Tag Archives: I love you

Change is good, no?

I hate time.

I really do.. I hate that it runs out, that its never guaranteed, and more often than not a pain in the ass to wait for.

Actually.. its always a pain in the ass to wait for. Birthdays, Christmas, starting over after a binge, can never come soon enough!

Now that was actually a pretty lame way to starting this post, mostly because I have about 420 people talking to me and always lose my train of thought every time the phone rings (this is why I need wifi at home). I really didn’t even have much to write about, even pertaining to the introduction of this post but I think its because I cheated HARD this weekend (with the boyfriend, OF COURSE) and know that its going to take a solid week to get back to where I was.. (this is a hard pill for me to swallow. The hardest part about getting to where I want to be is time. I need to be patient and understand that yes the few workouts I do will be my body getting back into things but as long as I keep going I will be one day closer than I was. I need to EMBRACE this not use it as another excuse to binge and skip workouts) 😦 BUT!! not only did I cheat this weekend but I messed up my back last Thursday. I have a feeling of what exercise did it but it didn’t hurt till a few hours later when I got to my boyfriends house. It was a BAD pain that shot down around my lower spine. I ended up getting teary eyed (one because I am gay and always cry, but two because it actually really fucking hurt! Your back is EVERYTHING and having a messed up back would sure as FUCK ruin any lifting goals I may or may not have had) but I was able to fall asleep and stay asleep which is nice. It hurt the next day but seemed to be getting better the next days after that (thank you God!).. Haven’t been to the gym since.

Hmmph.

Mostly because I didn’t want to ruin it any progress being made (better to take precaution before its too late), but mostly because I am one lazy s.o.b.. however lately I have been really going hard (probably the cause of my back pain), and eating clean because of the progress I have been seeing (throw that out the window since this past weekend.. oh brother).. but will definitely be continuing that tonight after work. I really want this and I plan on proving just that. The first two solid weeks I am going to lie low for a bit, getting into the gym around 90 min a day, but after xmas I want to start getting up early and doing cardio. I want to really kick some ass.

I have also been wanting to make some minor changes in my life. I want to quit this job and be in the field that I enjoy, one that brings true happiness. I think that’s my start. My boyfriend is leaving soon and as PROUD as I am for him I am jealous that I continue to allow myself to work here. I don’t want to rush and I don’t want to settle (like I did in the first place) but I know that I can’t stay here for long. The shit this place does to you mentally and emotionally is beyond fucked up. BUT that is another story. I am super stoked for the boyfriend to make this change as it will be 10x better for him. He will be much happier, busier, and will be treated like they give a damn. He does great work and I think its time he starts getting paid what he deserves.. so kudos to you baby && yes, we all know I will be super upset the day that it comes (yes we work together), but I couldn’t be happier for him.

Another minor thing is I want to be more organized (food wise, workouts, life in general). I used to be known as the clean one, the one that always had her shit together. Now.. not so much. I think I have a small case of the ADD’s.. No joke.. My car is always a fucking pig sty my room is never that much better. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?? So obviously I am a little upset about this and WILL be proactive so one day I can relieve some of the stress that comes along with being a fucking mess.

The last thing, which is most important, is working on myself. Obviously this blog is steered in that direction but even so it doesn’t truly make a difference. What I want to do is too FOCUS. I tend to over think about everything in my life and I think this is where I come too dependent on Mike. I spend all this time focusing on him and us that I forget about myself sometimes. I want to go back to when it was easy, I mean it still is but being with someone, someone I truly adore, does make life a little more interesting to say the least 😉 We have fun though and always enjoy each others company so I suppose I need to take the good with the bad (or just find a balance. The damn mystery of life).

Long story short, I just need to take the time out and just breathe. Everything in my life is great and if it isn’t its no ones fault but my own.  Starting today I want to take responsibility for my actions and really start owning up to them. I have so much potential that I am wasting away by worrying (which is getting me no where). I want to give 100% trust back to my boyfriend and enjoy the time we have together. I want to get focused and organized for my own well being.. but I also want to appreciate the life I do live because I’m here, alive and well.

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Love is making me crazy (& its all my fault)!

I’m insecure as fuck and it’s messing with my head. For some reason, I am potentially jeopardizing my relationship with Mike because of this.

Now let me begin. We haven’t had the easiest relationship and he’s slipped up a bit, regardless I’m still standing by his side. However.. it’s become rather difficult.. I feel any beautiful woman who walks down the street is going to catch my boyfriends attention and it’s all down hill from there (told you I was insecure). I’m scared of him moving jobs so I can’t “monitor” him 40 hours of the week. Now that sounds horrible however it’s kinda the truth (though I did just make myself look like the worlds worst girlfriend, I promise I’m not!) . 3 out of the 4 fights we have had have been saved because we work together (we are/were spoiled) meaning, I don’t doubt that had we worked separately we wouldn’t be together today. But we are..

&& he is by far the best boyfriend I have ever had. He’s the one I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. We joke about it but it’s true.. I want to start a family with him and watch it grow with endless amounts of love.. He is so special that I think this is why I’m having a hard time.. Why I’m having anxiety about our relationship in the next coming of months.. I’m scared. Truth be told I’m scared out my damn mind. But things DO change and I need to mentally prepare myself for this.. I get so worked up because I know how it is from a girls perspective.. No one cares anymore.. I’m in love and I’m pretty sure someone greedy enough to try to come in between that IS in fact possible.. But it takes two to tango doesn’t it? That’s what I need to remember  because not only does he tells me everyday how beautiful I am and how he wants to grow old with me, but how I am a “catch” (never been told that) and how he doesn’t want or need anyone else.. Now that may sound all goody gum drop to one, but sometimes actions speak louder than words..

(Just saying..)

But regardless when I get my body back and my tan on and my nails did and whatever else I think I need to do in order to be “happy”, it still won’t change that life doesn’t go as planned. I can’t change if my boyfriend leaves me, I can’t ponder on the what ifs because that’s a waste of time.. And it’s time that I’m not guaranteed to have. All I know is that my insecurities are affecting my relationship right now but  so very blessed that he is at least trying to help and work on them with me.. That’s what I have to be thankful for,  not the what ifs and the negative bullshit that’s been clouding my mind for days now. I have to focus on me and growing as a person,  not grow to be dependent on anyone but myself, but to really cherish the good times I have with people.

Whatever happens next is going to happen regardless of what I want.. I have to grasp the concept of everything turning out okay in the end. I really truly believe that.

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I am staying strong for once.

I have been having anxiety lately.

From the shower, to today at work and I am praying that inside I’ll feel okay. Because in my heart, I know it will be.

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It’s about that time..

So I haven’t been to the gym in 3 days. Besides all the excuses, I think mentally its okay.

Okay.. not “okay”, but something I can get passed. The extra weight I am carrying, does put a burden on my every day life.. mood.. attitude.. just about everything that consumes me on a daily basis.. however I am taking this and using it for the better. I am slowly piecing my life together, one day at a time.

I am dedicating the next 6 weeks to see how hard I can push myself. No cheats for 2 weeks. Just a ball to the wall type attitude. I know I can do this, so I will patiently wait to say I did it 🙂

This past weekend was fun though. Spent time with the boy, went to dinner and got cupcakes (something we had planned to do for awhile now).. I took the dogs to the park and they had a great time. Marley on our second trip around just decided to lay down randomly because she was tired (or hot, it was beautiful out though), but she kept truckin like a good girl! I managed to knock out 200 lunges.. randomly.. just lunging away while I walked my doggies haha.. Ohhhh a sight to see.

Here are some pictures from this weekend:

As you can see, its pretty much all the food I ate. LMAO. Ugh.. def feeling it now. Actually feeling it so much that it doesn’t even appeal to me anymore (I mean it would if the situation arise, but so far I NEED to stick with this). I know my boyfriend is 100% supportive, as my mother and what not but I still find excuses to sleep rather go to the gym first. I am though, finding different ways to boost my energy that I seem to be lacking each and every day, but I am working on it. For this week, I want to focus on my eating and getting a work out in each day. After this week, I will be doing 2 a days just to knock them out. I am hoping that waking up early and getting a kick start to my day will benefit me (okay i know it will benefit me, but really? How awesome is sleeping in a bed?.. okay not as awesome as looking in the mirror and cheesing but a close second).
So.. with all this being said, my excuses have taken a toll and I am ready to give it 100% again.

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I needed this..

“Sometimes the best thing that you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess, just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.”

This is how today went (9/10)..

Mom had surgery on her foot not too long ago.. friday I believe. So she is a little crippled at the moment. No big deal.. except my mom gets flustered and cranky at the drop of a dime.. which I do too so I know how it feels/goes… So she must have been in one of her little moods and started talking about getting rid of my dog Marley.. for the second fucking time might I add. I had to get rid of her once because we moved.. took her back because she wasnt getting along with the other dog. A few weeks went by and my mom told me I really had to get rid of her, so I had an ex bf help me out and we found a home for her. I wasnt happy and it hurt every day I didn’t have her but I needed to do what I needed to do. I was put in a position that I really didn’t have a choice in so, so be it.  I think maybe a month went by and she came into my room crying, telling me I need to get Marley back. So I did. Now fast forward a few more months and were back to today.. Now Marley is a lot to handle. She gets overly excited and wants to be up in everyone’s grill. I personally love it, but not everyone loves the smell of dog breath. Well with that being said, my mom told me that she thinks I need to get rid of her.. so while I am trying to get ready in the morning she’s pretty much picking a fight with me. I stopped talking, made my protein shake and left.

On my way to work, radio turned off like I have been doing for some weird ass reason, I sit and think. I have about 45 min dedicated to me over analyzing every possible situation in my life. 45 minutes to dwell on everything that’s going wrong.. 45 minutes to sit on the pity pot..but this time.. I had 45 minutes of prayer. I literally grab the steering wheel and just talked to God. I pray for mom a lot, but lately I’ve been so selfish it’s about me and what I need.. like faith. I need to put more faith in the unknown. I need to realize that worrying really has no purpose in life and the only thing that holds me together is that everything will be okay. I literally remind myself of this constantly.. repeating it over and over…. so meanwhile I am doing my thing, talking to God, and a tear managed to escape from my eye no matter how hard I tried to stop it. I quickly wiped it from my face and kept driving like nothing ever happened..
..Work was a little different today. One of the dudes that has been there for quite some time, put his two weeks in. Via email. Like a bitch. Sorry.. but if you met this dude, you would wish you didn’t. I’m sorry Eric.. if you ever read this for some bizarre fucked up reason, know that you need to learn how to become a better person. Youre vindictive and manipulative and you hurt so many people along the way. I honestly never understand why people do the things they do.. no conscience? no soul? to each their fucking own, but leave me the fuck out of it. So yeah, that’s been kind of the big talk around the shop lately.. Everyone is pretty stoked. Him leaving is best for everyone.
Amen.
Ate pretty good today. Had my morning protein shake, brought Greek yogurt, a banana, whole wheat pasta, and my leftovers from last nights dinner with the boy.

My Meals for the Day:

Lunch 🙂

At around 530 or so (I get off at 5, boy gets off at 6), I hung around for a bit. The boy and I started talking, and like it always does with my big ass mouth, gets kind of escalated to where I just walk away. The emotions that over come me.. would drop jaws. So I turned and walked away and he called for me back, telling me how unfair it was that I got to speak but how I am just bailing on him, giving him no opportunity to explain himself. So I walked back, he was right, so I took a couple of breaths and just stood there. We talked a little more and then got interrupted (we usually always do.. they like to tease us now that they know were together lol).. And so a few of us stood around and talked (mostly with Eric about him leaving and how much of a “piece of shit” Ron is), and I happened to open my mouth one too many times. It was awkward..luckily I saved my self those couple of times and no one caught on..after the 4th fucked up thing I said I had to excuse myself. I got into my car and dipped. About 500ft later, I see a text from the boy asking me to say for a second. I reversed all the way back into the parking lot and waited for him. He talked some more.. he explained himself and we continued to talk. It’s exactly what I needed. I have been so fucking consumed by our relationship that its been eating me alive. All I think about is one day waking up and him telling me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, or he’s found someone else, or cheated on me, or even WORSE getting back with his bitch of an ex (sorry lisa if YOU ever read this for some bizarre fucked up reason, you’re a straight mean fucking person).. phew.. anywho.. it’s been all i’ve been thinking about lately.. but I have been trying to tell myself that I don’t need this. I’ve been trying to coach myself into telling him that were better off as friends, but realized I might as well wait it out.

So after a shit load of tears literally escaped.. I’m not kidding.. we were laughing at me crying because it just wouldn’t stop. I kept choking up. This man is like no one I have ever had in my life before. He is truly amazing in every way and I get giddy inside when I look at him knowing he’s all mine. Knowing I have his heart.. knowing were in love with each other. I’m not going to say love is hard (because when its true love, it’s not something you have to try at.. hold me to this.. you work together but there’s no “hey im trying to love you” bullshit).. but staying on the same page has been for us, and that’s all I ever wanted.. was to be on the same page. I don’t want to be in a relationship that someones in just because.. I don’t want to go thru another heartbreak any time soon. I know I’ll be okay, and “it” will be okay, but heartbreak really is like losing a loved one (like my last post).. it hurts the soul, it hurts to breath…
..but it happens.. and most of the time you get over it.
Regardless.. I still want to give us my all. All I needed was this talk. I needed to hear you say that you want to be with me. I needed to hear you say that it’s all okay and will be okay. I needed the reassurance.. I needed the kiss at the end that made me feel loved.. I even needed the tears that fell down my face..
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