Tag Archives: vacation

Happy 4th of July!

It’s already 10 pm, so what I SHOULD be doing is passing out only to wake up in 6 hours. However, I decided I needed to get started on my weekend trip to wisco sooner rather than later. The boy and I left Wednesday night around 10pm and got to the house around 2am (I believe).. We did our usual stop at the gas station before heading onto the road in which I just started doing lunges from the car to the station (not one fuck was given). It was in my best interest to work out while I was up there… but that DID not happen. I randomly did squats and push ups (and 25 BW bench dips at 12:26pm in front of a crowd of people before I went in and bought a launch pass LOL) but nothing that prevented that 2lb weight gain at the end of the trip (yes.. I gained weight. oh no!)..

Anyways.. Our last stop before the house was Walmart, where we picked up a few things (rather healthy might I add considering the boy and I are legit fat kids) then headed to his house to get some sleep. The first day we woke up around 10:30/11 and was on the water around noon. The first day was a good one for me and I snagged quite a few different fish off different lures/flicker shads ext which is always a good time! We didn’t leave till around 10PM, yes 10 hours later.. But it was nice because it was the 4th of July and while we were driving the boat back we got to see fireworks from every angle. After that, I believe the boy blew up some shit then we headed to bed. The second day was nice too. I got to lay out for a few hours trying to salvage any color I could, while the boy was off doing his thing. Luckily I packed a few bags of fruit because we were not prepared. The sun just beat down on us and I felt dehydrated at times. I should have brought more food along but I guess I didn’t think I’d last 10 hours on the water.

Bags had watermelon, grapes, blueberries and strawberries!

Bags had watermelon, grapes, blueberries and strawberries!

The next day I believe we were out on the water around the same time but packed up around 6:30/7 to meet a couple of his friends that came down. They had a pretty rough weekend so they weren’t really feeling it. They ended up drinking (as did I but to be honest it was a complete bust. I don’t drink but after 6 shots I was still stone cold sober.. complete fail and waste of precious calories) and blowing off the rest of the fire works. We ended up all taking the ATV out and caused major trouble. In which, I lost a flip-flop, ran into a fence and had the weight of the ATV and Nizzle’s bodyweight come crashing on me.. Yeah.. things got pretty wild. Not smart. Not safe. Don’t try this at home.

-1

Surprisingly, the next morning they went home. They didn’t even go out fishing! I didn’t mind. Just more QT with the boy. We ended up going out to eat where I had a massive burger. See..? LOL and this wasn’t even the picture of the first one. This picture is actually the SECOND time I ordered it.. Yep! We went out to eat at the same place the last day before we went home and I got it again. No shit I gained 2 lbs… I ate it in the form of burgers!! Haha..

LOL

LOL

That was basically our trip. It was nice to be out in the middle of the water and not have a care in the world. Except I did (besides being on my boy’s case about being on his phone all the damn time), the minute I stepped into my bikini I was bloated. I was bloated all weekend. Yes it makes sense (going from a clean diet, to well.. not so much), but it was so embarrassing. Take this picture for example..

Bad ass fish but COME ON! Where are my abs???????!

Bad ass fish but COME ON! Where are my abs???????!

I go from having abs pre vacation to none prior. This is a progress shot I took before the vacation. And let me tell you, I looked NOTHING like this all weekend. It sucked. I worked so hard and I felt like a piece of shit. I don’t know.. But what I do know is how much I wanted to get back in the gym. I missed feeling good.

Progress Pre Vacation :/

Progress Pre Vacation :/

Here is a picture I took while waiting for the boy to put the boat on the trailer. Probably the only thing I am proud of… considering my arms have always been a weak point of mine. Still didn’t take away from looking/feeling like shit. That was/is my only complaint. I just WISH I looked good. It is so vain of me but it is what it is. Again, I worked so hard and it looked like I didn’t work out a day in my life. Such a complete and utter fail.

Yeah buddy!

Yeah buddy!

&& here are a few more pictures of the weekend and a few pictures of what I’ve been eating:

My little fishy :D

My little fishy 😀

:P

😛

photo 3

photo 5

Shopping cart. Shit is on starting today 7/8/13!

Shopping cart. Shit is on starting today 7/8/13!

 

Def not a 1/b burger.. but would def rather see my abs then enjoy something for 5.2 minutes..

Def not a 1/b burger.. but would def rather see my abs then enjoy something for 5.2 minutes..

I am not going to stress over the 2lb weight gain, or the picture that I look terrible in. No.. I am trying to become a better person physically and mentally. I am going to push forward from this day on. I am going to give it my all and strive to be the best person inside and out that I can. I can’t keep going down the same path expecting to find a secret path. I have to CREATE it. It is up to me and only me and I will keep on trucking along till I find my way. I do have a lot of great help and a good support team now (which is way different from the last show I prepped for). So a ton of progress pictures will be on their way! Still debating whether to go into detail about what I am doing diet wise only because it is designed for ME. Following what I do may or may not be a good thing. However, I do want to keep track of macros and the progress I make in the weight room. So, maybe I will post it (with a huge disclaimer)!

Heading to bed now (11:24pm fml). I am currently training quite a bit and quite early in the mornings now so I am trying to get as much sleep as possible (that’s when muscles grow right?!) even if it means sleeping in my car. Yes, sleeping in my car. Welcome to the life of a personal trainer.

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Monday 15/83 (1/21)

Well I suppose I spoke too soon. Thursday I found out some bad news regarding school which lead me to drop a class. I am now down to one class starting in March which I am not thrilled about. Hopefully I can turn this around in time to at least take one, if not all of the ones I wanted to take. Why is it so easy for the government to just take away financial aid, putting my education on hold? All I want to do is go to class and finish my degree and it’s not going well. Definitely brought me to tears. However I actually got a work out in despite my attitude/mood (am I getting better at channeling my emotions?????????), though I did cry on the treadmill. I couldn’t stop them from falling. I mean what else do you do on the treadmill besides think? Fuck.

Keeping “everything will be okay” in mind. I have to. I have to be positive that my life will turn around. I have to actually put forth an effort and realize no one is going to do things to change my life except myself. I need to actually give a damn before its too late.

😦

That was found out Thursday, and after work Friday the boy and I headed out to Wisconsin for a little ice fishing trip. Everything was fine and dandy till we got close and had to stop at his fathers friends house for a cocktail. His father had the keys so we needed to go regardless if I was exhausted or not. We walked in and sat down, introduced me to both people there. Normal right? well I sat in silence while they had a conversation in polish. Completeing disregarding my presence. I felt awkward, embarrassed even.. I told him before we even left for Wisco that this is why I didn’t want to go with him and his father. I LOVE his family dont get me wrong but last time it was the 3 of us, I sat in silence at dinner and again felt awkward. I didn’t want to feel like that again and guess what? I did.. this time with 4 people not just one in a house I couldn’t just go hide in the bedroom in. Definately a mood changer. We left and I had my moment but we were back to normal within an hour or two.

Eggs and Bacon!

Eggs and Bacon!

Woke up pretty early for us and I made us breakfast. His father left to go fishing with the couple that we met yesterday so I was excited to be alone with M. It was actually a beautiful day. I believe the temperature was in the low fourties which was awesome. We get to Petenwell and find a tow truck below about to pull out a sunken ATV. That made me nervous.. till I saw a car on the ice a few minutes later. Just have to be careful.. We set up and was on the ice around 1130am. We didn’t catch anything for nearly 3 hours, and didn’t seem very promising. M caught a catfish but that was the only catch for the day. Definitely a bummer. The wind starting picking up, literally knocking me off the shacks seat so that obviously pissed me off. We left shortly after.

Petenwall Lake

Petenwall Lake

My boo.

My boo.

 

cccccxx

We got home around 5 and started making dinner. We grilled steak and chicken and I prepared our favorite potatoes (onion stuffed potatoes wrapped in bacon), even though it was about 12 degrees outside. After dinner, M’s father left to go cook some of the fish he had caught earlier (I think totaling 15 or so..must be nice), as we headed to the casino. Got there and went straight to the bar, while he gave me $40 to spend. Lost in within 30 minutes so I sat and watched him. He ended up giving me another $10 and I lost that too. Seriously?

My favorite! Onion Stuffed potatoes wrapped in bacon!

My favorite! Onion Stuffed potatoes wrapped in bacon!

MEAT!!

MEAT!!

We both lost, and 45 minutes later was in the car headed back home. We usually stop at boner again (rattyass strip club lmao) but decided it was best to just go home considering we had booze there so why spend the extra $$. We got home, ate some birthday cake oreos (they were OK..M loved them but I def prefer the original), and headed to bed.

I promised myself that if I ever found these I would get them.. so I did.

I promised myself that if I ever found these I would get them.. so I did.

Woke up around 10am and made the boys breakfast. Eggs with left over potatoes onions and bacon with some pancakes. I made my now famous (lol jk but they are def heaven in my mouth), pancakes. I put peanut butter on the plate first, stick a hot pancake on top add jelly and chocolate sauce and was topped with whipped cream. It was def picture worthy but I didn’t want to look like a freak in front of his dad lol. I was stuffed and ready to roll.

Okay not really, by the time we got on the ice I was crabby as fuck. Thank God for a great boyfriend or I would be single. We got the shack and the holes all prepped and began fishing. I caught the first one, which made me feel better about being crabby and was well.. no longer crabby.

My beautiful shot!

My beautiful shot!

10-15 fish later around 430pm, we packed up and was ready to go home. I think we didn’t stay out for that long because 1, we had to get home sooner than later and 2 because his dad wasn’t catching anything. The first day we were on Petenwall and he caught a lot, this day we went to Fish Lake and we caught a lot but he didn’t. A little bizarre but all in good fun. We got home around 5pm and was packed up and ready to leave for home around 6. We stopped at a local restaurant (ok the only restaurant nearby) and actually had a really bad experience. I think they were short staffed but we were ignored for the first 15 minutes. I actually had to go up to the bar and ask for a server in which I was told it was going to be awhile as she had rude look on her face. Yeah… no. That doesn’t fly with me. So I sat my happy ass back down and waited. The boy could tell I was getting upset but it was honestly because we were blatantly being ignored. She could of got our drink order in while saying it would be a couple minutes till she could take our food order.. but we were literally ignored. A little while longer she came over, left the menus and left. We had an idea of what we wanted and a sure as hell enough time to decide so we ordered our drinks, appetizers and food as soon as she arrived back. After we placed the order the boy had to go back to the house because he left his phone and even then when he returned we still didn’t have our drinks. NOT. HAPPY. AT. ALL. And the only remark she said was “hope you’re not too hungry considering you’ve been waiting a while”… ya think? Well if I wasn’t hungry when I sat down I’m sure any food I had consumed prior was digested and why yes ma’am I believe I am starting to get hungry again.

Whatever. She brought the food out before the drinks..and I mean all the food.. It wasn’t appetizers it was like a 5 course meal we enjoyed that night. We weren’t going to leave a tip (don’t get me started I KNOW how a waitress is suppose to work and I KNOW how little they get paid. Regardless I wasn’t going to reward horrible service with a nice tip), so you my friend got $5. We left about 45minutes later and was on the way home in the 2 degree weather. Fuck was it cold. Thank God for heated seats.

yep, that's right.. 2 degrees.

yep, that’s right.. 2 degrees.

We got home around 1030 which we actually made really good time. I stayed at his house again and passed out after he put Ted on. I was tired, and def dreading today.. Monday.. another day at a job I hate. Horray for the weekends.

The boo and I.

The boo and I.

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It’s about that time..

So I haven’t been to the gym in 3 days. Besides all the excuses, I think mentally its okay.

Okay.. not “okay”, but something I can get passed. The extra weight I am carrying, does put a burden on my every day life.. mood.. attitude.. just about everything that consumes me on a daily basis.. however I am taking this and using it for the better. I am slowly piecing my life together, one day at a time.

I am dedicating the next 6 weeks to see how hard I can push myself. No cheats for 2 weeks. Just a ball to the wall type attitude. I know I can do this, so I will patiently wait to say I did it 🙂

This past weekend was fun though. Spent time with the boy, went to dinner and got cupcakes (something we had planned to do for awhile now).. I took the dogs to the park and they had a great time. Marley on our second trip around just decided to lay down randomly because she was tired (or hot, it was beautiful out though), but she kept truckin like a good girl! I managed to knock out 200 lunges.. randomly.. just lunging away while I walked my doggies haha.. Ohhhh a sight to see.

Here are some pictures from this weekend:

As you can see, its pretty much all the food I ate. LMAO. Ugh.. def feeling it now. Actually feeling it so much that it doesn’t even appeal to me anymore (I mean it would if the situation arise, but so far I NEED to stick with this). I know my boyfriend is 100% supportive, as my mother and what not but I still find excuses to sleep rather go to the gym first. I am though, finding different ways to boost my energy that I seem to be lacking each and every day, but I am working on it. For this week, I want to focus on my eating and getting a work out in each day. After this week, I will be doing 2 a days just to knock them out. I am hoping that waking up early and getting a kick start to my day will benefit me (okay i know it will benefit me, but really? How awesome is sleeping in a bed?.. okay not as awesome as looking in the mirror and cheesing but a close second).
So.. with all this being said, my excuses have taken a toll and I am ready to give it 100% again.

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Grocery shopping.. 101.

So as I was grocery shopping last night, I realized how many people stand there looking at the back of whatever they just picked up. Now.. there is NOTHING wrong with this, for I do it constantly (okay maybe not constantly because I buy the same things majority of the time), but when I find something new and interesting I instantly flip it over. But do these people have any idea what they are looking for? I HIGHLY doubt it.. but I’m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt.

Do you know what I go for?
No not the calories.
Not the carbs.. not even the fats..

The ingredients.

I don’t know if people just don’t care, or don’t know what they are looking for but it’s easy. This whole fitness “phase” (I swear I see a new diet everyday, a new “magic” pill etc), but eating clean isn’t a hard concept to grasp. Like I have said before, it’s the dedication and motivation that’s challenging.

It’s simple.

Eat WHOLE foods. Foods at their natural state.. this means the less processed they are.

Here is an example:

Now.. I don’t ever buy things in packages like this, or even pick them up for that matter (I stick to the outside of the grocery store where the food is perishable..hence why I go shopping probably 3x a week lol)… but this is why. It’s a bag of “sweet potato” chips. Now.. ignore the nutrition facts and look above to the ingredients. Sweet potatoes are the FOURTH ingredient!!!!! Granted there isn’t a lot of ingredients (a long list of ingredients is a sign to put that shit back), but this defeats the purpose of calling them sweet potato chips don’t you think? This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this.. but the first time I stopped and actually was in disbelief.

What I left with that day..

See how all my food would go bad if left out for a few days? This is what you want, and what your body needs. (please excuse the russell stover smores.. they are amazing and for my mother. However I advise everyone to try one before they die. It’s like that).

My tips while grocery shopping:

  • The less ingredients the better (and make sure you can actually pronounce that shit).
  • Sugar should be the furthest on the list, or 86’d completely.
  • When buying items, like whole wheat pastas or breads, the first ingredients NEEDS TO BE WHOLE WHEAT!!!!!!! I cannot stress this enough.
  • Stick to the outside of the store. This is where you will find your fruits veggies, and meats. Pretty much the staples of my “diet”.

We need to stop counting calories and start paying attention to the things that actually matter.

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I needed this..

“Sometimes the best thing that you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess, just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.”

This is how today went (9/10)..

Mom had surgery on her foot not too long ago.. friday I believe. So she is a little crippled at the moment. No big deal.. except my mom gets flustered and cranky at the drop of a dime.. which I do too so I know how it feels/goes… So she must have been in one of her little moods and started talking about getting rid of my dog Marley.. for the second fucking time might I add. I had to get rid of her once because we moved.. took her back because she wasnt getting along with the other dog. A few weeks went by and my mom told me I really had to get rid of her, so I had an ex bf help me out and we found a home for her. I wasnt happy and it hurt every day I didn’t have her but I needed to do what I needed to do. I was put in a position that I really didn’t have a choice in so, so be it.  I think maybe a month went by and she came into my room crying, telling me I need to get Marley back. So I did. Now fast forward a few more months and were back to today.. Now Marley is a lot to handle. She gets overly excited and wants to be up in everyone’s grill. I personally love it, but not everyone loves the smell of dog breath. Well with that being said, my mom told me that she thinks I need to get rid of her.. so while I am trying to get ready in the morning she’s pretty much picking a fight with me. I stopped talking, made my protein shake and left.

On my way to work, radio turned off like I have been doing for some weird ass reason, I sit and think. I have about 45 min dedicated to me over analyzing every possible situation in my life. 45 minutes to dwell on everything that’s going wrong.. 45 minutes to sit on the pity pot..but this time.. I had 45 minutes of prayer. I literally grab the steering wheel and just talked to God. I pray for mom a lot, but lately I’ve been so selfish it’s about me and what I need.. like faith. I need to put more faith in the unknown. I need to realize that worrying really has no purpose in life and the only thing that holds me together is that everything will be okay. I literally remind myself of this constantly.. repeating it over and over…. so meanwhile I am doing my thing, talking to God, and a tear managed to escape from my eye no matter how hard I tried to stop it. I quickly wiped it from my face and kept driving like nothing ever happened..
..Work was a little different today. One of the dudes that has been there for quite some time, put his two weeks in. Via email. Like a bitch. Sorry.. but if you met this dude, you would wish you didn’t. I’m sorry Eric.. if you ever read this for some bizarre fucked up reason, know that you need to learn how to become a better person. Youre vindictive and manipulative and you hurt so many people along the way. I honestly never understand why people do the things they do.. no conscience? no soul? to each their fucking own, but leave me the fuck out of it. So yeah, that’s been kind of the big talk around the shop lately.. Everyone is pretty stoked. Him leaving is best for everyone.
Amen.
Ate pretty good today. Had my morning protein shake, brought Greek yogurt, a banana, whole wheat pasta, and my leftovers from last nights dinner with the boy.

My Meals for the Day:

Lunch 🙂

At around 530 or so (I get off at 5, boy gets off at 6), I hung around for a bit. The boy and I started talking, and like it always does with my big ass mouth, gets kind of escalated to where I just walk away. The emotions that over come me.. would drop jaws. So I turned and walked away and he called for me back, telling me how unfair it was that I got to speak but how I am just bailing on him, giving him no opportunity to explain himself. So I walked back, he was right, so I took a couple of breaths and just stood there. We talked a little more and then got interrupted (we usually always do.. they like to tease us now that they know were together lol).. And so a few of us stood around and talked (mostly with Eric about him leaving and how much of a “piece of shit” Ron is), and I happened to open my mouth one too many times. It was awkward..luckily I saved my self those couple of times and no one caught on..after the 4th fucked up thing I said I had to excuse myself. I got into my car and dipped. About 500ft later, I see a text from the boy asking me to say for a second. I reversed all the way back into the parking lot and waited for him. He talked some more.. he explained himself and we continued to talk. It’s exactly what I needed. I have been so fucking consumed by our relationship that its been eating me alive. All I think about is one day waking up and him telling me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, or he’s found someone else, or cheated on me, or even WORSE getting back with his bitch of an ex (sorry lisa if YOU ever read this for some bizarre fucked up reason, you’re a straight mean fucking person).. phew.. anywho.. it’s been all i’ve been thinking about lately.. but I have been trying to tell myself that I don’t need this. I’ve been trying to coach myself into telling him that were better off as friends, but realized I might as well wait it out.

So after a shit load of tears literally escaped.. I’m not kidding.. we were laughing at me crying because it just wouldn’t stop. I kept choking up. This man is like no one I have ever had in my life before. He is truly amazing in every way and I get giddy inside when I look at him knowing he’s all mine. Knowing I have his heart.. knowing were in love with each other. I’m not going to say love is hard (because when its true love, it’s not something you have to try at.. hold me to this.. you work together but there’s no “hey im trying to love you” bullshit).. but staying on the same page has been for us, and that’s all I ever wanted.. was to be on the same page. I don’t want to be in a relationship that someones in just because.. I don’t want to go thru another heartbreak any time soon. I know I’ll be okay, and “it” will be okay, but heartbreak really is like losing a loved one (like my last post).. it hurts the soul, it hurts to breath…
..but it happens.. and most of the time you get over it.
Regardless.. I still want to give us my all. All I needed was this talk. I needed to hear you say that you want to be with me. I needed to hear you say that it’s all okay and will be okay. I needed the reassurance.. I needed the kiss at the end that made me feel loved.. I even needed the tears that fell down my face..
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50/50

Oh, the feeling of feeling sore..

..haven’t felt this in awhile because like I always write about, I am still on my way to finding a balance between my “normal” life and my obsessive relationship with body image. Where instead of worrying about not getting a work out in and enjoying the time in which that time was spent.  It’s hard, and being in a new relationship is even harder. I have been splitting what free time I do have with him and the gym (.. I did take a few weeks off prior to this post but that’s besides the point). The only thing that is hard about this is that I am giving up being happy with myself, for being happy with him. He makes me feel comfortable. He makes me feel okay about the fact that I don’t have my bikini body 24/7. On the flip side, it doesn’t take away how I truly feel inside..  but this give and take thing is sort of wonderful… now if I can only get to love myself a few pounds heavier.

It’s a far fetched “dream” coming from a 23 yr old whose suffered from eating disorders ever since she could remember. However, there is nothing wrong with being in shape. Absolutely nothing. The only problem I see is with how obsessive I get and how I beat myself up if I’m not “up to par” with how I should.. or feel like I should look like. Now.. with that being said, whose fault is it that I am not in as great of shape as I’d like?

This girls.

Fuck. Seriously just fuck. I have no explanation. I have excuses.. that’s for damn sure, but no REASONABLE explanation as to how this makes any sense. I choose what I put into my body. I choose whether or not I am going to the gym, going to finish cardio…

I am my own worse enemy.

..even as I write this, I feel ashamed. Now I have clearly pinpointed the problem, understand the consequences, yet continue to do nothing about it.

Not this time.

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Fishing is an off season bikini competitor’s hobby..

.. and why it’ll make me fat.

1. Only way I have patience is when drunk.

  • Alcohol makes you fat.

2. When you go cat fishing you’re drunk late at night. Late night munchies in Wisconsin = bar food.

  • Bar food tastes great when drunk.

3. I’m one lazy mother ——.

  • Perfect.

 

Yep. I caught this.

but to hell if I’d touch it.

 

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Some sort of growth, right?

“When I see these pictures I often find myself thinking, what else have they had to give up in order to attain that physique? What relationships have suffered? What other areas of their life have they not had the opportunity to cultivate? What would that person ever do if circumstances (such as age, illness, some personal tragedy) turned the tide and they couldn’t maintain that image anymore? Would their identity be lost? Would others no longer be impressed by them?”

I recently saw this on someones blog, and holy cow.
I haven’t thought about my life without fitness or a healthy lifestyle till I came across that paragraph and wow was I lost for words.
My life has consisted of years of self abuse. Eating disorder after eating disorder. Diet pill after diet pill. Work out after work out.
This is all I know. I know weight loss. I know self hate. I know unhealthy. I know healthy.
Now.. I don’t know a life without constantly thinking about working out, hating myself, and food as much as I’ve lived this one. lol. Whatever I am doing.. surfing the net, posting fitness tips, pinching extra fat on my things, looking in the mirror, smelling a bomb ass slice of pizza, salivating over pinterest.. literally.. not a day.. not an hour.. not even a min goes by without me thinking about “fitness”.. So what would happen? What would change if I no longer could do the things I do on a day-to-day basis? What if I couldn’t work out?
The only thing I can pinpoint that I know 100% to be true.. is as long as I didn’t put on weight (or get what I feel s my uncomfortable zone) then I would try to make the best out of the situation.. but if the weight starting creeping and I wasn’t able to be active I think would ruin me. The idea of me being fat… FEELING fat hurts my heart. No joke.
Actually writing this out makes me sound selfish. Fuck. Seriously.. lets move on..
SO reading this on Friday guess what I did?
I had one of the best weekends of my life.
It didn’t start off so well but it definitely made me realize that I wouldn’t be lost without my fitness lifestyle.. that’s not something I focus on. It is literally my outward appearance. I NEED to look good (or at least THINK I look good lol). I like seeing collar bones and broad shoulders. I love having an ass but a flat stomach. I want my legs more defined… bigger even. Before I wouldn’t IMAGINE being “thicker” (I fucking hate that word). But in reality this is comfort. Healthy IS happy.
So, since I really don’t want to make this super long I won’t go much into detail (I ramble anyways so feel free to speed read).. I got home friday night knowing I wasn’t going to work out. I wanted to rest so that’s exactly what I planned on doing. I had saved these pre made smores the entire week and really wanted it right then and there. So what did I do? I had it.. Do you see a pattern in my decision-making? lol. So I was talking to my mom and she interrupted and said, should you be eating that? 
Fuck. I literally snapped. This is probably the 3rd or 4th time she’s made a comment like this, however it’s usually when I really shouldn’t be eating it (during contest prep). So I suppose I could understand.. but what the f u c k ? It kind of hurt. I ended up trying to explain how I felt and she got weird and didn’t understand so I walked out and called her a fucking asshole. 
 
1. Yes I was wrong for calling my mother an asshole.
2. This exact question, from her and an ex boyfriend, has started binges. Consider it a “trigger”.
 
We pretty much didn’t talk all night. I think she texted me something but my phone ended up dying. I passed out trying to charge my computer so it could charge my phone.

Saturday Morning..

.. I woke up feeling pretty good. I made breakfast, and cleaned up a bit. I had plans to go to Ribfest with a few friends but it was still pretty early (damn you internal clock). So I ended up putting a blanket outside and trying to tan. About 15 minutes in he calls me and I plan to leave within the hour. Everything pretty much goes as planned. I get to his house and we take the convertible down towards the city. tragic wasn’t that bad but I was stoked to be in the sun tanning with the top down lol, so I could care less. We see a carnival on the side of the highway and I made a comment about exes saying they’d win me a bear but I end up winning it myself. So what did he do? Took a detour parked the car and we didn’t leave the carnival till he won me a bear. Oh and eat a funnel cake too. So we hoped back in the car, got to the fest and pretty much gained weight. We ate fried oreos, ribs, more ribs and more bbq lol. After we walked around a bit, he got a few calls to go to the race track in Joliet. We dipped and ended up staying at the track for at least 5 hours. We drank margaritas and I ate someones french fries.. and popcorn. lol. Blahblahblah we end up driving home but ended up stopping at a friend’s house to drink. And drink I did. 
 
Woke up in a bed on..

Sunday AM..

.. Up early as hell no hangover. Success. 11am his friend calls him to go with him and his gf to breakfast. We drive about 20 minutes to a breakfast place named Ellies (no pictures because phone was dead). I think it would have been a lot better had I known what the ingredients were like. They were fresh but wasn’t expecting it. Like for example I ordered a skillet with green pepper… however they were the huge peppers and not cut down (they were literally the size of a mini twix lol)… but then I took no joke less than 10 bites and I was full. I was just dehydrated like a mother fucker. So I just chugged diet coke and water (bad idea btw). We leave and get dropped off not knowing what are plans were next. I sit in the backyard and put suntan lotion on. He gets a call and we roll over to his friend’s house. Sun tanning and drinking for hours. It was so chill. Literally stopped everything to go to Trader Joes for Mochi balls.. lol…. I think in total we had like 8 boxes.. They were defiantly weird lol. After we bail we go back to his house and sit and chill till I realize that I wanted Cold Stone. So what did we do? We got Cold stone lol. Fuck yeah.
So. that was pretty much straight my weekend. Now.. this wasn’t anything special.. No, I didn’t win the lottery or get a new car. I didn’t work out once and I ate like shit the entire weekend (no I do not recommend this. One or two cheat meals a week. NOT cheat DAYS!) Yes, I wasn’t AS comfortable and no I didn’t really want to walk around in a bikini, but for once I wasn’t constantly thinking about fitness, the gym, working out or fucking protein powder. I was LIVING. As simple as my weekend was, it was unbelievably relaxing. I felt like I took a mini vacation from myself.

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First Shit Show of the Summer.

Where do I even begin?
What was suppose to be a mini 3 day vaca, couldn’t even start off on the right foot.
 
For the most part I will just post pictures (even though I don’t have many because my phone was always dead).. just because I don’t even know if words will or can describe this fucking shit show. 
 
So let’s start off with waiting for the boys to come scoop Marley and I up. Mom thinks it’s a good idea to start on about my relationship with one of the boys I have been “seeing”. I know I haven’t been open about my personal life but when its necessary I will. With that being said and without saying much, she kind of started bashing him. Ok, so I wouldn’t say “bashing” but not talking positively about our little so called “relationship”… okay fuck it, she thinks that since we are having sex that hes using me. Ok granted in most of my past relationships I have been used (and have been the user so I am no pocket of sunshine) but what she doesn’t know that if I didn’t want the sex I wouldn’t have it. Is it that hard to comprehend? The sex is great and until further notice I will continue to have it. In NO way shape or form do I feel used. This guy (again, without even saying much) is just short of amazing. And since I now know that you read my blogs, I hope you’re blushing 😉 lol kidding but honestly I hope you know that I pray to God everyday, thanking him for putting you in my life. 
 
Okay okay okay.. exactly why I don’t get all emotional and shit lol because it sounds like that ^ ^ 🙂
 
So after our argument, blood was starting to boil…. walked upstairs to get the cage out of my room (for Marley) and I literally could not figure out  how the FUCK to tear it down.. I wanted to throw it out the fucking window. My mom started getting pissed because she said it sounded like I was going to come thru the ceiling so I said fuck it and left it. Now.. maybe I should let it be known that I have always have problems managing my anger and just scream and swear and act immature as a way to cope. I have learned that this is not a healthy way of living. Trust me. 
 
So as hot tempered Marissa bitch fitted her way out the door, the boys roll up. Now.. we rented a car for the weekend because we were bringing up two dogs and a shit ton of….shit I guess (fishing poles food coolers ext) and again… 2 fucking pit bulls lol. Okay.. so they roll up.. I start putting my shit in the car and we try to get the dogs in there as well.. Well….. that didn’t work out as well as I had planned. At this point.. with the littlest shit pissing me off, I didn’t even want to go. Not to mention guess who was sitting in the SMALL ASS backseat with 1 huge pit trying to bang my baby girl THE WHOLE FUCKING TIMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
 
Fuck it.. not even that important.. I sat there quietly. Awkward. as. fuck. Until I realized that I wanted to drink. So I did just that. 3 hours later we pulled up to his house. At this point I realized that I needed to suck it all up for once and stop being such a gosh darn princess. We all unpacked and I made the boys peanut butter and jelly on my little bad ass sandwich grill lol.. So as we ate and drank we just chilled for a bit.
 

Fast forwarding to Saturday Morning..

 
..I impatiently wait around and before noon even hit we were in the car heading down to the water. We get into the water and we all start drinking (more so because I was freezing and the sun wasn’t out.. just like earlier where life sucked in the back of the car, apparently drinking solves problems)… a couple of bites later, the weather turned. Rain start pouring down and we headed back to shore. I was still sitting on the edge with my rod in the water… I swear rain helps fishers lol.. but it didn’t. No big deal. We head home, change and probably start drinking again. Later that night we headed to the casino and I pissed away a little bit of money.. nothing too drastic (but I can SURE as fuck see how people lose mortgages.. holy fuck).. So we all decided to sit down at the roulette table which had turned all digital, it was all touch screen. It was awesome. I sat by my dude for a bit and picked some numbers for him.. probably 20 minutes later Kornel put $20 on my screen and I started playing. I swear, INSTANTLY I was up at least double my money. I ended up walking about with $60 lol… not bad for nothing right? On our way back from the casino we stopped at this strip club that I had been to once before. Now granted I haven’t been to many strip clubs but this was like nothing short of a hole in the wall (speaking of random holes.. omg jk lol)… but just remember, I am in Wisconsin. LOL.
Here.. you weren’t suppose to take pictures but I clearly can’t follow rules…So that’s Teddy pretty much getting molested and loving it. I got groped by a stripper and my boobs were taken out and fondled. lmfao. so dirty idk wtf was going on. We leave the strip club, and we run into a younger guy (early 20’s ??) walking with a cane. I don’t know how this all started but we all got to talking. Long story short he pretty much got jumped (a pussy way of beating the crap out of someone), and it left him paralyzed. Holy fuck I know I am a bitch, but I cry like one too. I swear I could cry at the drop of a dime. sometimes, it sucks lol. But my heart dropped.. I felt so fucking bad. After we all keep drinking till the bar closed, we headed back home. The car ride back got pretty heated though. I swore at his friend (teddy) and pretty much didn’t hold back when he started saying shit I didn’t like. Clearly I was drunk so I don’t remember what was said I just know that when I get passionate about something (or feel that someone is being disrespected) I have NO problem letting people know whats up. I just don’t think being ignorant/disrespectful/hurtful is anyway shape or form is something to be proud about. I have hurt so many people in the past, that I am ashamed of it and hope that I am doing a better job not even for myself, but because of the pain I have brought on to so many people. It’s disgusting to even think about.Anyways lmfao.
blahblahblah I don’t remember anything after the car ride… soooo moving on lol..
 

Sunday Morning..

..and I am up before anyone else..aaaaaaaaaaagain (745am exactly lol). wait and wait and wait….teddy wakes up…waiiiitingggggggggggggggggg. I get annoying and wake Mike up. I keep lying to everyone and telling em its later then it really is and that we are pissing away our vaca hours! lol. I honestly dont care what people think of me anymore (I think I pissed both his friends off at some point, AND him now that I think about it lol)… so we pack up the booze and the rods and errrrybody and head out (not even 11am lol), we stop at the gas station and pick up some chasers and the boys all got cigarettes (btw 5 months CLEAN BITCHES!!) lol.. so we all start to head out and we hear something drop off the boat when Mike veered off the road a bit. Later we find out its my bowl that I have had for years.. literally years. lol. Super pissed (well kinda..shit happens).Sun is shining, boats in the water, drinks in one hand, fishing poles in the other.
We all have a good time, drinking and fishing.. Jumping into the water, falling into the water all for a few hours (besides waking up in the morning, this entire weekend I never actually knew what time it was lol).. So the sun was shining, temperature rising to the high 90’s.. Apparently I got drunk and passed out and now I have incredible sun burns.. oh.. and bruises. Words cant describe them and actually neither can these pictures because my bruises are BAD (falling into the water and boosting myself back up are the only things I can think of as to why I look like I got my ass beat). lol. So Sunday night was nice, we all chilled a bit, drinking more lol.. (don’t remember anything late night though)..

Monday Morning..

..I wait and wait and wait for people to get up. Teddy and I say fuck it and go and try to find my bowl on the side of the street. We pull up and park and as soon as we get out of the car I have 7 mosquitoes on me. 7. Fucking so fucking stupid. What the fuck. I was so annoyed all weekend because of these damn mosquitoes lol.
 
So as you probably could of guessed, we didn’t fucking find it. whatever. Just add it to the reasons this was a stupid shit show.. I don’t know a lot of these details lol so I went and asked this boy (enter smile here), and as what I waited to say happened Monday actually happened Sunday…. so lets back track.. blahblah were back to Sunday..
 
I happen to like this boy. We are nothing official unless Facebook adds a Friends with Benefits or Best Friends who are having sex button or “title”. I am okay with this. I actually PREFER this. YES ladies and gentlemen, I prefer this over being in a relationship. I am not going to get sappy or tell you how I don’t guys (Lol.. its true, but I also just don’t like people in general) <– true as shit and maybe I will post a separate blog as to why I wish I could keep the things I want and get dropped off on an island by myself (and the things I choose ect)..
 
..anyways another disclaimer/reminder? I AM AN EMOTIONAL ASS FUCK!
 
okay well.. that and I am very intuitive.. it’s almost scary sometimes. That being said I went thru his phone. I have never wanted to do it.. EVER. I can’t even explain why I did it. Well I happened to see texts from him and another girl (same girl we bumped into when I was out with him for his friends birthday), going back and forth about how he still loves her and how I am just a friend. Now.. I had NO right to do what I did (let this be known). I KNOWINGLY thru away trust and respect when I did that, but no joke.. Something inside me,  felt like I had to. Seek and you shall find.
 
My heart hit the floor. After all the conversations we had had, HE (out of all people) does this to me..? It was a slap in the face.. more like a spit in the face rather. I left the messages up of where it said he still loved her and set it on the table, plain sight, out in the open, the first thing he will see when he opens up the door and follows me inside. I meet him outside on the verge of a panic attack.. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I was 3 and 1/2 hours away with no reception. I wanted to throw up. I looked at him and calmly (legit calm) told him that I was going into our room and how I didn’t want to be bothered for the entire time. He looked at me, back down (probably because I wasn’t hyperventilating  like I wanted to, or screaming and slapping him in the face).. I swear sometimes I think I am psychotic. He was confused until after I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him, then I think the confusing got worse. I walked away and shut the door to our bathroom and sat on the toilet. I had NO idea what the fuck I was going to do. Had this been done in Illinois I would have NEVER spoken to him again. This is no way short of the truth, I am THAT stubborn. So I sat there, he came in, phone in hand. I don’t remember much of the details but I have never called someone a scumbag as much as I did that day. FUCKKKKKK was I hurt. He tried explaining, and I’ll cut this shit short, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. His logic only made sense to him, and as I tried explaining it I think he understands where I’m coming from. You don’t tell an exes best friend that you’re still in love with her and either a. think that wont be repeated or b.make her stop texting you? I don’t know and I don’t care, (To him: you’re only hurting yourself in the end babe..if you love her fight for her. No joke loves hard to find)..
 
 Okay so..that was like the cherry on top.
 
..Now you may be confused on why I was even pissed in the first place because I did this to myself and he really didn’t do anything. I mean I AM just his friend.. but the whole love thing…. again that’s not something you throw around. If it didn’t hurt me it should hurt the other ears listening. I would NEVER tell someone I was still in love with them if I didn’t mean it. THAT shit breaks hearts.. so do you get where I am coming from now? I mean 5 years he spent with this girl.. 2 months later we started “talking”.. shit has been great no bullshit no drama then this shit? And after my mom mentioned something to this extent MINUTES before he came and picked me up? Fucking weirrrrrddddd. Lol. But everything happens for a reason. Not even those weird signs but just the fact that this happened in Wisconsin. Like I wish all of you readers knew me on a personal level just so you know how I view life because I really am trying to be passionate about LIVING that I don’t DEAL with “drama”. That shit doesn’t phase me. You know why? I don’t allow it too. Yes shit pisses me off but nothing I can’t handle. So after that, probably countless apologies later, shit was like that never even happened..back to MONDAY.. shit was fine. I bitched some more about being hungry that they eventually got up and headed out to breakfast. Since we were already in bumble fuck we had to drive probably 15-30min away just to find some food (lol), not to mention it was memorial day… lol.. in Wisconsin wheres there like 2 McDonald’s in the entire state, we pull up to some breakfast place (kinda super excited only because small hole in the walls, unlike strip clubs, are fucking awesome) “rumored to be the best breakfast in town” (uh well no shit Sherlock you’re the ONLY breakfast place in town)… whatever. LOL. Teddy and I walk in while the other boys smoked a cig. Lady took awhile to even notice me, so teddy went and smoked a cig too.. She acknowledged me and then sat me. They all sat down and we looked over the menu which was awesome. lol I wanted EVERYTHING. I ended up like wanted a “Denver Scrambler” (actually spelled scramblee and realized how close the r is to the e and decided to correct it because y’all would just think I misspelled it and now know they did not name a scrambler a scramblee lol). It was Ham Onions Red Peppers and Cheddar Cheese. So when it was my time to order, I wanted that scrambler with Sausage instead of ham. She told me that I cant substitute the scramblers. I don’t know why but I said okay and someone else ordered. As I was scrambling around I wanted a different “scrambler” (wasn’t technically a scrambler but I forgot the name) and figured that I just couldn’t substitute but I could take out. So it had mushrooms and beans, but everything I wanted, I didn’t even want to add anything and she told me I couldn’t even do that…. blood fucking boiling. I had been hungry for the past 3 hours and now this waitress is making me look like a retard. So pretty much if his friends weren’t there I would of walked out. Again, no joke. She pissed me off that much. At first ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS CHANGE HAM TO SAUSAGE. Are you shitting me? Then ALL I WANTED WAS TO TAKE 2 INGREDIENTS OUT!!! Lmfao. God forbid. At that point I didn’t even want to eat I was just so fucking annoyed. Lol. Holy shit balls get me home.We stayed around for a little bit (sleeping, drinking ect), then started playing Frisbee. Time started to pass and it was already 6:30pm.. Teddy was going to stay (so he was getting tipsy) and we decided that we needed to leave soon. We packed up and cleaned the place up a bit, while Kornel was telling Teddy he’ll drive his car (FUCK YEA! Meaning I didn’t have to sit in the back with 2 dogs, sober and sun burnt as hell. NO FUCKING THANK YOU ). We got our shit in the car and headed out. About an hour and 1/2 later we stopped for food and I swear it was the best part of the trip. I need to go to AW again. Hamburger and chili cheese fries (and CHEESE CURDS HOLY FUCK) needs to be in my belly again. After that, another 2 hours later and I was passed out in my bed. Sun burnt but alive.
 

 

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Positivity

So the whole not blogging every day has actually made me miss posting *smh..

..sometimes less IS more.

😉

So what’s clouding Marissa’s brain lately?

I am starting to appreciate things more.

Understanding that tomorrow is NOT promised.

So why do we do the things we do? Don’t people get it? Let’s just take money for example.. it can buy anything your little heart desires except one thing…time. You’re gone when its your time.

Plain and simple.

Don’t take advantage of today. We all have the ability to be completely happy.and I truly feel we have no one to blame but ourselves.

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.”- Robert Anthony.

Start rethinking what you may think are “priorities”, stop fearing the inevitable and live.

Other then my lovely rants.. I am feeling pretty good. Eating has been so easy ever since I put my carbs and fruits back in the mix. I can feel myself growing already and I am s t o k e d.

The Food Log

830am Brownie Quest Bar
11am 1/2 P28 Bagel and Almond Butter
2pm Leftovers of WW pasta and Ground Turkey
5pm 3 small chicken breasts (almonds if still hungry)
830pm (don’t know if I am working out today).. so this would change but protein and fat
Last meal– Casein protein shake (slower digesting protein)

The Work Out

Probably not working out today (but you never know).. But I will list my workout from yesterday.

I trained glutes 😉

Sumo Squats
3x15x35
2x12x45

Back Ext
4x10x45 w/ calf raises

Abs (I have to discuss this at a later date lol)..

Hamstring Curl

Only 3 sets- forget the weight.. but it didn’t feel good lol.

I have been killing it in the gym.. literally walked out earlier this week not being able to walk (I split legs into 2 sessions so I train them twice a week).. I have just been focusing on form and contractions rather then reps (even though I still count most of them).. but I have been feeling really good. Have laid off cardio a bit (wont hold my breathe) so that makes it easier to kill it even more 😉

Will be in Wisconsin tomorrow night till Monday afternoon.. so that means so time in an actual gym..  Meaning hopefully we go for a lot of walks and canoeing and just stay active. I know my diet will be on point ( I actually get excited about traveling and eating healthy).. but I know one day I WILL drink lol and maybe enjoy some extra carbs here and there :):):)

Heading over to a small shop to pick up a few tank tops and a pair of shorts to wear on the boat, then stopping at sunset to pick up meat (and my healthy food to bring on the way up there).. Def hope I score some of those Sugar Free Chocolate Chip Cookies again.. Those were solid and I wouldn’t even need to “cheat” haha if I had those.. We’ll see. I am so E X C I T E D! It’ll be like a mini vaca! I’ll still be emailing and responding though (as much as I can.. up there doesn’t have much service).. but I will do my best.

Until then, practicing patience and positivity. ❤

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