So it is Tuesday, May 8..
“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.” -Peter Marshal
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH oddly the days aren’t flying by like I imagined. It seems like everything has been working out in the smallest ways, therefore making life a LITTLE less stressful. Granted I just finished a 3 hour exam and have been getting up religiously for morning cardio. The only thing I would say that I am stressing about is losing my ass even more then I have, and getting my period (TMI but I kinda feel it coming. Oh but a little FYI this happened last show too haha).. The only thing that sucks about that is bloating.. and holding water.. this = DISASTER..
Any who.. at this point, it is what it is. My favorite quote, and something I say almost daily to myself. Its a reminder that we cannot change somethings and I do believe that everything happens for a reason (STRONG believer in this). I am just going to take this as another thing to check off that I accomplished, something that I trained for for months, something I worked damn hard at (and sometimes not so much HAHA).. This has been a learning experience for me. As most of you may already know I have struggled with body image for quite some time now. I use to follow what everyone else was doing, and doing shit to my body that I would be ashamed of now. I did whatever I could to look good outside, so I could feel good inside. Little did I know, that was the entire battle. A pointless one. One I wouldn’t win unless I stopped fighting AGAINST the one person I was trying to love all along, myself. I have eaten next to nothing for days, I have also binged more then one would admit too, I have taken numerous amounts of diet pills, yes I have done a lot in the 23 years I have been living. But growing up hating yourself is a full time job and I am sick of it. It makes me feel uncomfortable, ugly, useless, worthless, and then I turn mean. More so because I am sad inside, but because I am upset with myself. I feel like I failed. How can food be controlling my every move?
Because I allowed it.
No more guys. I sit here with my belly rumbling and 1/2 gallon water sitting next to me. These are different conditions. I am on the last week of my 3 month training regimen, about to walk the stage in 6 inch heels and a bikini in front of hundreds of people, and 4 judges about to critique MY BODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No this isn’t for everyone. Trust me.
It is more mentally challenging then it is physically. The first one I trained for I was shocked. The changes your body goes through and how your brain tries to follow along just gets demanding and you’re left confused. You have to have a happy place and I hope that happy place isn’t balls deep in a bag of Doritos. I don’t believe this was a good decision (regarding competing) in each of my situations only because I wasn’t healthy. I wasn’t ready mentally or emotionally but I did it because in my mind I needed a “goal”. I needed a time limit so I couldn’t make excuses (how’d that work out for me..). But now after this (which surprisingly I have the best attitude towards it then I ever have), I feel so much stronger. Yes I can lift a lot but I mean inside. I feel like I finally have control. Food is fuel = energy. Use it as such. Yes there is a lot of tasty foods out there and yes I think everything is okay in moderation, but why have copious amounts of fat on your body at all times?
Nothing good comes out of it.. PROVE ME WRONG I DARE YOU!
and if you tell me you don’t give a shit and you just want to enjoy food because it tastes good, fine but I can ONLY imagine what you think when you see yourself naked. Honestly.
Alright followers this is a little update/ inside my mind for ya..
7am 30min Cardio
7pm Hair cut
830pm Leg Workout + Cardio
1030pm Sports Nutrition Project
The Food Log
8am 1/4cup Oatmeal, with a 1/2 scoop protein powder, and 1/2 grapefruit.
1130am 1/2 chicken breast with asparagus
230pm 1/2 chicken breast with asparagus
500pm Brown Rice Tuna Avocado Sushi Roll (4)
800pm Some kind of protein
11pm Brown Rice Tuna Avocado Sushi Roll (4)
Just a few pictures because we know how I love to take them..
- What I had yesterday morning for breakfast. Awesome ya?
- My meals and snack for the work hours.
- What my fridge looks like (see upside down again.. wtf).
The Work Out
Don’t even know. Having Taylor there should help keep my energy up (since I don’t have any)..
All I really know is we are going to be squatting A LOT.. that and lunging like we’ve never lunged before..
Should I tell her how sore she is going to be? lol.
Final Week Check List (cont)..
- Finalizing hotel today.
- Picked up Mac foundation, lip gloss, and eyelashes.
- Need to buy ice packs for coolers.
Other then that, I don’t really need anything else. Everything will just happen as each day passes.. Like tomorrow might be the only day where I don’t have an appointment somewhere.. I just have my final project due for my nutrition class.. But Thursday I have a late nail appointment and that’s when I will be checking into the hotel.. Only a couple more workouts and then Friday after my tan I will just chill all day probably flexing.
Alright I am going to get back to work and hopefully things continue to stay peachy.