Tag Archives: Trust

The life of a Fitness Freak!

Finally.. a night where no alarms are set and NO obligations tomorrow. So what better to do on a Friday night at 9:53pm than to blog? Well not only do I have nothing to do (nor do I want to do anything) but I took a nap around 6:30 for about an hour and half. Not too smart of an idea because I have a feeling I will be up quite late :/ No worries. I will be in bed all night. That, or on the floor doing burpees, planks, pushups and sit ups ;D

Not kidding either.

I worked from 8am to around 2:30. My longest Saturday since working at the gym. Most people don’t like working out on the weekends which is weird. Not weird I guess, just different from my last experience at a gym. I don’t mind though. Usually it means I get the whole weekend off. I pretty much worked straight through, client after client. But scheduled around a 9am spin class. It was nice. I left about 10 minutes early to make sure I had enough time to change and to eat my post work out meal.

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Tuna, sweet potatoes and a banana. Yum (or not).

I had 2 cancellations at the end which were a bummer. Mostly because it wasted an hour of which I could have saved a little more energy to get a work out in. Instead I waited around. Spent a little more time with a previous client, then left shortly after. Being in the gym for as long as I am, I am getting use to (and loving) at home work outs. Again, mostly burpees, planks, push ups, tricep dips, other core work, body weight squats, and kettle bell (db swings). I have a few weights but nothing to extreme, so I am playing around with different rep schemes and tempos. I need to invest in more resistance bands and KB’s. I think this will also help me help clients when they are too busy to get in the gym. I had a client today say that he gets off track when he doesn’t work out. So knowing that, I HAVE A SOLUTION! NO MORE EXCUSES!!

So not much going on tonight. Since I didn’t get a work out in at the gym (besides the 50 minutes of spin class, aka cardio) and I have already taken 2 rest days this week, I got a little proactive. I went to the park and did some pull ups and rows then came home and did “lawnmowers” for a couple of sets. I want to get a picture, or at least a video, because my back is coming in real well. Even JP said something. I mentioned how I was 150lbs and he was like no way?! So I marched my happy ass over to the scale and 151 with my clothes and shoes on (also about 3 meals in and a ton of liquids. If you plan on weighing yourself I suggest doing it in the morning right when you wake up. Okay, after you go to the bathroom that is). I don’t mind being 150. Like you may know, I have suffered from many eating disorders. The scale was the enemy and would ruin my day if I was not under such and such pounds. Not anymore. I never weigh myself. Instead, I go by how I look and feel. The scale is meaningless to me. Anyways, so after I was done weighing myself, Jp commented on my back and how it looks great. Always a nice feeling to hear a compliment here and there 😉

So that is my Friday night. Just enjoying my bed and making sure I stick to my word and blog since I knew I wouldn’t yesterday.

We left for the track around 6:30pm. I finished with my client a little early and got home, changed and packed my lunch box. LOL. Ohhhh why you ask? Remember? 4 week no cheat for this little lady! I wonder if I can do it. Actually, I will do. Just to say that I can. Now.. This means no cheat meal. However, I stole a handful of popcorn yesterday and although no clean, I still don’t consider it a cheat. It’s little things like that, that will keep you sane. I promise you. You want something, have it. Because it will be a downward spiral if you don’t. Even today, my last client and I were talking. He gained 25lbs since really staying consistent with me. I weighed and did his body fat and surprisely only about 50% was from fat, the other muscle. Which made him feel a little better. But we got to talking about how he would actually binge. Not many guys would admit that, but at least I could help him through it.

Anywhooooo..

Oh, just sitting in the car eating.

Oh, just sitting in the car eating.

Since I am not having a cheat meal till my birthday, I knew that the track would be a little tease. I usually get a burger but.. not this time 😦 The boy actually wanted a funnel cake but I made him get a beer instead so I wasn’t tempted. LOL! He wasn’t happy with me. But.. it is what it is. I ended up packing 2 quest bars, carrots blueberries and strawberries. I should have packed a little more or at least ate more because I was STARVING. We had a good time. His friend ended up getting a spot in the hat races and made it all the way till the final round! So, we ended up there quite late. I didn’t mind… For once. We had a good time. I did get upset for a minute or two because I was in the car with another one of his friends girlfriends chilling in the A/C (LOL)  and a situation got brought up that I had dealt with the day before. I am trying this whole “trust” thing and all of a sudden this gets brought up again. I was instantly not happy. I almost don’t even want to go into detail because i don’t want to give them the satisfication of knowing it pisses me off. I handled the situation pretty well, I’d say. Usually I’d freak and blow up at them but figured that’s exactly what they wanted. So.. I am choosing to be the bigger person and to be honest, it feels good.

It was beautiful out. That, or a sick filter!

It was beautiful out. That, or a sick filter!

MMMM Camaro.

MMMM Camaro.

The last race was our boy and this corvette that seemed to be smoking the competition. They ended up talking before the final race and the guy wanted land. WHICH I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BUT I KNEW WAS BULLSHIT. Our guy ended up losing but it was a close race. Honestly, a good time. We left around 11:30/12 and headed to Buffalo WIld Wings to grab some food because I was starving. I ended up getting a salad, but not before I ordered celery and carrots with our drinks (seriously, I was starving). The salad was pretty good. I was debating between a wrap and this, but decided I could do without the carbs (and the wrap doesn’t have much chicken). So I figured if I was going to consume the extra calories of the ranch dressing (on the side), I would rather skip the extra carbs and go with more protein. After we were done, we went home and passed out around 1:30/2am. About 4 hours before I had to be up. Maybe that’s why I am always tired. Ugh. But.. got up no problem and started my day.

BUFFALO WILD WINGS FTW!

BUFFALO WILD WINGS FTW!

Food for the day (Spaced throughout the day. Just didn’t track the time):
Quest bar on the way to work.
Tuna, some sweet potatoes, and a banana post spin class.
1/2 c WW pasta, 99% lean ground turkey and some organic pasta sauce 2 hours later.
Blueberries and carrots not too long after that.
Another serving of the pasta mentioned above.
1/2 (or a little more. Now that I get the big container of yogurt [cheaper], I have to measure it all out and that’s just a pain when you can get the convenience of the cups) with strawberries and blueberries.
1 Kind bar (dark chocolate, nuts and sea salt. MY FAVE).
1/4c sweet potatoes.
25 Almonds.
Oh, and some Gatorade during spin.

Now.. not too sure what I want to eat next. I haven’t had eggs in a while. Maybe I will eat that with some cottage cheese. Maybe this is why I am not losing weight lol. I am not really paying attention to my calorie intake and barely doing cardio (AND EATING TOO MANY ALMONDS!!!!!). I think this week has been the most cardio I have done. I know I did a 30 minute, a 15, and a 45 min session. Maybe do some more tomorrow but don’t want to do too much. I am still pretty far out from the show I am training for (yes, I said training for not necessarily doing lol). So I will take my time and enjoy the time I don’t have to do cardio because I have a feeling a lot more cardio is in my future :/

But.. you do what you gotta do to look good right? No real progress pictures today. Maybe I will tomorrow. I do still have a flat stomach (abs when flexing) this late at night which is a good sign. So we will see. Going to cook some food for my last meal and finish cleaning my room. Ohhhhh the exciting life I live.

;D

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No april fools here.

Now I feel super busy so I can’t take this blog to where I want it to go just yet. That makes me sad and a little unaccomplished. However, work is super crazy and striving for an A or B in my health and wellness class has really started taking its toll. I feel good about it all though. Keeping me busy, keeping me sane. I hope right? I mean.. usually added stress is well just that, stress. Me? stress? always.. but at least its keeping my mind busy.

I had written a shit ton of good shit yesterday, but go figure, it didn’t save (I am thankful that my 3 hours worth of homework done yesterday did though.. fuck the blog post! lol.. I kid..) I don’t know if that is a good thing or bad thing but I kept it (or tried too), so that means something.. lol.. oh you know me and the right click select all delete.

Now I feel like I have nothing to say.. I did start off today with a mother fucking bang though. Ate on point (except missed eating all my carbs. I am trying to carb cycle but didn’t measure my mornings fruit serving so it threw it off), worked out and had a good work out finally. Literally a work out where I felt like screaming out “i fucking love working out!” It just felt that good. I am so close to achieving the look I want, that I think it was hurting my progress for a while. I want to be at a point where I am just maintaining. It is still a lot of work but better to work to keep it then work to get it. I don’t know.. one day at a time. Seriously its all I have at the moment and I’ve come to realize that.

Work is forever changing and I have noticed that I do not have an job security unless I sell. That’s it, sell or no job. Kind of nerve racking don’t you think? Yeah, tell me about it..and with all new bosses in today,I slam dunk the fuck out of it and got me some numbers on the board, first day of the pay period. I still have a lot of work to do, especially with this being my first sales job but it was all legit and exactly how I want people to view my business. I am going to make an impact there, just watch.

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Love is making me crazy (& its all my fault)!

I’m insecure as fuck and it’s messing with my head. For some reason, I am potentially jeopardizing my relationship with Mike because of this.

Now let me begin. We haven’t had the easiest relationship and he’s slipped up a bit, regardless I’m still standing by his side. However.. it’s become rather difficult.. I feel any beautiful woman who walks down the street is going to catch my boyfriends attention and it’s all down hill from there (told you I was insecure). I’m scared of him moving jobs so I can’t “monitor” him 40 hours of the week. Now that sounds horrible however it’s kinda the truth (though I did just make myself look like the worlds worst girlfriend, I promise I’m not!) . 3 out of the 4 fights we have had have been saved because we work together (we are/were spoiled) meaning, I don’t doubt that had we worked separately we wouldn’t be together today. But we are..

&& he is by far the best boyfriend I have ever had. He’s the one I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. We joke about it but it’s true.. I want to start a family with him and watch it grow with endless amounts of love.. He is so special that I think this is why I’m having a hard time.. Why I’m having anxiety about our relationship in the next coming of months.. I’m scared. Truth be told I’m scared out my damn mind. But things DO change and I need to mentally prepare myself for this.. I get so worked up because I know how it is from a girls perspective.. No one cares anymore.. I’m in love and I’m pretty sure someone greedy enough to try to come in between that IS in fact possible.. But it takes two to tango doesn’t it? That’s what I need to remember  because not only does he tells me everyday how beautiful I am and how he wants to grow old with me, but how I am a “catch” (never been told that) and how he doesn’t want or need anyone else.. Now that may sound all goody gum drop to one, but sometimes actions speak louder than words..

(Just saying..)

But regardless when I get my body back and my tan on and my nails did and whatever else I think I need to do in order to be “happy”, it still won’t change that life doesn’t go as planned. I can’t change if my boyfriend leaves me, I can’t ponder on the what ifs because that’s a waste of time.. And it’s time that I’m not guaranteed to have. All I know is that my insecurities are affecting my relationship right now but  so very blessed that he is at least trying to help and work on them with me.. That’s what I have to be thankful for,  not the what ifs and the negative bullshit that’s been clouding my mind for days now. I have to focus on me and growing as a person,  not grow to be dependent on anyone but myself, but to really cherish the good times I have with people.

Whatever happens next is going to happen regardless of what I want.. I have to grasp the concept of everything turning out okay in the end. I really truly believe that.

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I am staying strong for once.

I have been having anxiety lately.

From the shower, to today at work and I am praying that inside I’ll feel okay. Because in my heart, I know it will be.

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R.Mullins.

“I did not make it… it is making me.”

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I needed this..

“Sometimes the best thing that you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess, just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.”

This is how today went (9/10)..

Mom had surgery on her foot not too long ago.. friday I believe. So she is a little crippled at the moment. No big deal.. except my mom gets flustered and cranky at the drop of a dime.. which I do too so I know how it feels/goes… So she must have been in one of her little moods and started talking about getting rid of my dog Marley.. for the second fucking time might I add. I had to get rid of her once because we moved.. took her back because she wasnt getting along with the other dog. A few weeks went by and my mom told me I really had to get rid of her, so I had an ex bf help me out and we found a home for her. I wasnt happy and it hurt every day I didn’t have her but I needed to do what I needed to do. I was put in a position that I really didn’t have a choice in so, so be it.  I think maybe a month went by and she came into my room crying, telling me I need to get Marley back. So I did. Now fast forward a few more months and were back to today.. Now Marley is a lot to handle. She gets overly excited and wants to be up in everyone’s grill. I personally love it, but not everyone loves the smell of dog breath. Well with that being said, my mom told me that she thinks I need to get rid of her.. so while I am trying to get ready in the morning she’s pretty much picking a fight with me. I stopped talking, made my protein shake and left.

On my way to work, radio turned off like I have been doing for some weird ass reason, I sit and think. I have about 45 min dedicated to me over analyzing every possible situation in my life. 45 minutes to dwell on everything that’s going wrong.. 45 minutes to sit on the pity pot..but this time.. I had 45 minutes of prayer. I literally grab the steering wheel and just talked to God. I pray for mom a lot, but lately I’ve been so selfish it’s about me and what I need.. like faith. I need to put more faith in the unknown. I need to realize that worrying really has no purpose in life and the only thing that holds me together is that everything will be okay. I literally remind myself of this constantly.. repeating it over and over…. so meanwhile I am doing my thing, talking to God, and a tear managed to escape from my eye no matter how hard I tried to stop it. I quickly wiped it from my face and kept driving like nothing ever happened..
..Work was a little different today. One of the dudes that has been there for quite some time, put his two weeks in. Via email. Like a bitch. Sorry.. but if you met this dude, you would wish you didn’t. I’m sorry Eric.. if you ever read this for some bizarre fucked up reason, know that you need to learn how to become a better person. Youre vindictive and manipulative and you hurt so many people along the way. I honestly never understand why people do the things they do.. no conscience? no soul? to each their fucking own, but leave me the fuck out of it. So yeah, that’s been kind of the big talk around the shop lately.. Everyone is pretty stoked. Him leaving is best for everyone.
Amen.
Ate pretty good today. Had my morning protein shake, brought Greek yogurt, a banana, whole wheat pasta, and my leftovers from last nights dinner with the boy.

My Meals for the Day:

Lunch 🙂

At around 530 or so (I get off at 5, boy gets off at 6), I hung around for a bit. The boy and I started talking, and like it always does with my big ass mouth, gets kind of escalated to where I just walk away. The emotions that over come me.. would drop jaws. So I turned and walked away and he called for me back, telling me how unfair it was that I got to speak but how I am just bailing on him, giving him no opportunity to explain himself. So I walked back, he was right, so I took a couple of breaths and just stood there. We talked a little more and then got interrupted (we usually always do.. they like to tease us now that they know were together lol).. And so a few of us stood around and talked (mostly with Eric about him leaving and how much of a “piece of shit” Ron is), and I happened to open my mouth one too many times. It was awkward..luckily I saved my self those couple of times and no one caught on..after the 4th fucked up thing I said I had to excuse myself. I got into my car and dipped. About 500ft later, I see a text from the boy asking me to say for a second. I reversed all the way back into the parking lot and waited for him. He talked some more.. he explained himself and we continued to talk. It’s exactly what I needed. I have been so fucking consumed by our relationship that its been eating me alive. All I think about is one day waking up and him telling me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, or he’s found someone else, or cheated on me, or even WORSE getting back with his bitch of an ex (sorry lisa if YOU ever read this for some bizarre fucked up reason, you’re a straight mean fucking person).. phew.. anywho.. it’s been all i’ve been thinking about lately.. but I have been trying to tell myself that I don’t need this. I’ve been trying to coach myself into telling him that were better off as friends, but realized I might as well wait it out.

So after a shit load of tears literally escaped.. I’m not kidding.. we were laughing at me crying because it just wouldn’t stop. I kept choking up. This man is like no one I have ever had in my life before. He is truly amazing in every way and I get giddy inside when I look at him knowing he’s all mine. Knowing I have his heart.. knowing were in love with each other. I’m not going to say love is hard (because when its true love, it’s not something you have to try at.. hold me to this.. you work together but there’s no “hey im trying to love you” bullshit).. but staying on the same page has been for us, and that’s all I ever wanted.. was to be on the same page. I don’t want to be in a relationship that someones in just because.. I don’t want to go thru another heartbreak any time soon. I know I’ll be okay, and “it” will be okay, but heartbreak really is like losing a loved one (like my last post).. it hurts the soul, it hurts to breath…
..but it happens.. and most of the time you get over it.
Regardless.. I still want to give us my all. All I needed was this talk. I needed to hear you say that you want to be with me. I needed to hear you say that it’s all okay and will be okay. I needed the reassurance.. I needed the kiss at the end that made me feel loved.. I even needed the tears that fell down my face..
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79 Power through the pain period.

The Food Log

(Food will start looking the same, so sorry for the blandness)

730am Quest Bar
11am Ground Turkey w/ Asparagus
230pm ”  ”
630pm (so fucking hungry grrrr hate waiting for people) another Quest bar.. I was craving it.. and had a rice cake with it
945pm (Post workout) Just my Turkey Burgers and mustard

The Work Out

6am 45 Minutes Cardio
8pm Back (I don’t feel like writing out everything.  Sorry lol) Didn’t do much though, focused on lat pulldown, rows, and back ext.

+ another 45 Minutes Cardio

Day 79 in Pictures..

  1. Ground Turkey w/ Asparagus
  2. Mexican Food I had to pick up but couldnt eat and had to give away my lunch 😦 wamp
  3. Quest Bar and Rice cake? lmao.
  4. Marley being beautiful.
  5. Me.. can’t really see.. but IM THERE…Idk.
  6. Turkey Burgers w/ Pickles and Mustard. YUM
  7. LFL Tryouts are this Saturday……..hmmmmm
  8. Sorry for the screen shots.. but this recipe looks soooo good!

So the days seem to be just passing by. I feel like every decision has to be well thought out now. I have the basics.. I hope.. Just picked up the sponges and eye lashes. Planning out the food (most likely all from Whole Foods) to bring along. Need to book nail apt and book hotel for a night, so the whole tanning process won’t get hectic..(I need two-three coats.. one on Friday and one Saturday morning buck fuck early)..  and I need to be in Chicago by 8am for a mandatory meeting that obviously everyone rushes too and they just make you sit… whatever lol. I also need to figure out when I am getting my hair cut but I will see Taylor on Thursday to make everything set in stone. Other then that, Ive been looking at myself.. (honestly really trying hard not too because I PICK MYSELF APART).. anywho.. I need to keep the cardio up and really focus on intensity of the workouts now.. Also need to start my detox tea, and a week after that my distilled water. Well see how that all works out.. lol. Not much going on.. just trying to keep myself sane. 🙂

Thank you for everyone who leaves such pleasant comments.. I promise I’ll return the favor and keep up with all of you.. I try to  but I get so cluster fucked I just read them and don’t comment like I should! MORE SO BECAUSE my iphone likes to suck and make it  difficult to leave a comment from it.. so I say I’ll wait till I get to a computer but never do. ADD.. to the tee.

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