Tag Archives: mental-health

Inner peace and happiness is the true balance in life.

Well would you look at that? Second blog post in a row.. Actually I should delete that before I jinx myself again. HOWEVER!!!! Tomorrow I work from 3-6:30pm but going in around 12 to get a leg work out in. After that, I am going with the boy to the track till probably around midnight so no blog post tomorrow. I will update on Saturday though.

Today was short of a train wreck. The boy came over last night late so I pretty much said hello and passed out. Well, that is before I gave him my last strawberry shortcake skinny cow while I ate a handful of blueberries. I am telling you… I am going to STAY STRONG during these four weeks of no cheats. I do however, like today, had a kind bar which is keeping me sane. That, and Quest Bars. If you have never heard of them, I suggest you do yourself a favor and google that shit. They are by FAR amazing. I actually had a client today come over to my desk before a session while I was eating one and informed her about them. After our session, I ran up to the treadmills (Yup, doing cardio like a good client!!!), and gave her my last apple pie one. I didn’t mind. For some reason I am straight addicted to their brownie flavored ones. That is, till I try their new raspberry white chocolate one ;P

Anyways, side tracked like a mother.. So I woke up around 10am and went downstairs to eat something. I knew I was going to go back to bed for a bit and wanted to get something in me before I went hours with an empty stomach. I ate about 1/2c greek yogurt with more blueberries and made a piece of toast with PB on it for the boy and I. After a little while shit got nuts. I got crazy insecure and shit just escalated. I am just sick and tired of feeling how I feel lately. Things aren’t going well. Work is long and strenuous and I don’t get paid like I should. I am literally living paycheck to paycheck with no social life because I can’t afford it. Now I don’t mind per say because it usually affects training (going out for drinks or a movie.. I mean who can say no to a couple handfuls of butter with a side of popcorn?).. but the fact that I don’t even have a choice, is overwhelming. Outside of that, all I worry about is him and what he’s doing and who he’s talking too. Now I am one insecure bia and have always been but this.. this is just crazy. I WANT IT TO STOP! I want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop thinking the thoughts I think. All of it. I want to pretend nothing ever happened in our relationship for me to feel like this. No, I am not putting all the blame on him, but it has definitely altered the way I view our relationship now. Time and time again I say how I want to change and how I will and yadda ya but every week its the same shit. I have contemplated talking to someone but I don’t have the time. I am literally on call for my clients and don’t feel its the right thing to do at the very moment. I have seen someone before and have taken psych classes… so I know the road they are going to take. I just need to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. Yes, I can go back and claim daddy issues for this shit but it’s not about that. Yes, I have a fear of being abandoned (more so dumped and cheated on) but because it’s how the story has always ended up to be. Not even that, he has put doubt in my head and although its been a year, time doesn’t always heal as fast as you would like it too. And trust me, I WANT IT TOO! But I will not allow my “home” issues to affect anymore of my life than it already has. I am just lucky that I have not chosen food to cope with my issues. That is a HUGE step for me. Although I have lacked in work outs (second day this week without a full work out), I’d rather lack in work outs and rest than fill my body with mass quantities of bullshit for an instant satisfaction that will only bring days of complete and utter disappointed. I am just going to pray. That’s it. Oh, and lift!

Well, after a few spurts of tears later, he left and I got ready for work. I made up a few meals and ate 4 slices of turkey bacon before I headed out (looked at the ingredients.. Um no thanks).

3:15pm Got to work
3:30pm Trained K. He had a kick ass work out ;P
Had 1/2 Kind bar and 1/2 Quest bar
4:00pm Trained H (had a good convo with her in between her rests to catch her breath)
4:30-5:30pm Had a break because one of my clients cancelled.
5:30pm HM asked me if I wanted to train arms with C and him and I agreed but only had 30 minutes till my next apt.
Ate 1/2c brown rice with 99% FF ground turkey. Cold. Awesome. Not.
6:00-9pm More clients.
In between those clients I ate some more chicken. Also had some almonds and the rest of the kind and quest bar.

On my way home around 9:45pm I ate another 1/2c greek yogurt with.. you guessed it, blueberries. I stopped at jewel for a few items. I mean it was late, but chicken was on sale for $1.99 a pound. LOL

It is currently 11:42pm and I will have, most likely, more greek yogurt and……STRAWBERRIES??? haha.. maybe blueberries. I don’t care about eating fruit at night. I would rather that than a fantastic tasting chocolate bar. From now until 2-3 months, you will see fruit in my diet just about every meal of the day. Yes, it’s sugar but I stay active and until I need to cut, bring it on!

Okay okay.. so as the pictures were uploading I went downstairs and got some. Darn these blueberries!

Okay okay.. so as the pictures were uploading I went downstairs and got some. Darn these blueberries!

Here, I have chicken, ground turkey (UGH! 99% FF is $2 more than 80/20 fml), greek yogurt, bananas, strawberries, blueberries (LOL) and carrots. I bought the carrots for the track tomorrow because all I will be doing is smelling burnt rubber and funnel stix (FML). SERIOUSLY HEAD STRONG! I can do this!!!!!

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I would be by the PB aisle..

So after my little 20 minute arm work out, that was the most I did working out today. I was not feeling up to it. Besides, my whole body is sore. Although I do miss it, I did a little arm work out at home and took this progress picture of my shoulders again. I am so excited for the changes that are going to come.

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Other than that, that sums up my day. Nothing TOO crazy might I add. Tomorrow should be exciting though. I am looking forward to this new positive attitude that I am trying out. I mean.. I am staying positive that I’ll be able to stay positive. Hmmm..

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You know squat? … Exactly.

So .. I suppose with how many people have viewed my instagram account, has the potential to look at my blog (at LEAST once). Knowing that.. super awkward. I don’t know. I guess I always jump around from professional to .. well not so much. This blog is just a story about me and my life and how it affects my training lifestyle (i.e. eating disorders, emotional eating, plain old life situations ext). I know squat should be taken literally.. not figuratively as in my fitness “wannabe” background. I really lose all focus with insecurities present, that I know I look like a fool.

I also think I over analyze every possible situation.

I might possibly step away from the personal training part of my life till I finish school and get my head above water. Though I truly do love what I do, I have to be taken seriously and I can’t give anyone any reason to doubt me. Maybe I’ll explore other options that could possibly just be a foot in the door instead of wasting time away waitressing or cleaning fucking toilets. Although, if it paid more than what I am now.. I highly think I’d consider.

Can’t be forever right?
🙂

Anyways.. once I think I can manage an actually successful website, this one really isn’t suppose to be taken seriously. I throw in recipes, progress pictures and the word fuck in this blog but in the end the title is what it is in that manor.

On the brighter side, I attempted to squat 205 a couple of times (yes of course with a spot, who I might add, is seriously fantastic)!!!! Notice attempted.. because to be honest.. as much as I work as a personal trainer I need to focus on really getting my act together.. I want to lift heavy, as fuck, for sure but as much as I think I know what I’m doing I don’t fucking do it. Here I am telling my clients to squeeze this, do that but holy fuck it like all disappears from my mind when I train myself… I think I just need to get use to a workout buddy, a spot, simply a trainer training me. But don’t get me wrong, I fucking love it.

Just thought I’d give a clearer idea of what this blog was about. For now, it’s nothing special just random as hell thoughts, pictures and the roller coaster of a ride my life has become..

Anyways, I have to be up soon about 5 hours of sleep to wake up see if a client comes in, sit in sauna, eat take a nap and go back to work. I seriously wish W was as short of a distance that RLB was. I would go home any hour or two I had off.. because well..

I love sleep. 🙂
and eating.

Like my skinny cow ice cream I am about to demolish. Strawberry Shortcake if you wanted to know.

;D

Goodnight xo

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I seriously hate writing titles.

Just like I have been telling clients and future clients, if you want something bad enough you need to make an effort. This sentence is so vague yet carries such a meaning. There I am simply talking about training, getting active, giving a shit about your body. Here, I am talking about writing. I just need to make the time to sit down and express my thoughts (because we all know I am fucking full of them).

That being said, I just got back from 30 minutes on the stair master, sipping on a protein shake and listening to Marley sleep. I don’t have to be back for a couple hours, thanks to a shift spilt M-W. I actually love it. I have a break in between my day to rest, work out, get shit done. Off Thursday, work half day friday then the rest of the weekend. The weekend is pretty chill though, took some time getting use to having been off weekends for 2 years, but after yesterday, I don’t mind working them at all.

So I’ve been super nervous. Never having one sales position, working full time since I was 15, kind of tackled my confidence from the start. Lucky for me I love fitness and I will believe in it till the day I die, so talking to these people just comes naturally at times*. Lol.. Yes at times. Listen, I have been “training” for 2 weeks now. Diagrams, after presentation, after completely boil room esque meetings with the directors (not to mention, THE ONLY FEMALE), over and over and feel pressured to know the basic workout even, felt insincere. But the more and more I just talk to these people, like truly talk to them, it makes everything okay. I just want these people to feel comfortable. I know that 50% of you know that it’s a sales job, but no one can make you do something you don’t want to do. I mean take working out for example. It’s the reason you’re in the gym in the first place, and most likely you are a new member, so who stopped you from achieving your goals in the first place? Why are you here?

I want people to stop hating their bodies. Yes, I sound like a complete fool calling the kettle black and shit but I know what it takes to get there. I am working on them and thats all that I can ask anyone from themselves.

Then again.. Maybe you shouldn’t be taking advice from someone who thinks getting healthy is only an added bonus. I am so caught up on the physical part of working out that being healthy isn’t as important. I feel like if I didn’t give a crap about my body image I’d eat everything in sight. Food is just fucking good.

Anyway if I don’t shut up now I am just going to bury myself and will end up deleting the whole fucking thing and wont redo it, and that would completely miss the entire point of this blog.. you know, about making time.

So with my spilt shit, I am going to do “two-a-days”. Lol aka meaning working out twice in a day. I figure if my happy ass could get to the gym an hour early, to knock out cardio then. However that is probably not going to happen, so last resort is doing cardio or weight and cardio beginning of the spilt shift and end the day with another set of cardio. Either way, I work at a freaking gym. If I can’t stay on the right path, it’s only ignorance. THATTTTTT being said, I haven’t worked out for three days. I ate like you wouldn’t believe on saturday then chilled the fuck out on sunday but still didn’t lift. I’m still feeling pretty good though. Cardio was a little rough today, my legs felt like tree trunks. They kind of look like them too… okay possibly kidding but hence the cardio so, maybe not…

😉

Possibly going to Wisconsin wednesday night, with the boyfriend. He has off thursday friday, I kind of do too but I work a few hours friday night. So I am going to ask if I can work all day Wednesday to make up for it. Shouldn’t be a problem I just have to stay active about getting appointments and making phone calls. Another meeting at NS on wednesday, hoping they don’t make this a weekly occurrence. Yeah they pay for your gas but the miles on my carrrrrr. I am in dire need of new tires and have to wait a week or two. I just need a new car  in general.

Other than that shit is igght. Boyfriend and I are good. I am choosing not to worry anymore. I have really come to the conclusion that everything is meant to happen just the way is has, and will continue to do so. I am no longer afraid of knowing that I simply don’t know.

Simply having faith, M.

 

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Monday 1/83

So yesterday marked the first day of my contest prep, and let me tell you I was a little disappointed.

Slept at the boyfriends on Sunday so it gave me almost an entire hour of extra sleep (I live far from work), so that was nice. Ultimately went about my day as usual as any other. I didn’t eat as much as I would of liked (for some reason my appetite hasn’t been “normal” lately. Going on 2 weeks of being sick), but was still able to consume enough calories to work out.

3 cuttie oranges (idc about fruit sugar this early in prep)
1/2 quest bar
2 chicken breasts with broccoli
1 piece of WW bread with PB
1/2-1c cottage cheese

I got home around 6 and relaxed a bit for an hour and 1/2. Well.. before I got dressed to head out my boyfriend called and said he was going to a bar. Then my friend “forgot” to call me back (when all I wanted to do was just talk to her. I get in weird moods and we play phone tag sometimes but for some reason I just wanted someone to talk to). Checks in @ Xsport with her friend, then at Buffalo Wild Wings with another and apologizes she didn’t call. Well for some reason all this kind of irked me.

Regardless, I headed to the gym and arrived around 7:45pm. I started doing my thing and I could feel my emotions arise. This wasn’t good, but I wasn’t stopping. Instead I started getting more pissed. Pissed at the situations, then pissed at myself for not pushing thru. Well I “gave up” around 8:10.. I just threw in the towel. I walked my sorry ass upstairs to the cardio section and hopped on the treadmill. I finished 45 minutes but that was the end of that work out.

I headed home, ate my meal and got in bed in time for the new Catfish show around 10pm. I was disappointed but at least got something in, even if it wasn’t how I expected my first work out back in 2 weeks.

Laying in bed creeping facebook and instagram, my boyfriend tried calling a couple times, as did Ashley. I ignored both and just wanted to be “alone”. I ended up calling my boyfriend back (and texting Ashley), because as much as I was in my own world I love him dearly. We talked a bit and he wanted me to talk things out with him but the last thing I wanted to do was go back to the reasons I was upset.

That lasted shortly. Something else came up that sparked my insecurities and I just balled. He then continued to tell me how much he loves and adores me but the tears kept falling.

Listen, me telling you I am insecure as fuck doesn’t even scratch the surface. Yes, he has done some things that haven’t made it easy but most of those things wouldn’t of been a problem had I been secure. I just cried. I told him I don’t know if things are going to change, if I am going to change but I know I can’t live like this. It hurts so much, and again… doing this to myself.

HE LOVES ME. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM!??!?!??!?!?! I have never been with someone like him, someone who doesn’t mind reminding me why they love me or how much they love me. When it all comes down to it, it’s me.

..and I don’t know what to do, or if there is anything I can do. Will I be like this forever? All I know is that I love this man so much. So much that any attention he puts out to another human, I am envious of. It’s sick and I am embarrassed.

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“IT”

I want this new year to start off right. I want this new year to be MY year. The year I show not only to other people but more importantly to myself that I can do this and continue to do it.

It? What’s “it” exactly?

It would be my dedication, my motivation, my will to succeed. “It” would be my hard work, my happiness within myself.

encouragement24

I have come along way, fallen off a few times, but I am currently in the right direction. The past 2 weeks I have really put myself first and have gotten in the gym every day, only to see more and more progress which leads me to wanting “this” so much more. It makes you realize that you CAN do this, that you can make a difference. Like I’ve said before the beginning is the hardest but once you get passed the few hurdles I promise things will look up.

What I plan on doing this new year is to really put forth the effort and compete again come March 30. I want this new year to really be my “road to ripped“.

I want to take you fellow readers into my life of competition, the good the bad and the ugly. I want people to experience something that they may be afraid to do. Not only that, I want to show everyone the transformation that could happen if they just put the effort in.

Yes the effort.. the effort, the time, the discipline, and let me tell you once again.. it is SO worth it.

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Change is good, no?

I hate time.

I really do.. I hate that it runs out, that its never guaranteed, and more often than not a pain in the ass to wait for.

Actually.. its always a pain in the ass to wait for. Birthdays, Christmas, starting over after a binge, can never come soon enough!

Now that was actually a pretty lame way to starting this post, mostly because I have about 420 people talking to me and always lose my train of thought every time the phone rings (this is why I need wifi at home). I really didn’t even have much to write about, even pertaining to the introduction of this post but I think its because I cheated HARD this weekend (with the boyfriend, OF COURSE) and know that its going to take a solid week to get back to where I was.. (this is a hard pill for me to swallow. The hardest part about getting to where I want to be is time. I need to be patient and understand that yes the few workouts I do will be my body getting back into things but as long as I keep going I will be one day closer than I was. I need to EMBRACE this not use it as another excuse to binge and skip workouts) 😦 BUT!! not only did I cheat this weekend but I messed up my back last Thursday. I have a feeling of what exercise did it but it didn’t hurt till a few hours later when I got to my boyfriends house. It was a BAD pain that shot down around my lower spine. I ended up getting teary eyed (one because I am gay and always cry, but two because it actually really fucking hurt! Your back is EVERYTHING and having a messed up back would sure as FUCK ruin any lifting goals I may or may not have had) but I was able to fall asleep and stay asleep which is nice. It hurt the next day but seemed to be getting better the next days after that (thank you God!).. Haven’t been to the gym since.

Hmmph.

Mostly because I didn’t want to ruin it any progress being made (better to take precaution before its too late), but mostly because I am one lazy s.o.b.. however lately I have been really going hard (probably the cause of my back pain), and eating clean because of the progress I have been seeing (throw that out the window since this past weekend.. oh brother).. but will definitely be continuing that tonight after work. I really want this and I plan on proving just that. The first two solid weeks I am going to lie low for a bit, getting into the gym around 90 min a day, but after xmas I want to start getting up early and doing cardio. I want to really kick some ass.

I have also been wanting to make some minor changes in my life. I want to quit this job and be in the field that I enjoy, one that brings true happiness. I think that’s my start. My boyfriend is leaving soon and as PROUD as I am for him I am jealous that I continue to allow myself to work here. I don’t want to rush and I don’t want to settle (like I did in the first place) but I know that I can’t stay here for long. The shit this place does to you mentally and emotionally is beyond fucked up. BUT that is another story. I am super stoked for the boyfriend to make this change as it will be 10x better for him. He will be much happier, busier, and will be treated like they give a damn. He does great work and I think its time he starts getting paid what he deserves.. so kudos to you baby && yes, we all know I will be super upset the day that it comes (yes we work together), but I couldn’t be happier for him.

Another minor thing is I want to be more organized (food wise, workouts, life in general). I used to be known as the clean one, the one that always had her shit together. Now.. not so much. I think I have a small case of the ADD’s.. No joke.. My car is always a fucking pig sty my room is never that much better. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?? So obviously I am a little upset about this and WILL be proactive so one day I can relieve some of the stress that comes along with being a fucking mess.

The last thing, which is most important, is working on myself. Obviously this blog is steered in that direction but even so it doesn’t truly make a difference. What I want to do is too FOCUS. I tend to over think about everything in my life and I think this is where I come too dependent on Mike. I spend all this time focusing on him and us that I forget about myself sometimes. I want to go back to when it was easy, I mean it still is but being with someone, someone I truly adore, does make life a little more interesting to say the least 😉 We have fun though and always enjoy each others company so I suppose I need to take the good with the bad (or just find a balance. The damn mystery of life).

Long story short, I just need to take the time out and just breathe. Everything in my life is great and if it isn’t its no ones fault but my own.  Starting today I want to take responsibility for my actions and really start owning up to them. I have so much potential that I am wasting away by worrying (which is getting me no where). I want to give 100% trust back to my boyfriend and enjoy the time we have together. I want to get focused and organized for my own well being.. but I also want to appreciate the life I do live because I’m here, alive and well.

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Giving Thanks.

Finally a post where I have nothing to complain about. Okay well pretty sure I can find something to bitch about but nothing too mood changing. I have been spending a lot of time with family and really putting forth an effort to better myself. I could always be doing more but lets just leave that alone before I get anxious… 😉

Mike met the extended family last night for thanksgiving. He didn’t come for dinner but came shortly after. Everyone was super excited to meet him mostly because I can never stop talking about him. Like here we go.. I have never met a man like him let alone one I can call  mine. He brightens the room up, he puts a smile on my face, he makes me happy like none other, he is truly my gift from God. I am so ecstatic that everyone loves him as much as I do. On the ride home my mom was talking about how different it was when my family met my other boyfriend Dan. It was like night and day and I’m pretty sure everyone could sense it. There’s just something about Mike.. I wish I could explain it better but just know that this is something I pray every day about. Something, someone, I am truly thankful for.

It was nice though, a nice quiet thanksgiving. We all had dinner, digested a bit then played a few games of round robin (a family pastime at EVERY holiday), ate some dessert then took turns playing WII on the big screen downstairs. It was a good time.. a GREAT time interacting and laughing with each other. With everything that has gone wrong in my life, its times like these that make me feel blessed. I have a great loving family and I can’t be more appreciative.

MY family ❤

Dessert ❤

Family Time ❤

I have been eating clean this entire week (yay! go me!) and have been actively going to the gym (again WHOOOHOO!!!). So as I sit here writing this every part of my body is sore. I haven’t been splitting my routine up into body parts like I usually train. Instead I have been doing pretty much full body training. A day or two I wasn’t really feeling it but at-least got my cardio in. I have a little less than 4 weeks for my Fitness Class and really want to pass it with an A. I think I have about 24 more hours to go before I reach an A but its definitely doable. I didn’t go yesterday mostly because Mike and I just laid in bed till 12 but I was exhausted. He left to go spend time with his family and I laid in bed for a little while longer. I had plans to go walk Marley in the Forest Persevere, its about 5.5 miles, with my sister but by the time she declined it was too late for my to go to the gym. So instead I took Marley on a long walk around the neighborhood. We stopped at this jungle gym and Marley had a fun time going up and down the slides. She makes me so happy 🙂 I then got back and had to get ready. I still hadn’t eaten at this time but meh. I knew I would be eating in no time so I just went with the flow. I didn’t eat much even at dinner though (I usually always get seconds!), but definitely had 2 of my moms brownies 🙂 Woke up with a flat tummy so again (omg.),so  nothing to complain about here (for once!.

My plate (minus 2 brownies) 😉

I do however, have things I want to work on. I will continue to work on myself as a person and as my weight is concerned but I want to focus on my relationship with God. I want to work on finding a job where I am appreciated and really start kicking my ass in school. I know that I have a purpose here and I think I am ready to discover it.

Headed to Wisconsin after work with the boy and a couple of his friends. Hopefully eating wont be a problem because I know I won’t be working out like Id like. I did however bring a pair of gym shoes if I get the urge to go for a run. Hey! you never know.

** this post was about giving thanks and although I did say I was thankful for some of the people in my life.. I happened to fail to mention my father and his wife Cathy. I obviously post about my life but not my whole life and I hope one day I will be able to write it in a way that truly depicts what I went through who I went through it with and how it honestly affected me. Until then Ill keep it short. I am truly appreciative of all that you two have done. I know that everything happens for a reason.. things happen just because it can’t  always rainbows and sunshine. I love you two with all of my heart.

*** and now I feel guilty that I didn’t single out MY ONE AND ONLY MOTHER. You know that you are by far my best friend, the true love of my life. We have been through the end of the world and back together and were still as strong as ever. We have come a long way mom but where here where we are for a reason. We may not have much but we have our faith and we will always have our faith. Day in day out mom I am here for you.. well get through this.. in the end, everything will be okay .. if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

I’m going to get you some of these mom.. Look at the one in the corner.. DO what you LOVE.. do what you love mom.. you know.

I really am so blessed with EVERYONE in my life.. I have reconnected with people, I have begun new relationships kept ones stronger, lost a few for the better. With everything that I am always going through, these people in my life have made this journey truly what it is..

So thank you.

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I am staying strong for once.

I have been having anxiety lately.

From the shower, to today at work and I am praying that inside I’ll feel okay. Because in my heart, I know it will be.

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because just ‘ok’ is not enough..

I am not taking care of myself. Plain and Simple.
I just ended a week of eating whatever and blatantly not going to the gym and I feel worthless. My boobs are huge (thanks fat, more importantly thanks birth control), but so is the rest of my body. I’m also pale..as fuck. Which makes me being fat even worse. Fuck. I hate it. No one to blame but who? Oh that’s right, me.

Ugh. I knew what I was doing and how I would feel when it was all over and yet it made no difference. I just hope that after tonight’s workout that I feel everything that I always felt being back in the gym. I NEED it. I know it will take about 2 weeks for me to get back on track..sucks, but at least I am aware.

Going back to the whole not taking care of myself, I don’t know what I am doing, ever. Day to day, my life.. so I suppose this is true. I know squat.

I need to get back to what I enjoyed doing. I need to do something that makes me feel whole, makes me feel like I am actually worth something. I had a going away dinner with the guys at a bar on Friday night and it ended pretty poorly. I got made fun of..again.. like I always do and I just couldn’t handle it. I swear this birth control has fucked me this passed month.. I am all over the place and I am hoping that I gain control soon (again, really putting my faith in God lately.. it’s the only thing I have), because I can’t handle this whole “worthless slob” shit that replays in my head because I am actually starting to believe it. Not sitting on the pity pot, just writing how I’ve been feeling.. Trust me, I’d rather not just sit here and complain but this is all I’ve been going thru for the last week and hopefully writing it down embarrasses me enough to actually do a damn thing about it.

Boyfriend and I are good.. really good actually. I am so in love with this pretty motherfucker it’s ridiculous. He just got a “promotion” here at work, hence the going away party for Eric, and I couldn’t be happier.. okay yes I could.. (babe.. I’m jealous. Even as I sit here this morning and I saw you helping Vitaly with the Audi.. I was thinking how disposable I am.. simple unappreciative and semi unimportant. I know you think differently and I think that’s because you love me, but after Friday nights comment.. its been eating me alive. I NEED to do what I love. I need to feel that I am worth something, that people actually give a shit about.. I hope I never take away any joy or passion that you have for this job. You are by far the most hard working passionate person I have ever laid my eyes on. You my love, will go so far in life and I believe it without a doubt).. I know it’s rude to be jealous but I envy it really. I envy being important.. useful.. actually given a shit about.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO????

I need all of my faith right now.

“I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking, What if I had given everything instead of going through the motions?”

..and its true. I have so much inside of me that I just need a break. I need THAT break and let all my passion seep out. :/

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50/50

Oh, the feeling of feeling sore..

..haven’t felt this in awhile because like I always write about, I am still on my way to finding a balance between my “normal” life and my obsessive relationship with body image. Where instead of worrying about not getting a work out in and enjoying the time in which that time was spent.  It’s hard, and being in a new relationship is even harder. I have been splitting what free time I do have with him and the gym (.. I did take a few weeks off prior to this post but that’s besides the point). The only thing that is hard about this is that I am giving up being happy with myself, for being happy with him. He makes me feel comfortable. He makes me feel okay about the fact that I don’t have my bikini body 24/7. On the flip side, it doesn’t take away how I truly feel inside..  but this give and take thing is sort of wonderful… now if I can only get to love myself a few pounds heavier.

It’s a far fetched “dream” coming from a 23 yr old whose suffered from eating disorders ever since she could remember. However, there is nothing wrong with being in shape. Absolutely nothing. The only problem I see is with how obsessive I get and how I beat myself up if I’m not “up to par” with how I should.. or feel like I should look like. Now.. with that being said, whose fault is it that I am not in as great of shape as I’d like?

This girls.

Fuck. Seriously just fuck. I have no explanation. I have excuses.. that’s for damn sure, but no REASONABLE explanation as to how this makes any sense. I choose what I put into my body. I choose whether or not I am going to the gym, going to finish cardio…

I am my own worse enemy.

..even as I write this, I feel ashamed. Now I have clearly pinpointed the problem, understand the consequences, yet continue to do nothing about it.

Not this time.

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