Tag Archives: Tears

I needed this..

“Sometimes the best thing that you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess, just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.”

This is how today went (9/10)..

Mom had surgery on her foot not too long ago.. friday I believe. So she is a little crippled at the moment. No big deal.. except my mom gets flustered and cranky at the drop of a dime.. which I do too so I know how it feels/goes… So she must have been in one of her little moods and started talking about getting rid of my dog Marley.. for the second fucking time might I add. I had to get rid of her once because we moved.. took her back because she wasnt getting along with the other dog. A few weeks went by and my mom told me I really had to get rid of her, so I had an ex bf help me out and we found a home for her. I wasnt happy and it hurt every day I didn’t have her but I needed to do what I needed to do. I was put in a position that I really didn’t have a choice in so, so be it.  I think maybe a month went by and she came into my room crying, telling me I need to get Marley back. So I did. Now fast forward a few more months and were back to today.. Now Marley is a lot to handle. She gets overly excited and wants to be up in everyone’s grill. I personally love it, but not everyone loves the smell of dog breath. Well with that being said, my mom told me that she thinks I need to get rid of her.. so while I am trying to get ready in the morning she’s pretty much picking a fight with me. I stopped talking, made my protein shake and left.

On my way to work, radio turned off like I have been doing for some weird ass reason, I sit and think. I have about 45 min dedicated to me over analyzing every possible situation in my life. 45 minutes to dwell on everything that’s going wrong.. 45 minutes to sit on the pity pot..but this time.. I had 45 minutes of prayer. I literally grab the steering wheel and just talked to God. I pray for mom a lot, but lately I’ve been so selfish it’s about me and what I need.. like faith. I need to put more faith in the unknown. I need to realize that worrying really has no purpose in life and the only thing that holds me together is that everything will be okay. I literally remind myself of this constantly.. repeating it over and over…. so meanwhile I am doing my thing, talking to God, and a tear managed to escape from my eye no matter how hard I tried to stop it. I quickly wiped it from my face and kept driving like nothing ever happened..
..Work was a little different today. One of the dudes that has been there for quite some time, put his two weeks in. Via email. Like a bitch. Sorry.. but if you met this dude, you would wish you didn’t. I’m sorry Eric.. if you ever read this for some bizarre fucked up reason, know that you need to learn how to become a better person. Youre vindictive and manipulative and you hurt so many people along the way. I honestly never understand why people do the things they do.. no conscience? no soul? to each their fucking own, but leave me the fuck out of it. So yeah, that’s been kind of the big talk around the shop lately.. Everyone is pretty stoked. Him leaving is best for everyone.
Amen.
Ate pretty good today. Had my morning protein shake, brought Greek yogurt, a banana, whole wheat pasta, and my leftovers from last nights dinner with the boy.

My Meals for the Day:

Lunch 🙂

At around 530 or so (I get off at 5, boy gets off at 6), I hung around for a bit. The boy and I started talking, and like it always does with my big ass mouth, gets kind of escalated to where I just walk away. The emotions that over come me.. would drop jaws. So I turned and walked away and he called for me back, telling me how unfair it was that I got to speak but how I am just bailing on him, giving him no opportunity to explain himself. So I walked back, he was right, so I took a couple of breaths and just stood there. We talked a little more and then got interrupted (we usually always do.. they like to tease us now that they know were together lol).. And so a few of us stood around and talked (mostly with Eric about him leaving and how much of a “piece of shit” Ron is), and I happened to open my mouth one too many times. It was awkward..luckily I saved my self those couple of times and no one caught on..after the 4th fucked up thing I said I had to excuse myself. I got into my car and dipped. About 500ft later, I see a text from the boy asking me to say for a second. I reversed all the way back into the parking lot and waited for him. He talked some more.. he explained himself and we continued to talk. It’s exactly what I needed. I have been so fucking consumed by our relationship that its been eating me alive. All I think about is one day waking up and him telling me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, or he’s found someone else, or cheated on me, or even WORSE getting back with his bitch of an ex (sorry lisa if YOU ever read this for some bizarre fucked up reason, you’re a straight mean fucking person).. phew.. anywho.. it’s been all i’ve been thinking about lately.. but I have been trying to tell myself that I don’t need this. I’ve been trying to coach myself into telling him that were better off as friends, but realized I might as well wait it out.

So after a shit load of tears literally escaped.. I’m not kidding.. we were laughing at me crying because it just wouldn’t stop. I kept choking up. This man is like no one I have ever had in my life before. He is truly amazing in every way and I get giddy inside when I look at him knowing he’s all mine. Knowing I have his heart.. knowing were in love with each other. I’m not going to say love is hard (because when its true love, it’s not something you have to try at.. hold me to this.. you work together but there’s no “hey im trying to love you” bullshit).. but staying on the same page has been for us, and that’s all I ever wanted.. was to be on the same page. I don’t want to be in a relationship that someones in just because.. I don’t want to go thru another heartbreak any time soon. I know I’ll be okay, and “it” will be okay, but heartbreak really is like losing a loved one (like my last post).. it hurts the soul, it hurts to breath…
..but it happens.. and most of the time you get over it.
Regardless.. I still want to give us my all. All I needed was this talk. I needed to hear you say that you want to be with me. I needed to hear you say that it’s all okay and will be okay. I needed the reassurance.. I needed the kiss at the end that made me feel loved.. I even needed the tears that fell down my face..
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Dropping all expectations.

The shit I put myself through would make anyone contemplate my sanity.

Work has been putting me in a lot of emotional turmoil and it’s hard to go there for 40+ hours a week knowing its the last place I want to be. Not to forget that I work with my boyfriend and being the only girl there sets myself up for a lot. Certain comments get made, emotions arise.

Crying at your work place sucks dick.

So does crying yourself to sleep at night because you realize you re a lot lonelier than you once thought.

Which directly reflects my texts to my boyfriend last night wanting to break up with him. He begged me not too and told me to think about it. I told him I already have.. and that this was the right thing to do. I woke up this morning to an empty house (my mom left for Boston yesterday afternoon to pick up my sister), and went about my normal routine. I got into my car and turned off the radio and just drove. Tears like always, made their way to the corner of my eyes but I just kept driving. All I could think about was how selfish I am for feeling how I feel sometimes. There are SO many people out there with worse situations yet I am taking out my frustrations on everyone around me.

I am literally pushing away the ONE thing in my life that gives me hope. He loves me for ME. That’s it. It’s THAT simple.. yet I am having the hardest time believing it. I am struggling EVERYDAY to just get through it. He is a great man that will stick my my side thru thick and thin but I find a flaw and instantly pull away? He deserves someone better.. if not better, just someone who isn’t so hurt inside.

Regardless, I haven’t given up. I feel myself in the beginning of this life lesson but can also see me getting out of it. I have yet to learn to love myself but things don’t happen over night. I am trying to be a better girlfriend and give him the love and support he needs but ever so deserves. I am trying to be a better daughter and stop with thinking only about myself. I am trying to rid the acceptance of the name calling at work. I am trying to find my faith.

I am trying.

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Marley and me.

I think Marley knew something was wrong last night. She likes sleeping with my mom and whenever I close the door she sits by it till she realizes it’s not going to open. Instead of doing that, she cuddled up and became the little spoon almost instantly. As her head rest on my arm, I started crying. She knew, looked up and licked the tears running down my face. She makes me at peace.

This morning.

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What are you proud of?

I couldn’t even answer the question.

Literally minutes of silence as I stare out the window searching for something.. ANYTHING to say.
Yet for once in my life, I had nothing.
Nothing to say, but I’m sure the tears that fell down my face said enough.

Subject changed (my ADD probably), as a comforting hand rubbed  my back and thigh. Reassuring me that everything is okay.

But is it?

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Day 21 If I have no love I am nothing

One of the most inspiring quotes/pictures I have ever came across ❤

 

I remember days where I thought life was too hard to handle. I pleaded with God to take my life. I have cried myself to sleep. I have been down dark dark roads. I have done things I shouldn’t have, and I have hurt people I shouldn’t of. But as I write this today, just know that I too thought I would NEVER see a brighter day. I sit here though, never BEEN HAPPIER. Yes my life is FAR from perfect, but when you are given the gift of life each day and you learn to love not only yourself and others but the big man upstairs, life changes. Not in a drastic way where people will stop and ask questions or envy you, but in your heart, in your mind and soul where it is needed most. You will wake up each day and say thank you Lord for another day to live through you. And I will live through him. He has shown me that I can get through anything. That I can be a strong individual with so much love and passion for people. I can finally say that I am truly happy 🙂
Have faith in God.
Know that he is with you and will help you get through life’s struggles. He does NOT give you anything you cannot handle.

Nor are you alone.
As lonely as the path your leading down may feel like, just breathe.
Know that you are here for a reason and you have a purpose.

Anything that you need help with, take a second and ask for HELP. It does not mean you are weak, it just means you need guidance, you need to feel like someone has your back. That if you fail, someone will be there for you.

When no one else is there, and you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. When you beg God to take your life. When you go down the wrong path. When you are suffering.
HE IS THERE. He WANTS to help you. Just put your faith in God.

He is OUR support.

 

8-930am I woke up for church. Made my Myofusion Protein Shake. Waited for my mother to get ready. and we kind of got in a little huff. I was just hot and aggravated. I couldn’t find my garage door opener, and we were on the verge of being late (MY MOTHER DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF TIME). And I HATE being late, for anything!

10am We got to church. I apologized for how I was acting. I hate acting like a spoiled bitch to my mom. I fucking love her more then anything and I do not understand how I have such a low tolerance when it comes to me getting angry. It’s honestly like if I’m too hot (temp wise) that for some reason I am SO annoyed with everything around me. It would almost be better if I just didn’t talk to anyone when I’m pissy. I def need to work on that.

 

So we get to church, this is my first time at this Harvest. I’ve been to Harvest before but this one is a lot smaller but it was cool. As we were singing of course I got all teary eyed. Then when the pastor was talking about a college boy who wrote in for a prayer I like lost it. I started crying and had to get up and get tissues. THEN we went into small groups for about 30 min at the end and the one lady was talking and she had tears in her eyes and as soon as I saw them I started crying again. I have no idea why. I honestly think its because I just want to com fort all these people.

Even here on wordpress I see people struggling and I just want to make everything better. I want to open my arms and my heart for them. It just makes me so sad. Idk. I also think its because I haven’t cried in a while (which I think is a good thing for me lol). I am a very emotional person. lol

 

I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle.  I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.  ~Mother Teresa

 

Ok.. so that was my little moving experience today. Oh how I’ve learned to appreciate the days 🙂
It’s about quarter to 1. I am going to finish cleaning and my laundry and then I will head to the gym.

Bi’s and Tri’s today. Ugh and a shit ton of core work.

Justina is suppose to come over but she hasn’t texted me and its 1pm already. My weekends usually consist of working out cooking and cleaning and I RARELY find time to hang out with people. I don’t mind it actually. I am trying to FIND and CREATE myself and the world is a dark place with many temptations. Besides I like have 2 days where I have NO schedule and no alarm clock set 🙂

3pm Went and did my arms workout. It consisted of hammer curls, BB curls, skull crushers, bench dips and assisted dips, and sort of a triceps push down. I also did 5 minutes of planks =D

430pm Had a green smoothie and just relaxed a bit. I put greens, mango, banana, fiber and ice. This one tasted a little funky and I think its because I put in a green mixture… Ol well.

605pm Bored as fuck, and being lazy. Justina wanted to come over but she wouldn’t get here till 7, I’m a horrible entertainer, and right now I’M BROKE AS F U C K. no joke. I have $20 till Tuesday AM. NOT COOL. Blame it on online shopping and buying organic food. FML. lol and the fact that I owe 2 GRAND FOR MY MAC BOOK! hahaha but I love it so its allll good ❤

I am going to finish up my blog, eat another meal at 7pm. OH I made parmesan crusted chicken last night and it was dank as shit. My mom loved it. Too bad I’m cutting cheese out of my diet so probably won’t eat that again…. MAYBE.. That and PB (except PB2). Not excited but theres too much shit in it. I’m gonna take it easy tonight. Just like I do every weekend haha.

 

 

Goodnight ❤

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