Tag Archives: Lessons


I can’t seem to get the words out. I keep erasing shit.

5th time now.

I have a lot on my mind. 6th time.

7th time. I don’t know. Came back from Wisconsin with the boy and his father and it wasn’t as awkward as I expected. 8th. The language barrier issue wasn’t really bothersome. I love his family and I want that to be known, but sometimes its hard not understanding the language they speak. I feel rude and disrespectful, more so left out 😦 But it is what it is and I am slowly learning to deal with things without making an issue first. However, I have to say that even if I do get mad I have like a rebound rate of like 60sec-60min lol. So, it could always be worse!


Came back friday night, with only one day of fishing. The boy and I slept in till 2pm on friday and his dad got to pissed to go out that late so we just went home. I was down to just drill a hole and fish standing up lol but I think it was his mom’s birthday party that night. As long as he wasn’t too upset, I was alright. Got home and the next night went to the boys work party. I knew most of the people there so it was nice to see them again. However I suck at life and got a super sickening feeling in my gut. As soon as I turn and look some chick is starring me down like we had prior beef type shit. I turn to him and ask him if she worked with him, and he said yes. Like, wtf. I don’t know. I instantly flipped. We got a table to ourselves and I told him I wanted to leave. I wanted to go, he was more than welcome to stay but I couldn’t be in that situation. He told me I have nothing to worry about but I mean come on. I’m secure as fuck, you’ve put me thru some bs before, and she was the only person I wasn’t introduced too. Just all too much to handle sometimes. I may “overreact” but I am simply just explaining my feelings. They are sudden and uncontrollable as far as I know. Trust me, I don’t want to keep feeling like this! What it boils down to, in regards to porn, checking out another chick, awkward stares in front of your girlfriend, I am just jealous of the attention given. All I want is you in like a little fucking bubble. No, NO ONE! lmfao!! Creep fucking status right here.

I just needed a little more time to build this trust then I was given. I was just thrown into a different situation, all too fast, and told to just, “trust”.

Holy shit.

and its like I can’t even explain the feelings I have because they wouldn’t make sense. I try to explain and I just end up babbling. So I just randomly stop and say never mind. Or I get embarrassed that I’m talking so much and leave the other person speechless. Like all I do is talk about his and I’s relationship. Yes, I could probably validate them somehow, blame it on daddy issues or something but I don’t care for that bullshit. I just want to know how I can control them, how I can live with them if all else fails. Having little trust, less communication, and more distance, yea I don’t really think that sounds like the recipe for success in anything really, let alone a relationship… I just can’t fucking grip this simple concept of having faith, accepting the idea that everything will happen regardless of my actions, thoughts or feelings.

That I simply, have z e r o control outside of myself.

So why not work on me? Why not dedicate the time that I spend on worrying on actually doing something good for myself? From working out consistently and meeting my goals, to continuing my education so I can feel secure as a woman not needing the dependency from others. Why not focus on what I AM doing, how I AM feeling? Why not put myself first?

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So instead of my rants and raves I’ve decided to actually write something worth reading.. something a lot of people are wondering about.. something a lot of people don’t understand. Carbohydrates.

The reason for this post was because of last nights creep session. I was scrolling thru my instagram feed and saw a post a girl wrote and in the comments she wrote about how she stops eating carbs after 3pm and to stay away from bananas. Now.. let one thing be clear, we are ALL different and so are our bodies. So yes, what may be good for me may not be good for you. With that being said, all I want to do is enlighten one regarding carbohydrates.

A few years ago when I started personal training, I instantly began to research and ask questions. Everything from a training routine to different diets. Obviously Google is one of my best friends, but everything you read on the internet isn’t always entirely true and can be very misleading. However, any information was better than no information. So I took to researching, writing and printing all the information I found that would be useful. At this point I started training for my first bikini contest. I decided to do it on my own with no trainer like they suggest. I figured I had this shit down. Little did I know.. that I knew very little.

The closer I got to the show, the less foods I was “told” to consume. Carrots, for example, became off-limits and I started forming really bad habits. I barely ate carbs and consumed about double the recommended protein for my body weight. I worked out 6 days a week and was up to 90 minutes of cardio everyday. I was moody, tired, and my work outs began slacking. I was always used to forbidding food (I was anorexic at one time, turned into bulimia and then binge eating after my first competition), so categorizing foods as good and bad was nothing new.

It wasn’t until my second contest prep where I sought the help of a new found figure competitor at the gym I was working at. She tried explaining that in order to “grow” I needed these good carbs. Good Carbs? There is such a thing? Yes, yes there is.

Don’t be misled by fad diets that make blanket pronouncements on the dangers of carbohydrates. They provide the body with fuel it needs for physical activity and for proper organ function, and they are an important part of a healthy diet. But some kinds of carbohydrates are far better than others.

Choose the best sources of carbohydrates—whole grains (the less processed, the better), vegetables, fruits and beans—since they promote good health by delivering vitamins, minerals, fiber, and a host of important phytonutrients.  Skip the easily digested refined carbohydrates from refined grains—white bread, white rice, and the like— as well as pastries, sugared sodas, and other highly processed foods, since these may contribute to weight gain, interfere with weight loss, and promote diabetes and heart disease.

Not all carbohydrates are created equal and there is a glycemic index (please google) for that:

The glycemic index, or glycaemic index, (GI) provides a measure of how quickly blood sugar levels (i.e. levels of glucose in the blood) rise after eating a particular type of food. The effects that different foods have on blood sugar levels vary considerably. The glycemic index estimates how much each gram of available carbohydrate (total carbohydrate minus fiber) in a food raises a person’s blood glucose level following consumption of the food, relative to consumption of pure glucose.[1] Glucose has a glycemic index of 100.

Now, I don’t want to confuse anyone. I know it can get that way at times, but I HIGHLY suggest you do your research. Again, what may work for you may not work for another. The reason I really wanted to get this out there is because I was misinformed. I stopped eating carbohydrates altogether. I labeled CARROTS as a BAD food for goodness sakes! You live and learn but I also learned the hard way.

As your primary fuel source, carbohydrates are important to your body. If you hope to perform to your potential during athletic activity, you must adjust your carb intake to match your energy output — too many carbs can lead to fat gain, and too few carbs can leave you sluggish and fatigued. That said, it is important to gradually self-adjust until you find the amount that works best for you and your workout.

So don’t go crazy.. EAT the GOOD carbohydrates. It’s the “bad” ones that you need to stay away from. The ones that are heavily processed and full of sugar. THAT’S what you should be “scared” of. Not bananas because their high in sugar (yes bananas are one of the highest sugar/carb count but they are FULL of nutrients). I would never completely take out a wholesome food from my diet. Instead, I know that eating a banana early in the morning gives me the best chance to be able to use its nutrients instead of being stored as “fat” (sugar IS sugar), or after a workout where my body will utilize it. It is all about understanding foods not giving up on them.

Here is a great article from live strong that I will leave you with:

Some popular diets such as the Atkins diet demonize carbohydrates, claiming that eating carbohydrates leads to weight gain. The Merck manual says carbohydrates are a very important part of a person’s diet because they provide energy to the body. While some carbohydrates are very healthy, others may, in fact, lead to weight gain. It is important to understand the distinction between refined carbohydrates and unrefined carbohydrates.

Refined and Unrefined

The Merck manual explains that refined carbohydrates are highly processed. The fiber and many nutrients in refined carbohydrates have been stripped out. Refined carbohydrates–such as white bread, cake and candy–are essentially empty calories, which may lead to excess weight gain. Unrefined carbohydrates–such as brown rice, fruits and vegetables–contain fiber and many vitamins and minerals. They tend to stabilize blood sugar levels and promote a healthy weight.

Whole Grains

Whole grains include 100 percent whole wheat bread, whole grain barley, brown rice, buckwheat, bulgur, quinoa, oats and corn. The National Institutes of Health recommends that 40 percent to 60 percent of a person’s diet come from carbohydrates, mostly unrefined carbohydrates containing whole grains. Whole grains include all three parts of the grain: the bran, endosperm and germ. Each part has distinct nutritional benefits.


Fruits such as bananas, apples and berries are simple carbohydrates in that they are digested fairly quickly by the body. Fruits are unrefined, though, so they contain many important nutrients. Fruits are considered to be a good carbohydrate because they are packed with vitamins and minerals and have fiber to help you feel full.


Beans, lentils, dried peas and peanuts are all examples of legumes, which are good carbohydrates according to the Merck manual because they contain protein to help you feel full. They are also full of fiber and rich in vitamins and minerals. The many nutritional benefits and the fact that they are unrefined make legumes a healthy carbohydrate choice.

Bad Carbohydrates

The category of white carbohydrates encompasses many different foods such as white bread, white rice and white pasta. These foods are considered to be bad carbohydrates, which should be limited in a healthy diet. The National Institutes of Health says refined carbohydrates such as white bread and white rice may increase the risk of diabetes and lead to weight gain.


Any foods that contain sugar–such as candy, chocolates, cake, muffins and cookies–are refined carbohydrates. These foods are bad carbohydrates that should be limited because they have no nutritional value whatsoever. They provide empty calories, and the National Institutes of Health says empty calories from refined carbohydrates may lead to obesity.

Eat to live, don’t live to eat. Enjoy eating healthy, google recipes, eat wholesome foods and get moving and I promise your life can change. It’s hard at first but is so worth it. Just educate yourself don’t just listen to someone because their in “great shape”. Trust me, starving yourself will make you lose weight but is far from healthy.
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The process is slow when you want to grow.

..Remember that.. how you can “bulk” and “cut” simultaneously.. is beyond me. Bulking is consuming more calories, where as cutting is the exact opposite. It is very hard and near impossible to put on mass all the while cutting carbs and maxing out on cardio. You have to train smart.
I took way too many different people’s advice when I was becoming a personal trainer turned  “bodybuilder” (really just a fitness freak).. and it was always so condescending. The best advice I could give is grab the basics, and go from there. Tailor it to YOUR needs, not someone else’s cookie cutter bullshit talk. You have to train and eat how your body requires, and what fitness goals you have. I spent so much unnecessary time on the stair master and drooling over food that I thought was “off-limits”, its mind-boggling. I suppose its different coming from someone whose past entails numerous eating disorders and a horrible self body image, but I now know whats right and wrong.This isn’t rocket science.. Kick the bad habits and gain new ones.. You don’t have to starve and you don’t have to live on the treadmill. Listen, you’re going to have to give up some shit.. and some times you’ll hate life because you know you shouldn’t but you just might indulge… so don’t beat yourself up.. everyone needs to start somewhere and cutting cold turkey every bad habit is not likely..
(As I continue to write this, it just so happens that this post is directly related to my giveaway that will be announced shortly…all about having fitness goals working towards them but in a fun and motivating way! Super excited to announce this coming up this weekend 🙂
I personally, want to gain size on my legs and shoulders, and I have to understand that I need to EAT correctly  (and lift), towards my goals even if that means my abs wont be as defined (at this time), or I may be or feel bloated. I may carry a few lbs of water.. It’s all okay. When it’s time and the “cutting” phase starts, that is when I will up cardio when necessary and play around with my carbohydrate fat intake and overall calorie consumption but I will never track it. Yes I know I may never know EXACTLY what and how much I’m consuming.. but this fits me just fine. I don’t care about consuming too many calories as long as their the GOOD ones!!! I don’t care if I eat an extra cup of grapes.. or had one too many sweet potato fries… I can’t think like this anymore.. this obsessive mentality is not healthy for anyone.
All I do know is if I “overeat” I may have to work a little harder on my workouts or do an extra 5 minutes of spin class.. Balance people.
No one will be perfect and you will have fuck ups but its all about how you deal with them. I have chosen to keep eating when I know I shouldn’t have, I have skipped a few workouts here and there.. but this is my life.. and welcome too it.I dont want to beat myself up anymore, I want to look and feel my best and go from there.. I realized how happy I am when I feel that I look good, when my abs show and my quads are defined. I don’t know if its vain or egotistical but I cannot be one of those people who are fine with being overweight. It makes me cringe.. it makes me feel so sorry for them because yes many “don’t care”, there are so many that do and its painful. Losing weight isnt quickly changed with  a few bicep curls and a salad or two.. This takes time. There’s no magic pill besides the magic of a positive attitude so plan to be patient.

I work out 6 days a week. I break my body parts up into Arms (bi’s and tri’s), Shoulders, Back, Quads, and Hams. I do all kinds of rep schemes and always add plyometrics into the mix (jump squats ext).. I lift as heavy as I can with no spot so I be sure to keep my form correct. The least amount of cardio I do a day is 30min. I switch it up between the stair master, a steepest incline on the treadmill and my new-found love in the spin bike.  I always eat breakfast. I eat, for the most part, every 2-3 hours. I eat protein at every meal. I try to keep my fruits in the AM hours only but if I want some later I eat some later. The only carbohydrates I eat are sweet potatoes, brown rice, oatmeal, whole wheat pastas and breads (Ezekiel breads and pastas). I try to drink as much water as possible. I have a cheat meal once or twice a week. Calories in vs calories out.. if I want to work harder and do a two a day, I’ll go out to eat and enjoy whatever I feel like (just remember when you go from eating clean to eating “dirty” you may experience some stomach trouble). I don’t reward myself with food per say but I can enjoy a good burger and fries here and there.

I don’t hate this lifestyle. I don’t mind preparing my own meals or waking up early for cardio. It gets difficult at times, just like any other life would, but this one gives me value. I have learned so many lessons along the way, its hard to always see how far I’ve come..  This lifestyle proves to myself that I do have determination, that I can succeed though all my negative bullshit, (and trust me, there is A LOT of negative bullshit out there.. I work as the only female in a body shop. Imagination people. I can do and WILL do what I plan to do.

There are so many ways to diet and get thin and lose weight, but don’t keep playing these games. You’re fighting an upward battle.. (BALANCE!!!). Put down the food if you’re not hungry. Switch to whole wheat pastas and breads and suck it up. Drink diet instead of regular. Make small changes that will have a huge impact later on…But more importantly promise yourself this is for you. Don’t do this for anyone else, do what makes you happy. Find ways to push harder the next time, not excuses to quit. Eat to live, don’t live to eat. Live by this motto and be positively patient.

It will come.

I can.


Training Shoulders tonight. Didn’t get a work out in the morning because we had gotten to bed late. Hit and Run was such  a dumb movie. Not happy 😦 and I now want to be spoiled and never go to a regular movie theater.. now that I know theres one with recliner chairs and a waiter 😉 haha..

I don’t really like posting workouts prior to it being done because I can never follow one plan.. It all happens so randomly.. I go harder than expected or cant finish 12 reps correctly. I don’t want to discourage myself in any way.. I want to do as much as I can. Seriously.. I’m talking, the wrong song playing can throw me off my game..

The main shoulder exercises I do are
Shoulder press (sitting, squat to s. press).
Lateral Raises, Front Raise
Upright Row
and Burpees with a Bosu Ball.

and since the boy is going out of town for the holiday weekend, I want to stay focused. I think I may cheat a tad, but keep consistent in the gym. Even though my gym closes a little early tonight I think I can still get in 45 solid minutes of cardio post lift.

..than finish it off with a casein cake.. fuck yes. No joke…….. so solid.


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