Tag Archives: happiness

Failure is no longer an option.

“We know that to keep going matters more than when we fail. That the secret to success is not such a secret that it seems. For we all hold the keys. We are the keepers of our dreams.”

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Inner peace and happiness is the true balance in life.

Well would you look at that? Second blog post in a row.. Actually I should delete that before I jinx myself again. HOWEVER!!!! Tomorrow I work from 3-6:30pm but going in around 12 to get a leg work out in. After that, I am going with the boy to the track till probably around midnight so no blog post tomorrow. I will update on Saturday though.

Today was short of a train wreck. The boy came over last night late so I pretty much said hello and passed out. Well, that is before I gave him my last strawberry shortcake skinny cow while I ate a handful of blueberries. I am telling you… I am going to STAY STRONG during these four weeks of no cheats. I do however, like today, had a kind bar which is keeping me sane. That, and Quest Bars. If you have never heard of them, I suggest you do yourself a favor and google that shit. They are by FAR amazing. I actually had a client today come over to my desk before a session while I was eating one and informed her about them. After our session, I ran up to the treadmills (Yup, doing cardio like a good client!!!), and gave her my last apple pie one. I didn’t mind. For some reason I am straight addicted to their brownie flavored ones. That is, till I try their new raspberry white chocolate one ;P

Anyways, side tracked like a mother.. So I woke up around 10am and went downstairs to eat something. I knew I was going to go back to bed for a bit and wanted to get something in me before I went hours with an empty stomach. I ate about 1/2c greek yogurt with more blueberries and made a piece of toast with PB on it for the boy and I. After a little while shit got nuts. I got crazy insecure and shit just escalated. I am just sick and tired of feeling how I feel lately. Things aren’t going well. Work is long and strenuous and I don’t get paid like I should. I am literally living paycheck to paycheck with no social life because I can’t afford it. Now I don’t mind per say because it usually affects training (going out for drinks or a movie.. I mean who can say no to a couple handfuls of butter with a side of popcorn?).. but the fact that I don’t even have a choice, is overwhelming. Outside of that, all I worry about is him and what he’s doing and who he’s talking too. Now I am one insecure bia and have always been but this.. this is just crazy. I WANT IT TO STOP! I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop thinking the thoughts I think. All of it. I want to pretend nothing ever happened in our relationship for me to feel like this. No, I am not putting all the blame on him, but it has definitely altered the way I view our relationship now. Time and time again I say how I want to change and how I will and yadda ya but every week its the same shit. I have contemplated talking to someone but I don’t have the time. I am literally on call for my clients and don’t feel its the right thing to do at the very moment. I have seen someone before and have taken psych classes… so I know the road they are going to take. I just need to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. Yes, I can go back and claim daddy issues for this shit but it’s not about that. Yes, I have a fear of being abandoned (more so dumped and cheated on) but because it’s how the story has always ended up to be. Not even that, he has put doubt in my head and although its been a year, time doesn’t always heal as fast as you would like it too. And trust me, I WANT IT TOO! But I will not allow my “home” issues to affect anymore of my life than it already has. I am just lucky that I have not chosen food to cope with my issues. That is a HUGE step for me. Although I have lacked in work outs (second day this week without a full work out), I’d rather lack in work outs and rest than fill my body with mass quantities of bullshit for an instant satisfaction that will only bring days of complete and utter disappointed. I am just going to pray. That’s it. Oh, and lift!

Well, after a few spurts of tears later, he left and I got ready for work. I made up a few meals and ate 4 slices of turkey bacon before I headed out (looked at the ingredients.. Um no thanks).

3:15pm Got to work
3:30pm Trained K. He had a kick ass work out ;P
Had 1/2 Kind bar and 1/2 Quest bar
4:00pm Trained H (had a good convo with her in between her rests to catch her breath)
4:30-5:30pm Had a break because one of my clients cancelled.
5:30pm HM asked me if I wanted to train arms with C and him and I agreed but only had 30 minutes till my next apt.
Ate 1/2c brown rice with 99% FF ground turkey. Cold. Awesome. Not.
6:00-9pm More clients.
In between those clients I ate some more chicken. Also had some almonds and the rest of the kind and quest bar.

On my way home around 9:45pm I ate another 1/2c greek yogurt with.. you guessed it, blueberries. I stopped at jewel for a few items. I mean it was late, but chicken was on sale for $1.99 a pound. LOL

It is currently 11:42pm and I will have, most likely, more greek yogurt and……STRAWBERRIES??? haha.. maybe blueberries. I don’t care about eating fruit at night. I would rather that than a fantastic tasting chocolate bar. From now until 2-3 months, you will see fruit in my diet just about every meal of the day. Yes, it’s sugar but I stay active and until I need to cut, bring it on!

Okay okay.. so as the pictures were uploading I went downstairs and got some. Darn these blueberries!

Okay okay.. so as the pictures were uploading I went downstairs and got some. Darn these blueberries!

Here, I have chicken, ground turkey (UGH! 99% FF is $2 more than 80/20 fml), greek yogurt, bananas, strawberries, blueberries (LOL) and carrots. I bought the carrots for the track tomorrow because all I will be doing is smelling burnt rubber and funnel stix (FML). SERIOUSLY HEAD STRONG! I can do this!!!!!

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I would be by the PB aisle..

So after my little 20 minute arm work out, that was the most I did working out today. I was not feeling up to it. Besides, my whole body is sore. Although I do miss it, I did a little arm work out at home and took this progress picture of my shoulders again. I am so excited for the changes that are going to come.

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Other than that, that sums up my day. Nothing TOO crazy might I add. Tomorrow should be exciting though. I am looking forward to this new positive attitude that I am trying out. I mean.. I am staying positive that I’ll be able to stay positive. Hmmm..

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Friday night and I am updating my blog. Exciting much?!

Feeling like crap today. Had a couple of good work outs the last few days after having 4 days off. I did an upper body work out on thursday (last week) and on saturday morning I felt completely paralyzed. Even the blanket that I was sleeping with felt like concrete. I had to go into work for a few hours and even that wasn’t a good idea. I tried to show a client how to do a shoulder press with a 20lb BB and I could barely lift it. It only got worse after that. I felt like I tore shit up. The only thing I can think of is when I did BW (body weight) pull ups. I am only use to doing assisted pull ups so I figured that I ACTUALLY used my back muscles and they were NOT excited about it. THENNNNN I couldn’t even fully extend my right arm without shooting pain. H thought I pinched a nerve, but its probably my body telling me to back the fuck off for a bit. So I did. Then went back at it as soon as I felt better…. Story of my life. I feel good though outside of .. other issues.. girl issues. But they are hitting me hard. I did 30 minutes on the stair master which seem to subside the pain but as soon as I stepped off of it, pain was even worse. Luckily I only had a few more clients and got to go home and get medicine. Friday night will consist of red box and egg whites.

Why egg whites you may ask? Lmao.. Because I finally decided to track my macros (macronutrients: fats, protein, carbs) and holy shit no wonder I have been stuck at 150lbs. 8pm and I’ve already consumed 1500 calories 175g carbs 50g fat 80g protein. H and I discussed what I should be hitting and the totals were 1700 calories 180g carbs 60g fat 180g protein. So in other words.. I have 200 calories left and need about 5g carbs, 10g fat and 100g protein.. Yeah.. good luck with that. I really didn’t plan anything all I did was track what I would normally eat from day to day… Knowing that, it has truly opened my eyes considering I would probably have 1-2 more meals before I went to bed tonight.. That being said, I really need to start paying attention to what I am eating. I guess I never really cared because I wasn’t gaining weight but now I want to try to start leaning out. I am only doing about 2 sessions of 30 minutes of cardio so yes I could do more. I could also do a little more of high intensity lifting instead of counting calories/carbs ext but I don’t want to lose anything that I have worked for via cardio. I made that mistake my first bikini competition and will not do it again. That and cardio sucks. A lot. I mean.. come on.. unless you’re boxing or doing plyos or something, the treadmill/stair master and I definitely have a love hate relationship going on. I hate it, but love what cardio does for the body (well.. when you are smart about it). My polar heart rate (GOOGLE!! It is one of the best inventions ever) tracks my calories burned via my work outs and its about 4-5000 calories a week. Again, thats practically straight lifting.

So, what does 1500 calories look like? Well, today I had:

Breakfast:
1/2 c grape nuts (straight addicted to them) 200cals

1/2 c milk 60cals
1/2 c watermelon 30cals
4 pieces of turkey bacon 100cals

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Protein shake:
6oz greek yogurt 100cals
1/2 c blueberries w/ water 84cals

Post Work Out:
1 WW pita bread 200cals
2 TBS peanut butter 210cals

Dinner:
6oz chicken/beef 230cals
1c brown rice 230cals

Snack:
1/2 c cottage cheese 90cals

I also had some egg whites I didn’t account for. So.. clearly over 1500 calories. Unreal. I was probably having at least 2000 calories a day. Granted I probably burned more on those days (Only burned about 300 calories on the stair master today).. but still. That’s A LOT!

Oh man. I am def going to put more thought into what I am doing now that I am getting serious about my training. I am seeing results though and feel like I am getting stronger but that scale is NOT budging. I really could care less.. but its clearly because I am consuming a crap ton of food!

Post eating deep fried mac and cheese, funnel stix and a burger with cheese fries!

Post eating deep fried mac and cheese, funnel stix and a burger with cheese fries!

Nothing too special, but the definition I am seeing in my arms is 100% more than I have ever seen before..

Nothing too special, but the definition I am seeing in my arms is 100% more than I have ever seen before..

Here are a few progress pictures to end this blog because I am getting super tired and want to do a spin class tomorrow morning. If you haven’t tried one, I suggest you do some time. It is a GREAT work out (if you actually put effort into it) and really enhances your endurance quickly. I’ve burned over 1000 calories in a class.. meaning.. I CAN EAT! lol.. I’m jk.. don’t look at it like that, think of food as fuel. Speaking of which..  Had a younger girl today puke on me. Not literally.. just via my training session with her. Can you guess why? Because it was 2pm and the only thing she had was a banana. Yep.. a banana. Why on earth would you go without eating then try to train? As you may know, I’ve had my fair share of eating disorders but I don’t think I would work out that intensely. I would just starve. Yes, consuming a small amount of calories is bound to lose weight quickly but it is not healthy. You are at risk of losing muscle and not fat. So why do that when you can eat and look good? Did you read that right? YOU CAN EAT AND STILL LOOK GOOD!!!!! I just wish people listened. I didn’t have anyone telling me that what I was doing was wrong. I just saw the changes (not even good ones, just a change in the scale) and thought why stop now? Anyways, I may not know everything (CLEARLLLLLYYY I don’t) but I know and have common sense and starving.. is not worth it.

You can live a normal life without “dieting”, just eat healthy, and get moving. I can’t stress this enough.

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Weekly Check Up :P

A lot of things are happening and seems to me that the more effort I put in, the greater the outcome. How funny that its common sense, yet until I felt like I hit rock bottom, has it really opened my eyes..

My promotion at work was accepted and it will start July 1st, hopefully making a little more money than I currently am. Considering, I am busting my ass and still living paycheck to paycheck. I know it’s not forever, but damn does each day feel like it. It’s really hard sometimes and recently has been some of the hardest. Even contemplating getting a second job, or leaving training completely till I can keep my head above water. Obviously that isn’t what I want to do but sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to do in order for everything else to fall into place. The last thing I want to do is go spend a couple of months serving and waiting tables but it has crossed my mind more than once. We will see, praying that things work out for the best.

I do have a business proposition that came about a few days ago. Someone willing to invest in what I have to offer. The hard thing? I don’t know what I have to offer.

I get so overwhelmed with things that they end up sitting on the back burner. Out of sight, out of mind. This isn’t and hasn’t been the best approach, yet I can;t seem to calm the anxiety I get from over thinking just about every damn thing. All I know is that I need to seriously put time and effort into focusing on what I want to achieve than just hoping one day I get some lucky break. No one is going to do this for me. I need to get my head out of my ass and put these dreams into sight, into true opportunities. It is right in front of me and I need to hold on for dear life.

Other than the normal life rollercoaster, my work outs/progress have been really taking my mind off everything. Instead of worrying how much money I have left till next paycheck, I am thinking about how much weight I want to progress up too, how sore my muscles are, how good I feel. Stressing my body, not my mind. Have been having super awesome workouts thanks to H @ the gym. Still learning new techniques and the proper form when lifting heavy and using it to my full potential.

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6/21/13

It’s amazing to see what the body can achieve by just believing that it can be done. Now I just need to have that mind-set when discussing my future and what it holds. I can do it. Plain and simple. Whatever task is in front of me, I want to concur it. I beat myself up all the time, whether it’s not being able to finish a full set or thinking I have no potential in well, anything. It gets me down no doubt, but I will overcome these obstacles I place on myself. I will achieve greatness one way or another.

Here is a progress picture from this morning. The dude and I went to BWW after a late night fishing session. I caught probably 5 little guys, see:

My first little guy of the evening :) .. and yes hes pooping.

My first little guy of the evening 🙂 .. and yes hes pooping.

..but ended up getting attacked by mosquitos so my pansy ass wanted to wait in the car. He ended up not caring so we left and grabbed a bite to eat. Wasn’t a horrible night, I got upset over something stupid but chose not to talk about it because I need to realize I can handle this shit on my own. It’s like breaking a bad habit. I WILL get there and hopefully it will be another piece glued back towards our trust…

Buffalo Wild Wings FTW!

Buffalo Wild Wings FTW!

I got 2 whole wheat wraps with ranch on the side but also opted for 5 boneless wings in BBQ (they were .60!!!) lol.. I didn’t care either way, I haven’t had a cheat meal in the longest time so there’s my validation. Not to mention the next day I would have a KILLER leg work out, burning over 1200 calories. Yes, 1200!! Still barely doing any cardio. Maybe about an hour a week. Yes, I could do more but I don’t think I will just yet. I know I want to be super lean but I need to figure out my body first. It’s a science and it’s almost too easy that it becomes difficult at times. But its nice when you have other people supporting you and going through the same shit. Makes it feel..less bad.. and painful.. lol. No it doesn’t actually. My body is so sore I can only imagine what tomorrow is going to feel like.

Work out consisted of:
Squats- couple sets of 125 ( I believe.. isn’t the bar 35? 25? fuck. But 2 (45) plates) Leg Press– couple sets of 270
Leg Ext- the chica and I did about 60 for 12 reps. Little did we know that was too little, so we had to do another set or 2 of 120lbs LMAO!
w/ Body weight Lunges– 100 total
I finished with 3 sets of box squats of a little more than 125. I can’t remember though.

Didn’t have enough time, but needed to do a little more hamstring work but almost a good thing I didn’t because my legs (excuse me, ENTIRE BODY) was achey.. AKA GAME OVER!!!!!!!  ughhh ;P

Post Work Out Leftovers

Post Work Out Leftovers

(I also had extra chicken in my car because there wasn’t enough protein in one of those to even be beneficial lol). I also had an additional 40g of carbs via another piece of pita bread and a couple oz of gatorade.

..Though, decided to do a spin class with a couple of my girl clients tomorrow morning. It is such a great work out if you push yourself. You have the potential to burn 800 to over 1000 calories. Not to mention, is a great way to increase your endurance. However, my legs my lanta. Fingers crossed I’ll be able to do it tomorrow 🙂

Still eating quite a bit. Again, hopefully I will put more time into writing my food log down but in a couple of weeks I will be calorie counting so it;ll make it easier to just copy and paste. And yes you heard that right, calorie counting. Now I RARELY do this and practically tell my clients not to (for multiple reasons).. I think it becomes tedious, repetitive at times but more so overwhelming. Other than that, I think if you are consistently working out and eating the right foods, that you shouldn’t worry about how many calories you’re consuming unless 1. you AREN’T eating enough (VERY common), 2. you AREN’T losing weight/inches (the scale should NOT be your idea of a measurement of progress!!!!) 3. competing. Other than that, say NO to diets and start living a healthy lifestyle. If you aren’t being active and don’t care what you eat, weight gain is almost inevitable.. Because in the end, it is about calories in vs calories out. But in no way do I want people to start weighing and measuring food and being meticulous about it because it almost does more harm than good. Yes I will have people disagreeing with me but you also haven’t suffered multiple eating disorders and I am telling you, once you start getting carried away it no longer becomes healthy.

My breakfast for the last 2 days.. Mmmm

My breakfast for the last 2 days.. Mmmm

Here is a WHOLE WHEAT Pita (with only 4 ingredients!!!!!!!!!!!) toasted, with an ALL NATURAL PEANUT BUTTER (only ingredients are Peanuts and salt I believe), mixed with Myofusions Chocolate protein powder. Tasted like nutella (no lie).

Any who.. I am going to relax and watch a movie. I’m going to keep stretching and possibly do a little core work (since I haven’t done anything in about a week smh..).. Other than that, tonight is a well deserved rest night ;P

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Road to Ripped Progress Pictures :D

Do you ever get frustrated that you’re working so hard but not seeing results as quickly as you’d wish? Many people don’t realize that they’re building a foundation for their health and that success will not happen overnight. It is a slow process in which you are constantly building and learning. It is extremely important to create a foundation that will remain strong even in times of crisis.

It has taken me over 10 years to get to where I am right now. I have struggled and battled every eating disorder out there trying to become what I thought was “perfection”. I starved and have puked myself thin to a point where vessels in my eyes have burst, I coughed up blood almost daily, and consumed no more than 500 calories a day. You think this sounded like happiness? You think this was at all “perfect?” Who would want to live their life like this?

Apparently, I did for years. It wasn’t until I started working at a gym and learning the healthy way of becoming fit..healthy..happy.. I still struggled and I continue to struggle but at this point in my life, I can say that I have become a better person through all of it. It still isn’t easy and I still dread looking in the mirror sometimes but at the end of the day I am proud of what I have accomplished. I know my blog has become somewhat depressing but I don’t give a shit. This is my blog and a way that I can look back and see how far I have become. I go through bad, horrible, unimaginable emotional days but I know what needs to be done in order for me to like myself. Yes.. like myself. I know this world isn’t ALL about outside appearance, and beauty and looking perfect..but it sure seems that way. Maybe that’s where all this stemmed from… Looking at airbrushed the fuck up magazines… starring relentlessly at amazingly conditioned bodies at the gym.. whatever it was.. it consumed me. I will now and forever live my life preaching to the world just how important becoming healthy truly is. Not just for the world to look and comment how beautiful you are, but to honestly feel it inside. I remember looking in the mirror one day at the gym and amazed at the progress I saw. It opened my eyes to just how important treating yourself with respect really was.. And for that, I will devote my time and love into supporting whomever wants to take the journey with me… not just my idea of “road to ripped”..but the road to true inner happiness…

Well.. now that I got that mushy gushy shit off my chest.. I have gathered some pictures after scrolling through 20,000 pictures..yes there are over 20,000 pictures on my Mac.. LOL.. and would like to share some progress pictures, along with what I eat, with you.

Beginning

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Too lazy to crop this one..my bad.

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Now.. this isn’t the end result. This isn’t the “final” product.. I am sure you will all be the first to know when I feel like I am “there”..but this is just that.. my progress thus far. I really wish I had old pictures of back when I was skin and bones because THAT would be the true progress. I went from being 98lbs (I am 5’7) to a whopping 150+ ( I stopped weighing myself at one point in fear of what the truth was. The scale isn’t your friend.. nor is it 100% accurate especially when you are beginning, or continuing a fitness regimen. I always fear my clients will get unmotivated if they are not happy at the number staring back at them.. We all know muscle takes up less space in the body, making our clothes fit better, but weighs more than fat. You could fit in those jeans you havent worn in forever, yet the scale hasn’t budged. THIS IS NORMAL! Do NOT be afraid anymore! As long as you are moving, getting and staying active and watching the SHIT foods in moderation while keeping a healthy “diet”, the scale shouldn’t matter anymore), and now I am back at 150. Shit.. Tell me years ago that I would be 150 and I would have cried myself to sleep for days.. but this is the thing.. I have never been in this great of shape before.. Okay… yes I have.. when I competed in a bikini show a year or two ago.. but this is it.. I feel it. Nothing can stop me anymore..

I haven’t binged in the longest time. I actually couldn’t even tell you the last time I did.. why? because I am too determined to be great. I am too determined to prove to myself that I can stick with this shit. Through the bad days, the good ones and fuck! Even the ones that wish I never got out of bed I still tell myself over and over that I can DO THIS!.. and honestly.. so can everyone that has signed up to be trained by me.. The thing is.. it really depends on how bad you want it. You can THINK you do.. you can even dream about it.. but nothing matters until you actually do it and KEEP doing it. Keep in mind you will have bad days.. but just look forward to the good ones. Like they said, ” don’t be afraid of going slow, be afraid of standing still”.. Pick yourself up.. and keep moving forward. No matter how long it takes, just know that you are one day closer to being who you truly want to be…

Here are a few pictures of what I eat on a daily basis…

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Kashi Waffles with WF pancake syrup

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Look at the food that I eat.. Why starve when you can achieve a fantastic looking body by eating? I mean.. truly eating and I eat A LOT. Yes.. people will still think I look manly.. yes not every girl wants my body.. but I am HEALTHY.. and it doesn’t even end there.. but I am HAPPY with my body.. how many of you can actually say that?

My main go to’s are ground turkey, steak, chicken, greek yogurt, eggs, fruits of all kinds (be careful.. now yes a banana is better than eating a snickers but fruit has sugar regardless if its natural or not. Now there are many stereotypes about all this crap.. but the only reason I bring this up is because people tend to take things for granted and consume high amount of calories thinking that just because its healthy that it wont matter… well.. it does. It’s all about calories in vs calories when talking about weight loss.. Just keep that in mind)… asparagus, broccoli, sweet potatoes and regular potatoes.. I have fallen in love with Kashi Waffles (I usually don’t find many products that have a good ingredient list, but surprisingly enough, the ingredients were basic and the nutrition % was awesome! There are about 150 calories for 2, 19g of carbs, 2g of protein).. Skinny Cow has also become a favorite of mine as well.. I would rather have one of those strawberry shortcakes then a whole pint of ice cream.. My portion control sucks a fat one!

But there you have it ladies and gentleman.. A blog post that took be over an hour to write, but one that was worth reading. One that wasn’t full of depression and shit that makes you want to feel bad for me. LOL! Not saying that everything in my life is perfect at the moment, because that is far from the truth. However, just giving you an insight on how actually giving a fuck about your body can and will benefit you each day forward. It has taught me dedication and has held me accountable.. traits that are hard to come by and stick with in this day in age. It is so easy to just not give a shit and to eat whatever you want and to sleep an extra hour than to get up and do some cardio, or take a bike ride.. It is so easy to not care.. why don’t we choose the path less taken?

What do we have to lose?

 

 

except a few pounds here and there 😉

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Starting at the bottom..

Once again, can’t keep consistent with this thing. I was busy before but now, holyshitballs I am so overwhelmed. Even more so than last time I said I was overwhelmed..

Bombarded with clients, should be a good thing considering I just recently made a switch to a full time personal trainer.. However it has me suuuperr stressed. Trying to make everyone happy while still taking a decent paycheck to pay my bills.. I’m getting get shit, another pay cut. I suppose we all have to start at the bottom somewhere right?

Other than work, which is still exciting while its overwhelming, I am still taking my wellness coaching class. I have about 2-3 weeks left and a paper to write in a week, which I haven’t started.  I need to sit down once my schedule is “normal” and really start prioritizing my life. The only good thing I suppose I have to write about is the fact that I have stayed consistent with my work outs and “diet”. Like legit consistent and it feels amazing. I don’t have much time to think about “cheating” or any excuse NOT to work out.. I mean I work at the friggin gym! Though.. My last gym I was at before I got transferred over here, many guys actually gained weight when they started at the gym. That surprised me alot.. Considering when I am in the gym setting I am INSTANTLY motivated.. It’s like when I see people working out, I want to workout! Give and take, truly finding my balance one day at a time. 

Other than my work and my work out life, things are still going well. Living paycheck to paycheck (nothing new been doing this for quite some time now), which can be stressful but I am Living my life one blessed minute at a time. 3 days ago marked my boos and I “one year” anniversary (It’s been longer actually but we never set a date or even knew when we started dating. We just.. Well did lol). He got off work a little late but we ended up going to jewel and picked up some food to grill with. We love to grill.. We love to eat 🙂 (I’m his little fat kid at heart. We get down).. Then passéd out shortly after because I had to be up at 4:15am. Yes. 4 in the morning to train clients for 3 hours.. And to think I couldn’t get up that early to even to fasted cardio.. I suppose when you’re getting paid its a little easier 😉

I don’t mind it though.. I think ill be doing that for 3days out of the week. It at least let’s me snag some cardio in before 7am which is helping my progress.  I am just excited for things to get rolling.. My schedule is filling up fast which is a good thing for my wallet.. Hopefully I stay on top of things mentally though, because personal training has a high rate of burn outs. I mean I should know.. Back a couple years ago when I first started pt’ing about a year and half in I was just done with everything. I never wanted to work for a business “middle man” again but seem to have missed this life style a little.. Getting paid crap to change people’s lives, depending on those people to show up in general but the most work comes from keeping these clients on track via their workouts. The amount of money I am gettin paid to go above and beyond for my clients (do you have too? No.. But I believe in personal training. I see and know the value an truly want to help these people) is almost insulting, it is still a HUGE passion of mine and I will express that and continue to prove it.

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“IT”

I want this new year to start off right. I want this new year to be MY year. The year I show not only to other people but more importantly to myself that I can do this and continue to do it.

It? What’s “it” exactly?

It would be my dedication, my motivation, my will to succeed. “It” would be my hard work, my happiness within myself.

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I have come along way, fallen off a few times, but I am currently in the right direction. The past 2 weeks I have really put myself first and have gotten in the gym every day, only to see more and more progress which leads me to wanting “this” so much more. It makes you realize that you CAN do this, that you can make a difference. Like I’ve said before the beginning is the hardest but once you get passed the few hurdles I promise things will look up.

What I plan on doing this new year is to really put forth the effort and compete again come March 30. I want this new year to really be my “road to ripped“.

I want to take you fellow readers into my life of competition, the good the bad and the ugly. I want people to experience something that they may be afraid to do. Not only that, I want to show everyone the transformation that could happen if they just put the effort in.

Yes the effort.. the effort, the time, the discipline, and let me tell you once again.. it is SO worth it.

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“When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. “

Haven’t written lately. Mostly because nothing new has transpired. Pretty sure that’s an even split of good and bad. Not sure how well I could stand a few more things go wrong.

I have been hanging in there though. Taking everything with ease. Again, so thankful for the support group I have because without them staying positive would be hell. Been a week of clean eating. I had a slip up last night which ended in passing out early as fuck. Not beating myself is goal number one. I will however try a little harder in the gym tonight. Speaking of the gym, went 3 times this work week which is stellar for me right now. When I am there though, I feel so fucking good (Except when I see a bad ass body I’m super jealous about of course lol) <– which that sometimes has a reverse affect on my motivation. Sometimes I get so caught up and impatient that it makes me hate how I feel that I look like. But that’s where Ashley comes in.. I’ll text her every thing I’m feeling any point of the day and shes always there just reminding me that I’ll get there. and I KNOW I’ll get there its just hard dealing with the consequences of enjoying life how I have been. But again, everything will be okay.

I wish I was a little more organized with this blog thing. Writing out my daily scheduled eating, what work outs I complete, cool website finds, amazing products I stumble upon.. Thinking my resolution will be to improve this blog. Really go further into my life, a little more detailed. I think that I can really start helping people out. It’s nice when things are a simple read but very informative. I have a lot to teach, and love helping people with that step closer to self love.. real inner happiness..

Life with the boyfriend is fantastic. We have been growing closer and closer and it feels so good, so with the holidays coming I couldn’t be happier. I am going to enjoy thanksgiving and Christmas without a care in the world.

I really am starting to understand what it takes. I need a month or two to really get the lean look I am looking for. If I’m not lean, I’m not happy and it takes A LOT of dedication to stay lean year round. Again, another resolution.

Shane from my ig and fb messaged me last night or the night before and this is how the conversation went:

Shane Riley

How do you balance it all? School, gym, boyfriend, work..I mean it seems like you have a crazy busy life how do you do it all

Marissa Marie

I really dont. I have ass everything. I get in phases though.. Like before no bf I competed bc I really didn’t have anything else to do bc I wasn’t personal training anymore then got a bf and he takes a lot of my time but I don’t mind I do when I beat myself up over not always being stage ready but I have to learn how to love myself stage ready and a little less lean. I feel like I have an uncomfortable limit. Like I let myself go for a bit but now it’s time to start killing it. Idk if think maybe THAT’S my “balance”.. Staying lean is hard and sometimes I don’t always make that time.. I do what I want when I want. Sometimes I wish I was smarter at times bc if I did find a legit “balance” I could juggle things in life.. Then again idk if I like juggling. I like living life as is

Shane

That makes sense.. I just needed perspective from somebody else that’s been through this cuz I feel like I can’t rly find a balance either

Marissa Marie

you just have to do what you want whenever you want. workout when you want to you know the benefits of doing it and not doing it. its all up to you. I just cant be happy being fat.. so i push my limits and go from there. most people have a lot going for them magazines cover shoots ext so its easier for them to constantly be working out because technically their getting paid for it. .. me on the other hand have life throwing curve balls every which way i turn.. I just know that in the end I have to do what makes me happy. If i want to eat like shit let me eat like shit.. ill deal with it later.. if i want to skip a workout to go to a movie ok.. if i want to sleep fuck it.. im not beating myself up any more.. im just lucky because i like the process of turning my body into a machine so when I start I keep going till I hit a high then i find myself enjoying life more instead of inside the gym walls.

Shane

How come you stopped being a personal trainer?

Marissa Marie

I quit because of a now ex boyfriend. Worst decision of my life.

Shane

How come you don’t do it again?


4:03pm
Marissa Marie
I do sometimes on the side but a I don’t want to work for someone sometimes it’s more about $$$ and I don’t believe in that 2 I’m trying to focus on school 3 idk. Not gonna lie idk

I don’t know how to balance it all.. that’s my problem. I beat myself up one day, it grows into two or three days.. I get fed up feeling disgusted with myself then become obsessed with eating clean and lifting till I look how I want.. or till I get depressed and feed my emotions with sugar and lots of it and oh hey look! were back at square one.  It’s literally a vicious cycle..one in which every day I am learning different ways to cope and hopefully end it one day.

About the whole personal training issue…I had once dated thee ultimate douche. Made me quit my job move in change numbers watch my every mood type thing which obviously meant quiting my job (personal trainer) and it was the worst decision I ever made in my life. It was the best job, making great money doing what I love. I don’t know what I was thinking. Things were rough at that time but I thought it was the right thing to do.  Afterall he was the GM of the same franchise what could go wrong. Ohhh.. lol. what didn’t? Anywho it was what it was. I learned more life lessons then just losing a job..I can be a personal trainer anywhere. I don’t feel too bad about it though because in the end I don’t want to work for a company. They think WAY too much about the money and getting peoples money than results and changing peoples life. Like for example my boss would ask me how many resigns I had that month and although I met my “goals” every time , I never got to tell her how many lifes I’ve helped change and that was the true goal. It’s just my philosophy on the matter.. so everyones right,  I suppose I could just go out and train people like I use too but I am not ready for that. I will be, just not yet. I want to continue my education in the wellness field and hopefully become an actually coach (not JUST a personal trainer, something more) for everyone looking for help out there. Until then I myself  am finding myself more and more everyday and although it is a struggle, I’m in it for the long run.

Don’t have much planned for the weekend. I do however want sushi BAD so that’s my only criteria for Saturday or Sunday lol. I do plan on getting a couple workouts in because it really does make me feel like I got this.

Leaving you with a recipe from Chocolate Covered Katie that I am SUPER stoked about. My mom always makes apple crisp and so I know whats in it lol (definitely not the healthiest) but I WILL enjoy some on Turkey Day, but until then this simple recipe will def leave my taste buds satisfied.

Single-Lady Apple Crumble

(can be gluten-free)

  • 1 medium-sized apple, diced small
  • 1/8 tsp salt
  • 2 tbsp milk of choice
  • 1/2 tsp apple pie spice (you can probably sub cinnamon)
  • 1 stevia packet or 1-2 tbsp sugar or sucanat
  • optional add-ins: walnuts, raisins, etc.
  • 3 tbsp quick oats (15g) (For substitution notes, see nutrition link below.)
  • 2 tsp oat flour (or another flour of choice) (4g)
  • 1 tbsp oil or butter-type spread (such as Smart Balance Light or Earth Balance) (15g) (For a fat-free substitution, see “nutrition facts” link below.)

Preheat oven to 350 F and grease an oven-safe 2-cup dish. In a small mixing bowl, combine first five ingredients (and optional add-ins, if desired). Stir well. In a separate mixing bowl, combine remaining three ingredients and stir well. Now mix everything together and pour into the greased dish. (If you like a more-crumbly crumble, increase the amounts of the last three ingredients.) Bake 40 minutes (in the middle of the oven, not the very top), then turn the oven to high-broil for 2-3 minutes. Turn off heat, but let sit in oven 15 more minutes.

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Cheesin’ like a motherfucker.

So shit has been going great.. I am staying on track, and keeping up with my workouts.. but the most amazing part of this journey has been falling in love with a great man and on the right steps to loving myself.

They say you can’t fully love until you love yourself. I beg to differ (to an extent). He is the reason I smile and he never fails to put one on my face. He loves me for me, not because of how my ass looks, or whether or not I have abs that day (lol). I know I haven’t really posted about my relationships (mostly because I had none) but figured it took away from the reason I started this blog in the first place. However… it has EVERYTHING to do with it. I have dated assholes who have given me ultimatums regarding competing for a show or staying with that person. I have dated people that think I am shady or cheating on them because I stayed at the gym for one hour too many. I have dated people where I needed to impress them. Never again. I don’t want to have to constantly have a stick up my ass because I’m not feeling “up to par”.. I need to focus on my emotions and really what is causing them. It’s like my whole days goes to shit if I feel that I look like crap, and now.. being with someone that enjoys my company outside of a good body or a pretty face, is life changing. Enjoying life isn’t something I am familiar with, with all these fucked up thoughts constantly running through my brain.

But lately, I feel different. I feel like even though I am the only cause for my interal happiness, he is by far one of the biggest helps in my life. He pushes me to be a better person and truly understands the fight I fight each and every day. He tells me I am beautiful multiply times a day, and I am starting to actually believe it. I don’t need a man in my life (like I did when I was younger), but every part of me wants him.

I have fallen in love with my best friend.

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My Burden is Easing.

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she’s running from wants to give up and lie down.
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground

This is my brand new day starting now
I let go the things that weigh me down
And rob me of the beauty that’s to be found
And life all around
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as I rise above, my burden is easing

I am almost ready to get back in the gym again. I am stocking up on all my lovely products (Quest Bar, Myofusion, and Dymatize Protein Powders..Still have to get Nuts n’ more and PB2). It is super nice not worrying about morning cardio or your meals every 2 or 3 hours on the hour.. (yes I will continue to eating hourly but these last few days Ive just focused on when I am hungry.. which hasn’t been often because I feel like I am permanently bloated from the last few days of cheats haha)..
  1. Progress Pictures WILL be up shortly.. I just wanted to find a cool way of doing it but that was a fail and now I am just using an excuse to validate my procrastination.
  2. Recipes/ Workouts/ Food Log will be posted like prior format Monday (21st).
  3. I want my pinterest account shown on my homepage.. possible?
How do I feel? I feel fat. I have eaten whatever I wanted for the last 3 and 1/2 days and I just feel it weighing me down. I have taken this week and actually have been really enjoying myself. I have 3 months till my birthday and I want to look PROUD. Yes, proud. It took 3 months for me to get where I am now and I just know that the next 3 months in the gym are going to be SICK.. haha.. I don’t think you understand how excited I am for life to be in the happy lane.. .lol. I am a dork (I actually hate this word.. and I seem to get called it a lot….. not to mention a dork is a whale’s penis but its like so.. innocent.. not innocent but geeky? lol).. whatever.. but in all honestly I am ready to live life happy is all I meant by that weird ass sentence..
But yes this week I have been super relaxed and completely stress free. Yes I still obsess about the fact that I now “jiggle” lmfao.. but I am embracing it. Everyone knows what I’ve been through and have been SUPER cool about everything and by everything I mean about me binging.. IN PUBLIC!! hahahahaha no joke. This is super unhealthy by the way, but I was literally forcing food in me. Not even just unhealthy but rather disgusting lol. But its been fun (and super uncomfortable). I have been to some really cool places and have had a smile on my face since this past weekend. It’s lovely 🙂
BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT all this food and every last minute of the sugar high and prego bloat is NOT worth looking in the mirror and LOVING what you see when you stand there naked. No joke. It may or may not mean a lot to you guys, and that’s most likely because you have never actually been completely satisfied, but it changes things. (Not to forget that busting ass in the gym is rewarding yes, but most of the time it SUCKS and it’s PAINFUL and it takes what seems like a really fucking LONG TIME to show sings of progress!!!) The confidence and security you gain is magical. I have been fighting for YEARS, and I can’t say I won or found some cure but I found happiness. There are still so many aspects of my life I want to change but loving myself was first.
&& Thank you everyone for the sweet sweettttt comments.  I get super cheesy and emotional ALL the time, but I’ll say it again.. I appreciate everyone who takes their time to read what I blatantly don’t proofread or filter out and still find a positive message within.. and comment with a compliment. I smile so much when I see my email filled with people who found some sort of peace when reading my rants. I really do want to extend my hand and offer anyone help in anyway that I possibly can.. please feel free to email me at anytime:

eyesquat@gmail.com

We’ll all get there one day. Faith my friends.
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