Tag Archives: struggle

Cheesin’ like a motherfucker.

So shit has been going great.. I am staying on track, and keeping up with my workouts.. but the most amazing part of this journey has been falling in love with a great man and on the right steps to loving myself.

They say you can’t fully love until you love yourself. I beg to differ (to an extent). He is the reason I smile and he never fails to put one on my face. He loves me for me, not because of how my ass looks, or whether or not I have abs that day (lol). I know I haven’t really posted about my relationships (mostly because I had none) but figured it took away from the reason I started this blog in the first place. However… it has EVERYTHING to do with it. I have dated assholes who have given me ultimatums regarding competing for a show or staying with that person. I have dated people that think I am shady or cheating on them because I stayed at the gym for one hour too many. I have dated people where I needed to impress them. Never again. I don’t want to have to constantly have a stick up my ass because I’m not feeling “up to par”.. I need to focus on my emotions and really what is causing them. It’s like my whole days goes to shit if I feel that I look like crap, and now.. being with someone that enjoys my company outside of a good body or a pretty face, is life changing. Enjoying life isn’t something I am familiar with, with all these fucked up thoughts constantly running through my brain.

But lately, I feel different. I feel like even though I am the only cause for my interal happiness, he is by far one of the biggest helps in my life. He pushes me to be a better person and truly understands the fight I fight each and every day. He tells me I am beautiful multiply times a day, and I am starting to actually believe it. I don’t need a man in my life (like I did when I was younger), but every part of me wants him.

I have fallen in love with my best friend.

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I got this.

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**** yeah.

So I know it’s only Wednesday but I am already excited for the weekend.. Regardless I still have a few days to go, so I suppose I should enjoy now, well.. right now!
 
Well first things first.. Yesterday was officially my first day back (in the gym) in 5 days! It didn’t go as planned but I still felt exhausted after it. People kept staring and my clothes were too tight.. and it was fucking hot.. and I was only getting hotter lol.. So I ended up just doing 3 or 4 shoulder exercises. Went as heavy as I could though.. So that is always a plus. I do want to mention to  jlgentry that I did a mile in just under 14 minutes (granted the first 2 minutes I walked).. but I started getting bad cramps .85 of a mile in lol.. At that point I knew I wasn’t going to handle going for much longer.. but a mile was SO CLOSE!! So I kept going.. Had too ..Pain is temporary –> failure is forever –> failure only occurs when you give up  = Don’t give up.… Right?
 
..any who.. I finished and walked on an incline for the remainder of the time. BUT I DID IT!! haha.. Yeah I could of probably kept going but I was trying to focus on anything but these damn cramps. My right calf started first, which I could handle.. but the stomach cramps are the worst.
 
Besides the gym, I have been doing really good with my eating. However like I mentioned in an earlier post that I am allowing myself whatever I want. I know the consequence.. and if I want it that badly, ill deal with it later. But for right now… it is working PERFECTLY! I am even starting to see my top two abs again (FUCKYEAHWHATUP!) and again, haven’t been to the gym in a week 🙂 So… with that being said I had 2 chocolate chip cookies last night. Lmfao. I was only going to have one but my mom randomly barged in my room and brought 3 more in for dude and I.. (awkward).. but I ate another one but left one (yes.. you read that right.. I LEFT A FUCKING COOKIE UNEATEN! Unfuckingreal. lol). I didn’t really think twice like I normally would. I remember years ago when I was working at  X Sport Fitness.. My mom had made cookies and I ate one.. or two probably.. okay 3 or 4 knowing me.. and immediately I went to the gym to burn it off. Fuck that. Never again do I want to be like that. Talk about hating yourself and I was fucking ruthless.
 
So I wanted to find a healthy PB cookie recipe.. and while I’ve been excited about the weekend and getting back into cooking and baking and shit, I saw on CCK’s blog a recipe for skinny vanilla cupcakes. They looked so cute unfrosted.. see:
 
 
Skinny Vanilla Cupcakes

(makes 9-10 cupcakes)

Or click if you’d prefer: Chocolate Cupcakes.

  • 1 cup spelt flour, or white flour, or Arrowhead Mills gf mix (145g)
  • 1 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 2 tsp ener g powder (or 1 flax or chia egg)
  • 4 tbsp xylitol or sugar (54g)
  • 2 Nunatural stevia packets (or 2 extra tbsp sugar)
  • 1 tbsp pure vanilla extract
  • 1 cup plain or vanilla yogurt of choice (Silk or SoDelicious both work) (230g)
  • 1/4 cup milk of choice (subtract 2 tbsp if using the flax or chia egg) (60g)
  • 3 tbsp coconut or veg oil (can omit, but the cupcakes will be a bit gummy) (36g)

Preheat oven to 350 F, and grease muffin tins. Combine all dry ingredients in a bowl, and mix very well. In a separate bowl, combine all wet ingredients and stir. Pour wet into dry, and mix until just combined (don’t overmix). Cook 18-20 minutes, then let sit at least 10 before removing from muffin tins.

Okayyyy so they still look fanfuckingtastic.. but what about with Reese’s Frosting from CCK?
 
Reese’s Pieces Frosting
 

(Yields almost 1/2 cup)

  • 1/4 cup peanut butter (or other nut butter)
  • 4-8 tsp pure maple syrup (click for a sugar-free alternative)
  • 2 tbsp cocoa powder
  • 4 tsp milk of choice (or more for thinner frosting)
  • 3/4 tsp pure vanilla extract
  • optional: handful of chocolate chips (the “pieces”)

Blend everything (including chips, if using) in a small food processor or Magic Bullet. If you have a bigger processor, it might be best to double the recipe so everything blends more smoothly. Best to store uneaten frosting covered in the fridge.

Or what about making my own cool whip.. Hey have I ever mentioned this before? Leave a open can of full fat coconut milk in the refrigerator overnight.. scoop the clear liquid off the top.. add vanilla.. coconut shreds (if you wish) and stevia..blend.. and there you have whipped cream!!!
 
Now do you see why I am so excited?
 
Oh.. another reason I am excited.. I AM NOW A SPONSORED ATHLETE FOR A NUTRITION COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Hell yeah.  Will go into further detail a bit later..
 
Life is going and I’m going with it..with a huge (mother) fucking smile on my face.
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One day at a time..

It’s been 5 days since I last worked out, and I feel great.
Surprisingly.

This weekend I didn’t plan around my workout schedule (because I didn’t have one).. nor did I beat myself up over not going. I enjoyed myself. Worry free.

Am I finding my balance?
Am I closer to happiness then I think?

 

🙂

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I don’t know what’s going on here.

I caught a glimpse of a bad angle of myself in the mirror. I stopped in place. Instant sadness took over. Usually that would cause a binge. It didn’t (thank God).. But it sure made me feel like shit. The only thing that kept me on track was repeating to myself that I need patience. This took a month to undo.. I’m not going to wake up one morning lean. Not going to happen. So I just have to understand (which I do) but I have to have faith that I can keep straight. Here I am trying to help others and I am having the hardest time trying to help myself. Even driving  home yesterday, I realized I literally make myself unhappy.. But for what? What am I getting out of feeling like this? No one knows the pain I feel inside but me.. So it’s not pity or sympathy… Do I just like to cry? Feel sorry for myself?

What. The. Fuck?

I’m unhappy. And I’m bringing people down with me and it disgusts me. This is not the Marissa show here and I’m living like it is.

With that being said, I don’t think I can have a relationship anymore. I thought I was ready.
Far from it.

I don’t want to push anyone out of my life but I need to focus on building a healthy relationship with myself and God first. The two things I should be focusing on, seem to be missing from the to do list entirely.

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Day 22 #healthygirlproblems

8am I have been broke all week because a small shopping spree, and me having to pay for school, so I have $21 till tomorrow morning.  I didn’t have food to take to work this morning (I got lazy so its my own fault), and just so happens my gas light turned on.. well since I didn’t want to ask my mom or take money out of my savings, I decided to put $5 in my gas tank and leave the rest for my blackened chicken breasts from Whole Foods. I guess I’ll figure out how to get home later 😉

#healthygirlproblems.

830am Myofusion Protein Shake LIKE USUAL.

9am Learn that 4 students were shot at an Ohio High School. Please pray for a safe recovery.

The reason I am so tired this morning is because I stayed up late having “deep” (lol) conversations with someone, and this topic was brought up. About how people are inhumane. How people could look so “normal” on the outside and be so morally corrupted inside. I was never always a good girl, but I couldn’t DREAM up some of this stuff that people do (killing animals, brutal murders, ext). It’s just so unbelievable that people could honestly do some of the things that go on in this world.
905am I prayed for the first time in awhile. It felt so good.
1015am I am hungry. Drinking tea and a diet coke. Will eat a lara bar in about 30 min or so.
1207pm Super hungry. Had a PB Chocolate Chip Lara bar. It was actually pretty good, but I got to be careful of the ones with the CC’s bc they have sugar in it (not sure if its natural). Gonna head to Whole Foods again for my chicken breast.
Is it weird that I am super excited to get off work everyday and work out? Lol
I was so spoiled before when I was a personal trainer. I got to work out whenever I had free time. I was literally at the gym from 6am to 8pm (sometimes 10pm depending where I was with training for the competition). But no joke, it wasn’t even like going to work. I LOVED my clients (for the most part haha) and enjoyed going to work everyday for the WHOLE day. One day though, one day I’ll be back. I had a little taste of what I want to do for the rest of my life, and now I’m just creating a path, something I can be excited about and PROUD OF. Something I can feel like I accomplished by myself (I’m still trying to see my strengths and what I’m “good at”). I do know that I will be in the fitness industry or something pertaining to it for the rest of my life. I don’t see myself not caring about my body, or helping others feel good about themselves. I know one day I am going to finally feel like I “used everything God gave me.”
Actually that’s a really good quote, I’m googling it:

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.”

SO powerful <3.

1pm I went to whole foods, and got 2 blackened chicken breasts. Honestly every time I go into Whole foods I get excited.. More #healthygirlproblems? LOL. Btw I googled to see if I could make a website or something, but some girl already has it AND IS NOT GIVING IT ITS FULL POTENTIAL! I wonder if I could like…. buy it off her.. I think its a great freakin idea.  Not to mention my “facebook friends” have said they want a Bad Boy of the Day, as well as Bad Bitch of the Day// lol I thought that was kind of funny. I just don’t know how it would all work.. Ill think about it.

So anyways I left Whole Foods only $9.57 later. CHEAPEST TRIP TO WHOLE FOODS EVER!! and I ate one of my chicken breasts in the car. Is that weird? actually I really am weird.

230pm and I’m eating Justin’s Chocolate Almond Butter packet (180 cals), stomach is already growling.

Not sure what I want to do today in the gym. I just did legs on Saturday so I’m waiting till tomorrow to do those again. My arms , more specifically my tri’s, hurt like a bitch. Which is great, because my arms NEVER are sore the next day. I also think my arms are the weakest part of my body. I would LOVE nice defined arms. ❤ ❤

SO fucking sexy.

Btw forgot to take a progress pic. Don’t mind though, I’m really more worried about 9 weeks and later (9 weeks is usually where most people start dieting, depending on their off season).
5pm Ate 1/2 of the other chicken breast IN MY CAR, like the first one.. Seriously here I am banging my dub step with a huge chicken breast in my hand. Just IMAGINE IT!
630pm Ate the other 1/2 of the chicken breast, 1/2 of a lemon lara bar, a cutie (orange thing), and the last 2 PB&J squares.
8pm Finally got to the gym! Super excited about working out. I have no idea but I honestly feel like a whole new person. Ive stopped letting people get to me. Ive stayed positive when life takes its turns, and overall I just live life with out fear. And thats something that I could NOT say a few years ago, probably even a month ago.

I am F E A R L E S S !

So I hit the gym with probably one of the best attitudes that I have had in a LONG time. I first hit Assited pull ups (can’t wait to do these on my own, superfuckingexcited). I then went to a unilateral row (went pretty heavy here). Follwed by a super set consisting of a Wide grip row and a pullover. Then ended with some machine I actually have no idea what it is called (went heavy here too). I finished up with 5 minutes of planks and 20 minutes of the stair master. I feel fucking AWESOME!

930pm Came home and made a protein shake (myofusion banana and pb2 ice water) tastes great 🙂 Finishing up the blogs, updates, emails, and then gonna call this one an early one. Sorry today was kind of boring.. Not much going on. 😉

My lift big eat big sweatshirt ❤ 

And for some reason I look super skinny. Idk why..  
Def excited about this change though. It’s only gonna get better from here on out. Have faith, and everything else seems easy.

Goodnight ❤ 

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