Tag Archives: God

**** yeah.

So I know it’s only Wednesday but I am already excited for the weekend.. Regardless I still have a few days to go, so I suppose I should enjoy now, well.. right now!
 
Well first things first.. Yesterday was officially my first day back (in the gym) in 5 days! It didn’t go as planned but I still felt exhausted after it. People kept staring and my clothes were too tight.. and it was fucking hot.. and I was only getting hotter lol.. So I ended up just doing 3 or 4 shoulder exercises. Went as heavy as I could though.. So that is always a plus. I do want to mention to  jlgentry that I did a mile in just under 14 minutes (granted the first 2 minutes I walked).. but I started getting bad cramps .85 of a mile in lol.. At that point I knew I wasn’t going to handle going for much longer.. but a mile was SO CLOSE!! So I kept going.. Had too ..Pain is temporary –> failure is forever –> failure only occurs when you give up  = Don’t give up.… Right?
 
..any who.. I finished and walked on an incline for the remainder of the time. BUT I DID IT!! haha.. Yeah I could of probably kept going but I was trying to focus on anything but these damn cramps. My right calf started first, which I could handle.. but the stomach cramps are the worst.
 
Besides the gym, I have been doing really good with my eating. However like I mentioned in an earlier post that I am allowing myself whatever I want. I know the consequence.. and if I want it that badly, ill deal with it later. But for right now… it is working PERFECTLY! I am even starting to see my top two abs again (FUCKYEAHWHATUP!) and again, haven’t been to the gym in a week 🙂 So… with that being said I had 2 chocolate chip cookies last night. Lmfao. I was only going to have one but my mom randomly barged in my room and brought 3 more in for dude and I.. (awkward).. but I ate another one but left one (yes.. you read that right.. I LEFT A FUCKING COOKIE UNEATEN! Unfuckingreal. lol). I didn’t really think twice like I normally would. I remember years ago when I was working at  X Sport Fitness.. My mom had made cookies and I ate one.. or two probably.. okay 3 or 4 knowing me.. and immediately I went to the gym to burn it off. Fuck that. Never again do I want to be like that. Talk about hating yourself and I was fucking ruthless.
 
So I wanted to find a healthy PB cookie recipe.. and while I’ve been excited about the weekend and getting back into cooking and baking and shit, I saw on CCK’s blog a recipe for skinny vanilla cupcakes. They looked so cute unfrosted.. see:
 
 
Skinny Vanilla Cupcakes

(makes 9-10 cupcakes)

Or click if you’d prefer: Chocolate Cupcakes.

  • 1 cup spelt flour, or white flour, or Arrowhead Mills gf mix (145g)
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 2 tsp ener g powder (or 1 flax or chia egg)
  • 4 tbsp xylitol or sugar (54g)
  • 2 Nunatural stevia packets (or 2 extra tbsp sugar)
  • 1 tbsp pure vanilla extract
  • 1 cup plain or vanilla yogurt of choice (Silk or SoDelicious both work) (230g)
  • 1/4 cup milk of choice (subtract 2 tbsp if using the flax or chia egg) (60g)
  • 3 tbsp coconut or veg oil (can omit, but the cupcakes will be a bit gummy) (36g)

Preheat oven to 350 F, and grease muffin tins. Combine all dry ingredients in a bowl, and mix very well. In a separate bowl, combine all wet ingredients and stir. Pour wet into dry, and mix until just combined (don’t overmix). Cook 18-20 minutes, then let sit at least 10 before removing from muffin tins.

Okayyyy so they still look fanfuckingtastic.. but what about with Reese’s Frosting from CCK?
 
Reese’s Pieces Frosting
 

(Yields almost 1/2 cup)

  • 1/4 cup peanut butter (or other nut butter)
  • 4-8 tsp pure maple syrup (click for a sugar-free alternative)
  • 2 tbsp cocoa powder
  • 4 tsp milk of choice (or more for thinner frosting)
  • 3/4 tsp pure vanilla extract
  • optional: handful of chocolate chips (the “pieces”)

Blend everything (including chips, if using) in a small food processor or Magic Bullet. If you have a bigger processor, it might be best to double the recipe so everything blends more smoothly. Best to store uneaten frosting covered in the fridge.

Or what about making my own cool whip.. Hey have I ever mentioned this before? Leave a open can of full fat coconut milk in the refrigerator overnight.. scoop the clear liquid off the top.. add vanilla.. coconut shreds (if you wish) and stevia..blend.. and there you have whipped cream!!!
 
Now do you see why I am so excited?
 
Oh.. another reason I am excited.. I AM NOW A SPONSORED ATHLETE FOR A NUTRITION COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Hell yeah.  Will go into further detail a bit later..
 
Life is going and I’m going with it..with a huge (mother) fucking smile on my face.
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I don’t know what’s going on here.

I caught a glimpse of a bad angle of myself in the mirror. I stopped in place. Instant sadness took over. Usually that would cause a binge. It didn’t (thank God).. But it sure made me feel like shit. The only thing that kept me on track was repeating to myself that I need patience. This took a month to undo.. I’m not going to wake up one morning lean. Not going to happen. So I just have to understand (which I do) but I have to have faith that I can keep straight. Here I am trying to help others and I am having the hardest time trying to help myself. Even driving  home yesterday, I realized I literally make myself unhappy.. But for what? What am I getting out of feeling like this? No one knows the pain I feel inside but me.. So it’s not pity or sympathy… Do I just like to cry? Feel sorry for myself?

What. The. Fuck?

I’m unhappy. And I’m bringing people down with me and it disgusts me. This is not the Marissa show here and I’m living like it is.

With that being said, I don’t think I can have a relationship anymore. I thought I was ready.
Far from it.

I don’t want to push anyone out of my life but I need to focus on building a healthy relationship with myself and God first. The two things I should be focusing on, seem to be missing from the to do list entirely.

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Tequila Tuesday!

Okay, no tequila for me.. but for the guys at work it is!

on a different note..

I feel like I had a lot to say (and was excited to say it) but now I don’t remember any of it. Maybe because I am going back and forth with some jerk off via my work email. Told me I have “no right to be answering phones” because in the end of it all, we figured out hes asking the wrong company (us) for money. Now that’s my fault how? lol

Any who FINALLY FUCKING SORE!!! Hell fucking yes! Legs last night were KILLER. Literally shaking, then cramping so I couldn’t go as heavy as I’d like on the leg ext. No big deal. Completed 30 min of cardio though 🙂 Oh! I think the next blog or two is going to be about my eating schedule (macros broken down), but also with all the products I use and which companies ext. I find a lot of cool shit on the internet (because I have nothing better to do), and I shop online ALL day.

The Food Log

9am PBJ Quest Bar
12pm Chopped salad with grilled chicken from Portillos
3pm Chicken and Mix Veggies
6pm Hmmm.. I brought Ezekiel pasta with ground turkey burger… but I don’t know how I feel about this being a pre work out meal.. hmmm…
9pm (Post Work out meal) 1 slice of Ezekiel bread, Greek yogurt, and almond butter
12pm Casein Shake

(Had one last night too. I knew I’d be up later then 9pm lol).

The Work Out

BACK ATTACK!!!

Super excited for back today. I wanted to get it as close to Quad day as possible (you use your back in most exercises pertaining to you hamstrings, so I don’t want to be sore when it’s time to lift them!!)

Focusing on form, and engaging the core. KEEP YOUR CORE TIGHT! If you constantly thinking about keeping your belly button towards your spine, your posture will better and your core WILL strengthen.

Lat Pull down
2x12x70lbs
1x10x80lbs
2x8x90lbs

Unilateral Row
4 sets of 10-12 till failure

Lawnmowers

5 sets
Max 15 reps. Up weight as needed.

ABBBBBBSSSSS (Can’t wait for these babies to be back!)

Recipe of the day:

From ChocolateCoveredKatie’s blog (I love her)!

1 Minute Coffee Cake

For the batter:

  • 3 tbsp spelt flour (or white. For gf: a commenter had success with 1 tbsp rice flour and 2 tbsp almond flour.)
  • 1/4 tsp baking powder
  • 1/16 tsp salt
  • 1 stevia packet (or 1/32 tsp pure) or 1 tbsp sugar
  • 1 tablespoon plus 2 tsp water
  • 2 tsp oil or melted margarine or applesauce (I prefer the oil/margarine, but that’s simply because I’m not a fan of fat-free baked goods.)
  • 1/4 tsp pure vanilla extract

For the streusel: (If you like a lot of streusel, feel free to double all ingredients below.)

  • 1/8 tsp cinnamon
  • 1 and 1/4 tsp sucanat or brown sugar
  • 1/4 to 1/2 tsp oil or melted margarine (once again, use applesauce if a fat-free version is desired)
  • tiny, tiny pinch salt
  • 2 pecan halves (or walnut halves)

(If using an oven, preheat to 330 F.) Combine batter dry ingredients and mix well. Add wet and mix until just mixed. In a tiny bowl, combine all streusel ingredients. Fill a greased muffin tin 1/2 way with the batter (or a ramekin or mug, if using the microwave). Sprinkle on two-thirds of the streusel, then spoon the remaining batter on top. Finally, sprinkle on the rest of the streusel. Cook 12-13 minutes in the oven, or around 1 minute in the microwave. (Microwave times may vary.)

Super fucking excited to try this recipe. I won’t make it till this weekend but for all of you lovies, here it is! This is what I NEEDED!!!! I could eat a whole coffee cake from Corner Bakery. Wow. Let’s google it and actually see the nutrition facts:

One slice of Corner Bakery’s Coffee Cake has 770 Calories 310 Calories from fat, a whopping 108 grams of carbs and 61 grams of sugar. Holy Fuck. And to think I wouldn’t. LOL.. Would not think TWICE about going back for seconds or even thirds. No lie there.

Sad huh? I think when I start thinking about things in a “bigger picture” type way, I see it differently. I have seen myself do this lately with money, but lets keep it weight related.  A pound of fat is 3500 calories. If I were to consume roughly 4 and 1/2 pieces of Corner Bakery’s Coffee Cake, that would equal 3500 calories. Now this isn’t taking into consideration other food you MAY consume, or exercise. So if you eat more after those 5 pieces, and decide you don’t want to work out, watch the lbs add on quickly!

..and to think I use to eat 2 or 3 candy bars in A SITTING! Literally a king size twix, maybe a 500 calorie brownie here, an oreo milkshake there. Holy. Fuck. My mom was right. I SHOULD weigh 200+ lbs. Unbelievable. And now I have to “punish” myself to get where I SHOULD be. I shouldn’t look/feel this way. I feel fucking GROSS!

😦 Subject change please!!!!!!

I like nice people. lol. Honestly, niceness goes along way. I just had to take a car over to alignment a few blocks from here. A little miscommunication and technically I was stranded there. I called Mike to come grab me but he wasnt answering. Ron just told me to go. Like kinda yelled then told me to wait then was like GO GO GO .. okay. So I went. He was like.. youre dropping the car right? nope.. I was by myself.. so the owner was like just take my car (knowing my boss he would of been like, I told you to drop it off.”.. but he really didnt. But see? He didnt need to do that. What a geniunely NICE guy. I miss you guys.. where did you all go?

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The only journey is the journey within..

..and you better strap on (lol), because this is gonna be a bumpy ride.
 
Not even kidding.
 
I was updating pictures, blog posts and emails last night when I spotted a journal I had used while I was training for one of my very first shows. It mostly talks about relationships and how I am feeling throughout the days (pretty much my blog in writing). What I found to be pretty common in the posts, is me trying to understand why I binged like I did. I am still almost lost after reading even what I thought were my triggers, however I don’t really need expect or even want an explanation, but I want to be able to shed light for others. I truly believe the best teachers out there are the ones with experience. Yes, knowledge is incredibly sexy and intimidating, but experience is real life situations turned (hopefully) positive lessons learned.
 
So what I found in common was how much I wrote about food, and how it consumes me more than I consume it (which is ALMOST hard to believe right?)..My mind is constantly surrounded by images of food, when, where or if I’ll eat something, anything or everything. Fitness, weight Loss, anything revolving around my body image, clouded my brain every  s i n g l e day. NOTHING else mattered when it came down to it. With that being said, I believe I will be in the fitness industry/ have a healthy background/lifestyle till the day I die. I am not one that could continue day to day being or feeling over weight.
 
I have been heavy (or what I feel  is over weight and completely and utterly UNFUCKINGCOMFORTABLE!), and I have never hated myself more. Me being/feeling uncomfortable is nothing less than a recipe for disaster aka my main “trigger”, and for someone who wants peace in the world and hates bullying and abuse against animals blahblahblah hippie shit.. I sure practice hate in my heart, against m y s e l f. How horrible. What a SHITTY way of living and I have done this for YEARS. Eating disorder after eating disorder. Tear after tear. This was my life.
I want everyone to know out there that you need to do this for yourself. Please don;t try to drastically change for a boy or girl to get them to like you. Because if you don’t even like yourself I promise you its going to be an upward battle. Stay patient and know that if you wish, this doesn’t have to be forever. Things do change.

So tomorrow is June 1st..

..It marks my 100th post, && 6 Months Cigarette Free

It is also the day I start (just) a 7 day cleanse, 2 and 1/2 weeks till contest prep, and another journey towards Operation Gonna GROW! hahahaha.. No joke. I WANT HUGE LEGS! Okay not huge, but look at Larissa Reis‘ Quads.. O. M. G.. #inlove haha
 
 
Like.. I could cry at how beautiful her legs are. lol.
 
Alright so I am ready to kick some ass. I have a pretty dope support system, and finding ways to focus on being and staying positive. I know my blog has just gotten personal and not fitness related (like it was), but that will all change. This weekend I am going to get organized (LOL.. literally just said I am the most organized unorganized person there is)… ha. That’s it for now. Life has been up and down lately, but I am holding my head up 🙂
 
oh P.S – I’m taking up running too, thanks to jlgentry
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Positivity

So the whole not blogging every day has actually made me miss posting *smh..

..sometimes less IS more.

😉

So what’s clouding Marissa’s brain lately?

I am starting to appreciate things more.

Understanding that tomorrow is NOT promised.

So why do we do the things we do? Don’t people get it? Let’s just take money for example.. it can buy anything your little heart desires except one thing…time. You’re gone when its your time.

Plain and simple.

Don’t take advantage of today. We all have the ability to be completely happy.and I truly feel we have no one to blame but ourselves.

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.”- Robert Anthony.

Start rethinking what you may think are “priorities”, stop fearing the inevitable and live.

Other then my lovely rants.. I am feeling pretty good. Eating has been so easy ever since I put my carbs and fruits back in the mix. I can feel myself growing already and I am s t o k e d.

The Food Log

830am Brownie Quest Bar
11am 1/2 P28 Bagel and Almond Butter
2pm Leftovers of WW pasta and Ground Turkey
5pm 3 small chicken breasts (almonds if still hungry)
830pm (don’t know if I am working out today).. so this would change but protein and fat
Last meal– Casein protein shake (slower digesting protein)

The Work Out

Probably not working out today (but you never know).. But I will list my workout from yesterday.

I trained glutes 😉

Sumo Squats
3x15x35
2x12x45

Back Ext
4x10x45 w/ calf raises

Abs (I have to discuss this at a later date lol)..

Hamstring Curl

Only 3 sets- forget the weight.. but it didn’t feel good lol.

I have been killing it in the gym.. literally walked out earlier this week not being able to walk (I split legs into 2 sessions so I train them twice a week).. I have just been focusing on form and contractions rather then reps (even though I still count most of them).. but I have been feeling really good. Have laid off cardio a bit (wont hold my breathe) so that makes it easier to kill it even more 😉

Will be in Wisconsin tomorrow night till Monday afternoon.. so that means so time in an actual gym..  Meaning hopefully we go for a lot of walks and canoeing and just stay active. I know my diet will be on point ( I actually get excited about traveling and eating healthy).. but I know one day I WILL drink lol and maybe enjoy some extra carbs here and there :):):)

Heading over to a small shop to pick up a few tank tops and a pair of shorts to wear on the boat, then stopping at sunset to pick up meat (and my healthy food to bring on the way up there).. Def hope I score some of those Sugar Free Chocolate Chip Cookies again.. Those were solid and I wouldn’t even need to “cheat” haha if I had those.. We’ll see. I am so E X C I T E D! It’ll be like a mini vaca! I’ll still be emailing and responding though (as much as I can.. up there doesn’t have much service).. but I will do my best.

Until then, practicing patience and positivity. ❤

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What are you proud of?

I couldn’t even answer the question.

Literally minutes of silence as I stare out the window searching for something.. ANYTHING to say.
Yet for once in my life, I had nothing.
Nothing to say, but I’m sure the tears that fell down my face said enough.

Subject changed (my ADD probably), as a comforting hand rubbed  my back and thigh. Reassuring me that everything is okay.

But is it?

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78 :(

Ohhhh Monday.

6am Cardio
9-5
Work
6-9 Nutrition Class

The Food Log..

8am Quest Bar
11am Blackened Chicken Breast
230pm Ground Turkey w/ Spinach
6pm Chicken Breast w/ Veggies
9pm 2 Mini Ground Turkey Filets

The Workout..

6am 30 Minutes Cardio

Day 78 in Pictures..

Today was just another day. Not feeling too good. Looked at myself and I do NOT look like how I should for my contest. Not going to give up thought, I have been training for months and I lost a lot of weight and I look TEN times better then how I looked before I started all this. I may not look how I want now, but I will. This is my lifestyle now, just sucks I put pressure on myself to lose the weight in a timely manner. Ugh.  I have to stay positive.  Sorry this blog was so short. 😦

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Day 73 I apologize in advance if you open this.

Okay. I think I’m done with that. My sweet tooth is ah rockin’. I don’t know where teh cravings came from but they are here. Mind you I probably wont ever have my favorite foods (like the above mentioned) but these made a little happy dance in my mouth. No joke.. I could binge for days on this kind of sugar.. I didnt however take a picture of the Pizza Pot Pie.. okay now, I am allowing myself to take a trip here. It is in Chicago and I hear you will always wait no less than 60  min. It comes in a small size then a lb then 2 lbs (but I hear only 7-8 people have eaten the entire thing), it looks AMAZING. SIMPLY DIVINE! A huge “BOWL” of crust with whatever you want in it (I love just cheese on my pizza), so a bowl of homemade suace with a heeping cover of cheese. Holy Shit. Okay okay I’ll post a picture haha 🙂 AND… ONLY because I will already be in Chicago I will try out Sprinkles cupcakes.. I am super excited.. but more importantly I am looking forward to cooking my healthy cooking again.. I have AWESOME recipes to try out and I miss my Lara bars and my fruit smoothies.. (that’s  possibly why I am having cravings.. I cut out my fruit aka sugar!!)..  But anywho.. today is a busy day..

Got up at 530am, did 45min of the stairs.. work from 9-5, class from 6-950, then a quick 45-60min round of cardio 🙂

The Food Log..

7am Protein Shake (1/4c Oatmeal, Dymatize, 2Tbs PB2, Ice, Water)
11am Chicken Breast
1pm 1/4 c Almonds
4pm Extra Lean Ground Turkey w/ Broccoli and mustard.
7pm Chicken Breast
11pm Protein Shake (Dymatize, PB2)

The Workout..

6am 45 Min Stairmaster
10pm 45 Min Stairmaster

Day 73 in Pictures…. have you had enough with the pictures yet??

http://www.somethingshinyblog.com/2011/10/chocolate-chip-cookie-dough-cake.html

Holy shitballs. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t help it. If you want an awesome cheat I left the recipe up top … :/// and this I found on pinterest…. actually I pretty much find all my munchie “wishicouldeatthis” on pinterest.

Actually I was going to post my normal pictures of the day, but fuck it.. This is practically what I thought about constantly. Not to mention I ate a few slices of pineapple. Paid for it later, let me tell you. My stomach was in knots. 😦 Anywho.. had a psych test and bombed it. Literally guessed on every single question. I didn’t even read them. Just waited for him to give us like 5 answers so I’d at least get something right. I don’t care. We do not get along, and I do not agree with how he teaches. Well everyone have a good morning! Achieve dream and believe.

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Day 36 I sat on the pity pot today..

My whole body is sore.. and I have had acid reflux for going on 24 hours.

It started even after my shake when I didn’t even add chia/hemp/flax or fiber, yet I am still hurting.. Hmmm… All there was was pineapple, coconut oil, and whey protein.. hmmmm BUTat 3 in the morning I did wake up and eat part of my pizookie w PB.. that had flax in it I WOKE UP AT 730 THOUGH!

and its 1151 and I still have it.

Ate a piece of flank steak, snacking on edamame. Yawning..

306pm Cried today for the first time in awhile… Felt good and bad all at the same time.. I tried holding them back, but it was like buttons were being pushed every time I thought I had it all under control. It is all work related. I deserve better. I know this but I don’t want the pressure of trying to find another job right now.. Everything happens for a reason, just have to believe in that.

Had some pulled pork earlier, going to eat another piece of steak with some broccoli in 3 min or so.. Don’t even feel like eating 😦 I am just tired and cold and feeling a little down today.. I really just want a nap 😦

Seriously FUCK MY BOSS. HE is the BIGGEST FUCKING ASSHOLE I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. I honestly do NOT understand how someone is capable of daily hate towards others.

Not even worth talking about anymore its wasted energy.

I haven’t eaten that much today 😦 I am in a weird mood.. Can’t wait to unwind AT THE GYM! haha ❤

Today is going to be shoulders… This weeks schedule is actually going to be as follows :

  • Mon- Shoulders
  • Tues- Quads
  • Wed- Off
  • Thurs- Back
  • Fri- Cardio
  • Sat- Hams
  • Sun- Bi’s Tri’s

Military, Overhead press, front raise, lateral raise, upright rows 🙂
5 Minute Planks
30min Stairmaster.

ITY BITY PITY COMMITTEE

So today at work my boss was making me look like an idiot in front of everyone.. I started getting hot… and I really didn’t know how I was going to handle this situation because I didn’t know how far my boss would go… Well he made me do something one last time and when I got in the back of the shop I starred up into the ceiling and felt the tears just build up.. I really didn’t want to cry… (I actually enjoy crying, you feel so relieved afterwards), because I was still at work, so I tried to keep walking.. but I had to keep pausing… I hadn’t cried in such a long time I think that’s why I couldn’t stop it. So I bent over and had the tears drop onto the ground, trying not to go back looking like a hot mess.. I wanted to pretend it didn’t get to me.. but I regained composure and went back up front.. Words were exchanged and I gave him what he wanted and walked to the furthest bathroom. I sat on the toilet bailed for 30 seconds, realized I was still at work, sat and focused on breathing and waited till I was ready to leave.. Honestly I felt so much better, yes it looked like I was crying but I didn’t have to make much eye contact with anyone the rest of the day… I barely ate, which I think is weird because he has been triggers for me bingeing… any who.. So I did what I had to do and left for the day.. drove home no big deal, got Marley out, took her for a walk and made steak and broccoli. Well 7pm comes around and this is when I am ready to bounce out the door to the gym and my mom watches Marley well as I am getting ready I notice that this bracelet that I bought on Saturday was missing. Completely off board it came on, and the empty part was lying in the same spot my sister found it in… I don’t know why but I FREAKED OUT. I called my sister a fucking bitch all because she claimed to NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!!! LITERALLY verbatim!!!! I have the texts, it goes from Idk what your talking about, to asking me if I remember wearing it, she doesn’t know what to tell me, then 20 min later after I told her she lost me as a friend (we have gotten really close, and id do anything for her) because I KNEW she took it and she was LYING in my face, making me feel and go  and even act crazy. I disrespected my mom and my sister for me being upset. I was in a bad mood when I got home.. and then I saw that. I freaked. And not even to mention THIS MORNING, as I was getting ready for work as I moved this bracelet to the spot it was at I thought to myself, how funny if Hayley tried stealing this, since I KNOW its right here.. Literally no joke, no crosses I legit thought this on the way out.. so for her to say, are you sure you didn’t wear it?

Omg. Words could NOT describe. I was BALLLLLLLING. On the FLOOR crying. It was a whole mess… I shut my door and prayed to God for strength, I was hyperventilating. Trying to breathe, hysterically crying and repeating God give me strength wasn’t quite all working lol.. I had to stop speaking and start praying silently till my breathing calmed down..  I felt so so soooo low at this point crying just felt natural, like a relief…. I felt so much better afterwards..

I do take full responsibility for how I reacted today and I am quite embarrassed. I don’t know what got into me..IF you want an example of sitting on the pity pot this is it.

All that was consuming me had to do with how my work sucks and I deserve better and if not at least respect. I am completely broke (had to dip into savings type shit), taxes will NOT go thru, this is the 6th time I sent them in, school called me once, sent to vm, called back, sent to vm, no call back. That’s in regards to financial aid (OR LACK THEREOF!), and how I am broke because of that too.. then my sister tries and makes me go crazy, my mom had an attitude the entire day (am AND pm), then I am bloated as fuck ALL THE TIME!…..

So anyways I balled. Hard. I let it all out. Everyone is on good terms now. I need to do a little soul searching and figure out this mess. I mean I know everyone has their ups and downs but FUCK. There are ways to avoid feeling hopeless.. 😦

So back on track After all the shhhhiiiiaat I needed to hit the gym. WITH MAH NEW SWEATSHIRTTT!!! and after a great meal 🙂

730pm BOULDAH SHOULDAH (boston accent)

Switched things up, started with Smith Machine Chest Press
50lbs x 12reps
50lbs x 12reps
60lbs x 10reps
60lbs x 8reps
70lbs x 4reps <– no idea lol……

Went to do should press, but I WAS SLACKING SO BADLY! I tried to start with 60 lbs so like a 30 DB in each hand and I couldn’t even do it…. That sucked for my ego.. NBD I think I tried to do 2 sets and switched to Upright Rows Supersetted with a Front raise (20lbs BB)

50lbs x 10reps
20lbs x 12reps x 4 sets

then went into the yoga room and did 10 (30)DB swings (like a squat to front raise) then did 10 (ea) lateral raise for 10 reps 3 Sets

then finished with 3 sets of an incline chest press at 50lbs

5 minutes of planks

30 minutes of treadmill no less then 12 incline (max 20) on 2.8-3.0

Went home stopped at Baskin Robbins, grabbed my mom some of her chocolate chip ice cream and headed home. Ate a protein shake (my yuckie strawberry and banana expensive as shit protein with actual strawberries (3) and a 1/2 banana ice and water, didn’t taste that bad actually…

NOWWWWW it is 1204am and I am super tired but I had to write this blog.. I knew I had to finish it so I can post it tomorrow morning… I don’t even know if my point was understood or if I even made one…… Anywho, I need to stop worrying and have no fear..

Where God’s love is, there is no fear. God’s perfect love takes away fear.

=)

Goodnight ❤

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Day 22 #healthygirlproblems

8am I have been broke all week because a small shopping spree, and me having to pay for school, so I have $21 till tomorrow morning.  I didn’t have food to take to work this morning (I got lazy so its my own fault), and just so happens my gas light turned on.. well since I didn’t want to ask my mom or take money out of my savings, I decided to put $5 in my gas tank and leave the rest for my blackened chicken breasts from Whole Foods. I guess I’ll figure out how to get home later 😉

#healthygirlproblems.

830am Myofusion Protein Shake LIKE USUAL.

9am Learn that 4 students were shot at an Ohio High School. Please pray for a safe recovery.

The reason I am so tired this morning is because I stayed up late having “deep” (lol) conversations with someone, and this topic was brought up. About how people are inhumane. How people could look so “normal” on the outside and be so morally corrupted inside. I was never always a good girl, but I couldn’t DREAM up some of this stuff that people do (killing animals, brutal murders, ext). It’s just so unbelievable that people could honestly do some of the things that go on in this world.
905am I prayed for the first time in awhile. It felt so good.
1015am I am hungry. Drinking tea and a diet coke. Will eat a lara bar in about 30 min or so.
1207pm Super hungry. Had a PB Chocolate Chip Lara bar. It was actually pretty good, but I got to be careful of the ones with the CC’s bc they have sugar in it (not sure if its natural). Gonna head to Whole Foods again for my chicken breast.
Is it weird that I am super excited to get off work everyday and work out? Lol
I was so spoiled before when I was a personal trainer. I got to work out whenever I had free time. I was literally at the gym from 6am to 8pm (sometimes 10pm depending where I was with training for the competition). But no joke, it wasn’t even like going to work. I LOVED my clients (for the most part haha) and enjoyed going to work everyday for the WHOLE day. One day though, one day I’ll be back. I had a little taste of what I want to do for the rest of my life, and now I’m just creating a path, something I can be excited about and PROUD OF. Something I can feel like I accomplished by myself (I’m still trying to see my strengths and what I’m “good at”). I do know that I will be in the fitness industry or something pertaining to it for the rest of my life. I don’t see myself not caring about my body, or helping others feel good about themselves. I know one day I am going to finally feel like I “used everything God gave me.”
Actually that’s a really good quote, I’m googling it:

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.”

SO powerful <3.

1pm I went to whole foods, and got 2 blackened chicken breasts. Honestly every time I go into Whole foods I get excited.. More #healthygirlproblems? LOL. Btw I googled to see if I could make a website or something, but some girl already has it AND IS NOT GIVING IT ITS FULL POTENTIAL! I wonder if I could like…. buy it off her.. I think its a great freakin idea.  Not to mention my “facebook friends” have said they want a Bad Boy of the Day, as well as Bad Bitch of the Day// lol I thought that was kind of funny. I just don’t know how it would all work.. Ill think about it.

So anyways I left Whole Foods only $9.57 later. CHEAPEST TRIP TO WHOLE FOODS EVER!! and I ate one of my chicken breasts in the car. Is that weird? actually I really am weird.

230pm and I’m eating Justin’s Chocolate Almond Butter packet (180 cals), stomach is already growling.

Not sure what I want to do today in the gym. I just did legs on Saturday so I’m waiting till tomorrow to do those again. My arms , more specifically my tri’s, hurt like a bitch. Which is great, because my arms NEVER are sore the next day. I also think my arms are the weakest part of my body. I would LOVE nice defined arms. ❤ ❤

SO fucking sexy.

Btw forgot to take a progress pic. Don’t mind though, I’m really more worried about 9 weeks and later (9 weeks is usually where most people start dieting, depending on their off season).
5pm Ate 1/2 of the other chicken breast IN MY CAR, like the first one.. Seriously here I am banging my dub step with a huge chicken breast in my hand. Just IMAGINE IT!
630pm Ate the other 1/2 of the chicken breast, 1/2 of a lemon lara bar, a cutie (orange thing), and the last 2 PB&J squares.
8pm Finally got to the gym! Super excited about working out. I have no idea but I honestly feel like a whole new person. Ive stopped letting people get to me. Ive stayed positive when life takes its turns, and overall I just live life with out fear. And thats something that I could NOT say a few years ago, probably even a month ago.

I am F E A R L E S S !

So I hit the gym with probably one of the best attitudes that I have had in a LONG time. I first hit Assited pull ups (can’t wait to do these on my own, superfuckingexcited). I then went to a unilateral row (went pretty heavy here). Follwed by a super set consisting of a Wide grip row and a pullover. Then ended with some machine I actually have no idea what it is called (went heavy here too). I finished up with 5 minutes of planks and 20 minutes of the stair master. I feel fucking AWESOME!

930pm Came home and made a protein shake (myofusion banana and pb2 ice water) tastes great 🙂 Finishing up the blogs, updates, emails, and then gonna call this one an early one. Sorry today was kind of boring.. Not much going on. 😉

My lift big eat big sweatshirt ❤ 

And for some reason I look super skinny. Idk why..  
Def excited about this change though. It’s only gonna get better from here on out. Have faith, and everything else seems easy.

Goodnight ❤ 

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