Tag Archives: training

No, this post was not hacked. I’m just growing up. 

I find myself grinning from ear to ear inside, so no one knows. All they see is this poker face I display for the world to see. 

That’s all they get. I’m special. I know I am. I am going places in life and although I’ve been treading water for some time now, I have yet to exhaust all my efforts. 

My time will come. Until then, I am enjoying this road of self discovery. School is tough. Probably always will be considering I will continue attending full time and working full time.. But this won’t be forever. The projects I have due mainly involve life experiences, and in doing so, I am finding my life to be quite impressive. My mother was right, (okay Justine you were too), I don’t give myself enough credit. When I get stopped by random members at the gym and go into a little detail of my hectic life, their reactions alone make me aware of just how hard I am working. 

Clients in the morning, school for a few hours, then back to another location to train 8 or so clients. Everyday I clock in to one or another location. I find the 12 minute tan, or a late start of 11 on Fridays, to be my down time. I’m usually tired, can squeeze in a cat nap here and there.. But don’t mind being incredibly busy because I feel if I had nothing to do, I’d do just that.. nothing. At one point I felt worthless because I wasn’t doing anything with my time .. And now that I have none to spare, it makes you appreciate the simplest things.. (Or make you quite irritable when people don’t respect it). 

I thank God every day for finally opening my eyes.. my heart.. but more so my mind. The woman I am becoming is something to be proud of. 

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Birthday, Binging and Bitching.

Well well well.. If you would look at that… what’s it been.. over a week now?

In that case, lets take a look into what I have been doing, or have not been doing with a little recap, and random as hell pictures I have taken through out the week…

So, life caught up to me and I have been having a lot of ups and downs. Still trying to feel afloat and stay positive thru everything that’s been thrown at me. I guess that’s all you can do right? A long story short, the week drastically turned for the worse when I visited my college looking for a few answers and was left with nothing. Literally nothing. No financial aid, nothing. I have no idea what went wrong but without help I cannot afford to go. Though, I am taking that with a grain a salt and focusing on spending that time studying for my NASM certificate. My certification that I have now, doesn’t expire for a little less than a year, but I want to refresh myself. I also want a more recognized certification, not some run of the mill one that I currently have.

Progress shot, before I went all ape shit on thousands of calories..

Progress shot, before I went all ape shit on thousands of calories..

Spent friday before work, walking pitbulls at a rescue.

Spent Friday before work, walking pit bulls at a rescue.

After school took a dump on me, I was feeling insecure about the relationship I have with my boyfriend. Things have been super rocky and this takes a total toll on my life. I can’t allow that anymore. I am done over analyzing and not trusting him. Because in the end, I AM THE ONE SUFFERING!!! I am no longer holding my true self hostage over some one else. Yes, I still love him and will love him and will continue the relationship as long as its healthy, but no more doing what I have been doing to myself. Nope. Not going to happen. I would rather lose the relationship than myself.

Yes, some of these pictures are going to have nothing to do with what I am talking about. But thats because telling you what I ate, is well.. rather boring. So instead, just look.  Greek yogurt, blueberries and Kashi cereal.

Yes, some of these pictures are going to have nothing to do with what I am talking about. But that’s because telling you what I ate, is well.. rather boring. So instead, just look.
Greek yogurt, blueberries and Kashi cereal.

Whole Wheat pasta, Ground Turkey and Tomatoes.

Whole Wheat pasta, Ground Turkey and Tomatoes.

Eating a ton of Quest Bars lately. JUST GOT THE WHITE CHOCOLATE RASPBERRY!!!!

Eating a ton of Quest Bars lately. JUST GOT THE WHITE CHOCOLATE RASPBERRY!!!!

Lets jump around to another day shall we? One night we went to his buddies house, after we got some food at Jason’s Deli. I got a whole wheat wrap with spinach and turkey. Or should I say, a spinach wrap with a side of turkey. I was a little disappointed. Had mixed steamed veggies on the side as well. Though shortly after, my stomach started hurting. I ended up spending the entire time on the total debating whether I should move, or if I was in fact going to puke. Lets just say, I made it to the couch safe and sound. Now, this wasn’t exciting but this lead to my binging.

Binged on these too. Healthy or not. Recipe is from Chocolate Covered Katie:     2 cups spelt flour (250g) (All-purpose also works, and a reader had success with Bob’s gf mix plus 1 tsp xantham gum)     1/2 tsp plus 1/8 tsp salt     1/2 tsp cinnamon     2 tsp baking powder     1/2 cup sugar of choice or xylitol (100g)     pinch pure stevia, or 2 tbsp more sugar of choice     1 tbsp apple cider vinegar or white vinegar (15g)     1 cup milk of choice (240g)     1 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract (6g)     3 tbsp vegetable or coconut oil (30g)     1 1/3 cups fresh blueberries (165g) Preheat oven to 350 F, and grease a muffin tin or line with muffin liners. In a large mixing bowl, combine first 6 ingredients very well. In a separate bowl, whisk together all remaining ingredients except blueberries. Pour wet into dry, stir until just evenly mixed, and then add the blueberries. Gently stir again, but only until evenly mixed. It’s important to not over-stir and break the berries. Pour into the muffin tins and bake 19 minutes. Muffins should look perfectly domed when you take them out. Allow to sit 10 minutes before removing from the tins. Makes 14-15 muffins.

Binged on these too. Healthy or not. Recipe is from Chocolate Covered Katie:
2 cups spelt flour (250g) (All-purpose also works, and a reader had success with Bob’s gf mix plus 1 tsp xantham gum)
1/2 tsp plus 1/8 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup sugar of choice or xylitol (100g)
pinch pure stevia, or 2 tbsp more sugar of choice
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar or white vinegar (15g)
1 cup milk of choice (240g)
1 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract (6g)
3 tbsp vegetable or coconut oil (30g)
1 1/3 cups fresh blueberries (165g)
Preheat oven to 350 F, and grease a muffin tin or line with muffin liners. In a large mixing bowl, combine first 6 ingredients very well. In a separate bowl, whisk together all remaining ingredients except blueberries. Pour wet into dry, stir until just evenly mixed, and then add the blueberries. Gently stir again, but only until evenly mixed. It’s important to not over-stir and break the berries. Pour into the muffin tins and bake 19 minutes. Muffins should look perfectly domed when you take them out. Allow to sit 10 minutes before removing from the tins. Makes 14-15 muffins.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Quest Bar. Ftw.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Quest Bar. Ftw.

Yes, you read that right. I, for the first time in MONTHS, binged. I believe it started Sunday night, or mid afternoon. I don’t know what got into me, but after going a month without cheat meals, I went crazy. Waffles and ice cream, chocolate up the ass. Literally.. carbs for days. I don’t know if I was just drained, mentally.. or deprived.. or depressed.. but I definitely stress ate the fuck out of everything in sight. Maybe it was because I knew my birthday was only days away.. but then again that would just be a validation and fuck those. So.. Monday was an all or nothing.. then it led to Tuesday as well. By Wednesday (my birthday), I believe I was alright. I got a work out in (the first one of the week) and continued to eat good.. That is till I got home. I told my boyfriend I was binging (which is the first time I have ever admitted to it) and he felt pretty bad. I think it was because he ended up bringing a pie over (again, for my birthday) and didn’t want me to feel anymore guilty. But let me tell you. I was looking forward to it and regardless of whatever was going on inside my head, it was birthday and I was going to eat it regardless.

Birthday dinner @ Texas de Brazil.

Birthday dinner @ Texas de Brazil.

So, I spent my birthday pretty low key. Hung around the house, got to sleep pretty early. Thursday I had to be up at 4am because I had to wash my spray tan off (L O L) and had clients starting around 5am. Eating wise, I did okay. Snuck a few bites of pie in but nothing too crazy. Wonder why? well let me just cure your curiosity. The boy and I went to an all you can eat meat buffet. Yep. Texas de Brazil 🙂 I knew that going on an empty stomach wasn’t the smartest idea, as you may or may not believe. So I made sure I ate a little previously to eating dinner. THe night didn’t go as planned but I am not going to go into detail about it because I plan on moving on and remembering the good times. After we left for dinner, we rented a movie and got a small thing of ice cream. He mentioned going to the casino but by this time it was around 11pm and anyone that knows me even the slightest bit knows that by 11pm I want to pass the F out.. However.. I was actually open to the idea. After bumming around for 30 minutes we headed out. We only spent about an hour there. The first machine we sat down next to, I ended up winning $75. That was nice. Considering I have been to many casinos and HAVE NEVER WON BEFORE! I ended up cashing out, giving the boo back $20 and kept $40 in my pocket so I would be up all night. Left the casino and headed to bed.

Now we have today. Ate a pretty healthy “breakfast” at around 2pm and hung out with each other till I hate to leave for work at 3. I got to work and trained 2 clients, and then….. had 6 cancellations. Yep. So I ended up half assing a work out, went to the store for a few things and arrived home around 7:30pm.

Now.. a recap of what I have learned this week:

I needed to take a break from eating as clean as I did for 4 weeks.
I cannot depend on someone for my own happiness.
I can eat a lot.

Basically that sums up everything. But since this is a road to ripped, fitness enthused blog. I wanted to take a little look into what this week really meant. I believe that everything happens for a reason. That being said, I truly believe I needed this week “off” to gain control back. I needed to take a look at myself, whether it was in disgust (I mean.. come on. How would you feel THOUSANDS OF CALORIES later???), or in a positive manner. I ended up gaining 7 lbs and although I felt like crap the days I ate like crap (coincidence?), I was physically and mentally drained. I am currently 13 weeks out from another bikini show (which is a huge amount of time), and excited to get back on track. Because although I was LOVING the progress I was making, everything seemed like a chore to me. I was excited about working out (WHEN I was working out) but prior everything about the day was just annoying me. Prepping my meals, working out for however long, dealing with people and clients who didn’t take training seriously, or whatever it was… it was on my last nerve.

7lbs heavier. Just another reason to get my head out of my ass.

7lbs heavier. Just another reason to get my head out of my ass.

So, what I am trying to say, is that sometimes we all need just a mini “vaca” away from our every day life once in a while. Especially if you are competing or working out tremendously throughout the week, you have to LISTEN to your body. NO! I am NOT saying to binge in any way shape or form.. but give yourself a break. If you want a PB&J sandwich.. have that motherfucking PB&J sandwich. This is LIFE.. you are supposed to enjoy it. Don’t fall victim to becoming obsessive and unhealthy about what you are doing. Training should give you a mental toughness on what you can endure. It is a way of life. It is supposed to help motivate you to make healthier decisions, to live longer, to be HAPPY and in LOVE with the person that’s looking back at you in mirror. Try to find a balance. We all just need to find a balance.

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Happy.

Doing pretty good lately. Things are slowly starting to come together and I couldn’t be more happier. This is by far the longest I have gone with out bingeing or beating myself up over food or extra calories. I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon either. It just feels so good.

Granted I still have my bad days, the ones where I don’t want to get out of bed (mostly due to being sore lol) but nothing has ultimately stopped me dead in my tracks just yet, or have tried to derail my progress (fingers crossed!). Yes everything still isn’t how I imagined it but I am having fun on this little journey of mine. I have been training with a co worker of mine, like previously mentioned, and I am so ecstatic by it. Not only is he helping me physically, but mentally as well. I am slowly but surely becoming a better trainer and I couldn’t thank him enough. He is truly fantastic and deserves a lot more credit then being mentioned in my blog. I have reached new limits and improving just about everything in regards to working out. I think it has definitely helped in every aspect of my life. Funny how such a small part of life could open the eyes to something bigger.

I just feel better…

My promotion papers have been sent in and I am looking forward to that. Hopefully it will be enough where I don’t have to quit training completely but who knows.. time will tell. Other than work and working out (even though that’s mainly.. about 70% of my life.. the other 30% is sleeping.. fersure).. the boy and I have been doing well too. Went to Great Lakes Drag Strip last night, and although at first I was in a bad mood, it wasn’t so boring. Not that it usually is or anything but I was super tired and didn’t feel like babysitting for hours.. if you know what I mean 😛 My girls came through and I think that helped a lot. Got pissed for about 15 minutes because I hate vindictive females but nothing a burger couldn’t fix. Damn.. talk about emotional eating eh? But seriously.. I haven’t really had a cheat meal and figured eating a burger (with the top part of the bread missing. Not because of the carbs, more so because they put CHEESE on it!!!!! If I wanted cheese, I’d ask for a motherfucking cheeseburger..!!! fml lol) would be better than starving (I did have a quest bar in the car I saved for the ride home though..).. and after a little while later the boy insisted on getting a funnel cake. He was actually pretty pissed when I came back from the bathroom without one so, we went together and I stole a few pieces. Nothing to worry about and nothing to get upset about and surely I was not 🙂

Look @ that beautiful smile. Damn..

Look @ that beautiful smile. Damn..

Came home while my mom was still up (and after she almost punted my cat right back outside after he brought home 2 dead baby rabbits. It was so sad).. and offered us a piece of cake. Her homemade cake is so legit. I passed but gave a slice to the boy, only after I stole a bite 🙂 He woke up pretty early and headed to work while I dosed off for a few more hours. Got to work around 10am, had clients till about 1 then worked out for a little less than an hour.

photo 5

mama bears homemade cake 😛

Everything is sore. Tomorrow I am for sure taking a day off.. no active resting no fucking nothing because I can’t handle it lmao. My wrists are achy my forearms hurt.. the middle of my hands hurt.. my shoulders hurt from awkwardly laying down and typing this.. I am just a mess. Definitely going to get some good sleep and just chill the weekend away. Hopefully sunday is nice out so I can get some color, because after those progress pictures this morning.. I sure as fuck need it.. lol.

photo

Look.. my ass looks big.. but its the pants. These two pics (bikini and this one) are 2 days apart. It's an illusion.

Look.. my ass looks big.. but its the pants. These two pics (bikini and this one) are 2 days apart. It’s an illusion.

 

Here have been a few things I have been eating lately.. This is just a reminder that you don’t have to just eat chicken veggies and an apple here and there.. GET CREATIVE! Just be smart about it.. That’s all it really takes..

photo 1

A PB&J on Kashi Waffles

Yes.. I even go to Chipotle! Def after a leg day.. This was actually when I attempted to deadlift 200 something..

Yes.. I even go to Chipotle! Def after a leg day.. This was actually when I attempted to deadlift 200 something..

But take Chipotle for example.. Eating out doesn’t have to be something you can’t/don’t do while trying to live a healthy lifestyle. It is ALL ABOUT CHOICES!! So make the best of them. I got brown rice, veggies, 1/2 steak 1/2 chicken and called it a day..

"Pizza" on a garbanzo bean crust:

“Pizza” on a garbanzo bean crust:

2/3c garbanzo flour
1/4tsp salt
1/4tsp rosemary
1/4tsp thyme

Recipe from: rippedrecipes.com – Go check them out. They have some dope ass recipes!

I have to have meat. I believe this was after a leg day..

I have to have meat. I believe this was after a leg day..

I eat pretty good throughout the week. Limiting cheats to one day a week, but consuming way more calories on leg days. I have been using my polar heart rate monitor and I can’t believe I went years without using it. It really is such a great tool. One day though, I want to wear it all day long.. (maybe on sunday) on a day where I don’t do any formal exercise, to really see how many calories my body burns just by breathing, being alive (your BMR) ext. I think that would be really helpful in knowing how many calories to be consuming (outside of working out). It also holds me accountable. You have weekly goals and at the end of the week if you reached them all you get a trophy, and I want that motherfucking trophy 🙂

Other than that.. Life has been pretty normal. Working, Eating, Working Out, Sleeping.. you know, the usual. So far, still don’t mind it.. really just trying to get back on my feet. Slowly but surely.

Thanking God every day.

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You know squat? … Exactly.

So .. I suppose with how many people have viewed my instagram account, has the potential to look at my blog (at LEAST once). Knowing that.. super awkward. I don’t know. I guess I always jump around from professional to .. well not so much. This blog is just a story about me and my life and how it affects my training lifestyle (i.e. eating disorders, emotional eating, plain old life situations ext). I know squat should be taken literally.. not figuratively as in my fitness “wannabe” background. I really lose all focus with insecurities present, that I know I look like a fool.

I also think I over analyze every possible situation.

I might possibly step away from the personal training part of my life till I finish school and get my head above water. Though I truly do love what I do, I have to be taken seriously and I can’t give anyone any reason to doubt me. Maybe I’ll explore other options that could possibly just be a foot in the door instead of wasting time away waitressing or cleaning fucking toilets. Although, if it paid more than what I am now.. I highly think I’d consider.

Can’t be forever right?
🙂

Anyways.. once I think I can manage an actually successful website, this one really isn’t suppose to be taken seriously. I throw in recipes, progress pictures and the word fuck in this blog but in the end the title is what it is in that manor.

On the brighter side, I attempted to squat 205 a couple of times (yes of course with a spot, who I might add, is seriously fantastic)!!!! Notice attempted.. because to be honest.. as much as I work as a personal trainer I need to focus on really getting my act together.. I want to lift heavy, as fuck, for sure but as much as I think I know what I’m doing I don’t fucking do it. Here I am telling my clients to squeeze this, do that but holy fuck it like all disappears from my mind when I train myself… I think I just need to get use to a workout buddy, a spot, simply a trainer training me. But don’t get me wrong, I fucking love it.

Just thought I’d give a clearer idea of what this blog was about. For now, it’s nothing special just random as hell thoughts, pictures and the roller coaster of a ride my life has become..

Anyways, I have to be up soon about 5 hours of sleep to wake up see if a client comes in, sit in sauna, eat take a nap and go back to work. I seriously wish W was as short of a distance that RLB was. I would go home any hour or two I had off.. because well..

I love sleep. 🙂
and eating.

Like my skinny cow ice cream I am about to demolish. Strawberry Shortcake if you wanted to know.

;D

Goodnight xo

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No april fools here.

Now I feel super busy so I can’t take this blog to where I want it to go just yet. That makes me sad and a little unaccomplished. However, work is super crazy and striving for an A or B in my health and wellness class has really started taking its toll. I feel good about it all though. Keeping me busy, keeping me sane. I hope right? I mean.. usually added stress is well just that, stress. Me? stress? always.. but at least its keeping my mind busy.

I had written a shit ton of good shit yesterday, but go figure, it didn’t save (I am thankful that my 3 hours worth of homework done yesterday did though.. fuck the blog post! lol.. I kid..) I don’t know if that is a good thing or bad thing but I kept it (or tried too), so that means something.. lol.. oh you know me and the right click select all delete.

Now I feel like I have nothing to say.. I did start off today with a mother fucking bang though. Ate on point (except missed eating all my carbs. I am trying to carb cycle but didn’t measure my mornings fruit serving so it threw it off), worked out and had a good work out finally. Literally a work out where I felt like screaming out “i fucking love working out!” It just felt that good. I am so close to achieving the look I want, that I think it was hurting my progress for a while. I want to be at a point where I am just maintaining. It is still a lot of work but better to work to keep it then work to get it. I don’t know.. one day at a time. Seriously its all I have at the moment and I’ve come to realize that.

Work is forever changing and I have noticed that I do not have an job security unless I sell. That’s it, sell or no job. Kind of nerve racking don’t you think? Yeah, tell me about it..and with all new bosses in today,I slam dunk the fuck out of it and got me some numbers on the board, first day of the pay period. I still have a lot of work to do, especially with this being my first sales job but it was all legit and exactly how I want people to view my business. I am going to make an impact there, just watch.

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Saturday 27/83 (2/2)

Haven’t posted much because nothing much is new.

Still working at my shitty job. Practically paying to work there. Things are in the works and I pray to God for every door that he has opened for me recently.

The boy and I are doing good. Rolling with the punches I would say. Mostly because I am still insecure as FUCK but working on it everyday. Luckily he is a great man and just as most guys would say, putting up with it. I have been bitching at him lately because of his drinking. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal but needs to know that not only am I not about that “life” but I also come from an alcoholic background. He isn’t binge drinking like lets say, some of his friends are but I also have never been with someone who casually drinks as much as he does. I just want him to be careful, that’s all. That and well…. I don’t trust many people’s decisions when they are under the influence and I will leave it at that.
In regards to training, I am still going strong. I just started to add cardio in my schedule because I hit the 8 week mark just yesterday. I am getting  a bit nervous but have to realize that its a solid 2 months away. A lot can be done in that amount of time. I just have to use it wisely. About 3 or 4 days ago, I did deadlifts for the first time in a while. About 2 days after that workout I was so sore. The next day, even worse. Now, don’t get me wrong I KNOW how being sore  but this felt like I was tearing things whenever I bent down. It was BAD. Now, I am all better and still going as hard as I can.

My diet has still consisted of brown rice, oatmeal, whole wheat pastas and the occasional fiber tortilla (I use for morning wraps of eggs and ground turkey). Eggs, ground turkey, chicken and protein powders. I also still have some fruit in my diet. I won’t take anything out just yet, but relying on the added cardio to lose a little bit of weight. I want to “preserve” any muscle I have for the time being.

In about 2-3 weeks, I will add more cardio and take out fruits and possibly lower the amount of carbs I am currently eating. I just hope I can keep my ass. It really is THAT important.

Everything else in my life, seems to be looking up. I haven’t binged like I have in past contest preps which I find is extremely amazing. I think it’s because if I want something, I have it. It’s as simple as that. Thinking of writing a blog post about cheat meals. I truly think its important to live a little, especially when you are not dieting for a show.

Hope all is well.

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Friday 19/83 (1/25)

Wednesday of next week, I will be 8 weeks out. I am a little nervous but 2 months I believe, should be enough time. I don’t have a lot of weight to lose but it seems like when you hit 8 weeks the time flies. If I do not feel comfortable in 6-7 weeks I will opt for a show a little later. I believe there is one a week or two after that I was looking into so that will at least give me a little more time.

However, Wednesday of this week was an off day for me. Not because I wanted one but because life didn’t think I should work out. Lol.. My boyfriend ended up becoming stranded with no car so I had to move some things around. I went home and prepared a few meals and by the time I put the lids on, I had to pick him up at the train station. No big deal though (and no I didn’t beat myself up like I usually do), I was sore in all sorts of places!

 

Meal Prepping! Chicken and Brown Rice :)

Meal Prepping! Chicken and Brown Rice 🙂

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t

We grabbed some sushi and got home in time for me to watch the season finale of American Horror Story (my ALL TIME FAVORITE SHOW!!!!!). Passed out shortly after.

My favorite is the second from the left, called Nikko. Shrimp and Avocado (that I take off) over spicy crunch crab with cucumber.

My favorite is the second from the left, called Nikko. Shrimp and Avocado (that I take off) over spicy crunch crab with cucumber.

Thursday (yesterday), I did 45 solid minutes of chest. I was working out for an hour but won’t count it as such because I caught myself starring into space a few times. I don’t know what it was (maybe no pre workout, tired.. idk). I took a little more time in between sets but hey I at least got my ass to the gym. I finished with 15 minutes of stairs.

Definitely sticking with 15 minutes of cardio no matter how bad I want to do more. I need to preserve this ass!

Food wise I am still going strong. Sushi knocked me a little (the sauce is always high in fat/calories), but too be honest I skipped 2 meals on accident so I don’t think it hurt me too bad. I usually have a cheat meal on the weekends but I am going to keep it healthy.

My food for the 8 hours I am at work. Greek Yogurt, Apple, Banana, Almonds, Chicken Brown Rice Broccoli and a Quest Bar (not shown).

My food for the 8 hours I am at work. Greek Yogurt, Apple, Banana, Almonds, Chicken Brown Rice Broccoli and a Quest Bar (not shown).

My life is slowly but surely coming together, or I am getting better at handling the stress. Money issues, car issues, school issues are still.. well, issues but I am starting to allow God to get me thru them. I am headed over to my aunts after work and hopefully can get some insight on my life. It’s nice talking and getting advice some times, although I know I am going to cry once or twice.. I just know it! Ol well, sometimes I just need to let go..

I did however get my first online client of the year. So with that I am not going to go into detail about my work outs that much because that wouldn’t be fair to the folks that pay for it. I don’t mind answering any and all questions though!

Nothing really planned for the weekend. I do have an appointment to get my taxes done tomorrow and possibly a fishing show on Sunday but that’s as exciting as my weekend gets. I don’t mind (well not all the time. My Jeep is a gas guzzler and I am piss ass broke), I enjoy resting and spending time with my Mom. I think I should take her out for a little lunch date though.. It will be a nice hour or two.

Well.. that is all my friends. Going to do full body work out today (at my aunt’s house because LA Fitness closes at 10 and there’s no way I would be able to get there in time and NO WAY I am missing another work out), Hamstrings Saturday, and Shoulders on Sunday. I hope ya’lls weekend is a little more eventful than mine!

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Tuesday 2/83

So yesterday was better than Monday. Every day becomes a little easier but that’s not saying much. Cravings are always a killer especially because I am currently quitting smoking (fml to say the least). They usually say that when you quit smoking you usually gain weight so I am making sure that I have healthy options by my side at all times (cuttie oranges – remember seeing 3 in yesterdays post? lol.. yep got 3 for today too! Also have 2 100 calorie packs of almonds handy as well). Gum will also come in handy once in a while but so far it hasn’t been THAT hard ( I am also smoking 1-4 cigs a day, by the end of the week I’ll quit 100%) so well see in a week how I am doing.

Food for today:
3 cutties
2 100 calorie packs of almonds
1 apple pie quest bar
1 huge serving of chicken broccoli and brown rice.

That is all I have for the hours of 9-5 (work hours). I will have a small serving of ww pasta and ground turkey for a pre work out and finish the rest for my post work out meal.. WAIT!!! Scratch that! My boyfriend is coming over for dinner. I went last night after my work out to the store for a few things. Steak, Asparagus, and potatoes for us. Brown Rice, Chicken, and Greek Yogurt for a few meals for myself. I marinated the steaks already while I prepped a few meals for the rest of the week. I basically eat the same things, day in and day out mostly because I enjoy them so why change it up?

My favorite meal!

My favorite meal!

My 2 go to meals are chicken, brown rice and broccoli (the chicken is marinated in a natural caesar like dressing and its to die for. Yes I will have to give this up later down the road but I can enjoy it now), and whole wheat pasta with ground turkey. Easy to make and prepare and they are SO tasty! So after my work out I will snack on something small (we usually don’t eat till late so I don’t want to go starving while I wait for him to arrive and the food cooks. Besides, POST WORK OUT MEALS ARE A MUST!!!!! Don’t starve, never starve!!!! Eating more (good foods) is actually better than starving.. hmm who would of thought?

Chicken Stir Fry with Aminos

Chicken Stir Fry with Aminos

Regarding to working out, I have been doing full body work outs and will continue to do so till the end of the week (or possibly the week after that). I don’t know why I am doing this but for some reason it is working out well and I am enjoying doing so. I started last nights work out with 60 squats. Light weight but remember I haven’t been to the gym in 2 weeks!!!!! :0!!!! 😦

I broke it down to 6 sets, 10 reps each. I did normal, wide and closed legged squats 20 each. I then moved on to the chest press, lateral raises, and finished with back exts. Moved upstairs and did 30 minutes of inclined treadmill. Could of definitely of done more but I don’t want to rush this process as impatient as I am. I have 80 something days to go. I have to be smart.

So like I mentioned earlier, I went to Jewel right after my work out because its on the way home. I forgot that I was going and didn’t take anything with me to eat after wards…….so… I shopped around a bit and made my way to the health isle and ate a protein bar. Don’t worry I paid for it. Headed home, prepped my food and by that time it was 11pm. I got in bed and chit chatted with the lovely boyfriend for a while. Put my phone down around 1215-1230 and realized this morning that I need to go to bed earlier.

Chocolate Covered Katie

Chocolate Covered Katie

Leaving y’all with this recipe from Chocolate Covered Katie. It is oatmeal cupcakes. I haven’t been eating oatmeal lately because I haven’t been enjoying it. Stumbled upon this email with the recipe and thought how convenient. Hopefully they come out yummy and I can use them as snacks mid morning.

Oatmeal Cupcakes To Go

(makes 24-25 cupcakes)

Adapted from: Cookie Dough Baked Oatmeal.

  • 5 cups rolled oats (400g)
  • 2 1/2 cups over-ripe mashed banana, measured after mashing (For all substitution notes on this recipe, see nutrition link below.) (600g)
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 5 NuNaturals stevia packets (or omit and use 5 tbsp of any liquid sweetener instead)
  • optional: 2/3 cup mini chocolate chips
  • 2 2/3 cups water (640g) (If using the liquid-sweetener option, scale water back to 1 1/3 cups)
  • 1/4 cup plus 1 tbsp oil (45g) (I really like coconut, but veg oil will also work. For lower-fat substitution notes, see nutrition link below.)
  • 2 1/2 tsp pure vanilla extract
  • optional add-ins: cinnamon, shredded coconut, chopped walnuts, ground flax or wheat germ, raisins or other dried fruit, etc.

Preheat oven to 380 F, and line 24-25 cupcake tins. In a large mixing bowl, combine all dry ingredients and stir very well. In a separate bowl, combine and stir all wet ingredients (including banana). Mix wet into dry, then pour into the cupcake liners and bake 21 minutes. I also like to then broil for 1-2 minutes, but it’s optional. These oatmeal cakes can be eaten right away, or they can be frozen and reheated for an instant breakfast on a busy day.

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Monday 1/83

So yesterday marked the first day of my contest prep, and let me tell you I was a little disappointed.

Slept at the boyfriends on Sunday so it gave me almost an entire hour of extra sleep (I live far from work), so that was nice. Ultimately went about my day as usual as any other. I didn’t eat as much as I would of liked (for some reason my appetite hasn’t been “normal” lately. Going on 2 weeks of being sick), but was still able to consume enough calories to work out.

3 cuttie oranges (idc about fruit sugar this early in prep)
1/2 quest bar
2 chicken breasts with broccoli
1 piece of WW bread with PB
1/2-1c cottage cheese

I got home around 6 and relaxed a bit for an hour and 1/2. Well.. before I got dressed to head out my boyfriend called and said he was going to a bar. Then my friend “forgot” to call me back (when all I wanted to do was just talk to her. I get in weird moods and we play phone tag sometimes but for some reason I just wanted someone to talk to). Checks in @ Xsport with her friend, then at Buffalo Wild Wings with another and apologizes she didn’t call. Well for some reason all this kind of irked me.

Regardless, I headed to the gym and arrived around 7:45pm. I started doing my thing and I could feel my emotions arise. This wasn’t good, but I wasn’t stopping. Instead I started getting more pissed. Pissed at the situations, then pissed at myself for not pushing thru. Well I “gave up” around 8:10.. I just threw in the towel. I walked my sorry ass upstairs to the cardio section and hopped on the treadmill. I finished 45 minutes but that was the end of that work out.

I headed home, ate my meal and got in bed in time for the new Catfish show around 10pm. I was disappointed but at least got something in, even if it wasn’t how I expected my first work out back in 2 weeks.

Laying in bed creeping facebook and instagram, my boyfriend tried calling a couple times, as did Ashley. I ignored both and just wanted to be “alone”. I ended up calling my boyfriend back (and texting Ashley), because as much as I was in my own world I love him dearly. We talked a bit and he wanted me to talk things out with him but the last thing I wanted to do was go back to the reasons I was upset.

That lasted shortly. Something else came up that sparked my insecurities and I just balled. He then continued to tell me how much he loves and adores me but the tears kept falling.

Listen, me telling you I am insecure as fuck doesn’t even scratch the surface. Yes, he has done some things that haven’t made it easy but most of those things wouldn’t of been a problem had I been secure. I just cried. I told him I don’t know if things are going to change, if I am going to change but I know I can’t live like this. It hurts so much, and again… doing this to myself.

HE LOVES ME. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM!??!?!??!?!?! I have never been with someone like him, someone who doesn’t mind reminding me why they love me or how much they love me. When it all comes down to it, it’s me.

..and I don’t know what to do, or if there is anything I can do. Will I be like this forever? All I know is that I love this man so much. So much that any attention he puts out to another human, I am envious of. It’s sick and I am embarrassed.

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Another day in the life..

After another shit show of a weekend I am done contemplating my relationship with Mike. Even after all the bullshit we have been through, I am done worrying. I am done over thinking, over analyzing, simply wasting my time. I am done with it all. I have finally come to the conclusion that we are with out a doubt 100% in love with each other. I obviously know he loves me and that I love him, but after this weekend I feel it.. Most likely because we get put in situations where he professes his love for me time and time again, but the reassurance is so comforting it takes all the doubt away.

I won’t go into the details of our little rendezvous but just know that it was well worth it.

Besides that, my weekend was actually pretty decent. Friday night I just went to the gym for a little bit then came home and passed out around 1120pm. Saturday woke up around 7am in time to wake the boyfriend up to head to the shop by 8. After he was taken care of, I usually pass back out but instead I tidied up a bit and headed back to the gym. I am finally starting to see progress which always makes me a little happy inside and always a good start to my constant need of motivation. After the gym I finished up my laundry and took an hour power nap. Woke up and headed out to Ashley’s house. Picked her up and went to Target for a few things I needed to get for Christmas presents. We are the worst when it comes to shopping.. we literally want e v e r y t h i n g (example: see photo below) 😉

See? New slippers from Target :)

See? New slippers from Target 🙂

Meaning we looked around the entire store at which point my stomach was getting painfully hungry. She had ideas of pizza and obviously had she caught me at a “idgaf” time I would of agreed, however I wanted to stay clean. We went to Jason’s Deli and I got a whole wheat wrap with turkey and tomatoes (ranch on the side) with some steamed veggies.

Turkey wrap!

Turkey wrap!

We then went back to her place and just chilled for a few hours while we figured out what we wanted to do. Her brother and some friends were going bowling but I wasn’t about to decline plans with my boyfriend to hang out with a bunch of guys.. that sure as fuck wouldn’t of went down smoothly so instead we waited till around 10pm to get ready to go out to a bar a town or two over. She ended up curling my hair (I have naturally curly hair and hate it.. so the entire time I was said she can’t get pissed if I don’t like it haha).. but I did and it looked cute even if my outfit didn’t.. (I wasn’t planning on going out so yes.. I looked like a scumbag). We left around 1130pm and met up with my boyfriend and a few of his friends. Ashley wasn’t drinking and I didn’t plan on it.. but of course I took a shot.. then another.. but only ended up taking 4 which is good for me.

The boyfriend and I at the Donkey Inn on Saturday.

The boyfriend and I at the Donkey Inn on Saturday.

After the spiff we encountered, I got home around 6am and passed out instantly, fully clothed and all. Slept till 2pm then headed home. I didn’t eat anything till my boyfriend came over around 6pm when we went to a sushi place down the street. We ordered about 4 rolls and was actually pretty happy with the place.

The 3rd from the left, nikko, was our favorite.

The 3rd from the left, nikko, was our favorite.

After dinner, he likes something sweet, so we headed about 10 miles away to get some frozen yogurt. Always a good time with the boyfriend (fat kids at heart). Went back to my place and we had a quiet evening. Over all the weekend went well and nothing to complain about.

Berry Simple Frozen Yogurt <3

Berry Simple Frozen Yogurt ❤

I am however super excited for another week to kick my ass in the gym so Mondays aren’t all that bad anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love not doing anything but I’ve said before, when I get motivated it’s game over. All I want to do is prep my meals and slave away at the gym day in and day out. It’s a natural high and I feel so great and accomplished the next morning. See.. THIS is the cycle that I need, not the one I’ve been accustomed to lately. But nothing to worry about, I got this shit.

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