Tag Archives: relationships

Redo

I can’t seem to get the words out. I keep erasing shit.

5th time now.

I have a lot on my mind. 6th time.

7th time. I don’t know. Came back from Wisconsin with the boy and his father and it wasn’t as awkward as I expected. 8th. The language barrier issue wasn’t really bothersome. I love his family and I want that to be known, but sometimes its hard not understanding the language they speak. I feel rude and disrespectful, more so left out 😦 But it is what it is and I am slowly learning to deal with things without making an issue first. However, I have to say that even if I do get mad I have like a rebound rate of like 60sec-60min lol. So, it could always be worse!

right…?

Came back friday night, with only one day of fishing. The boy and I slept in till 2pm on friday and his dad got to pissed to go out that late so we just went home. I was down to just drill a hole and fish standing up lol but I think it was his mom’s birthday party that night. As long as he wasn’t too upset, I was alright. Got home and the next night went to the boys work party. I knew most of the people there so it was nice to see them again. However I suck at life and got a super sickening feeling in my gut. As soon as I turn and look some chick is starring me down like we had prior beef type shit. I turn to him and ask him if she worked with him, and he said yes. Like, wtf. I don’t know. I instantly flipped. We got a table to ourselves and I told him I wanted to leave. I wanted to go, he was more than welcome to stay but I couldn’t be in that situation. He told me I have nothing to worry about but I mean come on. I’m secure as fuck, you’ve put me thru some bs before, and she was the only person I wasn’t introduced too. Just all too much to handle sometimes. I may “overreact” but I am simply just explaining my feelings. They are sudden and uncontrollable as far as I know. Trust me, I don’t want to keep feeling like this! What it boils down to, in regards to porn, checking out another chick, awkward stares in front of your girlfriend, I am just jealous of the attention given. All I want is you in like a little fucking bubble. No, NO ONE! lmfao!! Creep fucking status right here.

I just needed a little more time to build this trust then I was given. I was just thrown into a different situation, all too fast, and told to just, “trust”.

Holy shit.

and its like I can’t even explain the feelings I have because they wouldn’t make sense. I try to explain and I just end up babbling. So I just randomly stop and say never mind. Or I get embarrassed that I’m talking so much and leave the other person speechless. Like all I do is talk about his and I’s relationship. Yes, I could probably validate them somehow, blame it on daddy issues or something but I don’t care for that bullshit. I just want to know how I can control them, how I can live with them if all else fails. Having little trust, less communication, and more distance, yea I don’t really think that sounds like the recipe for success in anything really, let alone a relationship… I just can’t fucking grip this simple concept of having faith, accepting the idea that everything will happen regardless of my actions, thoughts or feelings.

That I simply, have z e r o control outside of myself.

So why not work on me? Why not dedicate the time that I spend on worrying on actually doing something good for myself? From working out consistently and meeting my goals, to continuing my education so I can feel secure as a woman not needing the dependency from others. Why not focus on what I AM doing, how I AM feeling? Why not put myself first?

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Dropping all expectations.

The shit I put myself through would make anyone contemplate my sanity.

Work has been putting me in a lot of emotional turmoil and it’s hard to go there for 40+ hours a week knowing its the last place I want to be. Not to forget that I work with my boyfriend and being the only girl there sets myself up for a lot. Certain comments get made, emotions arise.

Crying at your work place sucks dick.

So does crying yourself to sleep at night because you realize you re a lot lonelier than you once thought.

Which directly reflects my texts to my boyfriend last night wanting to break up with him. He begged me not too and told me to think about it. I told him I already have.. and that this was the right thing to do. I woke up this morning to an empty house (my mom left for Boston yesterday afternoon to pick up my sister), and went about my normal routine. I got into my car and turned off the radio and just drove. Tears like always, made their way to the corner of my eyes but I just kept driving. All I could think about was how selfish I am for feeling how I feel sometimes. There are SO many people out there with worse situations yet I am taking out my frustrations on everyone around me.

I am literally pushing away the ONE thing in my life that gives me hope. He loves me for ME. That’s it. It’s THAT simple.. yet I am having the hardest time believing it. I am struggling EVERYDAY to just get through it. He is a great man that will stick my my side thru thick and thin but I find a flaw and instantly pull away? He deserves someone better.. if not better, just someone who isn’t so hurt inside.

Regardless, I haven’t given up. I feel myself in the beginning of this life lesson but can also see me getting out of it. I have yet to learn to love myself but things don’t happen over night. I am trying to be a better girlfriend and give him the love and support he needs but ever so deserves. I am trying to be a better daughter and stop with thinking only about myself. I am trying to rid the acceptance of the name calling at work. I am trying to find my faith.

I am trying.

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I don’t know what’s going on here.

I caught a glimpse of a bad angle of myself in the mirror. I stopped in place. Instant sadness took over. Usually that would cause a binge. It didn’t (thank God).. But it sure made me feel like shit. The only thing that kept me on track was repeating to myself that I need patience. This took a month to undo.. I’m not going to wake up one morning lean. Not going to happen. So I just have to understand (which I do) but I have to have faith that I can keep straight. Here I am trying to help others and I am having the hardest time trying to help myself. Even driving  home yesterday, I realized I literally make myself unhappy.. But for what? What am I getting out of feeling like this? No one knows the pain I feel inside but me.. So it’s not pity or sympathy… Do I just like to cry? Feel sorry for myself?

What. The. Fuck?

I’m unhappy. And I’m bringing people down with me and it disgusts me. This is not the Marissa show here and I’m living like it is.

With that being said, I don’t think I can have a relationship anymore. I thought I was ready.
Far from it.

I don’t want to push anyone out of my life but I need to focus on building a healthy relationship with myself and God first. The two things I should be focusing on, seem to be missing from the to do list entirely.

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