hectic as I thought. I got up thinking that they had a fitness center in the hotel but they didn’t. No big deal I just went to X Sport down the street, finished cardio and on the way home stopped at Sunset foods (which is like a Whole Foods), and got a turkey and some sugar free cookies for after the show. I was running a little behind only because I called Taylor’s salon and she wasn’t there yet so I waited for her text to tell me to come by. We started my tanning process a little before noon. I was there till 3 fucking o’clock. This Jan Tana BULLSHIT was just that, bullshit. Turned me black and did NOT look good sprayed on. So after I left her salon looking like a fucking moron, I went back to the hotel. I wasn’t that upset because I still had time to get sprayed (she had another solution she wanted me to try), but I fell asleep for a couple hours. I woke up at about 630pm and Mike came over. We picked up Marley and headed over to Bridgeview, Il to check in at the gym over there. I was running so fucking late. Why I took a nap before check in is beyond me, but I literally made it with 5 minutes to spare. 5 minutes. 7:55pm no joke. After all this I went back to the hotel and we just chilled. Marley was being the biggest pain in the ass and I had no idea why but Mike left for a bit and I fell back asleep.

Taylor came over at midnight (after I kept falling asleep), and we started spraying another coat of this tan called Fake Bake (which she originally wanted to use prior to using the jan tana color) but I was hesitant because its not a competition spray.. I understand it may get someone dark but on stage is awhole nother story. You should be BLACK … lol.. she finished at about 2am. She left, mike came back and I laid upright in bed for 2 hours.  Got up at 5am, took a shower to wash off the excess solution, but the entire tan came off. So at 530 am on the morning of my comp, I was about as pale as they come. Awesome.

Well, Taylor came back at 530am, and wanted to just spray just this bronzer on me but I remembered we had another bottle of a different solution made by jan tana, so.. I got naked, stood in front of the mirror and we both started applying this solution. Well.. it looked better. I guess.. if better just means I looked….. uh different? lol.. I was streaky as fuck and just getting pissed. I needed to be out the door at 7am because I had a mandatory meeting at 830am in CHICAGO (which not to mention is FUCKING BULLSHIT! that and the whole checking in at USA gym.. just is so stupid and you would think they know that this whole thing is stressful enough).. whatever.. anywho…. so as I’m getting pissed.. hair is still curly as all hell.. and still had to finish my hair and put my make up on as my tan tried to dry. Ohhhhhhhh the time just flew by. Taylor was patient as shit with me (God bless her) and we finally got all our shit together and I was on the road at 730am.. traffic was a little bad at times because of some summit shit but I got to there within 45 minutes. Not like I really could of gave a shit.. but whatever.

So I got to the theater, found a semi decent parking spot and just sat there. It was raining… I had no umbrella or anything to cover my hair body or face with… so I just sat there for another 2 minutes ready to just book it. People were piling in, and vendors were setting up.. I waited for Taylor and we got some final touches done.. Bloated, streaky, hair frizzy, and bikini too small… I felt like shit.. especially seeing these beautiful ladies.. beautiful TANNED ladies… lmao.. ughhhhhhhhh…

Alright well it was what it was.. I really didn’t have time to take any pictures (it was so packed in the pump up room), and it was STICKY in there. This is a huge problem. My hair.. yeah.. unless you know me personally you’ll never understand. my hair is fucking crazy. I could feel it getting worse. I couldn’t stop touching it. I didn’t know what to do.. not to mention NO PONYTAIL HOLDER???? Really???????????????? Since when don’t I have a scrunchie? fuck me. Yup and then they called bikini tall. Lined up. Last one in line. Couldn’t stop grabbing my ass, complete wedgie. Why? forgot bikini bite. After hours of “preparation”… yes I borrowed some but I should of done it WAY earlier.. Oh so picture me.. fidgeting with my hair, my ass, and walking like I have something in my ass. OIL SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN THE PUMP UP ROOM.. Guys don’t care because they are bare foot, so they just drip that shit errrrrrywhere. Yes I just  want to bitch.. Well yeah so that was me. Even on stage. Most embarrassing 5 minutes of my life. Why? I KNEW I wasn’t ready and I was just doing this because I felt obligated. Yes I worked hard but I took this like it was just something I signed up for. I wasn’t ready. I knew it. I am upset with suitsyouswimwear, my bikini was not custom made.. I was holding water like it was nobodies business… My hands are still black from the original Jan Tana tan (my elbows? Oh yeah.. I look like a giraffe or a cow.. whatever.. oh yeah.. actually… a cow fits me PERFECTLY!) Seriously though, I apologize. I’m not fat per say, but I sure did feel it. I took pictures after I got home from breakfast that are currently uploading..

Okay back on track.. so yeah blahblahblah got my happy ass off stage real fast, gathered my shit up and went to breakfast. Please see below:

How AMAZING! Only finished half of each(okay more then half of my waffle… but that’s because we were there for awhile and I knew I wasn’t going to take home a waffle.. so I couldn’t help myself!) lol my stomach was hurting.. So after breakfast I went back to the hotel to actually check in for another night.. I had called and asked for a late check out (which was $10 per extra hour) but since the room was less then $60 it was just better to not have to worry about packing up and going home since my sister just arrived back from Minnesota… so I went back up to my room and chilled out for a bit, while I did my own photo shoot.. please don’t be offended, you should know by now but I take provocative pictures.. Please see below as well:

haha yeah.. so that was me bloated.. okay even MORE bloated after that wonderful waffle creation.  Lmfao.. also stopped at a “chocolate factory” haha.. it was a tiny chocolate store I saw on the way to breakfast.. Got cookie dough dipped in chocolate.. then finished my night with Buffalo Wild Wings.. my FAVE restaurant lol and ate part of my life away there too… Ordered whatever I wanted without a care in the world. Felt awesome. I don’t remember what time I feel asleep but I woke up Sunday, at 930am feeling fully charged.

I finished packing up my shit and checked out of the hotel at 1130am and headed home. Found my sister, or rather my sisters clothes EVERYWHERE.. sucks I don’t have my own room when she comes home because she steals shit. And thinks shes entitled to whatever she wants to do.. meaning all my shit is moved and whatever lose odds and ends I may have had lying around are misplaced or taken for ransom or until I find it in her purse a week later. I took a nap for a few hours, got up, got in a fight with my sister, and about an hour later I left to go meet up with mike so we could go to coldstone. yep. coldstone.. lol

Even though it sucked because I didn’t add in enough shit lol. So it was basically ice cream.. but it was still better then chicken and broccoli. Thatsferdamnsure.

Blahblahblah and now its Monday. Clean relaxed eating now.

Literally feel awesome. I don’t have to worry about anything anymore, except lifting big and eating big! I WANT TO GROW! I have SO much potential and it sucks I did something to “track” my progress KNOWING I wasn’t ready but I will continue to go strong. I am so excited to finally be allowed almost twice as many carbs as the last month, and using that energy to kick ass in the gym.. This show was a stepping stone for bigger and better things.. I am STOKED.. seriously fucking ecstatic. Game on.

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78 :(

Ohhhh Monday.

6am Cardio
9-5
Work
6-9 Nutrition Class

The Food Log..

8am Quest Bar
11am Blackened Chicken Breast
230pm Ground Turkey w/ Spinach
6pm Chicken Breast w/ Veggies
9pm 2 Mini Ground Turkey Filets

The Workout..

6am 30 Minutes Cardio

Day 78 in Pictures..

Today was just another day. Not feeling too good. Looked at myself and I do NOT look like how I should for my contest. Not going to give up thought, I have been training for months and I lost a lot of weight and I look TEN times better then how I looked before I started all this. I may not look how I want now, but I will. This is my lifestyle now, just sucks I put pressure on myself to lose the weight in a timely manner. Ugh.  I have to stay positive.  Sorry this blog was so short. 😦

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Day 21 If I have no love I am nothing

One of the most inspiring quotes/pictures I have ever came across ❤

 

I remember days where I thought life was too hard to handle. I pleaded with God to take my life. I have cried myself to sleep. I have been down dark dark roads. I have done things I shouldn’t have, and I have hurt people I shouldn’t of. But as I write this today, just know that I too thought I would NEVER see a brighter day. I sit here though, never BEEN HAPPIER. Yes my life is FAR from perfect, but when you are given the gift of life each day and you learn to love not only yourself and others but the big man upstairs, life changes. Not in a drastic way where people will stop and ask questions or envy you, but in your heart, in your mind and soul where it is needed most. You will wake up each day and say thank you Lord for another day to live through you. And I will live through him. He has shown me that I can get through anything. That I can be a strong individual with so much love and passion for people. I can finally say that I am truly happy 🙂
Have faith in God.
Know that he is with you and will help you get through life’s struggles. He does NOT give you anything you cannot handle.

Nor are you alone.
As lonely as the path your leading down may feel like, just breathe.
Know that you are here for a reason and you have a purpose.

Anything that you need help with, take a second and ask for HELP. It does not mean you are weak, it just means you need guidance, you need to feel like someone has your back. That if you fail, someone will be there for you.

When no one else is there, and you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. When you beg God to take your life. When you go down the wrong path. When you are suffering.
HE IS THERE. He WANTS to help you. Just put your faith in God.

He is OUR support.

 

8-930am I woke up for church. Made my Myofusion Protein Shake. Waited for my mother to get ready. and we kind of got in a little huff. I was just hot and aggravated. I couldn’t find my garage door opener, and we were on the verge of being late (MY MOTHER DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF TIME). And I HATE being late, for anything!

10am We got to church. I apologized for how I was acting. I hate acting like a spoiled bitch to my mom. I fucking love her more then anything and I do not understand how I have such a low tolerance when it comes to me getting angry. It’s honestly like if I’m too hot (temp wise) that for some reason I am SO annoyed with everything around me. It would almost be better if I just didn’t talk to anyone when I’m pissy. I def need to work on that.

 

So we get to church, this is my first time at this Harvest. I’ve been to Harvest before but this one is a lot smaller but it was cool. As we were singing of course I got all teary eyed. Then when the pastor was talking about a college boy who wrote in for a prayer I like lost it. I started crying and had to get up and get tissues. THEN we went into small groups for about 30 min at the end and the one lady was talking and she had tears in her eyes and as soon as I saw them I started crying again. I have no idea why. I honestly think its because I just want to com fort all these people.

Even here on wordpress I see people struggling and I just want to make everything better. I want to open my arms and my heart for them. It just makes me so sad. Idk. I also think its because I haven’t cried in a while (which I think is a good thing for me lol). I am a very emotional person. lol

 

I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle.  I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.  ~Mother Teresa

 

Ok.. so that was my little moving experience today. Oh how I’ve learned to appreciate the days 🙂
It’s about quarter to 1. I am going to finish cleaning and my laundry and then I will head to the gym.

Bi’s and Tri’s today. Ugh and a shit ton of core work.

Justina is suppose to come over but she hasn’t texted me and its 1pm already. My weekends usually consist of working out cooking and cleaning and I RARELY find time to hang out with people. I don’t mind it actually. I am trying to FIND and CREATE myself and the world is a dark place with many temptations. Besides I like have 2 days where I have NO schedule and no alarm clock set 🙂

3pm Went and did my arms workout. It consisted of hammer curls, BB curls, skull crushers, bench dips and assisted dips, and sort of a triceps push down. I also did 5 minutes of planks =D

430pm Had a green smoothie and just relaxed a bit. I put greens, mango, banana, fiber and ice. This one tasted a little funky and I think its because I put in a green mixture… Ol well.

605pm Bored as fuck, and being lazy. Justina wanted to come over but she wouldn’t get here till 7, I’m a horrible entertainer, and right now I’M BROKE AS F U C K. no joke. I have $20 till Tuesday AM. NOT COOL. Blame it on online shopping and buying organic food. FML. lol and the fact that I owe 2 GRAND FOR MY MAC BOOK! hahaha but I love it so its allll good ❤

I am going to finish up my blog, eat another meal at 7pm. OH I made parmesan crusted chicken last night and it was dank as shit. My mom loved it. Too bad I’m cutting cheese out of my diet so probably won’t eat that again…. MAYBE.. That and PB (except PB2). Not excited but theres too much shit in it. I’m gonna take it easy tonight. Just like I do every weekend haha.

 

 

Goodnight ❤

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Day 15 F A T

Sorry for all the swearing ahead of time. I AM NOT HAPPY &&

F U C K

Dilemma so far?

So my mom and I went to the mall yesterday and I got 3 pairs of jeans, ALL different sizes. I COULDN’T EVEN FUCKING FIT INTO THE BIGGEST FUCKING SIZE.

so.. just imagine my fucking morning. I no joke blame it on my ass. Here is a recent pic of this nonstop growing ass of mine:

LIKE W T F ? !

NOT my house and no that’s NOT a fucking cat.

and NO these were not photoshopped, even though I was browsing my blog and they FER SURE looked photoshopped. But they are NOT. I pinky promise.

BUT today I start cardio so that’s something to look forward too (not technically but you know lol).

On my mood:

I am not really depressed, or feeling THAT down, but it sucks. I actually want to say that whenever I felt fat, or unattractive I would binge (weird right, because binge’ing is going to make me soooo much skinnier..LOL).. but I didn’t even think to cheat, even when my mom randomly and coincidentally asked “so how do your pants fit marissa?”  great mom, just great.

I couldn’t even answer her.

So this is what I am struggling with today. I feel fine, and actually I feel really pretty.

Until I feel/notice my muffin top.

830am Had my Myofusion and PB2 protein shake.

10am I’m going to snack in an hour or so. My stomach is getting pretty hungry but I need to go to Whole Foods to get a chicken breast. I don’t think I have enough food for today because I wanted to get the fuck out of the house because I was going to get bitchy. I’m just focusing today, knowing it will be a good day.

1130am Went to Whole Foods in Chicago and it was A W E S O M E. IT WAS HUGE! I ate 2 pieces of honey flank steak and got a piece of turkey that has spinach provolone and tomatoes in it. Pretty excited about that;) lol. It was nice to get out of the office for 2 hours =D

Looks A LOT better then it tasted (AND it was like $6)

As for the gym later tonight (730pm), I am going to do back instead of legs, because my legs are KILLING me still. Training schedule for this week:

  • Monday: Back
  • Tuesday: Legs
  • Wednesday: OFF (for now)
  • Thursday: Shoulders/chest
  • Friday: Legs w/ calves
  • Saturday: Arms
  • Sunday: Cardio/Plyo.
 So I got home pretty fast today (530pm), walked Marley and baked some sweet potato fries. THESE WERE NOT ALL NATURAL.. they said they were but they had quite a bit of ingredients, so I will eat the rest of the bag (THEY ARE DELICIOUS) and be done with them. I think for lent wednesday I will give up soda.. Remember I was going to today, but I remembered ash wednesday or whatever is coming up. I CAN DO IT!!!!!!. Officially 1 month and 2 weeks since I quit smoking. HELL YES!
700pm Finish eating 3oz sweet potato and some meatloaf, waited 45min and headed to the gym.
Oh I did have 2 “sugar cookies”. LOL.
I got to the gym at 820pm and hit:
Assisted pull ups for 5 sets.
Row for 4 sets
Back Ext 3-4 sets (I forgot)
Lat pulldown 4 sets
A different row set up 2 sets
Treadmill 20 min level 10-12 Speed 2.5-3.1
Finally added cardio.. :(:( and super pissed there were no stair masters. I SAID CARDIO SHOULD ONLY BE THE STAIRMASTER (in my case) and they weren’t getting off anytime soon. There were only 2 because the 3 was broken. Pieces of shit. ugh. but whatever.. In about 2 months ill be going from 20 min of cardio to 2 hours of cardio lol. CANT WAIT
930pm I had a protein shake (myofusion and pb2 again) for after the workout.
10pm Studying for 30-45min then IM HITTING THE SACK! ugh can’t wait to lay and bed, stretch and get some well needed rest 🙂

And the motivation for the day:


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