Tag Archives: Faith

Barely scratching the surface. 

My life is a disaster (imagine that) but I look like I have my shit together. I am quite possibly in the best shape of my life, and it’s probably from treading water for 25 years. I am however staying positive (with an occasional hiccup here and there), and I believe that’s why I’ve managed to stay afloat. 

I am currently eating around 2200 calories a day. No cycling (nutrition wise) just keeping my macros constant and my sugar low. The biggest thing I have changed is, I’ve added spinning into my program. I am addicted. I am on a 30 day streak and my goal is 9 more till my birthday (8/14). That will bring my total of spin classes starting from 6/14-8/14 to 54 rides in 2 months. Adding that type of “cardio” has completely shaped my body. Now, before I say anything else I want to comment on how cardio is not the answer, it’s only part of the equation. It should compliment your routine not complicate it. Meaning, don’t over do it if your nutrition sucks. I’m serious. 

Under eating and over working will not work in your favor. It might on the scale side of things, but the scale is meaningless. The scale is only important in the fact that you need it for the sole purpose of calculating your body fat percentage. I am the heaviest I have ever been (sitting around 150#), but in the best shape I’ve ever been in.       
..With that being said, I’m working on a project. It’s my last attempt to give this fitness industry a try. I’ve been in it for awhile and slowly losing patience for people who find having a personal trainer as something to brag about instead of a tool for getting healthier. No one wants to put in the work, I take that back. People WILL do the work, yet won’t budge on their “diet”. It’s impossible to out train a bad one. I tried. Eating crap made me feel like crap. I still looked decent but I was weak and sluggish. My legs felt heavy and I was constantly tired. All I am trying to do is spread my knowledge to whoever will listen and take charge of their lives. I want people to give a shit. I know Rome wasn’t built in a day, yall have been with me through it all, so I know it’s not always a walk in the park. However, coming to see me for a training session smelling like McDonald’s, is probably not going to yield you the results you’re looking for. I don’t mind ups and downs because Id be naive to think otherwise, but I don’t want people to give up. I don’t want people to waste my time. It’s annoying and I take way too much pride in this to be disrespected. 

I’m struggling, in and out but I will not give up. Who the fuck is with me? 

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Thinking thoughts on purpose. 

I am learning to give myself permission to become who I was meant to be. Because all this time I’ve been fighting myself, my own true worst enemy. And although the battle is yet to be over, I have found a new strength in me. With having faith and truly believing, THAT is what was key -MC

 …and that came out of no where. I haven’t written something that rhymed in forever. Nor was it meant to.. I was inspired to post so early this morning after I heard the best lesson of my life. It’s the first morning in two weeks that I didn’t need to set an alarm. Around 830am I turned the TV on. What made me click on Joel Osteen, I have no clue, but there was a reason I did. That service was meant for me. I cried majority of the time which was picked up in the background when I recorded the sermon, cute. But I was speechless. The title of this blog is a quote he said that will forever be embedded in me. I cannot live a positive life with a negative mind. There’s just no way around it. 

I am changing and it’s beautiful. 

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Scholarship essay. Learning.

Writing an essay means researching the topic. Luckily for some, the topic is on oneself. With that being said, I’ve currently written this essay a dozen times and still can’t manage to save a draft. Writing about something so close to me, makes me come off as cheesey and that’s the last thing I want. I want people to read this and feel the passion that I have for the health (fitness) and the wellness field. Hopefully you can tell by the end of this what has motivated me, why I myself could use the help and how I will help not only the community I live in, but as many people everywhere that I can.

I’ve been working as a personal trainer for about 5 years now, and in doing so, I’ve realized how truly amazing it is to impact someone’s life. Someone who may be battling the same demons I once did. I may be living paycheck to paycheck, but I’m helping people help themselves, and no amount of money could bring the same amount of joy. I’ve struggled with finding myself worth, wondering if I can actually make a difference. Know a days, everyone is a trainer or some sort of guru. I, for one, want to stand out. I don’t just want to fall in the cracks of this every growing industry, preaching anything just to make a few dollars. Being a trainer for as long as I have, I now know that this isn’t just physical. That there is no magic pill, that every part of this process is mental and emotional. In order for me to help the way I need to help, I need to be taught. I attend classes taught by people like Frank Ardito, and it gives me goose bumps. The knowledge that these people possess is overwhelming, yet so admirable. All I want is to be able to teach and bring knowledge to those who truly want it. Who want help to understand what is truly going on inside of them. What has given me hope in becoming who I’m meant to be has been continuing my education. Although, I didn’t go to college right after high school, I knew what I wanted to become. I knew I was going to be in the fitness industry for the rest of my life, and it still stands true today. The people I meet, the lives they’ve said I’ve helped change, the relationships, the success, the failures, the knowledge; it’s all been my motivation. It’s the guilt from not doing everything I could to attend college post high school, which has put my dreams on hold. I know it may sound like an excuse, but it’s the truth. Without a proper education, I feel like I am not giving everything I can to my clients. People want to see that you know what you are talking about, so I want to feel like I know what I am talking about. Like Albert Einstein once said, “Any fool can know. The point is to understand.” I want to be taught the things I need to know, because as much as I feel my personal experiences help greatly, I can’t be naïve to the fact that I have a lot to learn.

“There is no end to education. It is not that you read a book, pass an examination, and finish with education. The whole of life, from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is a process of learning- Jiddu Krishnamurti”. I may not have much, I may be 25 still living at home, I may feel stuck most days, but what I do have is the ability to see past the struggles, and understand that each day I continue to do what I was meant to do, is going to have such a great return in the end.

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She too, grew.

There was a flower in her heart, it just needed more room to bloom. And when she let it free, she showed the world that sometimes the most beautiful things can grow in the darkest of places.

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Understanding the process.

You will get there when you are meant to get there and not a moment sooner. So relax, breathe, and be patient.

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2T 3:16; J 22:21

The peace that I give you transcends your intellect. When most of your mental energy goes into your efforts to figure things out, you are unable to receive this glorious gift. I look into your mind and see thoughts spinning round and round; going no where, accomplishing nothing. All the while, my peace hovers over you, searching for a place to land.

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Dear God,

I did not sleep well last night,
But I did wake up.
My muscles are sore,
But they work.
My wallet is not full,
But my belly is.
I may not have all I want,
But I have all I need.
My life is not perfect,
But my life is good.

Thank you!

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Grasping for air.

A lot has happened in the last week and it’s finally coming to an end.

Atleast that’s what I’m telling myself. Because I can’t stay in this hole any longer..

It’s not healthy.
Nor am I happy.

I’m far from happy.
Like, far far.

I sit here.. A week into a binge and purge roller coaster. An ENTIRE week.

I was fine, doing so well.. Food was on point. I was doing what I could workout wise. My head was clear.

Then I get injured.
Shattered knuckle.

That’s it. Nothing crazy..Nothing life altering.

Or, well.. So I thought.

Made the best of it, even 4 weeks post operation.. Then last week, I felt like my life was just swept with a deep dark sense of sadness…

Then the demons arrived.

I started seeing a therapist maybe two months or so ago just for straight life guidance (I think a lot) and I remember specifically one of the first things he asked was if fitness wasn’t a part of my life anymore, though it didn’t take long for me to reply it felt like a no brainer.. It won’t. I will ALWAYS be involved and super interested in the fitness industry.

End of story.

Wrong..
More like just beginning.

Fast Forward two weeks, I shatter my knuckle. FF another two weeks, I had the surgery. A surgery in which was suppose to be 15 minutes, turned into 2 and 1/2 hours.

After that, even just the day after, when I returned in pain and the dr said they had wrapped the splint too right.. I still had high hopes. But soon it turned from an it what it is situation, to wtf did I just get myself into??!!

Bad vibes from doctors, painful experiences.. Take for example the picture was taken this past Wednesday. The Dr (who I’ve been seeing and haven’t been to fond of) had someone shadow him then leave the room to have him stitch me. I get that may be a requirement to know what to do, but this guy .. Let’s just say had some trouble. Like, walking out, grabbing an assistant kind of trouble. It was a bad time..

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The week of the last pin removal, really hit me hard. Everything just flooded my head with negativity. I had just interviewed for a really good job, but called back and asked for my application to be put on hold, knowing with surgeries PT and basically not being at able to perform at my best, wasn’t good qualities of a new hire..

I got into a car accident. Backed up into a guy who said he saw me but thought he could move around me..

The thought of my hand never being the same again constantly triggered mood swings..

Feeling helpless, ALL THE TIME.

Self destructing, falling back into old habits.

It was one thing after another and I couldn’t control it. I had given up that power.

2 months ago I was doing push ups in my room for fun, timing handstands and planks.. Now I could barely dress myself, tie my shoes..

Everything.. just like that.. Taken away.

I know maybe I’m being dramatic.. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe.. But what I do know, is I’m a girl whose been so insecure from the moment I could remember and has dealt with body image issues for just as long… Understand and grasp the harsh reality that my happiness seems to be directly related to my body issue..

And this surgery.. An obstacle if you will, made me realize just how caught up I am in all of this..

..how I’ve been LETTING the fight consume me.

This time, I’m fighting back!

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Real talk.

I began a Facebook page called Fit R Us. I don’t know where I’m going with, much like this blog, though I hope to just help in any way I can. Mostly motivating articles and just being truthful about how the process of getting fit really works. No bullshit.

I feel like many people don’t understand the basics, just like myself years ago. That alone could be detrimental to ones progress. Years ago, I starved myself. Not too long ago I binged the fuck out of shit. Now, I am living healthy and happy and I hope others will too.

I posted this progress picture (see below) taken this morning (4/25/14). It’s about 2 weeks post surgery. I haven’t worked out.. and by that I have lost around 7lbs. Although not stoked about it.. There’s nothing I can do.. But wait! There is, and I have stayed completely on point on my diet (again, you know me, I use the word diet very loosely).

I have tracked my food in myfitnesspal. Which is sort if a joke unless you know what you’re doing. All my clients have downloaded it and I have manipulated the goals because 9/10 it is so wrong. I don’t really know where they come up with there numbers, but I rarely agree.

I’m staying on a 40/30/30 spilt, at around 1800 calories. And that’s not working out… Most girls would look at that number and think I’m crazy.. But I look at some peoples calorie consumption and think the same. Just remember, if you think eating less than 1000 calories is good.. Realize you will have to eat 1000 calories for the rest of your life or you’ll gain weight. Then think about if you hit a plateau.. Only way to get past it would be to add more work, or to eat less. See where I’m going here? You can eat and lose weight, you just have to be in a deficient at the end of the day.. Maybe people don’t like to work out.. But who likes to, well, not eat?

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Playing catch up!

It seems that when I get overwhelmed, my blogging takes a hiatus. I think that’s because at times, blogging overwhelms me. I never proofread because I will end up highlight select all delete that shit.

So.. please excuse my lack of consistency and spelling errors.

Lets begin shall we. As one would guess, yes I am stressed. Overwhelmed is such a great word though.. fits me perfectly.. or this situation rather. Though I seem to use it quite frequently. Hmm.. Any who.. things have been good things have been bad, the only difference than before is I feel like I am keeping my head above water. That staying afloat, is not as hard as I was making it out to be.

I don’t care what life throws at me anymore.. Ill be scared when things stop and I have nothing to dodge anymore.. I mean… Just because you were given something, or dealt a shitty hand in life, doesn’t mean there’s only one solution.. that you have to continue on to a less successful path. You can make something out of nothing and I no longer want to coast through life. I want to make something happen. I want to start at the bottom through my trials and tribulations and just soar. I want to live. I am in the prime of my time. No rent, no bills (cell, insurance food ext but that’s it), no children, nothing should be stopping me. I have used my sister’s situation in as comparison and just because she’s about to finish school because financially she was helped, doesn’t mean I can’t. Just because NOTHING… I really am sick and tired of it.

I go off on tangents and I just don’t know when to quit.

Like this picture for example. One night I got upset, and instead of writing on the notepad app, I took to instagram. This was pretty recent and I just kept typing.

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Brighter side of things that just so happens to add to the stress, I am taking my NASM certification in 3 months. Stoked to have it on my resume, but nervous about the level of skill it will take to pass this test. I am just hoping with my 4 levels of experience that SOMETHING has caught on.. never mind.. just wish me luck lol..

Outside of constantly being busy with studying the next couple of months, I am training for a show. I don’t even know if I mentioned I was doing one last year (that I ended up NOT doing), but 2014 is going to be my next debut ;P I have a great team working with me and I cannot be happier. Working at this _ _ fitness has really opened my eyes up to the corporate world but even more so to some really incredible people. I am so blessed to finally have a group of people that know whats up. Life isnt about partying and bullshitting around.. Yes I would rather be at home in bed, but I at least want to be working on SOMETHING productive in my life. I don’t want all that bullshit. I want to focus and stay motivated in what I want to achieve in the next couple of months/year. I want to prove to MYSELF, no one else, myself that I can do this. I want to be lean. I want to be strong. I want to pass this NASM test so I feel like I do have some intelligence. I have so much that I want to knock off the list for 2014.

I am, however, making a promise to myself that if I am not where I want to be (or at least attempting it) that I will quit my job and go help people. I don’t care if it’s in chicago feeding the homeless, to moving to Africa to help children read. I think that sounds like a legit goal/promise.. Yeah, im gonna go with that.

So, that being said. I am currently 12 weeks out. I start my diet tomorrow which consists of a little carb cycling. I seem to pick up results pretty quickly with this. I will be taking progress pictures and as long as I get around to it, Ill post them weekly. I wont be doing any cardio for the first couple of weeks. No cardio as in, you wont be seeing my ass on a treadmill.. will you see me jumping around on a bench doing ski jumps or box jumps? You betchya!

Lets leave you with a few pictures. Some are just a few weeks of recap, and the my recent XMAS trip to Wisconsin. Enjoy! And don’t forget to check back in a week for simple fitness tips tricks and recipes. Man.. my blog is getting boring quick.

First snow storm with Marley.

First snow storm with Marley.

Ice skating in Chicago <3

Ice skating in Chicago ❤

Yes this went down. BBQ chicken pizza from Papa Johns. AH-mazing.

Yes this went down. BBQ chicken pizza from Papa Johns. AH-mazing.

Still got em.. sort of.. ;P

Still got em.. sort of.. ;P

Ashley Horner. My Motivation for life.

Ashley Horner. My Motivation for life.

Up in Wisco. This is a screenshot of a video the boy took. It was hilarious but I cant post it. :$

Up in Wisco. This is a screenshot of a video the boy took. It was hilarious but I cant post it. :$

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SELFIE!!! Beautiful scenery in Wisconsin.

SELFIE!!! Beautiful scenery in Wisconsin.

Last but not least, just most recent my crazy insane red hair color.

Last but not least, just most recent my crazy insane red hair color.

Yeah… my blogs like that.

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