Tag Archives: LOL

(insert an awesome title here)!

*Have been trying to post this since last night. So yes, I am well aware today is not in fact sunday..

Sunday Funday! 

and 3 work outs later.. yep. That’s right, 3. I left the boys house around 10am and headed to the LA right by his house. I did 45 minutes of cardio 408 calories burned, 27% from fat. I went home, ate, and chit chatted with the mom. I then went to Round Lake for a full body work out, burning 813 calories, 40% from fat. I then went back home ate again, then went for an hour walk with mom and Marley. That I think burned 477 calories. That was a tough one. The minute I walked out there I started cramping up. Mom said we didn’t have to go the entire time but sometimes you just have to push yourself.

I have been working out a lot lately only having to take a few days off when I go up to Wisconsin for July 4th. Staying till sunday all I will be doing is practically eating and fishing lol. I don’t mind but definitely not a few hundred calorie work out… Planning to do a little run in the morning. Wake up run do some lunges squats.. you know a little cardio made fun. Can’t wait for the pictures to be taken. It is so beautiful I don’t think I’ll mind running one bit!

Yes.. that means I hate running.

Eating A LOT of eggs lately..

Eating A LOT of eggs lately..

Just a few things I have been eating..

GRAPENUTS ARE AMAZING. nuff' said.

GRAPENUTS ARE AMAZING. nuff’ said.

Still paying attention to what I am eating. Someone left a comment and asked if I changed my diet when I messed my shiat up… and to be honest if I did I wouldn’t remember enough to explain it. lol.. I just laid off it a bit (work out wise) and massaged the crap out of it. Speaking of which, I need to do more of. I barely stretch and I am ruining my body by not doing so (see below picture). That, or I am going to heavy too quickly. Take this picture I posted on instagram/fb the other day, hoping to get some answers..

photo 2

Do you see that dent in my leg? Apparently it’s from an IT band being too tight. Mostly likely resulting in a pulled/teared muscle. Yep. Lol. I will list the couple of websites that were posted to help explain it. I don’t have it on the other leg and it doesn’t hurt at all. Just.. weird looking. I may of first thought that it was water weight because I had a small indent in the back of my butt a little further down my hamstring. It went away the leaner I got though..

Interesting to say the least..
Last night, I went to the boys and wanted to go to dinner. While he was taking a shower I sat down and wrote my macros out. I was dead on with my carbs, a little lower on the calories but nowhere near the protein amounts. That being said, I knew I wanted a steak :). He threw out Joes Crab Shack and me being a non seafood person, meh but I agreed once I knew they served steaks. So I was excited. However, in the bathroom he was talking with a friend and “made plans” to meet at a pizza place. Now.. I wasn’t upset that he wanted to go with another couple even though I like spending time alone with him, nor was it the pizza place because this was IN FACT one of the pizza joints I am DYING to go.. it was the fact that I knew the majority of shit I’d be eating was carbs. That didn’t make me happy. I NEEDED more protein (I have been counting my macros for the last few days)!! 😦 So of course I practically through a fit because I suck at communication but seriously, don’t mess with me when it comes to food. But honestly, if I wasn’t competing or even thinking about competing I wouldn’t of cared. Could I have just dealt with it and went anyways? probably.. but who am I trying to impress? I don’t NEED to hang out with people (hence why I spend so much time at home) but what I do need to do is appreciate him and do things I sometimes don’t want to do for the sole fact of this relationship.. ugh.. always a work in progress.

MEEEEEEEEEAT!

MEEEEEEEEEAT!

*Sorry babe. I can tell you were some what upset about not hanging out with your friends just to please me. It makes me sad that I feel as selfish as I do. I don’t know. We made a pack tonight that we will work on things and I promise to keep that. But just know I am sorry okay?

So tomorrow gotta be up at 4:15 am to train a client. I will probably stay after my second to do 30 minutes of cardio before I go home. I don’t think I have any more clients till 2 because some of them are going on vacation. That will give me enough time to work out and finish the day around 9. I am leaving Wednesday night after work so getting in as many clients those 3 days as I can. So, I will be extremely tired even more than I normally am. Lucky for me, most of my next few days consist of fishing/ tanning on a boat. Looking forward to it, a little getaway. Hoping to hike this one mountain cliff thing down the street. We always pass it but the last few times we’ve been there to ice fish so obviously I aint doing shit that involves a lot of work outside in the cold. No. thank you. Not for me. Not going to happen. Ice fishing I’m at least sitting in a tent with a heater. I hate the cold. Everything about it :(.

I’ll be taking progress pictures soon (before and after vaca). Way too bloated the last few days so hoping when everything works its way out, I will be happy with what I see. Not saying I’m not. But I will be happy to wake up to my abs again. Working on those suckers too. Normally all I do is planks and I stick with a clean diet. But I want to see them more. Yes get lean but have them defined. Getting stronger though, no doubt. That’s one thing I wanted to talk about but think I should save it for another blog post. It’s in regards to how I want to be viewed by others. Not for the attention, nor would it matter what people had to say because I have heard it all before but it’s something I want people to get out of what I am trying to do.

About a week ago..

About a week ago..

Today 7/1/13

Today 7/1/13

7/1/13

7/1/13

Oh! You would think I should just blab it by now. But I want to put more thought into it unlike I feel like I do with most of these posts. I want this post to be meaningful because its something that gets brought up all the time in my life. How I view myself. A hard question that even right now, I wouldn’t be comfortable answering, but one in which I am working towards each and every day. So stay tuned. Or don’t, whatever ;P

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I’m pretty boring, but hey! It’s all good.

Well.. its one thing after another lately.. Seems that life keeps kicking me when all I’m trying to do is stand up!

But I’m trying to fight back. It’s all I can do. Being proactive about the job search and the opportunities that may come my way. Really just trying to find a job where I continue to do what I love, but also get compensated for it, enough to not only pay my bills but to have SOME what of a life.. because I don’t do anything. Not exaggerating.. I work, workout, eat and sleep. Right now though, it’s not that bad. I don’t mind it because I am truly trying to get ahead in life. I don’t care to go out and drink. I’d rather prove to the world that I have a gift that I’m trying to share!

One day right.. one day.

Having a good start to the weekend though.. Went to work and did my thing, bought some groceries:

IMG_9824

The Essentials: Chicken, Eggs, Greek Yogurt, Cottage Cheese, Bananas and Veggie Chips. I also picked up some grapples (apples that taste like grapes), Arctic Zero Ice cream that has only 150 calories for the entire pint and Skinny Cow Snickerdoodle Ice cream Sandwiches. I’ve tried the Strawberry Shortcake and they were fantastic. The Cookies & Dough Bars are crap, so I will see how the SD ones are. Also want to try the Cookies & Cream Sandwiches but they didn’t have them in stock. Probably because SC has been sold for $6.50 and Walmart was selling them for $3.50!!!! MMMM.. remember.. calories in vs calories out (and everything in moderation!)!!

..arrived home and went for a 5+ mile walk with Marley and my mom. It was nice. We spent about 2 hours and afterwards picked up some salads:

IMG_9829

All my mom was doing was talking about pizza, about a mile left of our walk and I was actually contemplating it as well! Haha.. I can always go for some pizza 🙂 But we chose to do salads instead which is always better.. well.. not always because well.. pizza will ALWAYS be better.. just not.. better for you. lol. Besides, going out for sushi later so I can save my carbs for then 😉

Speaking of carbs and walking, I have been taking some time off from lifting. Nothing too crazy but after that dead lift I was out of commission (lol). That definitely took A LOT out of me and I wasn’t expecting it. It was nice to lift my heaviest but my body took a toll. I suppose it’s a give/take relationship (: It’s not horrible though.. yes I am fiening (sp?) for the gym but taking time off to fully recover is the right thing to do. Some of my clients think working through the pain all the time, never missing a work out, ext is better.. but (not in all cases) it could be working against you. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! If you think you should take some time off, TAKE IT! The gym will always be there. Don’t risk injury for calories being burned. You can always stay active without going to the gym and stressing your body to the max. Go out for a BRISK (yes BRISK) walk, jog a little.. do body weight exercises (squats, lunges, wall sits, planks) during commercials. Just get moving and you don’t have to stress about always making time for the gym. Get creative and working out won’t be so horrible.

I do watch my calories (or how much “bad” stuff) I eat when I don’t make it to the gym. Yes if you are working out in a home gym or with weights you’ll burn more calories but if you can’t make it to the gym DON’T STRESS! Just watch what you’re eating. Stick to clean foods so you don’t feel even more guilty about not walking in the doors of a LA Fitness or X Sport… Because once again, it’s about calories in vs calories out. Just be conscious.. not naive. You know what you should do, shouldnt do.. what to eat, what you “shouldn’t” eat.. Just live your life in moderation and the weight won’t pile on when you stop being as active (especially in times of injury/surgery ext. This is when people gain the most weight. When they physically can’t exercise).

Don’t make exercising a chore, nor limit yourself to a “diet” because you don’t need to! Trust me! Just start eating healthy (foods that are GOOD for you!!!!), go for walks/jogs/runs, join a bike club, SOMETHING to get the heart going and you will start getting more and more motivated by how wonderful you feel 🙂

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All over the place..

If your client has to tell you to push them harder, as a trainer, you’re doing it wrong. Sick and tired of seeing people getting certified because its (obviously) the “cool” thing to do. If you’re not going to put your heart and soul into this “career”, save your clients time and reevaluate your life for a second. I deal with real life issues.. one being their lifestyle. No one spends thousands of dollars for a human rep counter nor should you be paid for being one.

That was my Facebook post this afternoon, after a situation at work. Here, as I pathetically attempt to answer a required online question for class, explains a little about where I see myself doing later down the road..

I also plan on building a business in regards to physical fitness (well maybe not). Not to keep mentioning the fact, but being a personal trainer for as long as I have been has really opened my eyes to how seriously mental and emotional lifestyle changes can be. It goes so much further than just losing weight, getting “big” ext , there is HUGE underlying issues in more than 50% of the people that walk thru those gym doors.

Now I have had a past, since at least from what I clearly remember started in 8th grade, full of body image issues. I have since starting blogging and having a huge (OK don’t think huge.. lets just say, decent) following base. I have stayed in good contact with past clients, and have truly taken the time out to help these people. I also have 1 client who lives in California (from one of my accounts), that has paid me to email, text back and forth, a training and nutrition regimen to compete in national bikini competitions. So, what I am saying is, I want to  start something by word of mouth. Have my clients be my “advertising”. I mean knowing people in the industry is going to be helpful, but again, by word of mouth. You know someone that knows somebody (Or if all else fails, or if I really have to give an “idea”, I’d start advertising or working with bridal stores, marketing boot camps for brides to be).

I may be completely not following the script, or even answering the question but I want to be everything in one. I see the psychological aspect of is. I know that coaching is staying in the future going forward, but I also want to be the one they go to to talk about the past (so i m p o r t a n t). Just today at work, a trainer called me saying he accidentally slept in and missed 3 appointments. I hung up and immediately went to the trainer table. Now mind you, here I am just the personal trainer counselor (aka sales even though I am currently still certified). However I went to check the computer and a younger girl, mid 20’s, walked over to the table. I asked her if she had a training appointment and indeed, with the missing  trainer. I explained the situation and asked her if she would like for me to train her or felt more comfortable rescheduling. She didn’t mind either so I encouraged taking me up on the offer (knowing I would of pushed her harder than she would of herself). She obliged and I asked for her workout journal that clients are given at time of commitment. I noticed no measurements have been taken recently, if at all and after 4 months of training you would think it would have been done. I walk her over to the table after explaining how important measuring progress was 😉 I sat her down and just began talking. How long she was training a week with a trainer (3), to if she’s noticing progress (insert how awesome this is, its like practice!). Just questions that made her open up to which she expressed her love for swimming but too embarrassed to get in the pool. The more questions I asked and let her open up, the more she did to which she said (verbatim) “I think I need a therapist”.It was awesome.  THAT’S what I want. I want to be that persons therapist, coach, nutritionist, personal trainer. All of it, all in one.

So I guess my point is, I don’t give the amount of revenue, well enough to pay the bills (but again insert idea about bridal stores if thats what this question is asking) but working minimum wage (and living with the best mom ever FREE RENT) has been working just fine. So if any of this makes sense (and as long as I pass my tests and turn in homework), I think  that since I wrote this much I should get an A (for effort of course).

You like that shit? Luckily, he is an awesome teacher and that little part I added at the end will at least make someone laugh 🙂 Going to bed though. Pretty exhausted after today. Have been on point though. Sushi dinner with the boyfriend post second cardio session. That’s right! Doing 2 a days lately. It’s so easy because I am ALREADY AT THE GYM! I have NO excuses lol. Eating has been key too. Did just splurge on a little carbs but not one fuck was given.

 

😉

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Monday 8/83 (1/14)

Had a quiet/relaxing weekend. I find that since I live 45 minutes from not only my boyfriend but my girlfriends as well, that I stay home quite a bit. I don’t mind 75% of the time because I am one lazy motherfucker (not to mention a broke motherfucker as well), but that 25% of the time pisses me off. However, I don’t plan on changing anything anytime soon. School is starting soon. Mondays and Tuesdays I will be working from 9-5 then class from 6-9pm. The other class is still not posted which is a little bizarre to me considering it starts next Tuesday. I think this will be good for me though. Not only because I am slowly working on bettering myself ( I honestly wish I didn’t take this long to continue college, but it is what it is), but because I need to get out. I need something to put my mind at ease.The classes I am taking (health and wellness, contemporary health issues and principals of wellness coaching), are something I need for the career path I am trying to follow so I am definitely looking forward to that. It’s always nice to actually learn something that you are interested in. Hopefully this is a small stepping stone to a bigger part of my life. I might feel overwhelmed at first, so I am leaving the job search till the end of the month. I am creating little goals for myself in the time being (ie add/correct my resume, get organized ext). Small goals that will hopefully help me out in the long run so I think for now I am just going to deal with this job. I don’t want to deal with the added pressure of starting 3 classes and putting extra effort in starting a new job. I already know that I don’t want to waitress or bar-tend. I want to be in the fitness industry again. I don’t care if it’s front desk at a gym I just want to be in that atmosphere. Even if I took a pay cut, the travel from Grayslake to Northbrook costs me an entire weeks pay. However I think this could wait.

Sushi Date!

Sushi Date!

Back to the weekend.. Friday night the boyfriend and I had a cute little date night at a local sushi place. It’s kind of been our go to sushi since the place we go to (Dragon Fly) is in the city. This place didn’t get good reviews at all which him and I were both surprised about. We have our two rolls (Nikko and Crunchy Flower) that we will always get but this time tried 2 new ones. They weren’t bad but they were huge and pretty much fell apart before I could get it into my mouth which pissed me off (no joke… literally pissed me off. I feel I need anger management sometime. No lie.. It’s not that I like to get angry it just happens.. It like builds up over NOTHING. INSTANTLY!!!! Or maybe I am just bi polar. However.. later on I need to go talk to someone. I don’t need medicine nor do I want it. I just want answers.. or a better understanding of why the FUCK my mind works the way it does). We left the restaurant and had intentions of going to Mavericks which is a country bar about 15 minutes away with some of my friends. We ended up just going back to my place because my boyfriend wasn’t feeling well. He had to be up early anyways so it was okay. Besides.. I love just spending alone time with him so I didn’t mind.
Marley was a good girl at the vet so she got a treat :)

Marley was a good girl at the vet so she got a treat 🙂

Woke up early and had to take Marley to the vet for her annual check up and rabies shot. She got her nails trimmed too because they were so long. I excused myself from the room because last time she did that she cried and looked at me with such sadness that I felt horrible. However listening to her from even outside the room wasn’t that better 😦 But as soon as I walked back in her tail was wagging and she seemed to be doing just fine. $200 later.. back to being broke till Tuesday. I was surprised that I had that little in my bank account but it is what it is.

Breakfast!

Breakfast!

I made breakfast and a couple hours later went to the gym. Still doing full body work outs and 30 minutes cardio. Afterwards made myself a protein shake (been LOVING them lately. Have actually been using greek yogurt instead of protein powder. 1. because I’m broke.. mhmmm it’s like $35 and 2. because it’s actually pretty convenient and none of that added bullshit. It has 18g of protein and 7g of carbs). I fell asleep for about 2 hours and then cleaned my room like a mad man. Still need to go thru my clothes because I am convinced I am a hoarder when it comes to that. I hate throwing away clothes thinking I MIGHT want to wear it one day. Ol well. I also put some of my (ex boyfriends gifts) crap on ebay. The new app makes it SO easy. Check it out if you want anything Coach (hand bags and shoes), I also have 2 watches up for sale (shititsmar). Took it easy the rest of the night and passed out pretty early.

The boyfriend didn’t get home till about 2:30am from a project he was trying to finish up in a couple hours.. that didn’t go as planned. So I woke him up around 12 figuring we would get together shortly after. He called and said he needed to go back so that was a bummer. It was my rest day and I had all this time on my hands haha. I cleaned up a bit more and decided to get to the gym even though I could of taken the day off. I cooked up some pancakes (threw PB and Jelly on them) and ate that for my post work out. I made these before (up in Wisco when I decided not to go out fishing), and it was AMAZING. It tasted better when it was actual pancake mix but you cant hate on PB&J regardless. My boyfriend was upset I made it without him but I promise I will (were going back next weekend so I GOTTCHU).

My favorite flavor. Bananas Strawberries and Coconut!

My favorite flavor. Bananas Strawberries and Coconut!

This time I did the back ext machine, and some ab work outs and finished with 20 minutes on the stair master and 40 minutes on the treadmill. Made another protein shake and waited for the boy to arrive. We ended up going to Applebee’s (I was in the mood for a salad) but ended up getting steak and potatoes.. another fave of mine. I did eat a pretzel stick and a bite of a brownie but kept it really clean. I have been snacking thru out the weekend (had some chocolate.. thank my period for that one.. I kid.. I just used that as an excuse and a 200 calorie serving of pizza). I have been super good this week though. I really want to put my all into this.

My food from Applebee's! Yum.

My food from Applebee’s! Yum.

My 200 calorie serving of pizza.

My 200 calorie serving of pizza.

I don’t know if I am going to take a full day off of working out this week because I will be up in Wisconsin this weekend. That means no gym.. however I swear the hike up to “spot” is a work out in itself. The only thing I am worried about is the drinking. I want to drink one night (as a “cheat”) and keep it clean the rest. We go grocery shopping so I am in control of that. I really don’t think we eat that bad (we grill a lot) but I am looking forward to a place we found not to far from the house. It has everything you could ever want to eat and is just awesome. Besides that I think its going to be a fine weekend. Nothing too extravagant, which I prefer.

Keeping my cardio to 30 minutes still, but will be splitting up body parts (ie back, shoulders ext each having their own day) this week. I will still have 1 cheat meal and won’t be taking anything out just yet. I have to stay on top of the time and how long I really do have to prepare for this show. Eventually my fruit will go, my carbs will lessen, and my salt intake will drastically decrease. You would think this would upset someone, however I am super excited for the changes!

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My birthday dinner turned semi shit show.

My birthday this year fell on Tequila Tuesday at work.. where guys usually stay after and play pool get rowdy and drink beer.. or tequila lol but I decided I wanted to go to Ra sushi I think the week before.. it just so happened that it worked out perfectly to go after work (yes and miss another work out lol).. home boy doesn’t get off till 6 so I had to wait around for an hour which I didn’t mind too bad.. cept I didn’t eat another meal anticipating I’d be eating at 730-8.. well.. we made it… in time for happy hour… which started at 10… lol. So 2 hours isn’t THAT bad.. but I’m a bitch.. and even worse WHEN I’M HUNGRY!! haha.. at least I apologize for acting out of hunger. wamp. haha

so .. why a 2 hour delay? Here are some pictures…

Me waiting some more..

Me taking a picture of Matt taking a picture..

I waited till 6 then had to go to his house to shower and walk his dog.. made a pit stop and headed back to the shop to scoop Matt up so we could go to dinner.. well I wait around even longer so they could finish there game of pool.. no biggie.. headed out.. we get to the gas station and pull into a pump next to Matt to wait for him to grab cigarettes// and his hoopee breaks down. Starter .. well…. doesn’t start. Wont turn.. spend a little bit of time and realize we need to tow it. I’m fucking hungry. My fault completely. I ALWAYS have snacks and I had extra food at work but I honestly thought Id get food in my stomach digesting sooner then 6 hours after my last meal. Ohhhhhhh happppppy birthday.. lol.

Alright.. well we work at a body shop and use a towing company relatively a lot. They STILL wanted $75 to tow it not even 2 miles.. yeah. okay. So we got a chain and the shops pick up truck and he towed my ass all the way to work. Not cool. Turns sucked.. and the second one I made the chain snapped… Mind you this chain was attached to his support beam. Yeah. Okay cool. Well uh the last 250 ft I was screaming out the window “get me the FUCK out of this car”.. at LEAST 4 times. Panic attack type shit. All I could hear was the chain and it just YANKING the car.. all I had was brakes on a 92 mustang. I couldn’t do SHIT. After I calmed down a bit he actually apologized for “ruining” my birthday but I was more worried he was pissed at the whole car situation.. I would be.. time is time..

Chain snapped..

Any who.. We hope in my car and head to Ra.. a sushi place in The Glen around the block. We make it there at 9:55.. 5 minutes till happy hour that I told everyone I didn’t want to go to because 10 was too late.. lol.. hmm.. We pull up and again.. fucking starving.. but I cant find my ID that I took out of his car literally 15 minutes prior.. Cant find this shit anywhere.. Searching my gym bag that I use as my purse like a tard that I am throws it in the back seat because I randomly find my passport.. lmfao.

Made it.

Whatever.We head inside and we order shots.. well the boy and I did.. Matt wouldn’t take shots of vodka… weirdo. and then the menugasm started.. fucking love sushi. That is all.That and this beautiful picture of our food.. which we actually were still missing 2 plates..I tried everything which is surprising.. Actually enjoyed most of it.. especially the short ribs (not pictured) was fucking kill. I would of ordered 3 more plates if I could.. well.. I could of but the bartender told me to save room because they were buying me dessert.Well don’t mind if I do.Picture NOT shown because my battery died almost instantly after I took the sushi picture lol.. but Matt has it because he said he’d take it.. only after the bartender lit the candle again because I clearly wanted my damn wish haha..

Birthday shot for the birthday girl!

Heaven.

Actually Matt just texted them to me.. Here is the dessert. Fried Ice cream.
They each had one and I had 1 and 3/4… no such thing as too many calories on your birthday lol.. 😉
Got home around midnight but didn’t go to bed for a while.. he ended up staying over because well he lives in the opposite direction and me tired and driving doesn’t work well. Overall had a good night.. wasn’t anything special or extravagant but exactly what I wanted.. now HOW I “expected” (never expect a damn thing in life).. but it was a good night. Spending some time in the city this weekend to celebrate and have a little more fun before school and my “life” starts getting overwhelming again. lol.. joy.
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Fishing is an off season bikini competitor’s hobby..

.. and why it’ll make me fat.

1. Only way I have patience is when drunk.

  • Alcohol makes you fat.

2. When you go cat fishing you’re drunk late at night. Late night munchies in Wisconsin = bar food.

  • Bar food tastes great when drunk.

3. I’m one lazy mother ——.

  • Perfect.

 

Yep. I caught this.

but to hell if I’d touch it.

 

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Paleo Strawberry Shortcake

Paleo Strawberry Shortcakes

Strawberries (as many as you think you need)

Wash and slice strawberries. Take about one cup of berries and blend in a blender or food processor. You can add a drizzle of honey or maple syrup if you wish. Toss the sliced berries with the pureed berries. Cover and put in the fridge.

Almond flour shortcakes

2 1/2 cups almond flour
1/2 tsp sea salt
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 cup almond or melted coconut oil
1/4 cup maple syrup or honey
2 eggs
1 tsp lemon juice

Preheat oven to 350. In large bowl beat eggs. Add syrup, oil and juice. Then add almond flour, salt and baking soda. Mix until batter is stick and well combined. Drop 1/4 blobs onto parchment lined baking sheet. Space about 1-2 inches apart. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. Serve nice and warm covered in fresh berries. To store, place in zip top bag. And for future enjoyment, reheat the shortcakes in the toaster oven.

 

So I made this.. or at least attempted too. L.M.F.A.O HOWEVERRRRR the original recipe I got the idea from no joke said 1 TABLESPOON salt. WTF? I listen and read well.. so I did just that and HOLY FUCK a big no no. I should of known better but come on! The consistency was awesome just you know… a little salty……… AND I FUCKING LOVE SALT! haha.. no bueno. But here is a different recipe and y’all should make it. This with my coconut whipped cream. Fuck yeah. Enjoy.
 

&&

 
I missed 3 work outs (days rather).. the heat is getting to me and I’ve been exhausted and moody. I swear everything has been getting to me. I told my boyfriend just the other night that I think I like being angry/ and or sad. No joke. It’s like the littlest things upset me. Not that I want to get into it or anything but he doesn’t deserve the shit I say.. like my “k” responses or even worse, “ok.” like what the fuck? Granted this is a new relationship and were both getting use to things, I am trying. Not that I am perfect by any means but I notice these things and he is the LAST person that deserves the brunt of my episodes. It hurts me knowing that I hurt him. I love him with all of my heart.
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Some sort of growth, right?

“When I see these pictures I often find myself thinking, what else have they had to give up in order to attain that physique? What relationships have suffered? What other areas of their life have they not had the opportunity to cultivate? What would that person ever do if circumstances (such as age, illness, some personal tragedy) turned the tide and they couldn’t maintain that image anymore? Would their identity be lost? Would others no longer be impressed by them?”

I recently saw this on someones blog, and holy cow.
I haven’t thought about my life without fitness or a healthy lifestyle till I came across that paragraph and wow was I lost for words.
My life has consisted of years of self abuse. Eating disorder after eating disorder. Diet pill after diet pill. Work out after work out.
This is all I know. I know weight loss. I know self hate. I know unhealthy. I know healthy.
Now.. I don’t know a life without constantly thinking about working out, hating myself, and food as much as I’ve lived this one. lol. Whatever I am doing.. surfing the net, posting fitness tips, pinching extra fat on my things, looking in the mirror, smelling a bomb ass slice of pizza, salivating over pinterest.. literally.. not a day.. not an hour.. not even a min goes by without me thinking about “fitness”.. So what would happen? What would change if I no longer could do the things I do on a day-to-day basis? What if I couldn’t work out?
The only thing I can pinpoint that I know 100% to be true.. is as long as I didn’t put on weight (or get what I feel s my uncomfortable zone) then I would try to make the best out of the situation.. but if the weight starting creeping and I wasn’t able to be active I think would ruin me. The idea of me being fat… FEELING fat hurts my heart. No joke.
Actually writing this out makes me sound selfish. Fuck. Seriously.. lets move on..
SO reading this on Friday guess what I did?
I had one of the best weekends of my life.
It didn’t start off so well but it definitely made me realize that I wouldn’t be lost without my fitness lifestyle.. that’s not something I focus on. It is literally my outward appearance. I NEED to look good (or at least THINK I look good lol). I like seeing collar bones and broad shoulders. I love having an ass but a flat stomach. I want my legs more defined… bigger even. Before I wouldn’t IMAGINE being “thicker” (I fucking hate that word). But in reality this is comfort. Healthy IS happy.
So, since I really don’t want to make this super long I won’t go much into detail (I ramble anyways so feel free to speed read).. I got home friday night knowing I wasn’t going to work out. I wanted to rest so that’s exactly what I planned on doing. I had saved these pre made smores the entire week and really wanted it right then and there. So what did I do? I had it.. Do you see a pattern in my decision-making? lol. So I was talking to my mom and she interrupted and said, should you be eating that? 
Fuck. I literally snapped. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time she’s made a comment like this, however it’s usually when I really shouldn’t be eating it (during contest prep). So I suppose I could understand.. but what the f u c k ? It kind of hurt. I ended up trying to explain how I felt and she got weird and didn’t understand so I walked out and called her a fucking asshole. 
 
1. Yes I was wrong for calling my mother an asshole.
2. This exact question, from her and an ex boyfriend, has started binges. Consider it a “trigger”.
 
We pretty much didn’t talk all night. I think she texted me something but my phone ended up dying. I passed out trying to charge my computer so it could charge my phone.

Saturday Morning..

.. I woke up feeling pretty good. I made breakfast, and cleaned up a bit. I had plans to go to Ribfest with a few friends but it was still pretty early (damn you internal clock). So I ended up putting a blanket outside and trying to tan. About 15 minutes in he calls me and I plan to leave within the hour. Everything pretty much goes as planned. I get to his house and we take the convertible down towards the city. tragic wasn’t that bad but I was stoked to be in the sun tanning with the top down lol, so I could care less. We see a carnival on the side of the highway and I made a comment about exes saying they’d win me a bear but I end up winning it myself. So what did he do? Took a detour parked the car and we didn’t leave the carnival till he won me a bear. Oh and eat a funnel cake too. So we hoped back in the car, got to the fest and pretty much gained weight. We ate fried oreos, ribs, more ribs and more bbq lol. After we walked around a bit, he got a few calls to go to the race track in Joliet. We dipped and ended up staying at the track for at least 5 hours. We drank margaritas and I ate someones french fries.. and popcorn. lol. Blahblahblah we end up driving home but ended up stopping at a friend’s house to drink. And drink I did. 
 
Woke up in a bed on..

Sunday AM..

.. Up early as hell no hangover. Success. 11am his friend calls him to go with him and his gf to breakfast. We drive about 20 minutes to a breakfast place named Ellies (no pictures because phone was dead). I think it would have been a lot better had I known what the ingredients were like. They were fresh but wasn’t expecting it. Like for example I ordered a skillet with green pepper… however they were the huge peppers and not cut down (they were literally the size of a mini twix lol)… but then I took no joke less than 10 bites and I was full. I was just dehydrated like a mother fucker. So I just chugged diet coke and water (bad idea btw). We leave and get dropped off not knowing what are plans were next. I sit in the backyard and put suntan lotion on. He gets a call and we roll over to his friend’s house. Sun tanning and drinking for hours. It was so chill. Literally stopped everything to go to Trader Joes for Mochi balls.. lol…. I think in total we had like 8 boxes.. They were defiantly weird lol. After we bail we go back to his house and sit and chill till I realize that I wanted Cold Stone. So what did we do? We got Cold stone lol. Fuck yeah.
So. that was pretty much straight my weekend. Now.. this wasn’t anything special.. No, I didn’t win the lottery or get a new car. I didn’t work out once and I ate like shit the entire weekend (no I do not recommend this. One or two cheat meals a week. NOT cheat DAYS!) Yes, I wasn’t AS comfortable and no I didn’t really want to walk around in a bikini, but for once I wasn’t constantly thinking about fitness, the gym, working out or fucking protein powder. I was LIVING. As simple as my weekend was, it was unbelievably relaxing. I felt like I took a mini vacation from myself.

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First Shit Show of the Summer.

Where do I even begin?
What was suppose to be a mini 3 day vaca, couldn’t even start off on the right foot.
 
For the most part I will just post pictures (even though I don’t have many because my phone was always dead).. just because I don’t even know if words will or can describe this fucking shit show. 
 
So let’s start off with waiting for the boys to come scoop Marley and I up. Mom thinks it’s a good idea to start on about my relationship with one of the boys I have been “seeing”. I know I haven’t been open about my personal life but when its necessary I will. With that being said and without saying much, she kind of started bashing him. Ok, so I wouldn’t say “bashing” but not talking positively about our little so called “relationship”… okay fuck it, she thinks that since we are having sex that hes using me. Ok granted in most of my past relationships I have been used (and have been the user so I am no pocket of sunshine) but what she doesn’t know that if I didn’t want the sex I wouldn’t have it. Is it that hard to comprehend? The sex is great and until further notice I will continue to have it. In NO way shape or form do I feel used. This guy (again, without even saying much) is just short of amazing. And since I now know that you read my blogs, I hope you’re blushing 😉 lol kidding but honestly I hope you know that I pray to God everyday, thanking him for putting you in my life. 
 
Okay okay okay.. exactly why I don’t get all emotional and shit lol because it sounds like that ^ ^ 🙂
 
So after our argument, blood was starting to boil…. walked upstairs to get the cage out of my room (for Marley) and I literally could not figure out  how the FUCK to tear it down.. I wanted to throw it out the fucking window. My mom started getting pissed because she said it sounded like I was going to come thru the ceiling so I said fuck it and left it. Now.. maybe I should let it be known that I have always have problems managing my anger and just scream and swear and act immature as a way to cope. I have learned that this is not a healthy way of living. Trust me. 
 
So as hot tempered Marissa bitch fitted her way out the door, the boys roll up. Now.. we rented a car for the weekend because we were bringing up two dogs and a shit ton of….shit I guess (fishing poles food coolers ext) and again… 2 fucking pit bulls lol. Okay.. so they roll up.. I start putting my shit in the car and we try to get the dogs in there as well.. Well….. that didn’t work out as well as I had planned. At this point.. with the littlest shit pissing me off, I didn’t even want to go. Not to mention guess who was sitting in the SMALL ASS backseat with 1 huge pit trying to bang my baby girl THE WHOLE FUCKING TIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
 
Fuck it.. not even that important.. I sat there quietly. Awkward. as. fuck. Until I realized that I wanted to drink. So I did just that. 3 hours later we pulled up to his house. At this point I realized that I needed to suck it all up for once and stop being such a gosh darn princess. We all unpacked and I made the boys peanut butter and jelly on my little bad ass sandwich grill lol.. So as we ate and drank we just chilled for a bit.
 

Fast forwarding to Saturday Morning..

 
..I impatiently wait around and before noon even hit we were in the car heading down to the water. We get into the water and we all start drinking (more so because I was freezing and the sun wasn’t out.. just like earlier where life sucked in the back of the car, apparently drinking solves problems)… a couple of bites later, the weather turned. Rain start pouring down and we headed back to shore. I was still sitting on the edge with my rod in the water… I swear rain helps fishers lol.. but it didn’t. No big deal. We head home, change and probably start drinking again. Later that night we headed to the casino and I pissed away a little bit of money.. nothing too drastic (but I can SURE as fuck see how people lose mortgages.. holy fuck).. So we all decided to sit down at the roulette table which had turned all digital, it was all touch screen. It was awesome. I sat by my dude for a bit and picked some numbers for him.. probably 20 minutes later Kornel put $20 on my screen and I started playing. I swear, INSTANTLY I was up at least double my money. I ended up walking about with $60 lol… not bad for nothing right? On our way back from the casino we stopped at this strip club that I had been to once before. Now granted I haven’t been to many strip clubs but this was like nothing short of a hole in the wall (speaking of random holes.. omg jk lol)… but just remember, I am in Wisconsin. LOL.
Here.. you weren’t suppose to take pictures but I clearly can’t follow rules…So that’s Teddy pretty much getting molested and loving it. I got groped by a stripper and my boobs were taken out and fondled. lmfao. so dirty idk wtf was going on. We leave the strip club, and we run into a younger guy (early 20’s ??) walking with a cane. I don’t know how this all started but we all got to talking. Long story short he pretty much got jumped (a pussy way of beating the crap out of someone), and it left him paralyzed. Holy fuck I know I am a bitch, but I cry like one too. I swear I could cry at the drop of a dime. sometimes, it sucks lol. But my heart dropped.. I felt so fucking bad. After we all keep drinking till the bar closed, we headed back home. The car ride back got pretty heated though. I swore at his friend (teddy) and pretty much didn’t hold back when he started saying shit I didn’t like. Clearly I was drunk so I don’t remember what was said I just know that when I get passionate about something (or feel that someone is being disrespected) I have NO problem letting people know whats up. I just don’t think being ignorant/disrespectful/hurtful is anyway shape or form is something to be proud about. I have hurt so many people in the past, that I am ashamed of it and hope that I am doing a better job not even for myself, but because of the pain I have brought on to so many people. It’s disgusting to even think about.Anyways lmfao.
blahblahblah I don’t remember anything after the car ride… soooo moving on lol..
 

Sunday Morning..

..and I am up before anyone else..aaaaaaaaaaagain (745am exactly lol). wait and wait and wait….teddy wakes up…waiiiitingggggggggggggggggg. I get annoying and wake Mike up. I keep lying to everyone and telling em its later then it really is and that we are pissing away our vaca hours! lol. I honestly dont care what people think of me anymore (I think I pissed both his friends off at some point, AND him now that I think about it lol)… so we pack up the booze and the rods and errrrybody and head out (not even 11am lol), we stop at the gas station and pick up some chasers and the boys all got cigarettes (btw 5 months CLEAN BITCHES!!) lol.. so we all start to head out and we hear something drop off the boat when Mike veered off the road a bit. Later we find out its my bowl that I have had for years.. literally years. lol. Super pissed (well kinda..shit happens).Sun is shining, boats in the water, drinks in one hand, fishing poles in the other.
We all have a good time, drinking and fishing.. Jumping into the water, falling into the water all for a few hours (besides waking up in the morning, this entire weekend I never actually knew what time it was lol).. So the sun was shining, temperature rising to the high 90’s.. Apparently I got drunk and passed out and now I have incredible sun burns.. oh.. and bruises. Words cant describe them and actually neither can these pictures because my bruises are BAD (falling into the water and boosting myself back up are the only things I can think of as to why I look like I got my ass beat). lol. So Sunday night was nice, we all chilled a bit, drinking more lol.. (don’t remember anything late night though)..

Monday Morning..

..I wait and wait and wait for people to get up. Teddy and I say fuck it and go and try to find my bowl on the side of the street. We pull up and park and as soon as we get out of the car I have 7 mosquitoes on me. 7. Fucking so fucking stupid. What the fuck. I was so annoyed all weekend because of these damn mosquitoes lol.
 
So as you probably could of guessed, we didn’t fucking find it. whatever. Just add it to the reasons this was a stupid shit show.. I don’t know a lot of these details lol so I went and asked this boy (enter smile here), and as what I waited to say happened Monday actually happened Sunday…. so lets back track.. blahblah were back to Sunday..
 
I happen to like this boy. We are nothing official unless Facebook adds a Friends with Benefits or Best Friends who are having sex button or “title”. I am okay with this. I actually PREFER this. YES ladies and gentlemen, I prefer this over being in a relationship. I am not going to get sappy or tell you how I don’t guys (Lol.. its true, but I also just don’t like people in general) <– true as shit and maybe I will post a separate blog as to why I wish I could keep the things I want and get dropped off on an island by myself (and the things I choose ect)..
 
..anyways another disclaimer/reminder? I AM AN EMOTIONAL ASS FUCK!
 
okay well.. that and I am very intuitive.. it’s almost scary sometimes. That being said I went thru his phone. I have never wanted to do it.. EVER. I can’t even explain why I did it. Well I happened to see texts from him and another girl (same girl we bumped into when I was out with him for his friends birthday), going back and forth about how he still loves her and how I am just a friend. Now.. I had NO right to do what I did (let this be known). I KNOWINGLY thru away trust and respect when I did that, but no joke.. Something inside me,  felt like I had to. Seek and you shall find.
 
My heart hit the floor. After all the conversations we had had, HE (out of all people) does this to me..? It was a slap in the face.. more like a spit in the face rather. I left the messages up of where it said he still loved her and set it on the table, plain sight, out in the open, the first thing he will see when he opens up the door and follows me inside. I meet him outside on the verge of a panic attack.. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I was 3 and 1/2 hours away with no reception. I wanted to throw up. I looked at him and calmly (legit calm) told him that I was going into our room and how I didn’t want to be bothered for the entire time. He looked at me, back down (probably because I wasn’t hyperventilating  like I wanted to, or screaming and slapping him in the face).. I swear sometimes I think I am psychotic. He was confused until after I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him, then I think the confusing got worse. I walked away and shut the door to our bathroom and sat on the toilet. I had NO idea what the fuck I was going to do. Had this been done in Illinois I would have NEVER spoken to him again. This is no way short of the truth, I am THAT stubborn. So I sat there, he came in, phone in hand. I don’t remember much of the details but I have never called someone a scumbag as much as I did that day. FUCKKKKKK was I hurt. He tried explaining, and I’ll cut this shit short, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. His logic only made sense to him, and as I tried explaining it I think he understands where I’m coming from. You don’t tell an exes best friend that you’re still in love with her and either a. think that wont be repeated or b.make her stop texting you? I don’t know and I don’t care, (To him: you’re only hurting yourself in the end babe..if you love her fight for her. No joke loves hard to find)..
 
 Okay so..that was like the cherry on top.
 
..Now you may be confused on why I was even pissed in the first place because I did this to myself and he really didn’t do anything. I mean I AM just his friend.. but the whole love thing…. again that’s not something you throw around. If it didn’t hurt me it should hurt the other ears listening. I would NEVER tell someone I was still in love with them if I didn’t mean it. THAT shit breaks hearts.. so do you get where I am coming from now? I mean 5 years he spent with this girl.. 2 months later we started “talking”.. shit has been great no bullshit no drama then this shit? And after my mom mentioned something to this extent MINUTES before he came and picked me up? Fucking weirrrrrddddd. Lol. But everything happens for a reason. Not even those weird signs but just the fact that this happened in Wisconsin. Like I wish all of you readers knew me on a personal level just so you know how I view life because I really am trying to be passionate about LIVING that I don’t DEAL with “drama”. That shit doesn’t phase me. You know why? I don’t allow it too. Yes shit pisses me off but nothing I can’t handle. So after that, probably countless apologies later, shit was like that never even happened..back to MONDAY.. shit was fine. I bitched some more about being hungry that they eventually got up and headed out to breakfast. Since we were already in bumble fuck we had to drive probably 15-30min away just to find some food (lol), not to mention it was memorial day… lol.. in Wisconsin wheres there like 2 McDonald’s in the entire state, we pull up to some breakfast place (kinda super excited only because small hole in the walls, unlike strip clubs, are fucking awesome) “rumored to be the best breakfast in town” (uh well no shit Sherlock you’re the ONLY breakfast place in town)… whatever. LOL. Teddy and I walk in while the other boys smoked a cig. Lady took awhile to even notice me, so teddy went and smoked a cig too.. She acknowledged me and then sat me. They all sat down and we looked over the menu which was awesome. lol I wanted EVERYTHING. I ended up like wanted a “Denver Scrambler” (actually spelled scramblee and realized how close the r is to the e and decided to correct it because y’all would just think I misspelled it and now know they did not name a scrambler a scramblee lol). It was Ham Onions Red Peppers and Cheddar Cheese. So when it was my time to order, I wanted that scrambler with Sausage instead of ham. She told me that I cant substitute the scramblers. I don’t know why but I said okay and someone else ordered. As I was scrambling around I wanted a different “scrambler” (wasn’t technically a scrambler but I forgot the name) and figured that I just couldn’t substitute but I could take out. So it had mushrooms and beans, but everything I wanted, I didn’t even want to add anything and she told me I couldn’t even do that…. blood fucking boiling. I had been hungry for the past 3 hours and now this waitress is making me look like a retard. So pretty much if his friends weren’t there I would of walked out. Again, no joke. She pissed me off that much. At first ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS CHANGE HAM TO SAUSAGE. Are you shitting me? Then ALL I WANTED WAS TO TAKE 2 INGREDIENTS OUT!!! Lmfao. God forbid. At that point I didn’t even want to eat I was just so fucking annoyed. Lol. Holy shit balls get me home.We stayed around for a little bit (sleeping, drinking ect), then started playing Frisbee. Time started to pass and it was already 6:30pm.. Teddy was going to stay (so he was getting tipsy) and we decided that we needed to leave soon. We packed up and cleaned the place up a bit, while Kornel was telling Teddy he’ll drive his car (FUCK YEA! Meaning I didn’t have to sit in the back with 2 dogs, sober and sun burnt as hell. NO FUCKING THANK YOU ). We got our shit in the car and headed out. About an hour and 1/2 later we stopped for food and I swear it was the best part of the trip. I need to go to AW again. Hamburger and chili cheese fries (and CHEESE CURDS HOLY FUCK) needs to be in my belly again. After that, another 2 hours later and I was passed out in my bed. Sun burnt but alive.
 

 

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Day 73 I apologize in advance if you open this.

Okay. I think I’m done with that. My sweet tooth is ah rockin’. I don’t know where teh cravings came from but they are here. Mind you I probably wont ever have my favorite foods (like the above mentioned) but these made a little happy dance in my mouth. No joke.. I could binge for days on this kind of sugar.. I didnt however take a picture of the Pizza Pot Pie.. okay now, I am allowing myself to take a trip here. It is in Chicago and I hear you will always wait no less than 60  min. It comes in a small size then a lb then 2 lbs (but I hear only 7-8 people have eaten the entire thing), it looks AMAZING. SIMPLY DIVINE! A huge “BOWL” of crust with whatever you want in it (I love just cheese on my pizza), so a bowl of homemade suace with a heeping cover of cheese. Holy Shit. Okay okay I’ll post a picture haha 🙂 AND… ONLY because I will already be in Chicago I will try out Sprinkles cupcakes.. I am super excited.. but more importantly I am looking forward to cooking my healthy cooking again.. I have AWESOME recipes to try out and I miss my Lara bars and my fruit smoothies.. (that’s  possibly why I am having cravings.. I cut out my fruit aka sugar!!)..  But anywho.. today is a busy day..

Got up at 530am, did 45min of the stairs.. work from 9-5, class from 6-950, then a quick 45-60min round of cardio 🙂

The Food Log..

7am Protein Shake (1/4c Oatmeal, Dymatize, 2Tbs PB2, Ice, Water)
11am Chicken Breast
1pm 1/4 c Almonds
4pm Extra Lean Ground Turkey w/ Broccoli and mustard.
7pm Chicken Breast
11pm Protein Shake (Dymatize, PB2)

The Workout..

6am 45 Min Stairmaster
10pm 45 Min Stairmaster

Day 73 in Pictures…. have you had enough with the pictures yet??

http://www.somethingshinyblog.com/2011/10/chocolate-chip-cookie-dough-cake.html

Holy shitballs. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t help it. If you want an awesome cheat I left the recipe up top … :/// and this I found on pinterest…. actually I pretty much find all my munchie “wishicouldeatthis” on pinterest.

Actually I was going to post my normal pictures of the day, but fuck it.. This is practically what I thought about constantly. Not to mention I ate a few slices of pineapple. Paid for it later, let me tell you. My stomach was in knots. 😦 Anywho.. had a psych test and bombed it. Literally guessed on every single question. I didn’t even read them. Just waited for him to give us like 5 answers so I’d at least get something right. I don’t care. We do not get along, and I do not agree with how he teaches. Well everyone have a good morning! Achieve dream and believe.

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