Tag Archives: Pain

One thing after another..

Things are getting tough. It’s been 4 days since surgery and although I have amazing support, I feel myself falling into depression..

What was suppose to be a 15 minute surgery, turned into 2 and 1/2 hours, putting me to sleep twice, an incision and an extra pin (total of 5).

I was given pain meds, but after the numbness went away no medication seem to help. After a few hours, mike drove me back to the doctors, all the while tears flooded my face. They said they wrapped my hand too tight and prescribed “Mercedes Benz” of pain meds.. Only to realize those didn’t help either..

I’ve been home this entire time, taking off work. Which is hard being a personal trainer and all, considering I don’t get paid but nothing I can do. Not much I can do really, physically.. Any motion any slight pressure hurts like you wouldn’t believe.. So taking my mind off it, is something I’m struggling with.

The only thing I am happy about is the fact that I haven’t fallen to good for satisfaction. In fact, I’ve been losing weight (yes more than likely muscle WHICH SADDENS ME EVEN MORE!!!!), staying “clean” for just about a month now. I figured I wouldn’t be as active so I need to lighten up with the cookies 😛 Though, I’ve have ZERO cravings.. Not even the double layered homemade cake my mom made, made me budge. Success.

But enough of that before my mouth starts watering.. It’s been 3 weeks since I lifted upper body, and only 3 lower body workouts, I have 4 weeks to go. Doesn’t seem like much and could be a lot worse, the here and now sucks. I cry a lot.. Not having a hand, more so excruciating pain when you try to use it, makes you appreciate it that much more. I just wish I could stay positive, I’m praying that I do.

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I cried. I puked. I conquered.

Literally.

I ended up training with H and J at around noon. I was coming back from the body shop, so the gym was on the way. I ended up trying to bail, but figured I needed to get my ass kicked. And kicked it sure got. We didn’t even do much (45 minutes with 3 people training), and I literally cried, and puked TWICE! We did some lunges to stretch before and after actually, but started with the leg press.

Started with 180 pounds, all the way to 360. After we got to 360, we started with it again but drop set -90 lbs each side (so a 45 from each side) till we ended with 180 again. THIS. KILLED. ME. I did stop a couple of times, but I finished. Afterwards, I had to lay down. It felt similar to the pain I felt when I cried at the Hack Squat a month or so ago, but this was entirely worse. I couldn’t keep any position of my legs from keeping them from literally stinging. I laid down and went from dripping sweat to getting the chills. It took me awhile to recover. So long (in my head) that I contemplated telling em I was thru.

Though, I continued. We did some plyo work and weighted hip thrusters. After this we did 4 (or 5.. I think 4), box jump to burpee. 20 of them. Yea…… insert trash can here. We lunged back to our desk and.. insert trash can here… Yea we were all done after that. So……. it was, to say the least, intense.

I miss these work outs. I have been getting it in with a couple different people (lol nvm) and it has been a huge help in regards to hitting different muscles and just always a good time when you aren’t training yourself. My work outs have been good, my eating has been like 75%. Gotta get that shit back up. Here until the holidays I was to be 90% clean, then beginning of Jan back to 100%. I have a lot of goals I am looking to achieve in 2014. I think this will be the year I get my head out of my ass.

We went to Sushi and got my favorite roll. Imo gima or Idk. lmao

We went to Sushi and got my favorite roll. Imo gima or Idk. lmao

Sorry, had too.

Sorry, had too.

A lot has gone on though, so I do apologize for not updating you on my pointless life’s events.. A real close friend (and someone who impacted me deeply) passed away this weekend. We had his wake last night and the funeral was today (Wednesday). RIP Mikey.

Other horrible life altering news has been heard in my immediate family. Don’t feel its appropriate to write here, so I obviously wont. But know that i am praying for you MD.

OH! I got rear ended the first legit snow storm of the year. Sunday or Monday was it? I don’t know, but long story short, she ran. I had to chase her but it’s not like it was hard going 25 miles per hour. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?? My fender is flying, I have a quarter size hole in my bumper and my tail pipe is bent and stained with her paint. L O L. Whatever.. it is what it is. So far, everything has gone super smoothly. *knock on wood*

I FIND YOUUUU!

I FIND YOUUUU!

Atleast Marleys happy theres snow..

At least Marley’s happy there’s snow..

So, as you can tell I have been super emotional lately. I am trying to still figure out my weaknesses and how to overcome them. I am still figuring out who I want to keep close, and who I should back away from.. I just feel that I’ll start getting overwhelmed sooner than later. That is a weakness because I fall victim to it, so I am wondering how I can prevent this knowing beforehand it’ll happen. I know I need to talk to someone.. someone unbiased but I don’t want my past (more so not having a father) to be blamed for this… Or validating my emotions. I don’t need validation I need help on how to tone them down a bit. Ugh! I need a lot. More clients, a degree, a new car.. sanity..

I’m kidding. I am grateful for even being able to feel hate love sadness pain. I want to embrace it. No one is safe.

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Some motivation please!

Motivational Monday eh? Seems about right. Had a shit show of a weekend again resulting in me getting arrested for the 2nd time in the last 3 months. I won’t go into detail about the way the Rosemont police department treated my boyfriend and I only because I have court Dec 13 and will explain from start to finish when I hear the verdict of our court case. My voice WILL be heard.

Any who I want to keep this post simple and to the point. I had a lovely lady text me needing motivation to get back in the gym. At which point I sent a sexy girl on stage just trying to make her laugh when she went further into detail. She explained that she gained a lot of weight and its hard to get back in the gym because its embarrassing. And its true, its such a horrible feeling to have to leave in the middle of a workout because I feel worthless unmotivated, like I’m getting no where. The thing is, is I was getting somewhere. It doesn’t take a day, wont even take a month but as long as you know that every day you are a day closer to feeling better about yourself, you need to hang on.

I have left mid leg press. Tears streaming down my face not giving a FUCK who saw and just walking out because I was so overwhelmed. Finishing 15 minutes of cardio and thinking I am wasting my time. Binging and not working out because of it. I’ve been through all of it and still to this day knowing what needs to be done in order for me to be happy, keeps me going. We all start somewhere, you just have to. It’s going to be hard, its going to suck you’re going to be tired and cranky most likely hungry, but in the end I rather be tired because of two a days at the gym then spending hours upon hours hating myself, hating the person I let myself become.

It sucks to have to write this. I tend to be the one that motivates others and its hard to help when I have been living in self doubt for awhile now. Its like listen to what I say because it will help, but I can’t seem to help myself right now. But I have been, for the last few days maybe even the last 2 weeks I have been putting a lot more effort into myself because it just got unbearable. The only thing I can say is that I hope everyone kicks their own ass and sticks with eating healthy and working out because once you let yourself slip into your old habits its hard to kick them. You get feelings that are beyond describable to where you just want to curl up in bed under the covers and sleep the day away. Ive had many days like this. Ive had days where my attitude changes in the blink of an eye because of my weight. I have skipped going out and enjoying life and friends and a good time all because my clothes didn’t fit right or I’m bloated from drinking a diet coke. My life hasn’t been easy. I’ve dealt with everything from anorexic bulimia and binge eating.I can pick myself apart better than anyone out there, living a life of self worthlessness but I know what I am capable of. and just because I am unhappy with myself right now doesn’t mean I am giving up. I’m ready to work hard.. I’m ready to give it my all. I want to be happy because I achieved something not wallow in my own self pity, but you know what that involves? The first step.

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Dropping all expectations.

The shit I put myself through would make anyone contemplate my sanity.

Work has been putting me in a lot of emotional turmoil and it’s hard to go there for 40+ hours a week knowing its the last place I want to be. Not to forget that I work with my boyfriend and being the only girl there sets myself up for a lot. Certain comments get made, emotions arise.

Crying at your work place sucks dick.

So does crying yourself to sleep at night because you realize you re a lot lonelier than you once thought.

Which directly reflects my texts to my boyfriend last night wanting to break up with him. He begged me not too and told me to think about it. I told him I already have.. and that this was the right thing to do. I woke up this morning to an empty house (my mom left for Boston yesterday afternoon to pick up my sister), and went about my normal routine. I got into my car and turned off the radio and just drove. Tears like always, made their way to the corner of my eyes but I just kept driving. All I could think about was how selfish I am for feeling how I feel sometimes. There are SO many people out there with worse situations yet I am taking out my frustrations on everyone around me.

I am literally pushing away the ONE thing in my life that gives me hope. He loves me for ME. That’s it. It’s THAT simple.. yet I am having the hardest time believing it. I am struggling EVERYDAY to just get through it. He is a great man that will stick my my side thru thick and thin but I find a flaw and instantly pull away? He deserves someone better.. if not better, just someone who isn’t so hurt inside.

Regardless, I haven’t given up. I feel myself in the beginning of this life lesson but can also see me getting out of it. I have yet to learn to love myself but things don’t happen over night. I am trying to be a better girlfriend and give him the love and support he needs but ever so deserves. I am trying to be a better daughter and stop with thinking only about myself. I am trying to rid the acceptance of the name calling at work. I am trying to find my faith.

I am trying.

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**** yeah.

So I know it’s only Wednesday but I am already excited for the weekend.. Regardless I still have a few days to go, so I suppose I should enjoy now, well.. right now!
 
Well first things first.. Yesterday was officially my first day back (in the gym) in 5 days! It didn’t go as planned but I still felt exhausted after it. People kept staring and my clothes were too tight.. and it was fucking hot.. and I was only getting hotter lol.. So I ended up just doing 3 or 4 shoulder exercises. Went as heavy as I could though.. So that is always a plus. I do want to mention to  jlgentry that I did a mile in just under 14 minutes (granted the first 2 minutes I walked).. but I started getting bad cramps .85 of a mile in lol.. At that point I knew I wasn’t going to handle going for much longer.. but a mile was SO CLOSE!! So I kept going.. Had too ..Pain is temporary –> failure is forever –> failure only occurs when you give up  = Don’t give up.… Right?
 
..any who.. I finished and walked on an incline for the remainder of the time. BUT I DID IT!! haha.. Yeah I could of probably kept going but I was trying to focus on anything but these damn cramps. My right calf started first, which I could handle.. but the stomach cramps are the worst.
 
Besides the gym, I have been doing really good with my eating. However like I mentioned in an earlier post that I am allowing myself whatever I want. I know the consequence.. and if I want it that badly, ill deal with it later. But for right now… it is working PERFECTLY! I am even starting to see my top two abs again (FUCKYEAHWHATUP!) and again, haven’t been to the gym in a week 🙂 So… with that being said I had 2 chocolate chip cookies last night. Lmfao. I was only going to have one but my mom randomly barged in my room and brought 3 more in for dude and I.. (awkward).. but I ate another one but left one (yes.. you read that right.. I LEFT A FUCKING COOKIE UNEATEN! Unfuckingreal. lol). I didn’t really think twice like I normally would. I remember years ago when I was working at  X Sport Fitness.. My mom had made cookies and I ate one.. or two probably.. okay 3 or 4 knowing me.. and immediately I went to the gym to burn it off. Fuck that. Never again do I want to be like that. Talk about hating yourself and I was fucking ruthless.
 
So I wanted to find a healthy PB cookie recipe.. and while I’ve been excited about the weekend and getting back into cooking and baking and shit, I saw on CCK’s blog a recipe for skinny vanilla cupcakes. They looked so cute unfrosted.. see:
 
 
Skinny Vanilla Cupcakes

(makes 9-10 cupcakes)

Or click if you’d prefer: Chocolate Cupcakes.

  • 1 cup spelt flour, or white flour, or Arrowhead Mills gf mix (145g)
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 2 tsp ener g powder (or 1 flax or chia egg)
  • 4 tbsp xylitol or sugar (54g)
  • 2 Nunatural stevia packets (or 2 extra tbsp sugar)
  • 1 tbsp pure vanilla extract
  • 1 cup plain or vanilla yogurt of choice (Silk or SoDelicious both work) (230g)
  • 1/4 cup milk of choice (subtract 2 tbsp if using the flax or chia egg) (60g)
  • 3 tbsp coconut or veg oil (can omit, but the cupcakes will be a bit gummy) (36g)

Preheat oven to 350 F, and grease muffin tins. Combine all dry ingredients in a bowl, and mix very well. In a separate bowl, combine all wet ingredients and stir. Pour wet into dry, and mix until just combined (don’t overmix). Cook 18-20 minutes, then let sit at least 10 before removing from muffin tins.

Okayyyy so they still look fanfuckingtastic.. but what about with Reese’s Frosting from CCK?
 
Reese’s Pieces Frosting
 

(Yields almost 1/2 cup)

  • 1/4 cup peanut butter (or other nut butter)
  • 4-8 tsp pure maple syrup (click for a sugar-free alternative)
  • 2 tbsp cocoa powder
  • 4 tsp milk of choice (or more for thinner frosting)
  • 3/4 tsp pure vanilla extract
  • optional: handful of chocolate chips (the “pieces”)

Blend everything (including chips, if using) in a small food processor or Magic Bullet. If you have a bigger processor, it might be best to double the recipe so everything blends more smoothly. Best to store uneaten frosting covered in the fridge.

Or what about making my own cool whip.. Hey have I ever mentioned this before? Leave a open can of full fat coconut milk in the refrigerator overnight.. scoop the clear liquid off the top.. add vanilla.. coconut shreds (if you wish) and stevia..blend.. and there you have whipped cream!!!
 
Now do you see why I am so excited?
 
Oh.. another reason I am excited.. I AM NOW A SPONSORED ATHLETE FOR A NUTRITION COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Hell yeah.  Will go into further detail a bit later..
 
Life is going and I’m going with it..with a huge (mother) fucking smile on my face.
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