Tag Archives: Hate

Pointless late night post.

So it’s 10:42pm on Saturday night. I don’t remember (nor have I put much work into finding out) what time I fell asleep at…. but it sure as hell wasn’t just a catnap like I told him. Yes I will refer to him as him as if you know who he is. Just go along with it. Names have to be withheld. Too many creeps.
 
So yeah. I was going to get chipotle but I am so glad I passed out. I can only imagine how bloated I would of felt. Dude. I jiggle again. I am probably 3 solid months worth of training. LOL.. yes I just measured my weight loss by how quickly it can be lost. Ugh. This time a scale may be needed. That and I will need to start writing my shit down. When it all comes down to it yes weight loss is a science. Pretty much, calories in vs calories out. That is the EASIEST (quickest, simplest ext ext) way of explaining HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT. If you know and understand that.. like Albert Einstein once said..

aka

Burn more calories (via exercise/movement) then you consume (ingest = eat).
..& I think writing it all down and literally calculating all my macronutrients, will be fool proof. 😉
 
I have always been really weird with my work outs though. For the most part I am pretty much on with my reps and sets when I write them down in the work out part of the blog. However there are some times when I do do more one set or I may do 2 less the next set. But let it be known that I 85-90% always go to FAILURE. I try and push myself, and to continous go till my comfort zone. Yes this may not be correct in any way shape or form but I have been pushed to anxiety attacks over rep numbers, not being able to get a higher weight then last week, even looking in the mirror has sent me home. Even worse? I have cried at the incline leg press before.. lol. Fucked up.
 
Anyways I didn’t mean to get into that.. but I just remembered the common questions I have been recently asked.
Lets move on to the real reason I even wanted to randomly start blogging at 11 at night.
I hate myself right now. Yes hate is a strong word and I don’t feel like pressing the delete button or moving my mouse and rewriting the sentence (so yes I will just continue to write even more lol therefore taking up more time when I really could of just rewrote the sentence and now I can’t stop writing).. haha.. I am jiggling literally as the laptop rests upon my legs (think laying in bed, lap top on quads on a 45 degree angle) gosh Im retarded. okay but literally i am jiggling. and before when I was downstairs I realized how soft I am lol. FUCK.
 
Listen I have NOT been at the gym in about 2 weeks. Not to mention I have not given A FUCK what has gone in my mouth recently…………. lol
 
but really its sad. I am so uncomfortable these days and TODAY I got my period = (besides TMI) MAJOR BLOAT + MAJOR MENS. PAINS = 😦
 
Everything sucks. I haven’t started this month off right but I promise as you are reading this, whoever and ALL who you are, I  promise tomorrow will be different. I suppose not for anyone else but myself but I want to be held accountable. Him and I set a short term goal of 4 weeks (so until July 4) to do a few things differently for ourselves and I really want to hold true to that. I really think we can ALL do what we put our minds too..but I think sometimes people don’t always see the long term goal or reward and just give up for the “time being”.. but overall you will change things about you that you want to change when your ready. No one should be faulted for that. Its been 6 months since I quit smoking cigarettes and that was a personal choice. I should have even weeks ago but I secretly liked to smoke :/
Honeslty I don’t even feel that much different, or even the added benefits lol but I think I soley based my choice to quit that it simply wasn’t healthy. And deep down thats a huge personal goal of mine. I know a lot of things I still do aren’t, but I want to change that. So, be the change you wish to see in the world, right?
Easier said then done.
 
Maybe..:)
 
I’m excited for tomorrows blog btw.
 
Food prep and my first (of many) leg work outs back from my “fat staycation”. I am going to be so fucking sore this week its going to suck. And now after all that zombie bullshit I am a little weary on taking my salt bathes after work outs. Fuck that shit. UNREAL.
 
I cannot stay focused for the life of me.
Yeah.. I don’t know if this blog had a point or not.
So hopefully I already made one because I just got tired again…
 

..So goodnight ❤

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Day 48-52 For someone who doesn’t like excuses, I sure have a shit ton.

Ah. Jeez. So sorry.

😦

I wish I had like a reasonable excuse as to why it has been 5 days since my last post, but I don’t.

Friday I completed my blog (it was boring, so its sitting unpublished lol), and did my 45 min of cardio that night.
Saturday morning I woke up (1130) and did 30 min of cardio on an empty stomach, and sort of rushed the rest of the time.

Around 1230 (after showering and eating) I headed out on a mini road trip, so for the weekend day 48/49 will be better off explained via pictures 🙂

So Sunday I get back. Apparently I ate BBQ chips the night before 😦 and a lot more alcohol then I had wanted too :/ So I was a little weird about that. So what do I do? Eat like shit. Why? The only excuse I could come up with is I was hungover. So I ate, nothing too bad but a whole lot of nothing healthy.

Part of Mondays Binge.

Monday comes along. I feel like shit still. Haven’t been sleeping. Start day 2 of binge.

Enter embarrassing details here.

Tuesday comes along. I feel like shit still, only one to blame is myself. That and fucking pot. Start day 3 of binge.

Enter even more embarrassing details here.

Wednesday comes along. I still feel like shit. I knew I was going to feel like shit. I am SO FUCKING OVER IT.

I have been driving home in silence lately.. trying to figure out my ways of self destruction. I literally talk myself through it. I KNOW what I am doing. I KNOW how I will feel afterwards.. and what..? I still do it?

That makes a whole lot of fucking sense doesn’t it?
no?

YEAH NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK.

Yet I have no excuse. And No I do not want comments saying its okay and todays a new day and shit like that because I know that.. I am not ruining today because of yesterdays..and the day before that were complete and utter shit. No.. I am simply trying to talk my way through this feeling/emotion/lack of dopamine/ whatever the fuck it is, I am trying to U N D E R S T A N D it. Because I don’t.

My mom thought it was because I like to punish myself. FUCK THAT. Why would I LIKE to punish myself? I feel like shit. I treat people like shit when I feel like shit. I get angry when really I am sad inside. and quite frankly I have YET to find joy in my pain/punishment.

I have yet to find a balance 😦 but as God is my witness, I will work each and everyday to try and find it 🙂

So today is Wednesday. I am on spring break from school (big deal lol) so I am going to leave work my usual 30-45min early just so I can get to the gym faster.
I am ready again. GO HARD.

But is it not bizarre that technically I “fell off” exactly 1.5 months in, exactly half way through? lol….. hmmmmm…. It’s allllll good.. I just have to step it up a bit and go fucking tanning. I swear if you are ever self conscious about your body, so spray tanning. Everyone looks good tan. I. am. not. kidding.

and I think I am FINALLY going to get my nails done :):) Its been WAY too long, but I am finally not broke haha.. My reimbursement for school came yesterday WITH MY INCOME TAXES BACK!!! HOLLLLAAAAAAAA… to bad I owe like $500 to people lol.. ol well.. 😦 That’s the price you pay for having fun lol..

but back to the basics.

745am This is now my wake up time. Exactly 15 min to get ready, and 15 min to walk Marley and make a protein shake lol. This was my beautiful baby this morning..

830am HALF OF A PROTEIN SHAKE, I gave the other half to my car. 1 scoop myofusion (nasty kind, DEF picking some good shit up today).  1/2 TBS Coconut Oil, and some c. shreds Ice and Water.

11am Snacked on 1/2 chicken breast and a CCCD Lara Bar.

and possibly some almonds.. look at all the fun stuff I got at Walgreens.. Seriously me with money is NOT good, especially because I need to go to GNC and I finally get to buy my MUSCLE EGGSSS!!! HELLLLLL YEAH! I need to get Glutamine and another jug of myofusion 🙂

The almonds are on sale for Buy 1 Get 1 Free 🙂 Like I said when I put the pic on instagram, careful they are ADDICTING!!!!

2pm Finishing 1/2 chicken breast and some more almonds. I will eat more later when I leave at 415ish

FINALLY FUCKING BOUGHT MUSCLE EGG!!!!!! HELLLLLL YEAH!! Cost me $75 but its chocolate EGG WHITES!!!

and then went to GNC after work and bought $55 worth of protein and a multi vitamin and 2 turbo teas 🙂 Picture will be in tomorrows blog.. 🙂

730pm

THE WORKOUT:

LEGGGSSSS FOR DAYYYYYYSSSS

Leg Press– Actually no.. I didn’t do leg press.. retard sally cakes thinks the gym is a playground and just chit chat BY the machine. Cool story bro.

Lunges– Only had 30lb DB in hand.. 2×20 reps=

100 TOTAL LUNGES!!

Squats– Went into studio for these.

15lb DB x 10 followed by
BW x 10

5 Min of Planks All supersetted. Sweating like a beast by now..

Leg Ext- Started with 135lbs lol. Maxxed out at 155lb.

Calf Raises 3×12 25lbs (my calves were cramping)

No cardio.

845pm Chipotle 🙂 Nuff said.

930pm Went to talk with a friend about a super big move that may take place soon 🙂 deets hopefully soon.

1130pm Had an AMAZING shake with the new products I got. Simply in LOVE with this flavor.

1/2c almond milk, almond butter, dymatize protein powder, a powder multi vitamin, ice and blend. So it sounds like its chocolate peanut butter but it has a WHOLE different taste, and its FANTASTIC 🙂

1145pm Went to update blog and my battery died.. So, sorry it’s just coming out now.. and I promise I wont go another week without updating lol.

Goodnight ❤

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