Tag Archives: Hope

Thinking thoughts on purpose. 

I am learning to give myself permission to become who I was meant to be. Because all this time I’ve been fighting myself, my own true worst enemy. And although the battle is yet to be over, I have found a new strength in me. With having faith and truly believing, THAT is what was key -MC

 …and that came out of no where. I haven’t written something that rhymed in forever. Nor was it meant to.. I was inspired to post so early this morning after I heard the best lesson of my life. It’s the first morning in two weeks that I didn’t need to set an alarm. Around 830am I turned the TV on. What made me click on Joel Osteen, I have no clue, but there was a reason I did. That service was meant for me. I cried majority of the time which was picked up in the background when I recorded the sermon, cute. But I was speechless. The title of this blog is a quote he said that will forever be embedded in me. I cannot live a positive life with a negative mind. There’s just no way around it. 

I am changing and it’s beautiful. 

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She too, grew.

There was a flower in her heart, it just needed more room to bloom. And when she let it free, she showed the world that sometimes the most beautiful things can grow in the darkest of places.

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Understanding the process.

You will get there when you are meant to get there and not a moment sooner. So relax, breathe, and be patient.

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2T 3:16; J 22:21

The peace that I give you transcends your intellect. When most of your mental energy goes into your efforts to figure things out, you are unable to receive this glorious gift. I look into your mind and see thoughts spinning round and round; going no where, accomplishing nothing. All the while, my peace hovers over you, searching for a place to land.

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Dear God,

I did not sleep well last night,
But I did wake up.
My muscles are sore,
But they work.
My wallet is not full,
But my belly is.
I may not have all I want,
But I have all I need.
My life is not perfect,
But my life is good.

Thank you!

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Inner peace and happiness is the true balance in life.

Well would you look at that? Second blog post in a row.. Actually I should delete that before I jinx myself again. HOWEVER!!!! Tomorrow I work from 3-6:30pm but going in around 12 to get a leg work out in. After that, I am going with the boy to the track till probably around midnight so no blog post tomorrow. I will update on Saturday though.

Today was short of a train wreck. The boy came over last night late so I pretty much said hello and passed out. Well, that is before I gave him my last strawberry shortcake skinny cow while I ate a handful of blueberries. I am telling you… I am going to STAY STRONG during these four weeks of no cheats. I do however, like today, had a kind bar which is keeping me sane. That, and Quest Bars. If you have never heard of them, I suggest you do yourself a favor and google that shit. They are by FAR amazing. I actually had a client today come over to my desk before a session while I was eating one and informed her about them. After our session, I ran up to the treadmills (Yup, doing cardio like a good client!!!), and gave her my last apple pie one. I didn’t mind. For some reason I am straight addicted to their brownie flavored ones. That is, till I try their new raspberry white chocolate one ;P

Anyways, side tracked like a mother.. So I woke up around 10am and went downstairs to eat something. I knew I was going to go back to bed for a bit and wanted to get something in me before I went hours with an empty stomach. I ate about 1/2c greek yogurt with more blueberries and made a piece of toast with PB on it for the boy and I. After a little while shit got nuts. I got crazy insecure and shit just escalated. I am just sick and tired of feeling how I feel lately. Things aren’t going well. Work is long and strenuous and I don’t get paid like I should. I am literally living paycheck to paycheck with no social life because I can’t afford it. Now I don’t mind per say because it usually affects training (going out for drinks or a movie.. I mean who can say no to a couple handfuls of butter with a side of popcorn?).. but the fact that I don’t even have a choice, is overwhelming. Outside of that, all I worry about is him and what he’s doing and who he’s talking too. Now I am one insecure bia and have always been but this.. this is just crazy. I WANT IT TO STOP! I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop thinking the thoughts I think. All of it. I want to pretend nothing ever happened in our relationship for me to feel like this. No, I am not putting all the blame on him, but it has definitely altered the way I view our relationship now. Time and time again I say how I want to change and how I will and yadda ya but every week its the same shit. I have contemplated talking to someone but I don’t have the time. I am literally on call for my clients and don’t feel its the right thing to do at the very moment. I have seen someone before and have taken psych classes… so I know the road they are going to take. I just need to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. Yes, I can go back and claim daddy issues for this shit but it’s not about that. Yes, I have a fear of being abandoned (more so dumped and cheated on) but because it’s how the story has always ended up to be. Not even that, he has put doubt in my head and although its been a year, time doesn’t always heal as fast as you would like it too. And trust me, I WANT IT TOO! But I will not allow my “home” issues to affect anymore of my life than it already has. I am just lucky that I have not chosen food to cope with my issues. That is a HUGE step for me. Although I have lacked in work outs (second day this week without a full work out), I’d rather lack in work outs and rest than fill my body with mass quantities of bullshit for an instant satisfaction that will only bring days of complete and utter disappointed. I am just going to pray. That’s it. Oh, and lift!

Well, after a few spurts of tears later, he left and I got ready for work. I made up a few meals and ate 4 slices of turkey bacon before I headed out (looked at the ingredients.. Um no thanks).

3:15pm Got to work
3:30pm Trained K. He had a kick ass work out ;P
Had 1/2 Kind bar and 1/2 Quest bar
4:00pm Trained H (had a good convo with her in between her rests to catch her breath)
4:30-5:30pm Had a break because one of my clients cancelled.
5:30pm HM asked me if I wanted to train arms with C and him and I agreed but only had 30 minutes till my next apt.
Ate 1/2c brown rice with 99% FF ground turkey. Cold. Awesome. Not.
6:00-9pm More clients.
In between those clients I ate some more chicken. Also had some almonds and the rest of the kind and quest bar.

On my way home around 9:45pm I ate another 1/2c greek yogurt with.. you guessed it, blueberries. I stopped at jewel for a few items. I mean it was late, but chicken was on sale for $1.99 a pound. LOL

It is currently 11:42pm and I will have, most likely, more greek yogurt and……STRAWBERRIES??? haha.. maybe blueberries. I don’t care about eating fruit at night. I would rather that than a fantastic tasting chocolate bar. From now until 2-3 months, you will see fruit in my diet just about every meal of the day. Yes, it’s sugar but I stay active and until I need to cut, bring it on!

Okay okay.. so as the pictures were uploading I went downstairs and got some. Darn these blueberries!

Okay okay.. so as the pictures were uploading I went downstairs and got some. Darn these blueberries!

Here, I have chicken, ground turkey (UGH! 99% FF is $2 more than 80/20 fml), greek yogurt, bananas, strawberries, blueberries (LOL) and carrots. I bought the carrots for the track tomorrow because all I will be doing is smelling burnt rubber and funnel stix (FML). SERIOUSLY HEAD STRONG! I can do this!!!!!

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I would be by the PB aisle..

So after my little 20 minute arm work out, that was the most I did working out today. I was not feeling up to it. Besides, my whole body is sore. Although I do miss it, I did a little arm work out at home and took this progress picture of my shoulders again. I am so excited for the changes that are going to come.

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Other than that, that sums up my day. Nothing TOO crazy might I add. Tomorrow should be exciting though. I am looking forward to this new positive attitude that I am trying out. I mean.. I am staying positive that I’ll be able to stay positive. Hmmm..

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Treading water just to stay afloat.

Finally writing, updating my life ventures via the internet. I have a couple hours to spare so, why not?

Once again, and for the last what? 2-3 posts, I am still overwhelmed. I am getting underpaid for overworking and sooner rather than later, I think it is going to catch up to me. Knowing this, I have been praying, crying, over thinking and panicking about my life situation at the moment. Is all that healthy? no.. but it at least it has me attempting to get the ball moving, to get proactive. I cant just wait around anymore. I cant just sit on an idea, a dream and just exist in the world. Where is that going to get me? Where HAS it gotten me? No where fast, no where worth being proud about that’s for sure.

I have been through a lot in my life and it has lead me to have a world full of insecurities affecting EVERYTHING in my life. Each day its different. One day I feel accomplished, the next unmotivated and taken advantage of. Its not fair to be constantly in turmoil, to be anxious and stressed. I NEED to do something about it, not just blog about it and one day hope to God that things change. I HAVE TO CHANGE THEM MYSELF.

So this post seems to be spiraling down the depressed path that it usually does, however, it was inspired by moments of truth.

I have recently taken up a new client and after spending many hours with him, helping inspiring training him, I have come to gain a rather special person in my life. One that has offered to lend a helping hand, only to have known me for a week or so. Not many people in this world have good intentions, fuck most wont even hold the door open for you so what has transpired has literally had me in tears. I don’t want to go much into detail about it because it could jeopardize a lot of things in my life and at the moment I don’t have much to fall back on, so I will keep it short and sweet.

In the last few weeks, I have opened my eyes and my mind to the bigger picture that I want to see in my near future. Something that I want to reach for, a dream I would love to see come true, something I plan on working very hard for. Something like this, especially for me has come with many insecurities like I mentioned earlier. Whether its because I don’t believe in myself or any other reason, it has deterred me from being successful in the past. I have always just done my part, doing what was expected of me and evidently been taken advantage of which led to burning out quickly. Although I was in the field that I wanted to be in, started my career at 19 years old, I gave it up for a boy. Something that I do infact regret, but will forever have learned an important lesson. I will live my life for me. Any and everyone else should just compliment it, not trouble it. I can’t depend on anyone but myself and will keep on fighting to stay afloat. However that doesnt mean I dont have a great support system, because as of lately I have really been blessed with a great (and growing) one.

This client of mine, who again barely knows me, spent an hour on the phone with me the other day. Talking about how he knows and feels how passionate I am about what I am doing. How I NEED to start thinking for myself and being proactive about broadening my horizons, shooting for something bigger than just the bare minimum. I mean, what AM I WAITING FOR? To win the lottery? That one special break in a career? Someone to do all the work and I just take credit for it? I don’t know.. fuck it could be anything considering I have waited this long to finally get my head out of my ass. He told me that I have something in me that many people don’t and that I need to use it to the best of my ability. We got some ideas rolling and with the help of him and my Wellness Coaching instructor, I am very close to finishing up the brainstorming process and moving forward with this idea. I cannot tell you how truly AMAZING it is, to have people believe in you.. Other than family and friends, having strangers take time out of their lives to tell you that they support you is a phenomal feeling. Like for instant, I was checking my facebook messages earlier and here is what a fellow fb friend wrote:

hey, i just wanted to say that i just read some of your blog, as well as i enjoy reading your posts on Facebook. You definitely should start your own business, you know what your talking about and you have people skills to get the job done, but keep up the good work at work as well on the blog!

PS it would be cool if you could start a little podcast thing and just talk for an hour or so every so often instead of writing everything down.

Insert instant smile here.

It’s an unbelievable feeling and again, I feel so blessed.

After finishing up talking with this client he mentioned (said a disclaimer before lol) that I am “too pretty to be bitter”. It hit me right in the heart because its true. Not so much the too pretty part (lol.. insecure much?) but the bitter part. There are many things in my life that I wish to gain control of before I go on this rollercoaster of a ride idea of mine and hope that everyday I get a little bit stronger. Physically (obviously :P) but mentally, emotionally because as far as I can tell I havent even broke the surface regarding those two aspects of my life. For example last night,.. I tried breaking up with the love of my life (again). I felt I was putting too much time and effort into him and not into myself (like I did prior with another guy). Something that I promised to myself that I would NEVER do again. I have had anxiety for awhile now in regards to (well just about everythung in my life) but more so in my relationship with him. Although he is be far THEE best guy I have EVER dated, I can’t be selfish and hold onto something that could possibly benefit form me parting from. There are alot of things that have happened that has broken trust, but nothing that can’t be fixed. I just don’t think it has been lately, even attempted really. I think its that mentatlity that time heals everything or something because I feel just stuck overthinking (EVERYTHING). Although I am loved and adored yadda ya I still feel lonely. I feel caught up in a world where it doesnt matter if you fail or succeed. A world where good people are hard to come by.

I am afraid of the future for what it will or will not bring. I am constantly overwhelmed over everything I have no control over. I know what I do wrong, how I am and how I act, yet I do nothing about it thinking someday it will all change and be better. LOL. aint that something. Its literally like some (yes some, more than one) clients thinking eating a Whopper before working out with me is a good idea. You know its not, yet you keep eating shitty getting the same results hoping one day the good will outweigh the bad and life will be happily every after once and for all.

Hmm.. if only that’s how it worked. Instead you must work hard and believe even harder. Having faith in the unknown is one of the most difficult things we will face in the world today but something that will keep your mind body and spirit striving to be better each day forward.

Well I guess I really didn’t keep that short, but I laughed when I wrote that anyways. Hoping to post up progress pictures some time in the near future (but uploading on this gay macbook is difficult) but until then, enjoy all my random ass blog posts.

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Saturday 27/83 (2/2)

Haven’t posted much because nothing much is new.

Still working at my shitty job. Practically paying to work there. Things are in the works and I pray to God for every door that he has opened for me recently.

The boy and I are doing good. Rolling with the punches I would say. Mostly because I am still insecure as FUCK but working on it everyday. Luckily he is a great man and just as most guys would say, putting up with it. I have been bitching at him lately because of his drinking. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal but needs to know that not only am I not about that “life” but I also come from an alcoholic background. He isn’t binge drinking like lets say, some of his friends are but I also have never been with someone who casually drinks as much as he does. I just want him to be careful, that’s all. That and well…. I don’t trust many people’s decisions when they are under the influence and I will leave it at that.
In regards to training, I am still going strong. I just started to add cardio in my schedule because I hit the 8 week mark just yesterday. I am getting  a bit nervous but have to realize that its a solid 2 months away. A lot can be done in that amount of time. I just have to use it wisely. About 3 or 4 days ago, I did deadlifts for the first time in a while. About 2 days after that workout I was so sore. The next day, even worse. Now, don’t get me wrong I KNOW how being sore  but this felt like I was tearing things whenever I bent down. It was BAD. Now, I am all better and still going as hard as I can.

My diet has still consisted of brown rice, oatmeal, whole wheat pastas and the occasional fiber tortilla (I use for morning wraps of eggs and ground turkey). Eggs, ground turkey, chicken and protein powders. I also still have some fruit in my diet. I won’t take anything out just yet, but relying on the added cardio to lose a little bit of weight. I want to “preserve” any muscle I have for the time being.

In about 2-3 weeks, I will add more cardio and take out fruits and possibly lower the amount of carbs I am currently eating. I just hope I can keep my ass. It really is THAT important.

Everything else in my life, seems to be looking up. I haven’t binged like I have in past contest preps which I find is extremely amazing. I think it’s because if I want something, I have it. It’s as simple as that. Thinking of writing a blog post about cheat meals. I truly think its important to live a little, especially when you are not dieting for a show.

Hope all is well.

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Monday 1/83

So yesterday marked the first day of my contest prep, and let me tell you I was a little disappointed.

Slept at the boyfriends on Sunday so it gave me almost an entire hour of extra sleep (I live far from work), so that was nice. Ultimately went about my day as usual as any other. I didn’t eat as much as I would of liked (for some reason my appetite hasn’t been “normal” lately. Going on 2 weeks of being sick), but was still able to consume enough calories to work out.

3 cuttie oranges (idc about fruit sugar this early in prep)
1/2 quest bar
2 chicken breasts with broccoli
1 piece of WW bread with PB
1/2-1c cottage cheese

I got home around 6 and relaxed a bit for an hour and 1/2. Well.. before I got dressed to head out my boyfriend called and said he was going to a bar. Then my friend “forgot” to call me back (when all I wanted to do was just talk to her. I get in weird moods and we play phone tag sometimes but for some reason I just wanted someone to talk to). Checks in @ Xsport with her friend, then at Buffalo Wild Wings with another and apologizes she didn’t call. Well for some reason all this kind of irked me.

Regardless, I headed to the gym and arrived around 7:45pm. I started doing my thing and I could feel my emotions arise. This wasn’t good, but I wasn’t stopping. Instead I started getting more pissed. Pissed at the situations, then pissed at myself for not pushing thru. Well I “gave up” around 8:10.. I just threw in the towel. I walked my sorry ass upstairs to the cardio section and hopped on the treadmill. I finished 45 minutes but that was the end of that work out.

I headed home, ate my meal and got in bed in time for the new Catfish show around 10pm. I was disappointed but at least got something in, even if it wasn’t how I expected my first work out back in 2 weeks.

Laying in bed creeping facebook and instagram, my boyfriend tried calling a couple times, as did Ashley. I ignored both and just wanted to be “alone”. I ended up calling my boyfriend back (and texting Ashley), because as much as I was in my own world I love him dearly. We talked a bit and he wanted me to talk things out with him but the last thing I wanted to do was go back to the reasons I was upset.

That lasted shortly. Something else came up that sparked my insecurities and I just balled. He then continued to tell me how much he loves and adores me but the tears kept falling.

Listen, me telling you I am insecure as fuck doesn’t even scratch the surface. Yes, he has done some things that haven’t made it easy but most of those things wouldn’t of been a problem had I been secure. I just cried. I told him I don’t know if things are going to change, if I am going to change but I know I can’t live like this. It hurts so much, and again… doing this to myself.

HE LOVES ME. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM!??!?!??!?!?! I have never been with someone like him, someone who doesn’t mind reminding me why they love me or how much they love me. When it all comes down to it, it’s me.

..and I don’t know what to do, or if there is anything I can do. Will I be like this forever? All I know is that I love this man so much. So much that any attention he puts out to another human, I am envious of. It’s sick and I am embarrassed.

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“When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. “

Haven’t written lately. Mostly because nothing new has transpired. Pretty sure that’s an even split of good and bad. Not sure how well I could stand a few more things go wrong.

I have been hanging in there though. Taking everything with ease. Again, so thankful for the support group I have because without them staying positive would be hell. Been a week of clean eating. I had a slip up last night which ended in passing out early as fuck. Not beating myself is goal number one. I will however try a little harder in the gym tonight. Speaking of the gym, went 3 times this work week which is stellar for me right now. When I am there though, I feel so fucking good (Except when I see a bad ass body I’m super jealous about of course lol) <– which that sometimes has a reverse affect on my motivation. Sometimes I get so caught up and impatient that it makes me hate how I feel that I look like. But that’s where Ashley comes in.. I’ll text her every thing I’m feeling any point of the day and shes always there just reminding me that I’ll get there. and I KNOW I’ll get there its just hard dealing with the consequences of enjoying life how I have been. But again, everything will be okay.

I wish I was a little more organized with this blog thing. Writing out my daily scheduled eating, what work outs I complete, cool website finds, amazing products I stumble upon.. Thinking my resolution will be to improve this blog. Really go further into my life, a little more detailed. I think that I can really start helping people out. It’s nice when things are a simple read but very informative. I have a lot to teach, and love helping people with that step closer to self love.. real inner happiness..

Life with the boyfriend is fantastic. We have been growing closer and closer and it feels so good, so with the holidays coming I couldn’t be happier. I am going to enjoy thanksgiving and Christmas without a care in the world.

I really am starting to understand what it takes. I need a month or two to really get the lean look I am looking for. If I’m not lean, I’m not happy and it takes A LOT of dedication to stay lean year round. Again, another resolution.

Shane from my ig and fb messaged me last night or the night before and this is how the conversation went:

Shane Riley

How do you balance it all? School, gym, boyfriend, work..I mean it seems like you have a crazy busy life how do you do it all

Marissa Marie

I really dont. I have ass everything. I get in phases though.. Like before no bf I competed bc I really didn’t have anything else to do bc I wasn’t personal training anymore then got a bf and he takes a lot of my time but I don’t mind I do when I beat myself up over not always being stage ready but I have to learn how to love myself stage ready and a little less lean. I feel like I have an uncomfortable limit. Like I let myself go for a bit but now it’s time to start killing it. Idk if think maybe THAT’S my “balance”.. Staying lean is hard and sometimes I don’t always make that time.. I do what I want when I want. Sometimes I wish I was smarter at times bc if I did find a legit “balance” I could juggle things in life.. Then again idk if I like juggling. I like living life as is

Shane

That makes sense.. I just needed perspective from somebody else that’s been through this cuz I feel like I can’t rly find a balance either

Marissa Marie

you just have to do what you want whenever you want. workout when you want to you know the benefits of doing it and not doing it. its all up to you. I just cant be happy being fat.. so i push my limits and go from there. most people have a lot going for them magazines cover shoots ext so its easier for them to constantly be working out because technically their getting paid for it. .. me on the other hand have life throwing curve balls every which way i turn.. I just know that in the end I have to do what makes me happy. If i want to eat like shit let me eat like shit.. ill deal with it later.. if i want to skip a workout to go to a movie ok.. if i want to sleep fuck it.. im not beating myself up any more.. im just lucky because i like the process of turning my body into a machine so when I start I keep going till I hit a high then i find myself enjoying life more instead of inside the gym walls.

Shane

How come you stopped being a personal trainer?

Marissa Marie

I quit because of a now ex boyfriend. Worst decision of my life.

Shane

How come you don’t do it again?


4:03pm
Marissa Marie
I do sometimes on the side but a I don’t want to work for someone sometimes it’s more about $$$ and I don’t believe in that 2 I’m trying to focus on school 3 idk. Not gonna lie idk

I don’t know how to balance it all.. that’s my problem. I beat myself up one day, it grows into two or three days.. I get fed up feeling disgusted with myself then become obsessed with eating clean and lifting till I look how I want.. or till I get depressed and feed my emotions with sugar and lots of it and oh hey look! were back at square one.  It’s literally a vicious cycle..one in which every day I am learning different ways to cope and hopefully end it one day.

About the whole personal training issue…I had once dated thee ultimate douche. Made me quit my job move in change numbers watch my every mood type thing which obviously meant quiting my job (personal trainer) and it was the worst decision I ever made in my life. It was the best job, making great money doing what I love. I don’t know what I was thinking. Things were rough at that time but I thought it was the right thing to do.  Afterall he was the GM of the same franchise what could go wrong. Ohhh.. lol. what didn’t? Anywho it was what it was. I learned more life lessons then just losing a job..I can be a personal trainer anywhere. I don’t feel too bad about it though because in the end I don’t want to work for a company. They think WAY too much about the money and getting peoples money than results and changing peoples life. Like for example my boss would ask me how many resigns I had that month and although I met my “goals” every time , I never got to tell her how many lifes I’ve helped change and that was the true goal. It’s just my philosophy on the matter.. so everyones right,  I suppose I could just go out and train people like I use too but I am not ready for that. I will be, just not yet. I want to continue my education in the wellness field and hopefully become an actually coach (not JUST a personal trainer, something more) for everyone looking for help out there. Until then I myself  am finding myself more and more everyday and although it is a struggle, I’m in it for the long run.

Don’t have much planned for the weekend. I do however want sushi BAD so that’s my only criteria for Saturday or Sunday lol. I do plan on getting a couple workouts in because it really does make me feel like I got this.

Leaving you with a recipe from Chocolate Covered Katie that I am SUPER stoked about. My mom always makes apple crisp and so I know whats in it lol (definitely not the healthiest) but I WILL enjoy some on Turkey Day, but until then this simple recipe will def leave my taste buds satisfied.

Single-Lady Apple Crumble

(can be gluten-free)

  • 1 medium-sized apple, diced small
  • 1/8 tsp salt
  • 2 tbsp milk of choice
  • 1/2 tsp apple pie spice (you can probably sub cinnamon)
  • 1 stevia packet or 1-2 tbsp sugar or sucanat
  • optional add-ins: walnuts, raisins, etc.
  • 3 tbsp quick oats (15g) (For substitution notes, see nutrition link below.)
  • 2 tsp oat flour (or another flour of choice) (4g)
  • 1 tbsp oil or butter-type spread (such as Smart Balance Light or Earth Balance) (15g) (For a fat-free substitution, see “nutrition facts” link below.)

Preheat oven to 350 F and grease an oven-safe 2-cup dish. In a small mixing bowl, combine first five ingredients (and optional add-ins, if desired). Stir well. In a separate mixing bowl, combine remaining three ingredients and stir well. Now mix everything together and pour into the greased dish. (If you like a more-crumbly crumble, increase the amounts of the last three ingredients.) Bake 40 minutes (in the middle of the oven, not the very top), then turn the oven to high-broil for 2-3 minutes. Turn off heat, but let sit in oven 15 more minutes.

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