Tag Archives: Relationship

50/50

Oh, the feeling of feeling sore..

..haven’t felt this in awhile because like I always write about, I am still on my way to finding a balance between my “normal” life and my obsessive relationship with body image. Where instead of worrying about not getting a work out in and enjoying the time in which that time was spent.  It’s hard, and being in a new relationship is even harder. I have been splitting what free time I do have with him and the gym (.. I did take a few weeks off prior to this post but that’s besides the point). The only thing that is hard about this is that I am giving up being happy with myself, for being happy with him. He makes me feel comfortable. He makes me feel okay about the fact that I don’t have my bikini body 24/7. On the flip side, it doesn’t take away how I truly feel inside..  but this give and take thing is sort of wonderful… now if I can only get to love myself a few pounds heavier.

It’s a far fetched “dream” coming from a 23 yr old whose suffered from eating disorders ever since she could remember. However, there is nothing wrong with being in shape. Absolutely nothing. The only problem I see is with how obsessive I get and how I beat myself up if I’m not “up to par” with how I should.. or feel like I should look like. Now.. with that being said, whose fault is it that I am not in as great of shape as I’d like?

This girls.

Fuck. Seriously just fuck. I have no explanation. I have excuses.. that’s for damn sure, but no REASONABLE explanation as to how this makes any sense. I choose what I put into my body. I choose whether or not I am going to the gym, going to finish cardio…

I am my own worse enemy.

..even as I write this, I feel ashamed. Now I have clearly pinpointed the problem, understand the consequences, yet continue to do nothing about it.

Not this time.

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