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Oh boy.

Second Iphone stolen within 3 months. No insurance, like an idiot. Why? because with the insurance, my bill would exceed $150 a month.. Thought I wouldn’t have to deal with another jackass… I thought wrong.

It’s been almost a week without one. Not that it matters TOO much without having a phone.. but boy do I take it for granted. I can no longer nap because my dumbass has no alarm to wake me up. My clients cancel and I have no way of knowing. It’s the basic shit that I miss.. Not Facebook, Instagram or even Snapchat… I just want to be able to take a nap!

So, no photos of our Ice fishing trip to Wisconsin during Valentines day, no progress pictures, no duckface selfies… no nothing. Lost it all, again.

Smh.

On top of that, I am getting recertified as a personal trainer via NASM. They give you 180 days to complete and pass the test. My boss told me I needed it in 60 days. A week or two ago, it was no longer 60 days, but rather 27. If that doesn’t put stress on someone, I don’t know what will. It’s terrifying really. Not because I lack confidence which we all know.. but because I suck at taking tests and I really needed that time. I paid $800 for it and IF I don’t pass, it’s another $200 to try again. No, not being pessimistic, just laying it out there..

So.. I’m sure you can tell I am stressed out like a MF! Everything is taking a toll on me. My boss comes up to me and starts hounding me about the test and how I need it within the next week and a half.. I blew up at him. I have been such a basket case, that I feel like I can no longer control my emotions. I felt horrible. I still do. I apologize and got him a GC shortly after because I was so embarrassed about my actions…

Needless to say, Friday is my first therapist appointment. I need to talk to someone.. I need to get everything out and have someone say, ‘youre not crazy”.. I need someone to give me something to work with because I am slowly self destructing.

Work outs have been good, and I have been staying on track. Although with everything going on, I am having a hard time eating. I have to literally force myself to eat. Any other time before this, I would have loved not having an appetite.. Yeah.. that was the anorexic me.. the fit me shoves food down my throat so I don’t lose the precious muscle I have been slaving for..

Shits rough right now, but I’ll get through it by the grace of God.

 

 

 

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Rants and Raves.

I constantly see feed on my Facebook of girls who are physically ripped to pieces, then verbally ripped to pieces. Just because you don’t personally like someones physique, doesn’t mean you should suddenly start speaking your mind. Regardless if its physically appealing, how is the dedication the commitment the complete and utter consistency and persistence to keep pushing hard each and every single day, not?

3 different body types. All have been critised one way or another..

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This lifestyle isn’t easy. We have our good days and probably double the bad ones.
But what makes us stand out the most, is that we don’t give up, ESPECIALLY during the grueling days that present themselves. We push harder those days. We wake up tired and hungry but with each day that passes we are one step closer to achieving dreams we have made for ourselves.

How many of you can say you do that on a daily basis? Consistently push 100% for something that you hope one day all comes together? I must admit.. just writing these words right here right now makes me feel like just because I don’t feel accomplished in this world yet, that I will one day become unstoppable. I know who I am, but I also know who I want to be. I come off as mean and intimidating to those who don’t know me. I think they call that a “bitch” nowadays? The thing is though, is I can be. I’ll admit it. I have been so hurt in the last 24 years that its true, I can be ruthless at times. I don’t take shit life is way too short for that, but just because I have a tough exterior doesn’t mean I am not this soft loving person inside. I want to break this habit that everyone has to be mean to people they don’t know. As the days tick on, I realize how much hate is indeed infesting this world and how little love is spread. This world needs people sticking together, to work together. Whatever anyone amounts to be in this world, we will never leave it. The ground is where we all will lay to rest one day, a ground that lie just about every enemy we think we’ve had.Sorry, I can get carried away. Point is, if we arent bettering ourselves each and every day, we have no room to speak about others. Yes, opinions are like assholes, every one has one.. Well aware, but why try to belittle someones accomplishments? We know it clearly has nothing to do with them, but something you may be lacking in your own life. Anyways I am no ones therapist, so lets keep it simple. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

Silence is a source of great strength.

Remember that.

So with each day forward I want to become something better. I don’t want to be that person that everyone thinks I am. I will always have those certain walls up but doesn’t mean I don’t have a door and I can’t come out and play. Little do you know, I want to spread my knowledge and help those who are looking for it. I want to help you change your life.ย  I want to help you feel the power behind having a passion, achieving an accomplishment.

I will one day leave my mark in this world. I think although still very naive and opinionated, that I am strong, willed enough to push through these obstacles I set for myself. Conquer your mind and you can conquer the world.

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Project Clean Up!

I finally decided to sit down and write. I don’t know what I am going to write, but I have a crap ton of photos, that will help in describing my life in the last couple of weeks.

Things have been hectic to say the least.. Studying for NASM, going through transitions at work and at home, and just trying to stay on the road I think is best. Its been hard, and I am not afraid or ashamed to say, that even though hesitant at first, I think its best if I talk to someone professionally. I have too many outside biased opinions that I feel cloud my mind at times. I want to sit down and explain myself and figure out if I really am crazy.. Okay a little dramatic, but I do feel it sometimes.

The one thing that is getting me by, is the group of friends I’ve previously mentioned. Having such a tight-knit group is something I can’t explain. I guess I have never experienced this kind of true friendship. Its awesome.. that’s just put it that way.. Not to forget that I have learned SO much.. more than I have in the last 4 years trying to get by on my own. 6 months with these people and I feel like a new and improved person. They make me feel good.. at all times.. I think that’s so important during the stressful times of contest prep, or just simply living the life of someone who works at a gym.. someone who takes it seriously (yes I have to put a disclaimer.. I see your sales guys eating McDonald’s over there)… such a shame.

Any who.. enough lovey dovey shit.. I have been eating like crap for the last week. Burgers.. upon burgers.. ice cream, frozen yogurt, McDonald’s.. You name it, I probably had it. This is a great way to start loading pictures, dont cha think ;P

@SMOKE bbq

@SMOKE bbq

Idk why that last picture is blurry but not like we needed it anyways. We DEMOLISHED our food @bulldogs in grayslake. I had the mac daddy. This was last night... haha. ANDDDD.. not pictured but same night, the boy came over and we got Mcflurrys. The next time you get one, ask for hot fudge (with the oreo of course). You will not be sorry!

Idk why that last picture is blurry but not like we needed it anyways. We DEMOLISHED our food @bulldogs in grayslake. I had the mac daddy. This was last night… haha. ANDDDD.. not pictured but same night, the boy came over and we got Mcflurrys. The next time you get one, ask for hot fudge (with the oreo of course). You will not be sorry!

The only reason, I am randomly adding this progress picture in, is because this was the morning before the night of the burgers (above pictured). I have literally eaten like crap, and this is how I woke up, after alllllllll the food about to be pictured...

The only reason, I am randomly adding this progress picture in, is because this was the morning before the night of the burgers (above pictured). I have literally eaten like crap, and this is how I woke up, after alllllllll the food about to be pictured…

Sushi @Dragonfly in Chicago. We LOVE this place. So amazing. We also had orange steak and prok fried rice. We. get. down.

Sushi @Dragonfly in Chicago. We LOVE this place. So amazing. We also had orange steak and pork fried rice. We. get. down.

Night of dragonfly, clearly loving life.

Night of dragonfly, clearly loving life.

I suppose I should of started with this pic, but the whole reason we were downtown and had sushi was because I had to take a 3 hour CPR class that I was almost late too because of chicago traffic during any type of weather change... BUTTTTTTTT I passed! Notice the isopure ;)

I suppose I should have started with this pic, but the whole reason we were downtown and had sushi was because I had to take a 3 hour CPR class that I was almost late too because of chicago traffic during any type of weather change… BUTTTTTTTT I passed! Notice the isopure ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post sushi. :O The boy snap chatted me this picture lol. I swear the options were endless!!!!!

Post sushi. :O The boy snap chatted me this picture lol. I swear the options were endless!!!!!

@Coldstone. I never skimp on the deliciousness here. The boy always gets a smoothie or some weird thing.. Here I believe I actually got one of their premade options. It was oreo hot fudge and chocolate chips... sweet cream icecream... mmmmmmmm

@Coldstone. I never skimp on the deliciousness here. The boy always gets a smoothie or some weird thing.. Here I believe I actually got one of their premade options. It was oreo hot fudge and chocolate chips… sweet cream icecream… mmmmmmmm

I obviously had a few bites of his icecream but get this... icecream 2.99 my apple?????? 3.09!!!!!!!!!!!!! But they were on sale for 2.99 meaning my apple was a little over a lb! lmao..

I obviously had a few bites of his icecream but get this… icecream 2.99 my apple?????? 3.09!!!!!!!!!!!!! But they were on sale for 2.99 meaning my apple was a little over a lb! lmao..

@fiveguys. Bacon Burger....... Cajun fries..... I was in heaven.

@fiveguys. Bacon Burger……. Cajun fries….. I was in heaven.

This was about 2-3 days into crapping eating but still lifting like a badass. No cardio. Night AFTER sushi.. (above).

This was about 2-3 days into crapping eating but still lifting like a badass. No cardio. Night AFTER sushi.. (above).

Leg progress. Super happy with them lately.

Leg progress. Super happy with them lately.

soooo cold out! random selfie ;P

soooo cold out! random selfie ;P

My new bag LOVE, new aminos LOVE and my resistance bands for pull ups!!!!!

My new bag LOVE, new aminos LOVE and my resistance bands for pull ups!!!!!

10oz ribeye @outback. SOOOOOOOOO good. you have the option for grilled or pan with seasoned. I asked for it to be seasoned but grilled and it could not have been better. Funny story or not story but fact, this but his steak and an appetizer cost the same as when we go to Buffalo Wild Wings. Isnt that nuts?!

10oz ribeye @outback. SOOOOOOOOO good. you have the option for grilled or pan with seasoned. I asked for it to be seasoned but grilled and it could not have been better. Funny story or not story but fact, this but his steak and an appetizer cost the same as when we go to Buffalo Wild Wings. Isnt that nuts?!

Beginning of the year 2014'

Beginning of the year 2014′

So, as you may know I am an avid believer in eating clean. However, I don’t know exactly what went on here. I didn’t calorie count or track anything (besides the pictures), but you can tell I wasn’t shy about those calories consumed. I enjoyed every last bite of every meal I ate in the last week. That I get, but what confuses me is that I didn’t change my work out regimenย  to adapt to the significantly higher calories in my diet, but I still maintained if not IMPROVED my physique. Yes I am not stage lean-to ANY extent, but I feel like I have actually never looked better. Maybe they really were magic cookies…

Haha inside joke.. I have started a cookie binge and it’s catching on like a virus! I swear they’re not magic! This is not a trend, do NOT follow! haha… I think my body was just going crazy and even it didn’t know what to do with itself..BUT today, I have started from scratch. Chicken and veggies for meeeeeeeee. Lets see what happens.. I mean,, if crap food and no added exercise made me look like this.. I can only imagined if I cleaned things up!

Back to some good read though. I deadlifted 225 no problem. No straps.. just chalk. About 4 months ago, I attempted this. I stood by the bar and couldn’t budge it. I strapped up, had a spot and maybe hit 3 reps. Just the other day, after about 6 reps of continuously adding weight, we threw on 225 just for shits and giggles. Chalked up and repped it out. Literally. It was nuts. So nuts, that I feel that I may have been spotted the whole time. She says all she did was bring my shoulders back but maybe that’s what it took to get it up?? So.. after were all recovered, I want to try it again.. no spot.. no bullshit. Until then… I spotted 225 ๐Ÿ˜‰

….and the best part of my last couple of weeks?

Just so happened to happen about 2 days ago. I was training a client that I have had ever since i made the switch to Waukegan. He was coming in 2 times a week in the morning with another trainer. That trainer changed his schedule and could no longer train him. I met with him, at which point he couldnt go up or down the stairs without holding on due to a bad motorcycle accident. As far as I was told, when he first started with the gym he was had a cane (previously in wheelchair for weeks). Weight loss had always been a goal, but we really needed to focus on reworking the muscles for basic human movements. starting from scratch, we needed to work on our foundation. Slowly but surely all the progress was really made on the scale. Eventually a couple of months in, he was super happy about going up and down the stairs no problem. He literally hustled! It was awesome. Another time he came in and asked to give me a hug. Later explained hunting was no longer painful, No longer took an ATV out, instead walks to where he sets up shop. But what was major BADASS (and I am so sorry I don’t have a video. You can check out Phitness Aesthetics on Facebook or my Instagram, Maristheshit), was when we took me to our little room and said he needed to show me something. I already knew I wanted to video tape it so you hear him saying I’m going to make fun of him! He first walks up and down on both legs over a few step ups. I’m super happy already but again you hear him say, but that isn’t even the best part. YOU SEE THE EXCITEMENT ON HIS FACE, as he attempts to BOX JUMP IT!!! AND HE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A couple of times too!!!!!! It was so amazing. I showed it to my co worker who previously trained him and he said he had tears in his eyes, if not everyone who saw it. People were amazed and they didn’t even know it. Ugh! You have to see the video now.. I’ll try to upload it..

Shit it really wont let me.

Meet Doug. He was one of my first clients when I made the move to Waukegan (6months ago). He could barely walk up the stairs without holding on to something (due to a bad motorcycle accident), so you could tell how much of an improvement since then by his excitement in the first part of the video. Little did I know, that wasn't even the half of it. He BOX JUMPED THAT SHIT!!!!!!! I was speechless. When it comes to #fitness, people assume it's all about #weightloss. Now, if done properly (and with a well balanced #nutrition), weight loss should occur… But sometimes our focus should be more on learning (or relearning) basic human movements and correcting any imbalances that may have occurred (during injury or constant bad form ext). A huge thanks to @phitness_aesthetics and the wide range of knowledge this team possesses.

A post shared by Marissa ๐Ÿ’‹ (@maristheshit) on

See if that will work.. If Not.. just google maristheshit or find me on instagram. Any who.. I’m just going to leave on that note.. It was just too awesome not too!

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Playing catch up!

It seems that when I get overwhelmed, my blogging takes a hiatus. I think that’s because at times, blogging overwhelms me. I never proofread because I will end up highlight select all delete that shit.

So.. please excuse my lack of consistency and spelling errors.

Lets begin shall we. As one would guess, yes I am stressed. Overwhelmed is such a great word though.. fits me perfectly.. or this situation rather. Though I seem to use it quite frequently. Hmm.. Any who.. things have been good things have been bad, the only difference than before is I feel like I am keeping my head above water. That staying afloat, is not as hard as I was making it out to be.

I don’t care what life throws at me anymore.. Ill be scared when things stop and I have nothing to dodge anymore.. I mean… Just because you were given something, or dealt a shitty hand in life, doesn’t mean there’s only one solution.. that you have to continue on to a less successful path. You can make something out of nothing and I no longer want to coast through life. I want to make something happen. I want to start at the bottom through my trials and tribulations and just soar. I want to live. I am in the prime of my time. No rent, no bills (cell, insurance food ext but that’s it), no children, nothing should be stopping me. I have used my sister’s situation in as comparison and just because she’s about to finish school because financially she was helped, doesn’t mean I can’t. Just because NOTHING… I really am sick and tired of it.

I go off on tangents and I just don’t know when to quit.

Like this picture for example. One night I got upset, and instead of writing on the notepad app, I took to instagram. This was pretty recent and I just kept typing.

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Brighter side of things that just so happens to add to the stress, I am taking my NASM certification in 3 months. Stoked to have it on my resume, but nervous about the level of skill it will take to pass this test. I am just hoping with my 4 levels of experience that SOMETHING has caught on.. never mind.. just wish me luck lol..

Outside of constantly being busy with studying the next couple of months, I am training for a show. I don’t even know if I mentioned I was doing one last year (that I ended up NOT doing), but 2014 is going to be my next debut ;P I have a great team working with me and I cannot be happier. Working at this _ _ fitness has really opened my eyes up to the corporate world but even more so to some really incredible people. I am so blessed to finally have a group of people that know whats up. Life isnt about partying and bullshitting around.. Yes I would rather be at home in bed, but I at least want to be working on SOMETHING productive in my life. I don’t want all that bullshit. I want to focus and stay motivated in what I want to achieve in the next couple of months/year. I want to prove to MYSELF, no one else, myself that I can do this. I want to be lean. I want to be strong. I want to pass this NASM test so I feel like I do have some intelligence. I have so much that I want to knock off the list for 2014.

I am, however, making a promise to myself that if I am not where I want to be (or at least attempting it) that I will quit my job and go help people. I don’t care if it’s in chicago feeding the homeless, to moving to Africa to help children read. I think that sounds like a legit goal/promise.. Yeah, im gonna go with that.

So, that being said. I am currently 12 weeks out. I start my diet tomorrow which consists of a little carb cycling. I seem to pick up results pretty quickly with this. I will be taking progress pictures and as long as I get around to it, Ill post them weekly. I wont be doing any cardio for the first couple of weeks. No cardio as in, you wont be seeing my ass on a treadmill.. will you see me jumping around on a bench doing ski jumps or box jumps? You betchya!

Lets leave you with a few pictures. Some are just a few weeks of recap, and the my recent XMAS trip to Wisconsin. Enjoy! And don’t forget to check back in a week for simple fitness tips tricks and recipes. Man.. my blog is getting boring quick.

First snow storm with Marley.

First snow storm with Marley.

Ice skating in Chicago <3

Ice skating in Chicago โค

Yes this went down. BBQ chicken pizza from Papa Johns. AH-mazing.

Yes this went down. BBQ chicken pizza from Papa Johns. AH-mazing.

Still got em.. sort of.. ;P

Still got em.. sort of.. ;P

Ashley Horner. My Motivation for life.

Ashley Horner. My Motivation for life.

Up in Wisco. This is a screenshot of a video the boy took. It was hilarious but I cant post it. :$

Up in Wisco. This is a screenshot of a video the boy took. It was hilarious but I cant post it. :$

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SELFIE!!! Beautiful scenery in Wisconsin.

SELFIE!!! Beautiful scenery in Wisconsin.

Last but not least, just most recent my crazy insane red hair color.

Last but not least, just most recent my crazy insane red hair color.

Yeah… my blogs like that.

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Procrastination Post.

Figured I would take this time to reflect. One because I usually do on Sundays and two because things are either about to get a lot better or a lot worse. My boyfriend broke up with me today. Okay maybe he didn’t but long story short, we should have a long time ago. He wanted to talk about it, I simply want to wake away liking him as an amazing person that he is rather someone I despise. Who knows but after this post, I am going to bed. My head hurts and I honestly was going to go out and eat a “cheat meal” aka emotional binge and validating it like a boss. But I didn’t. And I am glad that I didn’t. I had an amazing leg work out, 30 minutes of incline walking, and 2 games of basketball in which I can hardly move. It may be a combination of a ridiculous work out and me taking out 2 guys during a game of basketball. Awkward. yet So badass. My battle wounds are getting better day by day. Lol.. kidding.. but seriously let me enjoy it because I could barely walk up and down the stairs yesterday..

You should see how bad it is now.. lol

You should see how bad it is now.. lol

Workouts have been on point and so was eating. I ended the four-week no cheat and felt like shit doing it. I don’t know. Thinking going lighter.. or at least find a way I feel less guilty about it. Anyways. Not unhappy at all. My body is definitely making progress and I am super stoked. I just need to stay consistent. It is literally key.

Yesterdays leg work out, which I was not excited to find out they were doing legs when I walked in. They were literally mid hack squat and me almost not making the work out, realized I would not have been unhappy if I did. Lol. But it was awesome. I felt (or didn’t feel lol) things I havent felt in a while. Justine had to literally extend a hand to help me off. It was crazy, exhilarating and hurt so damn bad. But good. ya know? ;p My legs were numb. H actually checked my legs out to make sure I didn’t tear anything. Crazy. Lol.. And to think that was JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE WORKOUT@!!!!!! Anyways we did some leg curls ext jefferson squats which are just annoying.. and finished with jumps squats I believe. It was insane. I chilled for a bit and went to chipotle. I ordered food and yet I was not hungry. I felt like I wanted to puke smelling everything. I ended up enjoying the water more than anything.. So I saved 1/2 of it and drank some Gatorade. I finished with clients, did 30 minutes of incline walking with Cylia and late at night played 2 games of basketball after Todd asked H but he declined. After first so did I but after they played a game he got me to play. It was nuts. My legs hurt so bad. We won. That is all.

Lmao.

I am slowing getting better. Going to lift back tomorrow which I am actually quite happy about. I want to post some progress ISH pictures. Mostly because in this picture I finally went under 150lbs! It was about damn time. Lol. Not that I care but it was a little small hooray type ordeal.

Imaweirdo.com

Imaweirdo.com

just chillen in the chipotle bathroom! 147lbs!

just chillen in the chipotle bathroom! 147lbs!

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Wednesday: Clearly I haven’t found enough time to get to a wifi connection to post this. I have friday off so I will edit and post. I let this whole break up ruin my work out today. Then I ate some oreos. I realized that I take care of everyone before myself. I am 50% sure I want this break up. I validate binging and eating like shit on any bad situation. enjoy in the time, then hate myself not for eating it because I clearly loved it but hate that I am either behind now on how I want to look or I have more work to do. Knowing that I set myself back is the only reason I feel guilty about eating crap food. MMMMMMM I dont know. I feel sad.

#Americanhorrostory brb ;P

Thursday: Passed out after AHS. I love this show. Slept in, rescheduled the two clients I had. My body hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts. I’ve been crying lately. Speaking of crying.. I was on facebook.. yep reactivated it.. and it was a series of photos that this husband took of his wife while going thru cancer. It was so touching. So sad, but the very last picture was her tombstone that read “I loved it all”, and as I am sitting here hurting over a hard lesson of a break up and this women was battling cancer and still loved life. I instantly was wiping tears from my face and really needed to take some time to reflect on all of this.

I will not allow it to succumb me. You can either crumble or you can conquer and conquer I sure as fuck will.

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NPC Ironman Bikini

Pictures from The NPC Ironman I saw this weekend.

Pictures from The NPC Ironman I saw this weekend.

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Top 3 Physique

Cylia getting teased with Nutella 2 weeks out!

Cylia getting teased with Nutella 2 weeks out!

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I can’t stay on top of this blog if my life depended on it..

It’s 10:06pm and I am tired as hell. I have 4 clients tomorrow starting at 6am, so that doesn’t make me a very happy girl. I love sleep and waking up at 4-5am does NOT get any easier with time… BUT I figured since I wrote last post how I have been on point with writing blogs, that the longer I go without writing the next one makes me look like an idiot. Guess I jinxed myself there lol. It’s really because once again, I have been super overwhelmed. I feel like I can never get ahead and oh would you look at that? I have yet to do anything about anything I am currently struggling with. I just don’t understand. It is like when I use to binge.. you like that? USE to.. Haven’t in forever and do NOT plan on going back to that life (then again, I have yet to compete again so who knows. However, wishful thinking). I KNOW binging would make matters worse, yet I would continue to do it. It;s like the same concept. I bitch about things in my life yet do nothing but bitch. I don’t know. All I do know is I need to get my head out of my ass.

I don’t know where I left off but I do know that I didn’t talk about my weekend which was actually super amazing. Saturday I met the wonderful Vevian (fitalicious_me) from instagram in chicago. I had my boyfriend drop me off and we went to a bar called Old Town Pour House I believe. It was definitely not the sit down and get to know someone type because I could barely hear her but long story short this chick is AMAZING! She started off in the instagram world as anyone normally would but things have skyrocketed for her and I could not be any happier. She flys to people’s houses and helps them create meals that are short of ingredients (the less the better!) and cost wise, next to nothing! She is just beautiful inside and out and has opened my eyes to becoming something better. In the short time that I have known her she has opened my eyes to dreaming big but being proactive about making them come true. She is a true inspiration and I wish her nothing but the best. After a few diet cokes and a girl throwing up on me later, we went to another bar across the street. This one was called benchmark and was even louder than the last. We stayed for a little while and after my boyfriend came we left not long after that.

On our way!

On our way!

The boy and I ended up grabbing food at Maxwell Street in Chicago. Before I go into what I ate this weekend, let me disclaimer the fuck out of it and tell you this was my last weekend to have whatever I wanted. I decided I am going to go without a cheat meal for 4 weeks (just in time for my birthday ๐Ÿ˜‰ Just to see how I look and how I come in. Just a little something I am doing for myself. That being said, I got a double hamburger, a hotdog (which was ok lol) and a side of fries. Their fries are amazing and I could eat them all day. Afterwards, we headed home. The next morning I got his ass up after numerous times (he is NOT a morning person), because I wanted to go to the taste of chicago. Around 12:30 we were out the door. In the car ride there we had planned to visit a friend that owns Dragonfly (a FANTASTIC sushi place) after we strolled the fest. However, we decided to get sushi before the taste (mostly because all I wanted at the taste was ice cream lol) so that’s what we ended up doing. Chi met us there and sat us down. After the waitress arrived to take our drink order he had 4 drinks placed. A peach sangria (amazing), a regular sangria, a mojito and a jack and coke for the man. I literally had a buffet of drinks in front of me.

My favorite was the one on the right. The peach sangria!

My favorite was the one on the right. The peach sangria!

Now I am NOT a drinker. I may have once before but I think its pointless to drink all those calories especially when you can have a delicious cupcake for the same amount. Yes. This is how I think. THAT and because even after these drinks plus another 2 mocasto’s I was sober. It has happened to me a lot before. I will drink 6 shots in 30 minutes, or shotgun this, drink that and STONE COLD S O B E R. Now.. it’s not like I want to get shitface wasted, but not even tispy for all those calories? Yeah, no thank you. Anyways after that, we ordered our food. We got about 4 rolls (imo gimo? is my fave) and a side of BBQ pork fried rice. Yes, we are fat kids inside. Well.. after we ate, and said our goodbyes we sat in the car for about 15 minutes in a straight food coma. Another long story short, we never did make it to that taste….. lol. We headed home and laid around till the food settled. Around 9:30pm we got up and went to Oberweis played a few games of checkers (I won :P) then got a movie (The Call- SUPER GOOD!).. and relaxed for the rest of the night.

Look @ all those drinks! and there was only 2 people sitting there.. haha

Look @ all those drinks! and there was only 2 people sitting there.. haha

SUSHI!

SUSHI!

Considering today is Wednesday night, I will cut all the crap out from the last few days and let you know that I have stayed true to my No Cheat till my birthday promise. I didn’t work out at the gym Monday (I was too exhausted) but I did do a work out at home. Tuesday and Wednesday though, I busted my ass. Tuesday was a leg day (feeling the effects of it as I type this) and today was a shoulder day. Two of my fave. Actually.. Chest day and Back have also become my favorite. Mostly because I have been benching lately and want to see myself bench 135lb. Back, because I have been slowly but surely doing body weight pull-ups and have a goal of at least 20 by either the end of summer, or by my competition (sometime in oct or nov lol. Idk the exact date, all I know is that its about 18 weeks out). So instead of having a weight loss or body fat goal, I want to get stronger* (again, will explain these asterisks at a later time). I can currently squat 135/145 (my body weight), box squat probably 185lb, bench 95lb and only do 3 spull-up (that IS after I do work outs though so I am not quite sure if I can do more when I am at my strongest).. I don’t know. I really want to do a powerlifting competition or a CrossFit one.. something other than getting judged on how my body looks in a bikini. I want more.

My diet has been somewhat challenging. Going through a rough time so I feel like all I do is spend my money on gas, bills and food. I have a diet plan written up but I don’t know if I could afford eating that much. I am trying though.

Today’s Diet looked as follows:
4:30am Quest Bar
7am Banana
9am 1/2 roll up (tons of fiber and protein) w/ 1/2c tuna
1130pm A spinach smoothie with 1/2 lemon and strawberries with 1/2c greek yogurt (this messed my stomach up. I have acid reflux and I need to stop drinking these delicious smoothies)
12pm Shoulder Work Out and 1 scoop of a 2:1 carb to protein shake (Idk if this is a good idea yet)
2:30pm 15 minutes of a fat burning cardio session
2:45pm 1/2c whole wheat pasta, 1/2c ground turkey and 1/2c organic pasta sauce
5pm A pita bread with 2 TBS natural PB (probably more but I had to finish and scrape every last ounce out of it before I threw away that $6 jar of greatness)
8pm 3 small chicken breasts, 1/2c cottage cheese and some broccoli
1045pm Now that I think about what time it is I might go grab some brown rice with ground turkey because reading what I wrote I did not meet any of my needs. EAT TO GROW PEOPLE and I’ll be damnedddddd if I don;t at least try.

Oh and insert 25 almonds and another tablespoon of PB. I REALLY need to lay off the peanut butter for a while..

That was pretty much it. I burned probably around 600 calories during my workout. Here are a few progress pictures:

This was post all that crappy food. I figured it was best to take the first progress picture all water weighted down :)

This was post all that crappy food. I figured it was best to take the first progress picture all water weighted down ๐Ÿ™‚

7/17/13

7/17/13

Ahhh.. 6 hours to sleep. Sleep also helps muscles so I better go ;P More later, I promise :*

P.S now it is WAY to late to edit this so I apologize in advance if everything blows donkey peepee.

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(insert an awesome title here)!

*Have been trying to post this since last night. So yes, I am well aware today is not in fact sunday..

Sunday Funday! 

and 3 work outs later.. yep. That’s right, 3. I left the boys house around 10am and headed to the LA right by his house. I did 45 minutes of cardio 408 calories burned, 27% from fat. I went home, ate, and chit chatted with the mom. I then went to Round Lake for a full body work out, burning 813 calories, 40% from fat. I then went back home ate again, then went for an hour walk with mom and Marley. That I think burned 477 calories. That was a tough one. The minute I walked out there I started cramping up. Mom said we didn’t have to go the entire time but sometimes you just have to push yourself.

I have been working out a lot lately only having to take a few days off when I go up to Wisconsin for July 4th. Staying till sunday all I will be doing is practically eating and fishing lol. I don’t mind but definitely not a few hundred calorie work out… Planning to do a little run in the morning. Wake up run do some lunges squats.. you know a little cardio made fun. Can’t wait for the pictures to be taken. It is so beautiful I don’t think I’ll mind running one bit!

Yes.. that means I hate running.

Eating A LOT of eggs lately..

Eating A LOT of eggs lately..

Just a few things I have been eating..

GRAPENUTS ARE AMAZING. nuff' said.

GRAPENUTS ARE AMAZING. nuff’ said.

Still paying attention to what I am eating. Someone left a comment and asked if I changed my diet when I messed my shiat up… and to be honest if I did I wouldn’t remember enough to explain it. lol.. I just laid off it a bit (work out wise) and massaged the crap out of it. Speaking of which, I need to do more of. I barely stretch and I am ruining my body by not doing so (see below picture). That, or I am going to heavy too quickly. Take this picture I posted on instagram/fb the other day, hoping to get some answers..

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Do you see that dent in my leg? Apparently it’s from an IT band being too tight. Mostly likely resulting in a pulled/teared muscle. Yep. Lol. I will list the couple of websites that were posted to help explain it. I don’t have it on the other leg and it doesn’t hurt at all. Just.. weird looking. I may of first thought that it was water weight because I had a small indent in the back of my butt a little further down my hamstring. It went away the leaner I got though..

Interesting to say the least..
Last night, I went to the boys and wanted to go to dinner. While he was taking a shower I sat down and wrote my macros out. I was dead on with my carbs, a little lower on the calories but nowhere near the protein amounts. That being said, I knew I wanted a steak :). He threw out Joes Crab Shack and me being a non seafood person, meh but I agreed once I knew they served steaks. So I was excited. However, in the bathroom he was talking with a friend and “made plans” to meet at a pizza place. Now.. I wasn’t upset that he wanted to go with another couple even though I like spending time alone with him, nor was it the pizza place because this was IN FACT one of the pizza joints I am DYING to go.. it was the fact that I knew the majority of shit I’d be eating was carbs. That didn’t make me happy. I NEEDED more protein (I have been counting my macros for the last few days)!! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ So of course I practically through a fit because I suck at communication but seriously, don’t mess with me when it comes to food. But honestly, if I wasn’t competing or even thinking about competing I wouldn’t of cared. Could I have just dealt with it and went anyways? probably.. but who am I trying to impress? I don’t NEED to hang out with people (hence why I spend so much time at home) but what I do need to do is appreciate him and do things I sometimes don’t want to do for the sole fact of this relationship.. ugh.. always a work in progress.

MEEEEEEEEEAT!

MEEEEEEEEEAT!

*Sorry babe. I can tell you were some what upset about not hanging out with your friends just to please me. It makes me sad that I feel as selfish as I do. I don’t know. We made a pack tonight that we will work on things and I promise to keep that. But just know I am sorry okay?

So tomorrow gotta be up at 4:15 am to train a client. I will probably stay after my second to do 30 minutes of cardio before I go home. I don’t think I have any more clients till 2 because some of them are going on vacation. That will give me enough time to work out and finish the day around 9. I am leaving Wednesday night after work so getting in as many clients those 3 days as I can. So, I will be extremely tired even more than I normally am. Lucky for me, most of my next few days consist of fishing/ tanning on a boat. Looking forward to it, a little getaway. Hoping to hike this one mountain cliff thing down the street. We always pass it but the last few times we’ve been there to ice fish so obviously I aint doing shit that involves a lot of work outside in the cold. No. thank you. Not for me. Not going to happen. Ice fishing I’m at least sitting in a tent with a heater. I hate the cold. Everything about it :(.

I’ll be taking progress pictures soon (before and after vaca). Way too bloated the last few days so hoping when everything works its way out, I will be happy with what I see. Not saying I’m not. But I will be happy to wake up to my abs again. Working on those suckers too. Normally all I do is planks and I stick with a clean diet. But I want to see them more. Yes get lean but have them defined. Getting stronger though, no doubt. That’s one thing I wanted to talk about but think I should save it for another blog post. It’s in regards to how I want to be viewed by others. Not for the attention, nor would it matter what people had to say because I have heard it all before but it’s something I want people to get out of what I am trying to do.

About a week ago..

About a week ago..

Today 7/1/13

Today 7/1/13

7/1/13

7/1/13

Oh! You would think I should just blab it by now. But I want to put more thought into it unlike I feel like I do with most of these posts. I want this post to be meaningful because its something that gets brought up all the time in my life. How I view myself. A hard question that even right now, I wouldn’t be comfortable answering, but one in which I am working towards each and every day. So stay tuned. Or don’t, whatever ;P

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Friday night and I am updating my blog. Exciting much?!

Feeling like crap today. Had a couple of good work outs the last few days after having 4 days off. I did an upper body work out on thursday (last week) and on saturday morning I felt completely paralyzed. Even the blanket that I was sleeping with felt like concrete. I had to go into work for a few hours and even that wasn’t a good idea. I tried to show a client how to do a shoulder press with a 20lb BB and I could barely lift it. It only got worse after that. I felt like I tore shit up. The only thing I can think of is when I did BW (body weight) pull ups. I am only use to doing assisted pull ups so I figured that I ACTUALLY used my back muscles and they were NOT excited about it. THENNNNN I couldn’t even fully extend my right arm without shooting pain. H thought I pinched a nerve, but its probably my body telling me to back the fuck off for a bit. So I did. Then went back at it as soon as I felt better…. Story of my life. I feel good though outside of .. other issues.. girl issues. But they are hitting me hard. I did 30 minutes on the stair master which seem to subside the pain but as soon as I stepped off of it, pain was even worse. Luckily I only had a few more clients and got to go home and get medicine. Friday night will consist of red box and egg whites.

Why egg whites you may ask? Lmao.. Because I finally decided to track my macros (macronutrients: fats, protein, carbs) and holy shit no wonder I have been stuck at 150lbs. 8pm and I’ve already consumed 1500 calories 175g carbs 50g fat 80g protein. H and I discussed what I should be hitting and the totals were 1700 calories 180g carbs 60g fat 180g protein. So in other words.. I have 200 calories left and need about 5g carbs, 10g fat and 100g protein.. Yeah.. good luck with that. I really didn’t plan anything all I did was track what I would normally eat from day to day… Knowing that, it has truly opened my eyes considering I would probably have 1-2 more meals before I went to bed tonight.. That being said, I really need to start paying attention to what I am eating. I guess I never really cared because I wasn’t gaining weight but now I want to try to start leaning out. I am only doing about 2 sessions of 30 minutes of cardio so yes I could do more. I could also do a little more of high intensity lifting instead of counting calories/carbs ext but I don’t want to lose anything that I have worked for via cardio. I made that mistake my first bikini competition and will not do it again. That and cardio sucks. A lot. I mean.. come on.. unless you’re boxing or doing plyos or something, the treadmill/stair master and I definitely have a love hate relationship going on. I hate it, but love what cardio does for the body (well.. when you are smart about it). My polar heart rate (GOOGLE!! It is one of the best inventions ever) tracks my calories burned via my work outs and its about 4-5000 calories a week. Again, thats practically straight lifting.

So, what does 1500 calories look like? Well, today I had:

Breakfast:
1/2 c grape nuts (straight addicted to them) 200cals

1/2 c milk 60cals
1/2 c watermelon 30cals
4 pieces of turkey bacon 100cals

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Protein shake:
6oz greek yogurt 100cals
1/2 c blueberries w/ water 84cals

Post Work Out:
1 WW pita bread 200cals
2 TBS peanut butter 210cals

Dinner:
6oz chicken/beef 230cals
1c brown rice 230cals

Snack:
1/2 c cottage cheese 90cals

I also had some egg whites I didn’t account for. So.. clearly over 1500 calories. Unreal. I was probably having at least 2000 calories a day. Granted I probably burned more on those days (Only burned about 300 calories on the stair master today).. but still. That’s A LOT!

Oh man. I am def going to put more thought into what I am doing now that I am getting serious about my training. I am seeing results though and feel like I am getting stronger but that scale is NOT budging. I really could care less.. but its clearly because I am consuming a crap ton of food!

Post eating deep fried mac and cheese, funnel stix and a burger with cheese fries!

Post eating deep fried mac and cheese, funnel stix and a burger with cheese fries!

Nothing too special, but the definition I am seeing in my arms is 100% more than I have ever seen before..

Nothing too special, but the definition I am seeing in my arms is 100% more than I have ever seen before..

Here are a few progress pictures to end this blog because I am getting super tired and want to do a spin class tomorrow morning. If you haven’t tried one, I suggest you do some time. It is a GREAT work out (if you actually put effort into it) and really enhances your endurance quickly. I’ve burned over 1000 calories in a class.. meaning.. I CAN EAT! lol.. I’m jk.. don’t look at it like that, think of food as fuel. Speaking of which..ย  Had a younger girl today puke on me. Not literally.. just via my training session with her. Can you guess why? Because it was 2pm and the only thing she had was a banana. Yep.. a banana. Why on earth would you go without eating then try to train? As you may know, I’ve had my fair share of eating disorders but I don’t think I would work out that intensely. I would just starve. Yes, consuming a small amount of calories is bound to lose weight quickly but it is not healthy. You are at risk of losing muscle and not fat. So why do that when you can eat and look good? Did you read that right? YOU CAN EAT AND STILL LOOK GOOD!!!!! I just wish people listened. I didn’t have anyone telling me that what I was doing was wrong. I just saw the changes (not even good ones, just a change in the scale) and thought why stop now? Anyways, I may not know everything (CLEARLLLLLYYY I don’t) but I know and have common sense and starving.. is not worth it.

You can live a normal life without “dieting”, just eat healthy, and get moving. I can’t stress this enough.

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Road to Ripped Progress Pictures :D

Do you ever get frustrated that you’re working so hard but not seeing results as quickly as you’d wish? Many people donโ€™t realize that they’re building a foundation for their health and that success will not happen overnight. It is a slow process in which you are constantly building and learning. It is extremely important to create a foundation that will remain strong even in times of crisis.

It has taken me over 10 years to get to where I am right now. I have struggled and battled every eating disorder out there trying to become what I thought was “perfection”. I starved and have puked myself thin to a point where vessels in my eyes have burst, I coughed up blood almost daily, and consumed no more than 500 calories a day. You think this sounded like happiness? You think this was at all “perfect?” Who would want to live their life like this?

Apparently, I did for years. It wasn’t until I started working at a gym and learning the healthy way of becoming fit..healthy..happy.. I still struggled and I continue to struggle but at this point in my life, I can say that I have become a better person through all of it. It still isn’t easy and I still dread looking in the mirror sometimes but at the end of the day I am proud of what I have accomplished. I know my blog has become somewhat depressing but I don’t give a shit. This is my blog and a way that I can look back and see how far I have become. I go through bad, horrible, unimaginable emotional days but I know what needs to be done in order for me to like myself. Yes.. like myself. I know this world isn’t ALL about outside appearance, and beauty and looking perfect..but it sure seems that way. Maybe that’s where all this stemmed from… Looking at airbrushed the fuck up magazines… starring relentlessly at amazingly conditioned bodies at the gym.. whatever it was.. it consumed me. I will now and forever live my life preaching to the world just how important becoming healthy truly is. Not just for the world to look and comment how beautiful you are, but to honestly feel it inside. I remember looking in the mirror one day at the gym and amazed at the progress I saw. It opened my eyes to just how important treating yourself with respect really was.. And for that, I will devote my time and love into supporting whomever wants to take the journey with me… not just my idea of “road to ripped”..but the road to true inner happiness…

Well.. now that I got that mushy gushy shit off my chest.. I have gathered some pictures after scrolling through 20,000 pictures..yes there are over 20,000 pictures on my Mac.. LOL.. and would like to share some progress pictures, along with what I eat, with you.

Beginning

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Too lazy to crop this one..my bad.

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Now.. this isn’t the end result. This isn’t the “final” product.. I am sure you will all be the first to know when I feel like I am “there”..but this is just that.. my progress thus far. I really wish I had old pictures of back when I was skin and bones because THAT would be the true progress. I went from being 98lbs (I am 5’7) to a whopping 150+ ( I stopped weighing myself at one point in fear of what the truth was. The scale isn’t your friend.. nor is it 100% accurate especially when you are beginning, or continuing a fitness regimen. I always fear my clients will get unmotivated if they are not happy at the number staring back at them.. We all know muscle takes up less space in the body, making our clothes fit better, but weighs more than fat. You could fit in those jeans you havent worn in forever, yet the scale hasn’t budged. THIS IS NORMAL! Do NOT be afraid anymore! As long as you are moving, getting and staying active and watching the SHIT foods in moderation while keeping a healthy “diet”, the scale shouldn’t matter anymore), and now I am back at 150. Shit.. Tell me years ago that I would be 150 and I would have cried myself to sleep for days.. but this is the thing.. I have never been in this great of shape before.. Okay… yes I have.. when I competed in a bikini show a year or two ago.. but this is it.. I feel it. Nothing can stop me anymore..

I haven’t binged in the longest time. I actually couldn’t even tell you the last time I did.. why? because I am too determined to be great. I am too determined to prove to myself that I can stick with this shit. Through the bad days, the good ones and fuck! Even the ones that wish I never got out of bed I still tell myself over and over that I can DO THIS!.. and honestly.. so can everyone that has signed up to be trained by me.. The thing is.. it really depends on how bad you want it. You can THINK you do.. you can even dream about it.. but nothing matters until you actually do it and KEEP doing it. Keep in mind you will have bad days.. but just look forward to the good ones. Like they said, ” don’t be afraid of going slow, be afraid of standing still”.. Pick yourself up.. and keep moving forward. No matter how long it takes, just know that you are one day closer to being who you truly want to be…

Here are a few pictures of what I eat on a daily basis…

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Kashi Waffles with WF pancake syrup

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Look at the food that I eat.. Why starve when you can achieve a fantastic looking body by eating? I mean.. truly eating and I eat A LOT. Yes.. people will still think I look manly.. yes not every girl wants my body.. but I am HEALTHY.. and it doesn’t even end there.. but I am HAPPY with my body.. how many of you can actually say that?

My main go to’s are ground turkey, steak, chicken, greek yogurt, eggs, fruits of all kinds (be careful.. now yes a banana is better than eating a snickers but fruit has sugar regardless if its natural or not. Now there are many stereotypes about all this crap.. but the only reason I bring this up is because people tend to take things for granted and consume high amount of calories thinking that just because its healthy that it wont matter… well.. it does. It’s all about calories in vs calories when talking about weight loss.. Just keep that in mind)… asparagus, broccoli, sweet potatoes and regular potatoes.. I have fallen in love with Kashi Waffles (I usually don’t find many products that have a good ingredient list, but surprisingly enough, the ingredients were basic and the nutrition % was awesome! There are about 150 calories for 2, 19g of carbs, 2g of protein).. Skinny Cow has also become a favorite of mine as well.. I would rather have one of those strawberry shortcakes then a whole pint of ice cream.. My portion control sucks a fat one!

But there you have it ladies and gentleman.. A blog post that took be over an hour to write, but one that was worth reading. One that wasn’t full of depression and shit that makes you want to feel bad for me. LOL! Not saying that everything in my life is perfect at the moment, because that is far from the truth. However, just giving you an insight on how actually giving a fuck about your body can and will benefit you each day forward. It has taught me dedication and has held me accountable.. traits that are hard to come by and stick with in this day in age. It is so easy to just not give a shit and to eat whatever you want and to sleep an extra hour than to get up and do some cardio, or take a bike ride.. It is so easy to not care.. why don’t we choose the path less taken?

What do we have to lose?

 

 

except a few pounds here and there ๐Ÿ˜‰

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Treading water just to stay afloat.

Finally writing, updating my life ventures via the internet. I have a couple hours to spare so, why not?

Once again, and for the last what? 2-3 posts, I am still overwhelmed. I am getting underpaid for overworking and sooner rather than later, I think it is going to catch up to me. Knowing this, I have been praying, crying, over thinking and panicking about my life situation at the moment. Is all that healthy? no.. but it at least it has me attempting to get the ball moving, to get proactive. I cant just wait around anymore. I cant just sit on an idea, a dream and just exist in the world. Where is that going to get me? Where HAS it gotten me? No where fast, no where worth being proud about that’s for sure.

I have been through a lot in my life and it has lead me to have a world full of insecurities affecting EVERYTHING in my life. Each day its different. One day I feel accomplished, the next unmotivated and taken advantage of. Its not fair to be constantly in turmoil, to be anxious and stressed. I NEED to do something about it, not just blog about it and one day hope to God that things change. I HAVE TO CHANGE THEM MYSELF.

So this post seems to be spiraling down the depressed path that it usually does, however, it was inspired by moments of truth.

I have recently taken up a new client and after spending many hours with him, helping inspiring training him, I have come to gain a rather special person in my life. One that has offered to lend a helping hand, only to have known me for a week or so. Not many people in this world have good intentions, fuck most wont even hold the door open for you so what has transpired has literally had me in tears. I don’t want to go much into detail about it because it could jeopardize a lot of things in my life and at the moment I don’t have much to fall back on, so I will keep it short and sweet.

In the last few weeks, I have opened my eyes and my mind to the bigger picture that I want to see in my near future. Something that I want to reach for, a dream I would love to see come true, something I plan on working very hard for. Something like this, especially for me has come with many insecurities like I mentioned earlier. Whether its because I don’t believe in myself or any other reason, it has deterred me from being successful in the past. I have always just done my part, doing what was expected of me and evidently been taken advantage of which led to burning out quickly. Although I was in the field that I wanted to be in, started my career at 19 years old, I gave it up for a boy. Something that I do infact regret, but will forever have learned an important lesson. I will live my life for me. Any and everyone else should just compliment it, not trouble it. I can’t depend on anyone but myself and will keep on fighting to stay afloat. However that doesnt mean I dont have a great support system, because as of lately I have really been blessed with a great (and growing) one.

This client of mine, who again barely knows me, spent an hour on the phone with me the other day. Talking about how he knows and feels how passionate I am about what I am doing. How I NEED to start thinking for myself and being proactive about broadening my horizons, shooting for something bigger than just the bare minimum. I mean, what AM I WAITING FOR? To win the lottery? That one special break in a career? Someone to do all the work and I just take credit for it? I don’t know.. fuck it could be anything considering I have waited this long to finally get my head out of my ass. He told me that I have something in me that many people don’t and that I need to use it to the best of my ability. We got some ideas rolling and with the help of him and my Wellness Coaching instructor, I am very close to finishing up the brainstorming process and moving forward with this idea. I cannot tell you how truly AMAZING it is, to have people believe in you.. Other than family and friends, having strangers take time out of their lives to tell you that they support you is a phenomal feeling. Like for instant, I was checking my facebook messages earlier and here is what a fellow fb friend wrote:

hey, i just wanted to say that i just read some of your blog, as well as i enjoy reading your posts on Facebook. You definitely should start your own business, you know what your talking about and you have people skills to get the job done, but keep up the good work at work as well on the blog!

PS it would be cool if you could start a little podcast thing and just talk for an hour or so every so often instead of writing everything down.

Insert instant smile here.

It’s an unbelievable feeling and again, I feel so blessed.

After finishing up talking with this client he mentioned (said a disclaimer before lol) that I am “too pretty to be bitter”. It hit me right in the heart because its true. Not so much the too pretty part (lol.. insecure much?) but the bitter part. There are many things in my life that I wish to gain control of before I go on this rollercoaster of a ride idea of mine and hope that everyday I get a little bit stronger. Physically (obviously :P) but mentally, emotionally because as far as I can tell I havent even broke the surface regarding those two aspects of my life. For example last night,.. I tried breaking up with the love of my life (again). I felt I was putting too much time and effort into him and not into myself (like I did prior with another guy). Something that I promised to myself that I would NEVER do again. I have had anxiety for awhile now in regards to (well just about everythung in my life) but more so in my relationship with him. Although he is be far THEE best guy I have EVER dated, I can’t be selfish and hold onto something that could possibly benefit form me parting from. There are alot of things that have happened that has broken trust, but nothing that can’t be fixed. I just don’t think it has been lately, even attempted really. I think its that mentatlity that time heals everything or something because I feel just stuck overthinking (EVERYTHING). Although I am loved and adored yadda ya I still feel lonely. I feel caught up in a world where it doesnt matter if you fail or succeed. A world where good people are hard to come by.

I am afraid of the future for what it will or will not bring. I am constantly overwhelmed over everything I have no control over. I know what I do wrong, how I am and how I act, yet I do nothing about it thinking someday it will all change and be better. LOL. aint that something. Its literally like some (yes some, more than one) clients thinking eating a Whopper before working out with me is a good idea. You know its not, yet you keep eating shitty getting the same results hoping one day the good will outweigh the bad and life will be happily every after once and for all.

Hmm.. if only that’s how it worked. Instead you must work hard and believe even harder. Having faith in the unknown is one of the most difficult things we will face in the world today but something that will keep your mind body and spirit striving to be better each day forward.

Well I guess I really didn’t keep that short, but I laughed when I wrote that anyways. Hoping to post up progress pictures some time in the near future (but uploading on this gay macbook is difficult) but until then, enjoy all my random ass blog posts.

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